Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE 
NO MERCY 
2008
(10/05/08)
By Anthony Dean
 
Welcome everyone to No Mercy! It has no mercy on your eyes, wallet, the part of your brain that understands continuity and good booking, and a ton of other hilarious stuff! Ha! Allright! Jokes! There will be several more of those in this recap, so stay tuned! By the way, all of tonight's matches will be rated with images of turtles on a scale of cuteness. Because fuck you, that's why. Get your own column if you want it to be something different. Now are you done? Good. ON WITH THE SHOW!

We open with a black and white Leave It To Beaver-like scene of an old-fashioned family watching tv. Luckily Chaz is nowhere to be seen. The voiceover guy then says this family has no cares or worries, while we have...NO MERCY! This segues into a hype video for No Mercy that plays on the family's tv, with clips of the family looking horrified interspersed between all the flashing wrestlers and random suplexes. This is off to a fantastic start. Mark Henry is out first. IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER! ECW Title match time. Because ECW's Main Event scene equals curtainjerker next to the other brands. Matt Hardy is out next to a huge fucking pop, no joke. Jesus Christ. Introductions are done in the ring to keep up the facade that the ECW Championship is a legitimate title. They're just going through the motions at this point. It's made out of fucking steel.

Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas vs ECW Champion Matt Hardy

Huge Hardy chant. Where the hell is this show at, Cameron? I should probably know that, actually. Damn. Let's say Cameron. Although by that logic, the crowd should be solidly behind Henry here, cause the Carolinas are supposedly haunted and insane or something, right? Isn't that the joke? I don't know, I'm half here. Henry starts off by putting Hardy down with his superior size and, thus, wrestling ability. Knee strikes in the corner from Mizark of the Ozarks. Shove, shove, punch, slam, fuck up, clothesline. Usual Henry offense. Hardy continuously attacks Henry's knees and finally gets him down before fucking his right knee up with aid of the bottom rope. What is typically a heel move gets cheered cause the Carolinas are craaaazy! Hardy continues working on the knee and Henry is wobbling around. He then lands a big boot with his injured knee. PSYCHOLOGY! No sarcasm, that really is good psychology. Make the other guy think a body part of yours is in pain, and then do something that will purposefully hurt it even more. It'll totally fuck him up. Pin attempt gets two. A sort of banzai drop from the second rope hits and Atlas calls for another one but Henry instead goes for the cover. Damn it, Henry! How do you expect to reach great heights like TONY ATLAS if you don't listen to his wealth of wisdom? Don't you WANT to carry a spear that you'll never use to all your matches that you'll always lose? If you're worried about that interfering with your current gimmick, don't, gorillas totally know how to make and use weapons and tools, I saw this whole thing about it, you're good. NatGeo, check it out.

So while I've been rambling about gorillas, Henry has had Hardy in a rest hold. Hooray for halliteration. I cheated. Hardy escapes, but ends up right back in Henry's clutches, this time in a self-proclaimed bearhug. He escapes again and looks for a sunset flip which Henry looks to reverse with an ass drop but Hardy dodges. Top rope elbow to Henry's head followed by a Side Effect which gets two because those refs are careful about that shit now. Twist of Fate is countered and Henry follows up by hitting a splash which fucks up his knee. Utilizing that self-inflicting pain strategy from earlier, nice. You'll be carrying a spear and wearing colorful feathers in no time. Hardy lunges at Henry but gets caught. Henry looks for One Of The World's Strongest Slams but Hardy reverses with a Twist of Fate for the win.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Matt Hardy

They say this is perhaps the biggest win of Matt Hardy's life. No. Just absolutely not.

Match Rating :

Kinda cool, but nothing special, and it's destined to immediately be forgotten in, oh, I'd say about eight more seconds. Tonight's WWE Text Poll Question And Not At All A Way To Shamelessly Scam Preteen Middle-Class Wrestling Fans With Cell Phones And No Friends To Text is who will win between Jeff Hardy and Triple H. What a weird way to start off a Pay Per View, you'd think they'd put on a match first, not some ad. I mean, I thought there an ECW title match tonight. Right. Anyway. Some ugly bitch (ugly by my desesitized WWE standards, for all other purposes she is otherwise very hot. In other words, expect her to be fired in the upcoming months like that fat ugly bitch Cherry) introduces Triple H and Jeff Hardy backstage for an interview. Triple H says the only thing Hardy might win tonight is the poll, and Hunter even voted for him. What a guy. Hardy then says "I wouldn't worry about texting, I'd worry about the challenge standing right in front of your FAISTH!" That bathturd Hunter says he's actually a real big fan of Hardy and wants to see him bring all his talent together for one night, TONIGHT, so when Hunter beats him he doesn't just beat Jeff Hardy, he beats the BEST Jeff Hardy. Personally I'd rather beat somebody at their worst, that seems like it'd be way more satisfying. You could wear their ass out way more. I'd leave a can of paint thinner next to Hardy's easel if I was Trips. No matches, though. Oh, and Hardy says he'll win. Closeup of the title and staredown. Allright.

GLAMAZON! Accompanied by Santino. I think this may be the first time a diva benefits more from being associated with a male wrestler and not vice versa. And don't say Lita to me. Essa Rios was shit. Her opponent tonight is Candice Michelle, who is out to quickly kill her pop with shitty house music. Cole feigns heterosexuality by awkwardly "wooing" and calling Candice hot. Who's he trying to fool at this point, his wife? Like she's not fucking some other guy with a penis and everything. I don't care. Fuck Cole.

WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix w/ Santino Marella vs Candice Michelle

Candice right away dropkicks Beth's knee and hits an enziguri. Drop toehold and an unnecessarily complex rollup for two. Another enziguri and Candice is looking good. Physically, of course, she's still clumsy as shit. Phoenix grabs her and slams her into the corner, but Candice comes back with a fierce series of kicks to Beth's shins. Beth gets back in control by sending her into the corner. Shoulder meets steel AND GUESS WHICH ONE WINS. Beth continues to work the shoulder with a submission. Candice manages to get to her feet and tries to kick Beth off but she keeps the hold locked in the entire time and Candice gets pulled back to the ground. Candice eventually rolls Beth up for two to escape. Jawbreaker and clotheslines followed by a spinning wheel kick for another two but Beth puts her down and goes up top. Candice crotches (vaginas?) her by shaking the ropes and covers but Santino pulls Beth out for the save. Candice dropkicks Phoenix through the ropes and follows her out just to get clotheslined down by Beth. Back in the ring Beth stops to bitch at Santino so Candice goes for an Implanter but Beth reverses with some pancake slam for the win. I really need to start creating wrestlers again, I'm falling behind on my move names.

Winner and STILL Women's Champion : Beth Phoenix

Match Rating :

Okay. Short, but that's how I like them. Beth looked allright out there and Candice was hot. What? What criteria do you use to rate Diva matches? Santino gives Beth's arm the old Gomez Addams tongue treatment as they pose on the ramp. Ric Flair DVD ad follows. Personally, I'd wait until Flair joins TNA and about three months into his tenure there they release a Ric Flair Career Retrospective DVD. Those are always way cheaper.

In a dark red room somewhere in the back lurks Kane who says tonight Rey learns the truth about himself and everyone else. Kane says Rey's mask symbolizes the false mask we all use to hide behind every day, but tonight he will destroy Rey's mask and, by proxy, all of ours. Rey and the rest of us will see ourselves as we really are - monsters. I'm a monster? Cool, I thought I was just some socially insecure guy who occasionally lied about shit. Like my cock. Man is it big. I'll stop including that boast in these rants someday. Not anytime soon, though.

Rey is out now in some blue and yellow getup with a skull mask. Dia De Los Muertos! Chupacabra! Pescado! And that's about all the Mexican I know. A sign in the crowd says "Real Men Wear Masks". I think that's ugly men, but okay. Rey rewards a kid in the crowd for buying one of his sixty dollar masks by giving them his skull mask, revealing he has on a regular one bemeath it. They air a hype video for the Rey-Kane feud, the highlight of which is a chokeslam Kane gave Rey during some tag match two weeks ago. THE MONSTER~! Kane out next to his piano music that is much better than his old Finger Eleven music because it was done by Finger Eleven. Cole says Rey chose to dress in hideous blue and yellow today because that's what Aztecs wore or something. No they didn't.

Rey Mysterio vs Kane

Rey initiates his revenge with some light kicks. And a springboard one too, though! Kane's big boot stops that shit and Rey seeks solace on the outside before doubling back in to jump Kane as he followed. This dirty move gets a pop because we're in the Carolinas, after all! I wonder where they actually are tonight. Early 619 setup fails because there's still two and a half hours left and nobody's ever buying a kick putting Kane out. Kane with some more kicks and he catches Rey off a hurricarana attempt but Rey sends him out of the ring anyway. Rey launches out but Kane catches him and slams him on the barrier. Kane remains in control back in the ring with scoop slams and the like. He hits some kicks to Rey's back and Rey emits bitchy little cries of suffering just as Cole reminds us Kane referred to Rey as a "sniveling little slime." Seeing a grown man responding to getting his ass kicked by laying down and making noises not unlike a rabbit being mauled by a dog while isn't really helping his case. Little boot to Rey's head as he was sitting on his ass in the ring gets two. Ref is cheering Rey on, "C'mon Rey! Get up! You can do it, Rey!" Motherfucker makes Earl Hebner look fair and blalanced. Backbreaker submission but Rey twists out. He hits some crazy motherfucking neckbreaker on a standing Kane which Cole refers to as "swashbuckling." Righto, chap! What a commendable showing you have put forth in whence you attempted to break that tar-faced scallywag's neck! Bravo.

Kane recovers and plants Rey on the top turnbuckle facing the crowd before trying to rip his mask off. Rey deters this and hits a moonsault on a standing Kane without even looking behind him. Jimmy Wang, eat your heart out. With squid eyes, and dog semen, and lima beans. Korean food is terrible. Double KO time but both are up at six. Rey attacks Kane's knee before he drops da dime for two. Charging attack gets Rey sideslammed for a nearfall. GOOZLE but Rey counters and hits a springboard elbow that Cole calls a DDT. Hmm. Springboard splash for two and Rey goes up top and comes off looking for a crossbody but Kane connects in midair with a casual uppercut. Two count and Rey sends Kane to the apron before hitting a 619 on Kane's hamstring. Kane drops to the outside and so Rey goes up top and leaps at Kane, but Kane turns around and nails Rey in the head with a chair he picked up, sending Rey flying like five feet. Bad fucking ass.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

Rey lays down, unconscious, with his mask half off. Kane stares and leaves without removing the mask. WITHOUT REMOVING THE MASK. WHAT THE FUCK. That's the one thing he set out to do and even tried to do it during the match. What the fuck.

Match Rating :

Allright at first, then confusing.

Poll hype. VOTE NOW SEND US YOUR MONEY AND YOU'LL BE PART OF A PERCENTAGE ON TV! A PERCENTAGE THAT'S FAKE ANYWAY! DO IT FAGGOT!

In the back, MVP is on the phone with his agent getting bitched at because he doesn't have a match tonight. He bangs on Vickie's door and Big Show answers. P asks to see her but Big Show stops that shit because Vickie got Tombstoned Friday and will probably be in a wheelchair until Eddie and Benoit face off once more, in a multi-man tag match along with Jesus, Satan, and the rest of the souls in the domains of both Heaven and Hell. Or whatever cooky shit the Bible says is gonna happen, I don't know. I use mine to keep dried mushrooms in. Cut out a 3x3 square in the middle, no one will ever find it. It beats the back of your fucking freezer, you obvious fool. Right. Stuff happening, plot developing, MVP says he can relate to Vickie since he's suffering too because his career's been suffering on Smackdown lately. Ever since a certain somebody showed up. Darn you, snitchy urine test man. All these current event jokes are killing the rereadability of this recap. But Vickie jokes will never go out of style. The MINF calls for Big Show like she needs something. Why does she always call her lovers by their ring names? Must be a roleplay thing. She pretends their gimmicks are real, they pretend she resembles an actual human female and not a big disgusting horsecow. It's really asking a lot on their part. Unless they're into that. I'll drop this aside soon. Like, now. Boom! MVP ends the segment by saying "okay" to himself over and over and wandering off. Okay.

Cyber Sunday later this month. King shows off his laptop. He's not old, see! He's a hip cool teenager just like you and me! He is totally allowed to have all those pictures of Dakota Fanning! And those others of her face sloppily photoshopped next to giant penises? Well who are you to judge? MVP comes out in his dress clothes. No matter how many matches he loses he still seems legit to me. I think I'm a mark for MVP. That, or I'm just generally scared of black people. HE NEEDS OUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION! P makes jokes and references to sports which I don't get, to WHAT? chants. The fat, dorky wrestling crowd's way of saying they don't get the sports references either. He basically says he's the coolest mofo on the 'Down and should have a match tonight. Terrible, terrible music interrupts. It's Randy Orton. Holy shit, his new music sucks even worse than his HEY! one, and that one was whining about being bullied. Orton has a shitload of new arm tats. It's like Undertaker sleeves. Now he can have dark magic powers like Taker, Mideon, and Papa Shango, too! Like the power to run around an arena full of people virtually naked and not get arrested. Not that he doesn't already do that anyway. Orton insinuates MVP's losing streak is his own fault, but P insists it's Vickie's fault. He says she won't give him the ball but Orton says he'd drop it if anyone ever did. Either Orton is really tall or MVP is really not. They're eye to neck here. P says he's about to knock Orton out when Priceless enters. They're priceless! Except for Manu. You can have him for free. Please.

The tag champs Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase Jr., accompanied by their hired dangerous minority, get in the ring to trashtalk Orton. BORING chant starts up. Shut the fuck up. Fuck this crowd. Fucking Carolinas. Cody says Orton is not boring. Well he is, but that's beside the point. Cody says Orton is like that guy who hung out at his old high school after he graduated, coasting on his reputation, because he doesn't know what else to do with himself. Orton holds his soccer kick on Punk up as evidence of still being tough. Manu gets all up in his face, saying something about Priceless being the ones who took out Punk. I think Manu looks like a monkey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Orton says he'll take them seriously when they accomplish half of what he has. He then leaves as P taunts Orton for running away. P then tries to give Priceless props but the third generation guys crowd around him and harass him because his dad wasn't a famous wrestler. Haha, your dad had more self respect than to don a grass skirt and communicate in grunts and oomphs! P brings up how big his paycheck is for some reason but Dibiase reminds him of his dad's moniker. Cody says they'll see P at the next PPV he gets shut out of. Good one, guys! Hey, who's your match with tonight, again? P says he'll remember this and goes up the ramp, but Punk and Kofi are out. So a black guy, a white guy, and a Jamaican walk onto a ramp...

The crowd is going batshit over something. It can't be these three teaming up, can it? Really? P takes off his shirt and they all charge the ring to loud cheers. How the fuck? Who would accept MVP as a face after two years of being a serious heel? Fucking Carolinas, man! Anyway they charge, but Punk and Kofi hold back, letting P run in first, who proceeds to get the shit stomped out of him by Priceless and their cheap attack monkey. After P gets his shit wrecked and thrown out of the ring, Punk and Kingston then attack Priceless while their backs were turned, to a pop, mind you. Soon Punk and Kofi stand above all the fallen men before exiting. What a heroic duo, only not at all. Why are these guys even friends, anyway? Don't tell me Punk's one of those people that's all "Marijuana's not a drug, maaan, it's a plant, allright? A plaaaant, maaan. Not like, I mean it's not a drug, it's a plant, see? It's a, okay, just, no, lemme...just lemme get some pot, man." And no, I will not accept the notion that Kofi is a regular wrestler who just happens to be Jamaican, and not an embodiment of every stereotype of his country. Vince would not disappoint me like that.

Filler match time! And by filler match I mean, Pretty Important Number One Contender Match. And by Pretty Important Number One Contender Match I mean, Batista Appeasement Squash Match. "Do you know why JBL's limo doesn't have turn signals on it? He's so rich he doesn't have to tell people where he's going." Jesus King, ease up on the jokes man. I'm supposed to be the one making this stuff funny. With gold shit like that, people are going to start wonder what the fuck I'm doing here. "JBL may need a government bailout before this match is over!" WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Batista is out after JBL, doing his usual calisthetics and fake turret gunning.

JBL vs Batista, Number One Contendership Match For WWE Championship

JBL, a rich stockbroker, is naturally pissed off at Washington DC's own Batista. "How dare you not regulate the rate at which high interest loans were issued to people who obviously would have a difficult time paying them back down the line as well as you could have! I lost fake money and investments because of you!" This shit writes itself. Batista starts off dominating with his generic Create A Wrestler "Powerhouse" moveset. JBL doesn't get even a bit of offense in for the first minute. A spear puts JBL down but he rolls out before he can be pinned. King makes like his sixth stock market joke, something about ups and downs and JBL being tossed around the ring, I don't know. Batista goes out to retrieve JBL's CARCASS but as Batista was reentering the ring in after JBL, Bradshaw kicked him off the apron, dropping Teest outside. JBL rolls him in for two and lands a neckbreaker. Obligatory JBL sleeper spot. Boring. fjffjdfjfk boring. sdlfj;slfdfjl. lasjdf;lsjfls;dfj. flasjdf;lsdjfldsfj;lsdfj;sfdjs;af ! Batista eventually gets out with a slam. Double KO and then they're back up for slugging punches. Batista resumes domination. He is really half assing it tonight. He's barely grunting and spastically kicking at all when he does his corner shoulder thrusts. Spear attempt but JBL stops it with a kick, so Batista spinebusters instead. Batista Bomb. Win.

Winner and NEW Number One Contender : Batista

Nothing like a predictable, forgettable match to lull me into apathy. Batista raises his arms emotionlessly after the match.

Match Rating :

Batista snaps his fingers at the camera. That cool motherfucker. They replay the Batista Bomb three times. It's not worth replaying three times. JBL is flopping on the ground in the ring with a microphone. He says this has been the most unbelievable week of his life. He really thought he was going to beat Batista and become World Champion again. JBL admits his heart wasn't in this tonight. Neither was Batista's from the look of things. JBL says that due to the shit going down on Wall Street, he wants to tell us straight from his heart that he's the happiest, most blessed man alive and wants to thank Congress for shelling out billions of dollars so rich people like him can keep his millions. He says it'll cost us proles ten thousand dollars per household to pay for this bailout, which isn't even remotely accurate. He thanks Obama AND McCain for voting for the bailout, just to get that Libertarian and Green Party heat. He thanks us for picking up the tab and says he'll never forget this wonderful backwoods city. Maybe they actually are in North Carolina tonight. Anyway JBL leaves and it is very clear King doesn't know SHIT about the economy as he says "Well the fans didn't vote for this, uh, I mean the Congress, well the bailout..." Cryme Tyme gets on the screen and says they've decided to bail out JBL's brand new limousine. They gonna do what it do tonight on the town. They then start dancing with a bunch of divas, among them Michelle McCool. Expect Cryme Tyme to get pinned twice a night on every show for the next year before being released. MONEY MONEY YEAH YEAH. Mickie James starts rapping with them in the sunroof, her southern accent prevailing. I hope she chokes on Shad's cock tonight.

VIDEO PACKAGE! For those of you who don't watch Smackdown (all all of you) I'm sure this footage would just be slightly boring to you. But for those of you who do, this is the same footage you've seen ONE MILLION TIMES AND NOT ONE TIME LESS every Friday for the past month. Unless you cheat when you watch Smackdown and just change the channel whenever it comes on instead of gritting your teeth and fuming at the repetitiveness like I do. Anyway this thing goes on for literally several minutes. Not a couple, not a few, SEVERAL. I grit my teeth and fume the entire time. Their match is next.

Big Show vs Undertaker, GRUDGE MATCH

I think JR bills Taker as "one of the most dominating forces to come out of the Pacific Northwest." I'm not sure, I was only half-listening, but if he did, lose weight, J.R. They both start off in boxing stances. Doesn't Big Show know Taker is the best pure striker in the WWE?! What is he, retarded? Anyway, Big Show's lesser strikes send Taker out of the ring right off the bat. Well damn. Taker repeatedly tries to get in but Big Show repeatedly thwarts that shit. THWARTS IT I SAY. Outside Show dominates and all that until he gets sent into the ringpost. He gets laid out on the apron and Taker hits his apron legdrop. Back in Taker hits a couple clotheslines in the corner but Show soon gets revenge with a clothesline in open space. Scoop slam. Elbow drop. Headbutt. Et cetera. Et cetera. Et cetera. Show misses a Banzai Drop with his stomach off the second rope and Taker regains control with his best strikes. Running DDT by Taker gets two. Old School attempt sees Taker jumps straight into a chokeslam for a nearfall. Taker is up and it's a double goozle that turns into just choking. Show eventually lifts Taker up for another chokeslam but Taker stops it halfway with another DDT for two. More pure strikes that get nowhere. Taker shoves the ref halfway across the ring and doesn't get DQ'd, but does turn into a Big Show, um, punch. Another punch puts Taker down. Show lifts Taker's prone head up and connects with a third solid punch as the ref calls for the end of the match.

Winner : Big Show

Now you might be thinking, how can Undertaker lose to punches? Isn't he the best pure striker in the WWE? Why of course he is, but you see Big Show's hands are in actuality frying pans, and thus his strikes are impure. Got it?

Match Rating :

Taker stumbles to his feet before falling over sideways, grabbing at air. Using the ropes for assistance, he eventually gets to a half-standing position while staring at nothing with glazed eyes. I hate it when they do these "inside" jokes and skits. Jake Roberts has already went through enough this year. He almost gets up before falling again in a sitting position and staring straight ahead, dumbfounded. Look, Scott Hall's had a rough time this year, allright?

WWE 24/7 ad. It's the largest sports entertainment library in the world. The second largest, of course, being YouTube. What the fuck library makes you pay just to see their stuff anyway?

Back and Taker is stumbling up the ramp, attempting to walk in a straight line. Hey, Kurt Angle's been through a lot this year, man.

IN THE BACK NOW Triple H is on his way to the ring. They say the WWE Championship is the greatest prize in all of WWE, which is strange because they used to say that about the World Heavyweight Championship. I think it's just whatever belt Hunter is holding at the time. For that brief moment, backstage and off-camera, when Triple H casually handed Michelle McCool's belt to her after she dropped it, the Diva's Championship was the greatest prize in all of sports entertainment.

72% of fat kids watching voted Jeff Hardy. 72% of fat kids watching are going to be pissed off that they filled up their Christmas lists with faggy Jeff Hardy merch instead of even more DX shirts.

Hardy/Triple H video package is on now. It's comprised of much of the Scramble match with a voiceover of Triple H saying "That Scramble match was the hardest match I've ever been in" over footage of him repeatedly pinning people. Jeff Hardy makes his entrance. JR does a great job talking Hardy up, reminding us that he beat Triple H to win his first Intercontinental Championship, thus ensuring that even if Hardy was booked to win tonight, once Hunter hears that he'll just shoot on Hardy at the end, hit the Pedigree, and pin him TO GET HIS WIN BACK.

Jeff Hardy vs WWE Champion Triple H, WWE Championship Match

In-ring intros and Triple H gets an admittedly slightly bigger pop. Handshake and Hunter goes on the attack and for a pin right away. Hardy cartwheels out of an armwrench and into a headlock on Triple H who escapes. Staredown and the crowd has been just cheering wildly for the full first minute of the match. Series of reversals and one-upmanship ensue, the story being Hardy manages to out-wrestle Triple H. If this leads to Triple H trying to out-aerial maneuver Hardy, well that will be nothing short of awesome. Just try to picture a Triple H Swanton. Like a defeathered ostrich jumping off a cliff, isn't it? No? Well. Long Hardy chant continues even after H puts Hardy down with an elbow. Irish Whip is countered into a Whisper In the Wind setup which Trips prevents by grapping Hardy's legs, but Hardy counters with a hurricarana that sends THE GAME out of the ring. You just got played, fool. Flying clothesline off the apron by Hardy onto Hunter connects and it's a double count until both get back in. Upon doing so, Hardy lands a slingshot legdrop and a long side headlock. Hunter eventually gets out and looks to dump Hardy from the ring but Jeff lands on the apron. Triple H goes for a Pedigree through the ropes while Hardy is on the apron, but this is countered with a back body drop that dumps Trips over and out of the ring. Hardy then goes for a running leap over the top rope but Trips dodges and Hardy smacks his back right into the ground. Motherfuck.

Trips reenters the ring to wait for the countout win, but caves and goes out to retrieve Hardy for a nearfall. Because there's nothing quite like pinning them, is there? Backbreaker on Hardy and elbow drops RIGHT IN THE SPINE. Two count and Hardy gets the edge with punches but looks for a backbody drop off a whip and eats knee. Cannibal. Nearfall, and a punch from Trips sends Hardy careening across the ring. Abdominal stretch. I never got why the victim doesn't just gouge the guy's eyes out if it's so deadly. Especially in the Carolinas. You'd be more over than Gregory Helms. H grabs the top rope for support but the ref catches it and forces him to break the hold. Sleeperhold now as J.R. lists a series of old wrestlers nobody knows who have used the move. Randy Savage, who in the fuck? Ha, you thought I was going to say Chris Benoit, and goddamnit I just did. Irish whip but Hardy comes back with his flying double forearm, thing. GOVERNMENT Mule kick and a series of dropkicks get repeated nearfalls for Hardy. Hunter tries to grapple Hardy who surprisingly chucks him from the ring. He goes for the crazy dive again and hits it, smacking back-first into Triple H's face, leading to a double count on the outside.

They both get back inside in time and Hardy comes off the top with a clothesline for two. Twist of Fate countered and a clothesline by Trips picks up a two for him. Back and forth and Triple H goes up top and comes off to get caught with a kick in the stomach and a falcon arrow suplex by Hardy for two. Sloppy Whisper In The Wind from the second rope is countered by H who lands a shot to Hardy's back and goes for the pin, which gets two. Huge fucking Spinebuster rocks the ring next and Hunter positions Hardy for the Pedigree. Hardy reverses with a slingshot into the corner. Whisper in the Wind hits this time and scores a very close nearfall. Hardy with a dropkick in the corner and strips down to go up. Swanton misses but he's right back up, and put right back into Pedigree position, but Hardy reverses and hits the Twist of Fate! Swanton Bomb connects! Holy shit! Jeff Hardy pins for one! Two! Two? Rollup by Triple H for three.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Triple H

Match Rating :

My extreme bias aside, great, great match. Post-match handshake takes place without incident and Hunter takes his leave with his belt. Cyber Sunday promo showing CM Punk texting cool hip teenagers. Back to replays of the match. Those ads are really misplaced. In the back now, Triple H is walking around and shakes some old accountant looking guy's hand, who congratulates him on the match. Vladimir Kozlov then interrupts and, damn, I forgot he existed. Thank GOD he didn't fuck that match up. I remember getting pissed the fuck off on Smackdown some week because I thought he was going to. Vladimir wishes Hunter congratulations before a long staredown and, eventually, Vladimir walking away. Serious tone of the moment is ruined by Cole referring to him as the Moscow Mauler. Ladder Match is next, so extended video package time. That wife punch cracks me up every time. KAPOW! Haha. Seriously though. You could tell she's taken a few of those before.
 
World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs Shawn Michaels, World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match

Jericho enters first which is kind of fucked up but, whatever. Y2J vs HBK. SaveUs vs Saved. The Heartbreak Kid vs The Lionheart. There's probably more, but the match is starting now.

Both are solemn and sullen as their staredown continues well after the ring bell. Eventually they lockup and exchange basic opening wrestling maneuvers until HBK goes for the superkick but Jericho drops. HBK charges Jericho in the corner but he dodges and Michaels shoulder slams into the ringpost. More fast-paced wrestling with Jericho continuing to come out on top. A clothesline sends HBK onto the apron so Jericho hits a springboard clothesline that sends both of them out of the ring with Jericho landing on his feet. Our first use of a ladder occurs when Jericho whips Michaels into one set up outside the ring but Michaels jumps and quickly escalates it before leaping off it and onto Jericho. We then get more traditional use of ladders immediately after, what with the nailing them in eachother's faces and all. Walls of Jericho on the outside weakens Michaels and Jericho enters the ring with the big ladder, but while pulling it in Michaels knocks it into his face. HBK slides it in and sets it up before proceeding to climb for the belt at a normal pace. If they can keep that speed while climbing ladders consistent throughout the match, this will instantly become the greatest ladder match ever. Jericho is up in time to stop Shawn's ascent with a powerbomb setup that segues into the Walls but HBK leaps out before it can be applied and starts climbing once more, so Jericho just tips the ladder over and Michaels is down. Jericho, bleeding from the mouth now, brings the other ladder into the ring and sets it up in the corner. Bulldog attempt sees Michaels shove him off, propelling Y2J into the ladder and getting his foot caught all up in it. Michaels throws down the ladder with Jericho's leg still caught, getting his knee all kinds of fucked up. Michaels sets up a ladder horizontally in the corner and hits a shinbreaker on the ladder. Awesome.

Figure Four followed by lots of creative ladder spots. Such as a ladder sandwich. Well, there's some creative spots mixed in here, anyway. Jericho up for the climb but gets knocked over, landing on his feet which doesn't hurt despite having a seriously fucked knee. I'll allow them that much, they're at least climbing the ladders as if there aren't sandbags attached to their arms and legs. Jericho lays a ladder down on the very top turnbuckle before charging with Michaels' head aimed for it, but HBK counters by throwing Jericho up and onto the ladder, which then sends him outside. Michaels chucks a ladder onto Jericho for good measure and Jericho is a bloody mess. A third and even bigger ladder is introduced here which Michaels sets up at ringside. He considerately clears out the announcer's table before laying Jericho onto it and climbing the ladder. STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN! Jericho is up however and they fight on the same side of the ladder before botching a spot and both sort of just falling back and tumbling through the table. I think Jericho was supposed to hit a back suplex, but he went through the table first and got the worst of it. Michaels is up and crawls into the ring. Quiet crowd is sort of killing this. Jericho soon follows into the ring but Shawn is waiting on the top rope with a ladder. Jericho sees this and dropkicks the ladder into Michaels' face before stupidly climbing it. It's a leaning ladder, not set up, and standing almost vertical. I couldn't do that shit if I had to at my house, let alone willingly climb it knowing another guy "might" push me off. Superplex attempt spot with Jericho trying to superplex Shawn up over the ladder he's standing on, but Shawn counters and, if you can believe this, shoves Jericho, who falls to the ground with the ladder following him but not hitting him. He then grabs the ladder and holds it over himself, for protection, probably. BUT IT BACKFIRES~! Michaels is off the top with an elbow that the announcers say he nailed THROUGH the spaces in the ladder, and totally didn't just completely fuck his own elbow up for no necessary reason.

Michaels writhes in pain after the elbow drop but sets up the Sweet Chin Music. Jericho however grabs a ladder and swings it around as Michaels charged, smashing it into his face. Jericho then lays a ladder on top of Michaels and hits a Lionsault onto the ladder and Michaels. Jericho sets up the ladder over Michaels, pinning Michaels beneath it as he climbs. Genius. Or some other thing. I forget. Guess we'll see. He goes for the belt but Michaels SOMEHOW manages to tip the ladder and Jericho goes FLYING out of the ring and lands on his pre-fucked knee. AWESOME. Jericho takes his kneepad off as the ref checks on him. Michaels is setting up the ladder and going for the championship. Very slowly. Goddamnit. Jericho eventually gets in the ring as Michaels' hand is on the title before knocking the ladder over and crotching Michaels on the ropes. Jericho's turn for the slow climb. Michaels then races up the ladder and it's a battle on the top. Jericho falls off the ladder but his foot gets caught in the steps. LANCE CADE is then out to yank Michaels off the ladder. I thought it was Orton or somebody. Seriously, I didn't recognize him for ten seconds, I was confused and pissed off. Now I'm just pissed off. Jericho then straightens himself out and climbs for the belt but luckily it's not a bullshit finish. Michaels easily dispatches Cade and is right back up. Both men are grabbing the belt and simultaneously punching eachother. Jericho is literally hanging by one hand on the belt and one foot on the ladder as he is leaning way back, with Michaels flailing to get Jericho to fall off. Jericho then quickly yanks himself forward and headbutts Michaels in the face, knocking Shawn down from the ladder and allowing him to grab his championship.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : Chris Jericho

Jericho's blood is smeared over his face as he makes his exit laughing with Lance Cade supporting him.

Match Rating :
Great match. Lot of good laddery stuff, I even half-expected Michaels to win it for a couple seconds.

Overall an excellent show. Not ONE bad match, as even the expectantly mediocre ones were decent enough. Both Main Events were fantastic, though I'd name Hardy-HHH match of the night. Anyway, nothing bad to say about this show at all, unless I wanted to be a real asshole about it. WHICH I DO. What the fuck man, no THE Brian Kendrick?! Better fix that shit come Cyber Sunday. Well anyway. All in all it was a good night. Great matches, cute turtles, and minimal talk about my cock. It was a good time. Thumbs way up. END SHOW.
 
SEND FEEDBACK TO ANTHONY DEAN

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).