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WWE
NO MERCY
(10/08/06)
by James Walker

 

Hey there, kids! It’s been a couple of months since you heard from me, but I swear, I WAS NOT on the run from the cops. I just happened to go on a vacation to Greenland as a warrant for my arrest came about; that’s it. Oh, and by the way, uhh, you guys were with me June 22nd from 8pm to 10pm, right? If anyone asks, we were… playing Boggle. ... I won, too.

 

Anyways! Welcome to the 7th Annual PPV Extravaganza called NO MERCY! Alright, alright, it’s not so much of an “extravaganza” as it is an… umm, “expectedvaganza”? Sure, why not. Point is, tonight, your good pal James Walker (thought my credit rating is horrible and I never once had a pen pal) is here to bring you all the goodness that you were too lazy to steal! So, enough with the chit-chat, I’ve got some racist jokes wrestling to call!

 

Matt Hardy w/Surfing a Tornado VS Gregory Helms w/o Standing Back for a Hurricane, Non Title

 

Sooo, Gregory Helms is the longest reigning Cruiserweight champion of all time, despite rarely defending the gold, eh? That’s sort of saying that saying the Pinto is the safest car in rear-end accidents, as long as no one is in it.

 

Seeing as this PPV is taking place in North Carolina, both these native NCers have their friends and family in the audience. You know, that could lead to some pretty awesome moments in the match:

 

*Matt Hardy climbs the turnbuckle, going for a leg drop*

Matt’s Mom: MATTHEW! GET DOWN FROM THERE AND DO THE DISHES!

Matt: Aww mom! I’m just gonna finish wrestling with Shane, ok?

Matt’s Mom: His name is GREGORY, and I don’t want you hurting him! His mother would be very upset!

Gregory: Don’t worry, Mrs. Hardy. I’m fine, see?

Matt: We’re trained profession-

Matt’s Mom: I don’t care what you say! That nice Mr. McMahon has warnings telling you not to try this at home, and you’re at home now so don’t try it!

Matt: But-

Matt’s Mom: DISHES! NOW!

Matt: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EMBARRASS ME LIKE THIS?!

*Matt runs to the back in tears, hides under the bed, and listens to some Good Charlotte*

 

Typical wristlock/headlock/pansy-ass-moves-that-never-do-any-damage-but-we’re-stalling starts us off. Hardy has the advantage early on, and the crowd starts to dish off some decent heel heat to Helms, just because they can. Heck, after some more work on Helms, the fans begin to chant for Hardy! I’ll bet you anything Matt puts “North Carolina Fans” in his Top 8 Friends tonight.

 

Hardy clotheslines Helms to the floor, and then lands a plancha. (Or, as it’s called in English, “a planch”) With Helms in the corner, Matt stomps him down and lands the Old Justin “Welcome to Target, How May I Help You?” Credible sit-out corner powerbomb for two. Helms gains the advantage, then landed an admittedly neat looking neck/back breaker across his knee for two. Matt telegraphed a charge, and climbed up top, but Helms cut him off and landed an even more admittedly cool looking 2nd rope Russian Leg Sweep. However, I must digress. Simple physics tells us that force = mass X acceleration, and as both guys fell at the acceleration force of gravity, and are roughly the same mass, it SHOULD hurt them equally. But then again, this is a business where zombies have electric powers, so maybe physics doesn’t apply. Who knows.

 

Helms landed a nifty inverted back-cracker, and then heeled (Tar Heeled?) it up by locking in a cool looking half nelson choke. See, Randy? THIS is how you do a rest hold! Helms put Hardy on his shoulders, but Matt floats out into a reverse DDT. They trade shots; Matt slams Helms down, and lands the Yodeling Leg Drop for two. Matt would be instantly awesome if, instead of yelling “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” he said “RIIIIIIIIICOLA!”

 

By the way, do you know what’s cool? GROUCHO STAMOS!

 

 

Helms reverses a Twist of Fate into a fancy-ass inverted double arm DDT for two. He then one ups himself by landing another one, from the second rope, for another near fall. He lands a third one, and comes off the top with the “shit shit I forgot that this guy might not want to get hurt and try to defend himself so I’m gonna let him hit me on the way down”. Matt lands a couple of side effects (now with 50% less of a chance of herpes!) for two, then lands a third and head to the top rope. Moonsault attempt eats knees, but Matt ducks the Shining Wizard (which isn’t to be confused with the “Shitting Wizard”, which set to be Kevin Nash’s new finisher) and gets a roll up for two. 

 

Helms goes for a Twist of Fate, but Matt’s fate is the one that is twisted when Helms backdrops out of it, and lands the Polished Warlock for two. Helms got Matt in superplex position, Matt battled out, but Helms still yanked Matt down on to the top rope and caused his testicles more pain than the time Lita came home from a tour a Mexico. Helms then landed a neat variation of the Shining Wizard, with Matt still crotched, but matt STILL kicks out. A neat sequence of reversals sees Matt landing the Twist of Fate, and gets the three count. Good opener.

 

Winner: Matt Hardy

 

Backstage, BookAHH confides in Sir William Regal that he can’t slay three fire breathing dragons… And Regal responds that that’s not a problem, as dragons are mythical creatures that never existed and even if they did they surely would have had some pretty nasty mouth burns that would make drinking hot coffee seem like nothing. .. Alright, he didn’t say that, but it’s what I thought he should have. Anywho, Booker requests that Regal try to get Finlay to lay down for him, and Regal suggests that GHB works pretty well for that. … Alright, he didn’t say that either. Whatever.

 

“Don’t Call Me American” Idol Stevens & KC “Don’t Call me Sunshine Band” James w/ Michelle “I Can’t Believe My Last Name is Legit” McCool VS Paul “I’ve Never Been To The Tower Of” London & Brian “You Can’t Make Fun Of” Kendrick w/ Ashley “I Wish The WWE Would Let Me Have My Last Name Back”, WWE Tag Team Titles

 

You know it’s a sad state of affairs when Ashley, the hardxor3 roxorz chix!!1, is dressed more conservatively than Michelle McCool, the heel teacher bitch. Ok, so it’s not really a sad state of affairs as much as it’s a “hey, I’ll be darned”, but I LOVE HYPERBOLE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

 

London takes control early with a headscissors, which allows some quick double teaming from THA HOOLIGANZ. I love it when name changes just don’t get over – A-Train, The Big Valbowski, U.S.S.R. All good times.

 

Anywho, London lands his mushroom stomp off the top rope to Stevens’ arm, and then Kendrick got the rocket launcher from London on to “I swear, my name isn’t Aaron”. James got the blind tag however, and nailed London with a missile dropkick. You know, I’m no military arm’s specialist, but I’m pretty sure missiles are supposed to go further than 8 feet, and EXPLODE on impact; not fall to the mat and bruise your hip. Just sayin’.

 

Kendrick & London regained control when they tosses Stevens and James to the outside, and landed stereo plachas. (Stereo Plancha? Sounds like a sleazy out-of-the-box electronic store in El Paso.) London went to the top rope, but James shoved him off, and London did a reasonably sick bump, just because. This allowed Stevens to control with a chinlock, and allow James to come off the second rope with a knee drop. (By the way, every time I describe a move that KC James is doing, I picture myself doing it, and it looks horrible in my mind because I’m oBSscenely  ufnoordinated;~!21)

 

 London played the face in peril, taking some OVW-y offence from the challengers. Stevens even went old school on us, and pulled Kendrick off the apron as London seemed to be able to make the tag. However, it didn’t matter much because London still broke out of a double backdrop attempt and tagged Spanky in, who, umm, spanked James & Stevens a new asshole? I dunno.

 

Hey, this match is fun. You know what else is fun? BOZO THE STAMOS!

 

 

Stevens stopped Kendrick from landing the Sliced Bread #2 on James, but then London dove on to Stevens on the outside. Kendrick took a big superplex from James, but London came Calling and broke it up. (Don’t you DARE think I haven’t been waiting to reference that this whole match) Stevens came back in, but Kendrick stole Chris Sabin’s playbook and landed a tornado DDT on James as he kicked Stevens, but Michelle got James’ foot on the rope.  Stevens took over, and Michelle tried to intervene some more, but Ashley was all like “GURL IMA GONNA B3AT U D0WNT0WN 2 CH1NATOWN”

 

London saved Kendrick from a Double suplex, then threw Spanky in the air, and Kendrick dropkicked both guys. Kendrick then gave James the Sliced Bread #2, went down on all fours, and then London jumped off his back in a shooting star press for the 3 count.

 

 

Winners: The ROHd Warriors

 

We get a hype video for The Marine. John Cena has a movie coming out? Geez, I had no clue. WWE should really pimp this more.

 

Backstage, Regal looks for an Irishman, but finds a transvestite street thug. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Regal notices that Vito isn’t jumping rope correctly, as he’s “sweating like Vince McMahon in a church”. Regal shows him how to properly do it to the tune of “London Bridge”. This, folks, is why I love William Regal. Anywho, as I wonder why Vito is jumping rope despite the fact that he isn’t scheduled to have a match, he wipes his brow with the dress, Causing Regal to face plant into some conveniently placed condiments. If you put on some Benny Hill music, this segment would have been complete.

 

Teddy Long made his way to the ring, as a giant box (not this) sat in the ring. Apparently, the big package (not this ) is for The Miz, as today is his 26th birthday! Hoo-really cares? Miz comes out (not this ) and confirms that yes; he made it around the sun again. This brings out Layla, who starts to give Miz a hyperactive British lap dance. She puts on a blindfold, and then, of course, we get the old Bait & Switch as the present is opened up to reveal that fat stripper that’s been on our TV way too much this year. This leads to hilarity. Why aren’t you laughing? LAUGH, GOD DAMN IT.

 

Oh, and by the way, we might have seen some testicles. Yep.

 

 

MVP gets a big ol’ snazzy entrance, complete with a blue bodysuit type of deal that JBL says he stole from a Power Ranger. Zordon’s been taken hostage? Aie Yaie Yaie! MVP cuts a generic promo, as we get find out who his opponent is. Vito? Chris Benoit? NOPE!

 

Montel “What the hell kind of middle name is” Vontavious Porter VS … MARTY GARNER

 

Oh yes! A jobber match on a PPV! Thanks WWE; you really know how to make these events something to talk about. (Talk about how retarded they are, that is.) Anywho, MVP has the BEST RING ATTIRE EVER.

 

 

Sean Carless: "Oh, MVP. You are soooooooo Funky."

 

Anyways. MVP displays little to nothing here to gauge him on, so the jury is still out. Montel (not this) lands his finisher (Leg Drive Neckbreaker/Elix Skipper’s Play of the Day/One of Carlito’s Many Failed Finishers) for the win. Okiedokie.

 

Winner: M.V.P.

 

So basically, M.V.P.’s character is that he’s all flash, and doesn’t produce everything. Problem is, the WWE already has that – it’s called Randy Orton.

 

Backstage, Regal came out of the shower at the same time as Vito... AND HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, WE SAW WILLIAM REGAL’S COCK. The cameraman fucked up, and, wow, geez. The one time WWE actually gives us nudity on a PPV, and it’s like this… bah. Anywho, we get some penis jokes, then Teddy “I’m Black so it’s Probably” Long puts Regal in a match tonight. So, I guess we’ve had two big PPV debuts tonight – MVP and William Regal’s cock. However, both fell flat.

 

Oh, by the way, wwe.com just released the following statement:

 

 

But hey… don’t forget to tune in Tuesday night on Sci Fi for EXTREME STRIP POKER!!!

 

Hey, that’s sorta like:

 

 

Mr. Kennedy … Kennedy VS The Undertaker, Non-title… Non-title.

 

So, get this. On WWE.com, they’ve been reporting that this match was to be for the United States title, but now it’s suddenly not. Reminds me of the time an ex-girlfriend told me to come over with some condoms, only to discover she needed them to make water balloons.

 

Take dominated the match from the beginning, working on the arm, but Kennedy shows some inherent intelligence and simply gets the hell out of dodge (Where IS dodge, anyways?) when Taker started to go for the Old School rope walk. Taker follows Kennedy, and shows the beginnings of Zombie Psychology (Developed by Sigmund Freud, 3 years ago), by slamming Kennedy’s arm into the steel steps. Taker throws Kennedy back into the ring, and continues to work over the arm. And here I was, thinking zombies only targeted brains.

 

Taker tries for the old school again, but Ken hops to the first rope and arm drags Taker back into the ring. Kennedy mauls Taker for a bit, but You Can’t Keep a Good Zombie Down and Taker fights back, landing the Old School. Taker lands the Flatliner for two, as Kanyon asks Mark Calloway to pray the dark lord for his gay soul. Triv bit: Edge use to use the Flatliner as a finisher, and called it “The Downward Spiral”. Coincidentally, JFK Jr. died in a plane crash, as his aircraft charged towards earth in a maneuver called “The Downward Spiral”. Classy, WWE. Classy.

 

Hey, guess what? It’s THE BIG RED STAMOS!

 

 

 Kennedy slumps in the corner and undoes the turnbuckle pad, but Taker still dominates and mauls Kennedy in the opposing corner. (Not literally, but I’d just thought I’d clarify.  ... You can never be too safe with the un-dead.) Taker misses a big boot, and ends up on the apron, where Kennedy knocks him into the security railing from inside the ring. Kennedy works on Taker on the outside, but Taker catches a cross body attempt and rams Kennedy into the steel post. Kennedy stalls for time, and as Taker gets back in the ring, Kennedy takes advantage and lands a DDT through the ropes. Kennedy chokes Taker and such, but misses a charge and Taker lands a big boot. Taker clotheslines Kennedy to the floor and ends up on the apron, on his gut. Taker climbs up to the apron, and lands his leg drop to the back of the neck. Luckily, Taker’s leg didn’t literally drop. Zombies Limbs aren’t all reliable, y’know…

 

In the ring, Kennedy lands some kicks and actually lands an impressively stiff piledriver. Taker sits up after a two count, but Kennedy locks in a tazzmission-esque submission, which I’m officially dubbing “The Grassy Hold”, but Taker gets out of it. Taker lands a back drop, flying clotheslines, and some of those dangerous SOUP BONES! BEEF BROTH AND CREAM OF CELERY A PLENTY! Snake eyes, big boot, but Kennedy escapes a chokeslam attempt with a neckbreaker. Kennedy’s roundhouse kick misses, and taker chokeslams Kennedy to HAAAYUUUULLLLL (or the mat. Either or.) Taker attempts the Last Ride, (Hey, maybe Kanyon will start using this as his finish since Taker stole his!) but Kennedy fights out of it. Kennedy nails Taker into the exposed turnbuckle, land lands a clothesline. Up top, the Kenton Bomb lands, but Taker kicks out. Kennedy looks scared, grabs his title belt, but the ref takes it away. Taker takes the belt, and inexplicably hits Kennedy, drawing a D.Q.

 

Winner via Disqualification: Mr. Kennedy

 

After the match, just for shits and giggles, Taker tombstones Kennedy and the ref. Oh my god! He Killed Kennedy!

 

The next WWE PPV on the radar is Cyber Sunday, as evidenced by the promo package. It seems like the WWE finally figured out that Tuesday wasn’t so much Taboo as it was a stupid day for a PPV.

 

We get a video package detailing the Chavo/Rey feud. Little Mexicans fighting over the love of someone who won’t return it? What is this, Tijuana’s gum-selling district?

 

Chavo Guerrero, w/Vickie Guerrero VS Rey Mysterio, w/blanks

 

Hey, remember how Chavo “retired”? Turns out, he was actually getting HAIR SURGERY. I demand a “My Sacrifice” video!

 

 

 

It’s worth noting that Larry Zybysko had the same surgery, and apparently, he’s a former ECW Champion!:

 

 

Fierce Mexican brawling; not unlike those chickens with razor beaks. Rey “El Diablo” Mysterio lands a dropkick and heads up top, but Chavo cuts him off. They trade strikes up top, Chavo tries to powerbomb to the floor, but alas, they knock each other off in what seemed like an overly drawn out spot.

 

I’m bored. EZEKIAL STAMOS!

 

 

 They brawl up to the entrance way, where Chavo tries to powerbomb Rey, but Rey holds on to the stage rigging, and ends up landing a rana on Chavo for two. Chavo fights back, eventually nailing a nifty looking Gory Bomb on to the guard rail. Rey, however, fights back with a gourdbuster over the railing and a big leg while Chavo was hung (not this). Chavo ends up stealing an old STEVE BLACKMAN spot when Rey tries a wheelbarrow bulldog, but Chavo just tosses Rey into the barricade. More brawling in the crowd and Rey lands a seated senton off some hockey boards.

 

Alright, I’ve gotta stop this recap for a second. Seriously, how does anyone in this day and age actually think wrestling is real? I mean, I can understand submission holds and even stuff like suplexes and DDT’s, but fucking hurricaranas off of guard railings? This whole blood feud has been built off of the legitimate death of a good friend of both competitors, and to settle their rivalry, they’re using elaborate lucha take downs? That’s like the Civil War ending in a break dancing competition.

 

Ok, back to the match. More “I slam you into a barricade, as fans slap our backs” action. Eventually, Rey hits a 619 off the bleachers (don’t ask), and lands a cross body off of a railing to Chavo, for a 2 count... but then Rey moves him so he can get his shoulders to the ground, and NOW he gets a 3 count.

 

Winner: Rey Mysterio

 

After the match, Rey actually shows a little heelness by continuing to stomp away on Chavo (“GRR! I HATE YOU! … I AM GOING TO HOOK YOUR LEG FOR THREE SECONDS!”). But hey, this match wasn’t all bad. They could have done a casket or an Urn on a Pole match.

 

Anyways, Vickie consoles Chavo... but does so while looking like a fucking demon.

 

 

 

William Regal VS… CHRIS BENOIT?!?!

 

Oh fuck yes.

 

Benoit chant. Tie-up, rope break. Tie-up, arm wringer by Benoit, blocked chop by Regal. Tie up, snapmare by regal. Benoit battles out of a headlock with an arm wrench, and turns it into a keylock to avoid Regal grabbing his leg. Regal reverses to a front face lock, turned into a top wrist lock. Regal floats down low for a trip, and gets Benoit into a test of strength. Benoit fights back, and regal bridges completely, but drops to his back and kicks Benoit in the head.

 

Regal then kips up, lands a tomoe throw, all while tied up. Benoit locks in a body scissors (not this), but Regal gets out of it by actually stepping on Benoit’s face. Benoit lands some chops (not this), lands a release german (not this) but Regal works on Benoit’s arm. Benoit does the old Al Snow trapping headbutts spot, and Regal is bleeding. Benoit goes up top and lands the big headbutt (not this) for two.

 

Regal tries to suplex Benoit to the outside from the apron, but Benoit blocks it. However, Benoit fails a german (not this) to the outside as Regal lands a stiff DDT on the apron, for a two count. Regal lands some knees, but Benoit comes back with a two big chops. (not this) Benoit goes for the sharpshooter (not this) but Regal blocks it and comes back with a big knee (not this ). Regal covers Benoit, but Benoit kicks out. (not this) Regal locks in a tight abdominal stretch with a torquing head lock, but Benoit battled out bit some chops to Regal’s bloody head (not this) Regal battled back with an exploder (not this) t-bone (not this) suplex. Regal tried for the Regal Stretch, but Benoit converted it into a fujiwara arm bar (not this), which Regal got to the ropes to break it up. Regal hit a big kick and applied a surfboard (not this), and then applied a dragon sleeper (not this) Benoit got out of it, but Regal locked in a full nelson. (not this) Benoit got out of it, Regal arm dragged (not this) him, but Benoit landed a dragon suplex. (not this) Benoit battled Regal into Crossface position, and got the submission.

 

Winner: Chris Benoit

 

Backstage, Booker confronts a bloody Regal, asking him if he talked to Finlay. Regal then tries to detail all the events of the evening, but Booker is all like “TALK TO THE HAND”. On a side note, I talk to my hand every night, usually telling it that’s been a dirty girl. Booker claimed that Regal was to blame for this situation, to which Regal promptly decked Booker in the hallway. Oh sure, William. Brits can enslave black people for centuries, but the minute one tries to enslave you JUST A LITTLE, you get all huffy? Geez. What an asshole.

 

Elsewhere backstage, Lashley and Batista concur on the fact that the name of the PPV is No Mercy. .. yep. Nooooooooo mercy. None at all. Not even an iota of mercy. If you’re trying to withdraw Mercy from the bank tonight, you’ll have insufficient funds. Hell, Ethiopian kids have more Mercy.

 

Oh, and by the way, here’s a little poll found on wwe.com. It wasn’t doctored by Sean in Photoshop at all... nooooo.

 

 

Clearly, we need to get more people behind William Regal’s Penis!

 

Sylvan Sez:

I’ll get behind William Regal’s Penis…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finlay VS Lashley VS Batista VS King Booker w/Sharmell, Fatal 4 Way, World Heavyweight Championship

 

If this match lived up to it’s “fatal” prediction, something tells me Booker would be arrested. (even if he didn’t commit it, he’s black and he’s got a criminal record. That’s all the evidence anyone needs!) But really, I think a “Fatal Four Way” sounds a little more a propos if say, it was Edge VS Lita VS Cowboy Bob Orton VS Missy Hyatt. Fuck HIAC’s, THAT match would shorten careers.

 

Anyways, Finlay ducked out of the ring to let Lashley and Batista double team Booker from the opening bell. You know, I think Lashley and Batista seem to have a nice camaraderie because they both posses some STELLAR Soul patches!

 

 

However, Finlay rolled back in and took out the good guys, simply because he wanted to beat some meat… heads. (Seriously guys… I’ve been saving that line for over a year now, and I just never remembered to use it when I had a chance. So be proud for me, ok?) Finlay tossed Lashley outside, and he lays there because the more men there are in a match, the more simple moves hurt – its science.

 

Anyways, Finlay and Booker put aside their differences, and start double teaming DAVE. However, Lashley ran in, threw out Finlay, and landed a big spinebuster on Booker for a two count. With Booker, Lashley, and Batista all in the ring at the same time, during a main event no less, I’ve got a feeling that’s not the last time I call that move in this match. It’s like going to a rave and saying “Whoa! That guy just did ECSTACY!”

 

Finlay saved Booker from an irish whip (and who knows irish whips more than the irish?) and then rammed Lashley on the security wall when he missed a baseball slide. The two heels then returned to the ring and beat on DAVE some more, until Finlay turned on Booker with a stiff lariat. Lashley threw Batista into the steps on the outside, and traded shots with Booker in the ring, all while making sure Lashley didn’t get back in the ring. Finlay landed his butt drop splash, but Batista came in and prevented the DANGEROUS two count that would normally follow. I hate to think of what would happen if he didn’t break up that near fall… heck, this match might have just continued like it would have before! HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE THE SCORN OF A PREDICTABLE SPOT.

 

Finlay locks Batista in an armbar, but Batista powers up into a fireman’s carry, but Finlay was still holding on to Batista’s arm like it was a potato during the famine.. that is, until Lashley came in and booted him in the face, ruining his plans for Shepard’s Pie. Finlay regained his composure and got Lashley into a half crab, but Booker broke that up with a superkick that only got two, thanks to Batista. Booker ducked a clothesline and landed a shuffle side kick and they duked it out for a bit, until Batista over powered Booker with a side slam. It was all for naught (well, I don’t know who it was for, but sure as shit wasn’t for me) as Lashley came in and cleaned house, like any good negro would....

 

Psst. I got something for you guys. I call it... THE STAMOSINATOR.

 

 

Lashley thwarted a Finlay attack with a chair, and landed a Military press into a rib breaker. This was the leprechaun’s cue to run in and low blow Lashley. Quick question: If The Little Bastard pulled a Foley and lost an ear, would we call him a Leperchaun?

 

Finlay decked Lashley with the ShillelAGH I JUST GOT HIT WITH A STICK, but Booker broke up the cover. Finlay and Booker both tried to score pins on Lashley, but neither man would let each other get the fall. This led to some bickering, which Batista broke up with some clotheslines. You know, if all court cases were settled by a jacked up dude ramming his arm into your throat, I think the legal system would function much smoother.

 

Batista landed the jackhammer on Booker, but gave up on the pinfall so he could clothesline Finlay, who went to the floor. Lashley staggered up, and Batista speared him, for a near fall. DAVE then worked on BOBBY in the corner, but BOBBY floated out of a running powerslam attempt and landed a spinebuster (take a shot) for two. Lashley knocked Batista out of the ring, so he could sit there for a few minutes to let other guys get their spots in.

 

Booker spun Lashley around nailed the Bookend for two, but Lashley countered a suplex into an inside cradle for a two count of his own. Booker took over, but as he went for the scissors kick, Finlay came in with a stiff lariat for a near fall of his own. Finlay missed a corner charge, and Batista, who had blood pouring from the top of his head, came in and landed a spinebuster on Lashley (take a shot), Booker (take another shot), and Finlay (Jesus Christ, you’re hammered). Finlay took the Demon Bomb, but Lashley got up and chucked the spear (TM Joe Merrick) at Batista. As Lashley staggered to his senses, Booker sneaked in and got the pin on Finlay.

 

Winner: King Booker

 

Post match, Booker Celebrates, as Lashley goes back to his locker room to mope in his underwear:

 

 

Show highlight: Let’s go with Benoit/Regal. Awesome surprise return, even better match. While it’s nothing they haven’t done before, it’s still great to see these guys go at it.

 

Show lowlight: I’m gonna go with the Miz segment. Think about it – in one segment, we got Miz and the Fat Male Stripper. On a PAY-PER-VIEW. I’d never willingly watch either, let alone PAY for it.

 

Overall show thoughts: Damn fine PPV here. The wrestling was Smackdown at it’s best, the matches were smartly booked, and I was entertained – can’t ask for much more than that. Ok, sure, so I saw William Regal’s cock. And yeah, the MVP match wasn’t worth paying for. However, both were kept short. (Heyo~!) I really can’t say a bad word about this PPV – while not spectacular, it did nothing wrong. Plus, any show that gives Regal multiple backstage segments can’t possibly be bad. Thumbs up.

 
James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).