Welcome to No Mercy...for your wallet. I mean, didn't we just have a WWE ppv like 3 weeks ago? Man. If I was actually ever planning on paying this cable bill, I might have been outrageously pissed....
Anyway, Tonight's show comes to us from
MNM (Mercury, Nitro & Melina) Vs. Animal, a pantsless Heidenreich, and an unfortunately pants wearing Christie Hemme: SIX-PERSON SOIREE!
Gotta love the WWE. Only in this sport would the least attractive person in
the match (Heidenreich) be the one with the least amount of clothes. And speaking of which, is getting a matching pair of tights to Animal really
asking too much? I mean, a pair of slacks must have washed ashore in
Ok, now that I've insulted and alienated thousands of people, I'll get onto the match. Animal starts out for his team here, and has his shoulder taped up from MNM posting him on the previous SmackDown. And as you'd expect, both Nitro and Mercury go to work on it early; and for a guy who didn't sell shit for the past 20 years, Animal actually sells the shoulder pretty damn well. Anyway, after being decimated by MNM, Animal eats a snap shot, but he kicks out after Mercury takes too long to cover. The tide eventually turns though, when Animal catches Mercury coming off the ropes with a big powerslam. Heidenreich in, but gets thrown out immediately by Nitro, who then tries to dive on him from the apron, but Heidi moves and Nitro hits the barricade. Right on. Gotta love Heidenreich. In the real world, wearing nothing but bikini briefs and surrounding yourself with children would merit a listing on the national sex offenders registry, but in WWE it gets you a tag title reign. Go Heidenreich! (as in far way).
Anyway, with Nitro out and Mercury hurting, Melina tags herself in, and tries to attack Animal, who simply grabs her and tags Christie who enters for the first time. Animal and Hemme then give Melina the Hart Attack clothesline, which Hemme follows up with a hurricanrana uglier than Sloth, before Animal signals for the Dooms Day Device! From there, Animal hoists Melina on his shoulders, and Hemme comes off with a clothesline. She momentarily botches the pin attempt by trying to pin Melina who was on her stomach, but eventually gets it right and picks up the win. This last awkward exchange actually reminded me of the first time I had sex. Man, yesterday was like the best day ever!
Winners: LOD & Christie Hemme. Not a bad little match here. Hats off to Christie (and pants too) for her enthusiasm. As for Animal, he seems to be growing by the day. The Road Warriors used to always say that they dined on death. Who knew Death was so fucking high in calories?
-Eddie Guerrero enters Batista's locker room. Eddie wishes Batista "good luck" and Batista wishes him good luck as well. Eddie then says "I love you" to which Big Dave responds "I love you more." Ok, this part never happened. But it COULD have. I mean, Eddie did refer to Batista as his "soul mate" the other night on SmackDown. Just puttin' two and two together.
Simon Dean w/ Dean Machine and Simon System Vs. Bobby Lashley with... shrinking head?
Anyway, the gist to this match (besides having no business being on PPV) is that Simon has promised to eat twenty consecutive Cheeseburgers (Meatnormous!) in the event that he loses. Which I'm sure will lead to the eventual HILARIOUS WWE sight-gag of puking and/or shitting. In WWE this is cause for raucous laughter. In real life, it gets you a six month ban from Burger King. (don't ask.).
For the record, despite having the body of Double Dragon's Abobo, Lashley actually possesses a head the size of Beetlejuice in comparison to the rest of his body. No word on if you say his name three times he appears to help you with paranormal problems. (the following joke was last seen in like 1989 when this movie was relevant).
Anyway, this is Lashley's PPV debut...facing a guy who he wrestled in his TV debut, which was like two weeks ago. Wait, why am I paying for this again? Anyway, Lashley dominates completely. I hope you left some room for some squash with those burgers, Simon. WORST CLICHED SEGUE EVER!!!!!!. Anyway, finish sees Lashley catching Simon as he tried to float over out of the corner, only to temporarily drop Simon before picking him up for his finish, the "Lashlight" as it was called in OVW. Wait. What the fuck is a lashlight? I mean of all the things with “Lash” in it that could make sense. backLASH, whipLash, Lash Laroux. Whatever. Anyway, Lashley gets the Lashlight (Think Faarooq's "Dominator") to pick up the win. Abobo smash!
Winner: Bobby Lashley. Loser: Whoever came up with Lashlight. Seriously.
-JBL and Jillian Hall are backstage for an interview. Hey, am I the only one who wants to see a Jillian / Tod Gordon partnership, just so we could collectively call them The Moles? umm, probably. Anyway, Rey interrupts JBL's interview, and gives him a mask, so he can hide his face after Rey beats him tonight. JBL declines, so he offers it to Jillian instead, who sells it with deep hurt. My exes always responded in the same manner when I suggested paper bags. Women are silly. Speaking of which, why doesn't JBL use some of his "millions" to have that fucking thing lanced off her face? I guess the fake cans were the better medical investment for the long term.
(C) Chris Benoit Vs. Christian Vs. Booker T. w/Sharmelle Vs.
Hey, why do they call it a fatal fourway if no one ever dies? That's just false advertising if you ask me. I'm begging for one fatality here just to justify the name. Anyway, for those who don't know, this match is very much like the "triple threat", only there's just an additional dude pretending to be dead on the floor to offense he'd sooner no-sell in a standard one on one match. Hope that clears things up but not really.
Anyway, very fast paced match here, with each man pairing off while the other two did the aforementioned dead man’s sell on the floor. Things soon get interesting however when Benoit and Booker square off. Cole mentions Benoit & Booker’s HISTORIC best of 7 (8 actually) series FOR THE U.S. TITLE, that is SO historic that you’ll only find it in the WWE’s big book of fucking imaginary revisionist history. You see, it was REALLY the TV Title they were battling for an opportunity at. But then again, Michael Cole thinks inanimate steel is a ferocious carnivorous animal, so fuck his opinions.
In any event, Christian and OJ are quickly back in to break up the brief tussle
between the “best friends”. Clearly, my advice of placing a huge strip of Velcro over the aisle-way to keep
Winner and still U.S. Champion: Chris Benoit, who proudly represents The U.S. by spending 95% of his life in Edmonton.
-After the match, Sharmelle breaks Booker’s balls for letting Benoit “steal” the win. Fingers twirl, heads bob and sassiness abounds. Man, if WWE could loop this for a half hour, UPN would probably air this as part of their "delightful" comedy block. Yo go girl.
-Backstage, Bobby Lashley forces Simon Dean to eat the plate of cheeseburgers. Simon is apprehensive because of the extra carbs. Hey, buddy, if 20 consecutive cheeseburgers in one sitting is good enough for the head of WWE creative, it’s good enough for your ass~!
[Editor’s note: Joke no longer applies. Stephanie is no longer fat. She’s lost a ton of weight. ]
[Additional Editor’s Note: HHH found it.]
Hardcore Holly w/ BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS Vs. Mr. Kennedy w/ ……KENNEDY!
I can’t get over how much Holly and Mr. Kennedy (KENNEDY) look like a 'Hair Club for Men' before and after pic. Now for the acid test: Someone get Kennedy (KENNEDY!) in a pool and see what happens.
In any event, this was kind of just “meh” for me. Of course it could be because I can’t get past Holly’s fucking stupid Dr. Seuss-lite nickname “Alabama Slamma!”
“I do not like him here or there. I do not like him anywhere. I FUCKING HATE Alabama Slam. I FUCKING HATE him, Sam, I am.”
In any event, Holly dominates early, with Rookie-killing chops before hitting THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. I’m so gonna get that on a business card sometime. Kennedy (KENNEDY!) regains the advantage by tossing Holly to the floor, where he rams him shoulder first into the steps. From there, Kennedy (KENNEDY!) goes to work on the arm back in the ring. Holly eventually rallies, the two then botch a flapjack attempt, but Holly plugs ahead (“Pluggs” ahead?) and hits the ole Uncle Slam full-nelson slam for two. From there, Holly blocks a Kennedy (KENNEDY!) spin kick attempt, and goes up to the top as you’ll see every Kennedy opponent do from now to the end of time (How else will he get them up there?) just so Kennedy can catch him with the Green Bay Plunge or Lambeau leap or whatever the fuck he’s calling his rolling Samoan drop now (how about the Kennedy Assassination?). Anyway, as you can guess, Kennedy (KENNEDY!) catches Holly, hits his finish, and that’s all she wrote. Mr. Kennedy (KENNEDY!) remains undefeated, and I'm convinced that if John F. had just learned to do a rolling tumble off the top rope, he'd still be alive. Or not.
Winner: Mr. Kennedy…… ( KENN, err, you get the picture.)
-After the match, Holly is selling his ribs, when Sylvan the MODEL comes to the ring and attacks Holly laying him out with his suplex to DDT finish that I’ll call BLUE STEEL~! Can the “Sylvan center for kids who can’t read good” be far behind? God, I hope so.
-Backstage, Sharmelle continues to ream Booker out. I’m convinced that if Sharmelle ever lost the ability to emote her feelings with her hands, she’d explode on the spot like a fucking Femme-bot. From there, Mr. Kennedy butts in, and calls Booker a loser. Only when he’s wrestling in Houston, Ken. To close out the segment, Sharmelle tells Booker that his problem isn’t Benoit or Kennedy...it’s Booker T. Meow.
JBL w/ Jillian Hall w/ not at all unrealistic facial appliance Vs. Rey Mysterio w/o properly functioning reproductive system.
Anyway, before I get to the match, I just noticed that Rey’s pupil’s are all white again after a few weeks of looking normal. Weird. I mean, come on. No pigment in his eyes, Five feet tall, and can’t produce the seed to father his own children? Maybe he should check and see if there’s a nuclear reactor under his fucking house. Just saying.
In any event, these two put on a very good match. I don’t care what anyone says anymore, I like JBL as a worker. And hey, I know that means I may have to return my IWC membership and all the perks that go along with it (Never seeing sunlight, an ever increasing waistline, and sardonic jokes that like only 3 people get), but it’s worth it. Some people like to call JBL the HHH of Smackdown. But I think the only thing they have in common is 'holding people down'. With the only difference being that JBL does it LITERALLY....
Anyway, Mysterio flusters JBL early, playing cat and mouse, and forcing him to chase Mysterio around the ring until JBL gasses out, which of course is ironic considering the food Mysterio eats. Back inside, it’s all Mysterio who goes to work on JBL’s knee. Mysterio then hits a tilt a whirl that sets up JBL for a potential 619, but JBL scoots out of the ring, only to be followed up by Mysterio who catches him from behind (sweet irony!) with a bulldog to the floor. Still on the floor, JBL finally gains the advantage by sending Rey-Rey careening into the steps. Huge super fall-away slam from the second rope by JBL once back inside, followed by a regular one, then one more on the arena floor for good measure. JBL then rolls Mysterio in the ring for a two count. Rey soon regains the advantage with a huge tornado DDT after fighting out of a bear hug, followed by countering a JBL powerbomb attempt into a Hurricanrana. Mysterio then goes up, and hits the same moonsault press that put JBL away last time...but this time, JBL kicks out at two. Mysterio once again takes JBL down with a toe hold, setting up a potential 619, but JBL ducks out and Mysterio spins back in the ring, only to turn around right into the Clothesline from New York City by way of Hell. JBL gets the cover and the win.
Winner: JBL, immigration, and biological fathers everywhere.
-Vignette showing the entire Undertaker/ Orton feud is shown. My suggestion of Orton shitting in one of Undertaker's body bags to gain a psychological advantage obviously fell on deaf ears.
Undertaker Vs. Randy & “Cowboy” Bob Orton: Casket Match.
After the Ortons are in the ring, the "Houston chapter" of Druids wheel the casket out. Just how does one became a druid these days, anyway? I think I’d mark out if I ever saw a job ad for that in the paper……
In any event, we learn that in order for Taker to win, he must put BOTH Ortons in the casket. Poor Randy. I don’t even like going over to my old man’s for dinner, let alone having to spend the rest of fucking eternity with him. Just saying.
Undertaker takes the offense to the Ortons early, but they regain the advantage when Bob low blows
Taker. The Ortons continue to dominate by double teams, with Taker getting brief comebacks, only to be overwhelmed again.
In a cool spot, both Ortons superplex Taker from the top rope, which of course was Bob’s patented finisher during his
wrestling career. Bob goes for a cover but the referee informs him that
Undertaker doesn’t ever lose by pin
that pinfalls don’t count in a casket match. The Ortons then try to end it by double-suplexing
the Deadman into a casket, but Taker double DDT’s them instead. Taker then throws Dad into the casket, and goes to work
on Randy, executing a snake-eyes in the corner. Bob crawls out of the casket, and grabs a fire extinguisher to presumably
use at a later point.
From there, Randy avoids the tombstone, by slipping out the back, and then hits his patented backbreaker. Taker gets dragged out to the floor, but Taker rams Randy into the post. From there, Bob attempts to hit him with the aforementioned fire extinguisher, but Taker sees it coming, nails him, and Bob drops it into the casket. Taker then retrieves a chair and smashes Randy with it, and throws him into the casket. Taker then turns his attention to Bob who ends up getting choked out with Undertaker’s patented “I wish I was really an Ultimate Fighter rather than a fucking zombie” triangle choke of DEATH. Bob, now out, gets rolled into the casket with his boy, but Randy is up before Taker can shut the lid. Randy escapes the casket, but Taker closes the lid on Bob. We are informed by Cole that in essence, Bob Orton is eliminated from this match and if Taker can put Randy in, the match will end; but hey, until Cole takes a course on Biology and realizes that fucking cages aren't animals, I'm not believing a single word he says.
Anyway, back inside the ring, Orton catches Taker with a beautiful dropkick, but makes the stupid mistake of mounting Taker in the corner with punches which of course leads to Taker hitting the last ride. Good one, Randy. What's next, you try and tombstone him? HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED ONE OF THIS GUY'S MATCHES? From there, Taker looks to finish Randy, dragging him over to the casket, but when he opens the lid, Bob is there with the extinguisher and sprays Undertaker in the eyes, creating enough of a distraction that Randy can recover and hit the RKO. Randy then tries to roll Taker in the casket, but before he can get him in, Taker is up with the goozle. Randy then gets the extinguisher and nails Taker with it, and he falls in the casket… but Taker grabs Randy and pulls him in too, and the door shuts. The match however continues because there can’t be a “draw” in a casket match. The door eventually opens and Taker has a hold of Randy, but Randy grabs a chair and quickly KO’s Taker with it, hops out of the casket, and they close the lid to end the match.
Winners: Randy Orton & Cowboy Bob Orton. Fun Fact: Real Funeral directors don't appreciate it when you stuff live people in caskets. Something about "murder" or some such. Weird.
-After the match, The Orton’s lock the casket, and wheel it out to mid-aisle. Randy Orton then retrieves an... ax? umm, obviously there just in case the boys feel like spontaneously breaking into lumberjacking? Anyway, Randy starts to chop holes in it (Good, Undertaker might not be able to breath! Oh wait.) while Cowboy Bob brings out a gasoline canister. Randy then proceeds to pour the gas on the casket and lights it on fire! Orton then pulls off a rubber mask to reveal Kane, and we learn we’ve all been transported back to 1998 when this gimmick was original! Bah. Seriously. We’ve seen Undertaker crushed, burned, buried and maimed for 15 years straight and the sumbitch is always back 4 weeks later or sooner. Clearly the man cannot be destroyed. Let’s call it a day, huh, guys?
-The production team quickly puts out the fire, as Cole and Tazz put on their “BY GAWD, THERE’S A HUMAN BEING IN THERE” voices. Oh, by the way, isn’t anyone going to call the police? Oh ya, that’s right, it’s only homicide. Cops are only called when someone is suspended and shows up to the arena against orders….
Juventud w/ Mexicools but w/o “Guerrera” Vs. (C)Nunzio w/ Big Vito: Completely forgotten Cruiserweight Title match;
I still find it funny that Juvi’s compadres have handles promoting their various mental states, while Juvi gets off scot-free despite once getting fried on Ecstasy, taking off all his clothes, and attacking a gaggle of police officers in Australia. The least he could do is call himself "Completely Fucked up" to fit the other two's theme of insanity based monikers.
Classic ECW respect spot beginning, but unfortunately the crowd is dead quiet. This tends to happen immediately after someone is set on fire and savagely murdered. Both men go back and forth, until Juvi peels off a Shining Wizard. For the record, though, what the fuck is a Shining Wizard? Sometimes I think the Japanese are just fucking with us and all laugh when we actually say these moves aloud.
Cole: "Juvi with the Flying Calypso Hurricane Space Tiger Driver 2000!!!!!"
Anyway, Nunzio soon rallies, but this ends when he misses the Sicilian Slice (second rope fame asser). Big Vito then tries to interfere by grabbing Juvi’s legs, but Juventud craftily countered that by spinning Vito into a headscissors that then causes him to spill into the aisle. Juvi back in now, up to the top with a crossbody for two. Both men now up, and Juvi segues a Northern Lights suplex attempt into a particularly stiff “Juvi-Driver” to pick up the win, and the title! Ecstasy for Everybody!
Winner and NEW Cruiserweight Champion: Juventud, who no doubt will now celebrate by hitting the raves with the other 15 year olds.
-After the match Juventud is interviewed by Hugo Savinovich in Spanish. Hugo thanks him for not crashing through his table and allowing him to actually complete an entire PPV without everything fucking exploding around him. Juvi then tells him that the Main-Event is next, and that’s when it’ll happen. Hugo then slaps his forehead like Bumblebee man. "Ay, ay, ay, no me gusta!" …Ok, chances are that last part MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED. But Spanish is like an 8th language to me, so don’t doubt my sweet, sweet translating prowess.
- Backstage, Simon Dean apparently finishes the hamburgers, but Lashley informs him he’s only eaten 19. Simon Dean then violently throws up. And a better commercial for McDonalds I can’t think of. Buh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, I’m lovin’ it.
Main Event: (C) Batista Vs. Eddie Guerrero for The World Heavyweight Title.
Clearly, the build up to Batista and Eddie Guerrero has been one of the BEST EVER. I mean the HIJINX! Imagine how much better Gotch and Hackenschmidt could have been in the early 20th century, had The Russian Lion secretly injected Gotch with say… dysentery?! HILARIOUS! And hey, just how much more epic could Andre and Hogan been had The Hulkster just taken a page out of Batista’s book, and gotten a homosexual doctor to gleefully give the 8th Wonder of the World a questionable prostate exam? Slamming Andre would have been just a drop in the bucket after causing him irreparable pain and humiliation to his cavernous asshole! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME.
Seriously though, as much as I LOVE world title matches being built around dude’s stealing each other’s fucking chimichangas, this has to be up there as one of the WORST builds to a World Title match EVER. Couldn’t Eddie & Batista just wrestle?
Anyway, this one is under way, and Cole begs the question: Will we see the "real" Eddie Guerrero tonight? Apparently in addition to wasting millions of dollars producing shit like The Marine and See No Evil, WWE has invested in a complicated cloning program! Oh wait, he meant, never mind....
In any event, the story to this match is whether or not Eddie can resist the urge to cheat. Both men exchange rudimentary offense early, with Batista grinding Eddie down with a headlock, which Guerrero escapes, only to try and take DAVE down with a shoulderblock, from which the big man doesn’t even budge. Eddie now frustrated, grabs a chair, but puts it down after having second thoughts. However, DAVE gets all pissed for Eddie even contemplating it. “Sure, I paid a guy to anally violate you under the guise that it was just going to be a hot nurse giving you an erotic massage.... but this is taking things too far, Eddie!!!!”
From there, Batista grabs Eddie by the throat on the apron, but Eddie slingshots Dave’s head across the top rope, and goes up the top, where he squashes DAVE with a frogsplash to the back (Batista was laying prone on his stomach). Eddie then tries to wear DAVE down with a body scissors, but Batista ultimately powers out, only to be dropped by a perfectly executed dropkick by Eddie. From there, Eddie looks to untie the tag rope, to presumably choke out Batista with, but once again, his conscience gets the best of him. Batista then gets up, and Irish whips Eddie for a back body drop, but Eddie is there with a kick to the face while DAVE had his head lowered. Batista then angrily charges Eddie, only to be dropped with a pretty sweet drop-toe-hold that comes out of nowhere. Follow-up Texas Cloverleaf attempt by Eddie is then actually countered by Batista into a small package for a near fall.
Both men up now, and Batista accidentally tackles the referee for OBLIGATORY MAIN-EVENT REF BUMP. Eddie quickly DDT’s Batista from there, and goes out for the chair, bringing it into the ring, but once again, he ultimately decides not to. Batista then sees the chair, but Eddie insists he wouldn’t have used it, but Batista doesn’t care and mows down Eddie with some clotheslines and the big shoulder thrusts in the corner. He signals for the demon bomb, but Eddie squirms free, only to eat a spinebuster seconds later which only gets two. Eddie blocks an elbow and hits the Three Amigos. Steve Martin! Martin Short! Chevy Chase! And goes up for the frogsplash, but DAVE rolls clear, so Eddie does his patented aborted frog-splash pre-emptive roll, shoots up to his feet and charges Batista who then catches him quickly with a spinebuster to pick up the win and retain the title.
Winner and still Champion: Batista. Heh. Eddie has it in him to ruin Rey Mysterio's family by revealing that his semen really father Dominic, before eventually trying to steal the child altogether, but sharing some Mexican take-out with Batista on Smackdown has warmed the cockles of his heart? Something's wrong with this picture.
-After the match, Eddie extends his hand... and they awkwardly shake. THE MADNESS MEETS THE MANIA!!!! Err not.
Final Thoughts: Clearly, this PPV had something for the whole family! You know, violent puking, blatant murder and main events built around shitting yourself. Who could ask for more?! Seriously though, I enjoyed the show for what it was, but nothing was really blow away. It basically just felt like a good episode of SmackDown (which I think may be an oxymoron, but whatever). In any event, to me, this is the problem with the Brand Extension. We see matches that have NO BUSINESS being on pay-per-view like Lashley Vs. Dean (since we already SAW it for FREE once) and other matches that have to be spread over a series of PPVs because the Main-event scene is shallow. Still, all things considered, Thumbs up.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).