Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



Hey there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm your venerable party host Sean Carless, and welcome to my favorite completely inconsequential October Pay-per-view: No Mercy! The event that shows absolutely no mercy to your finances. And why should they? Clearly, you'd much rather watch the epic collision that will be Vince feeling up his own daughter tonight, instead of paying your bills and feeding your families. After all, you can always go out and find NEW families ANY TIME. When are you going to get a chance to watch Brock Lesnar wrestle The Undertaker again? Wait. Bad example.
Tonight's show comes to us LIVE from Baltimore, Maryland! The city that reared (no pun intended) Stacy Keibler, and home of the Baltimore Ravens, for whom I was sad to find out have absolutely nothing to do with Scott Levy. Too bad, too. I for one would love to watch a football game where all the players DDT'd each other, then sat depressingly around the goal posts. But hey, maybe that's just me. Of course, I'm the same guy who wanted Hulk Hogan to buy a football team just so he could call it the Venice Orangeskins, so don't listen to me.
Onto the show~!
Show opens with a Stephanie/Vince montage filled with the voices of bewildered children. Apparently they replaced video producer Dave Sahadi with Michael Jackson. Who knew. Anyway, as good as these montages are, I still miss the voice of Classy Freddie Blassie. Quick! Someone find me the fucking Necronomicon, so I can get my Freddie fix.
(C)Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Match.
Before the match, the Referee checks Tajiri's mouth for "mist". If only WWF had done the same with Patterson and Garvin in the 80's, they could have saved themselves A LOT of legal woes. Just saying. Anyway, with this "mist" in mind, Tajiri has of course recently turned Heel, and as a result has been blowing mist on everyone that crosses his path, including Nidia last week, who took it in the face, in lieu of her beau Jamie Noble, who obviously must have been already somewhat blind anyway to choose Nidia as a girlfriend. Just saying.
Anyway, Rey takes this match somewhat cautiously, obviously wary of possible mist, because, let's face it, the last thing this guy needs is to end with fucked up eyes. Hey wait. But seriously, what's the deal with Rey's eyes, anyway? Apparently since joining WWE, he moved the Fam from the 619, to the fucking test grounds from The Hills have Eyes. This may also be the reason he's four feet tall. I don't know. Anyway, Rey eventually gets the move of the night when he leap frogs Tajiri, landing perfectly balanced on the top turnbuckle, then delivers a standing moonsault. Rey eventually hits the West Coast Pop from there, and looks to have the championship won, when TWO FANS CLEARLY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE BUSINESS IN ANY FORM OR FASHION hit the ring and break up the count. It's funny how the ONLY "fans" who ever make it to the ring without being tackled and killed are all at least 200 pounds and in really good shape. In fact, if they weren't so preoccupied with interrupting random wrestling shows all the time, I seriously think they'd actually have a helluva shot at becoming wrestlers themselves one day~! That's right.
With that said, this gives Tajiri the distraction he needs to sneak in with a buzzsaw kick to Rey to retain the title. Good for him. He certainly has better luck with his buzzsaw kick than I do. Of course, no one ever bothered to tell me I wasn't supposed to actually use it on buzzsaws. That's right. And don't even ask me about my corkscrew elbow. I still can't open a bottle of wine without having nightmares.
Winner & STILL Champion: Tajiri. Apparently the guys who interfered are Ryan Sakoda and Jimmy Yang, and they'll soon join Tajiri in a "Yakuza" gimmick. Dear Lord. I guess no one ever bothered telling WWE how bad of an idea that is. Poor Tajiri. At least though, when the real Yakuza put cement over-shoes on Tajiri and drop him into the Pacific Ocean, there's a good chance his baggy pants will act as a giant air-pocket and elevate him to safety. It's his only hope. Clearly.
-Backstage, journalistic virtuoso Josh Matthews catches up with Vince McMahon. Vince declares that anyone who interferes in his Loser Quits WWE match with Stephanie tonight will not only be fired, but will never be allowed back. Although, if Vince lost as a result of the interference, who'd uphold that rule? Come on. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little continuity and believability in my sport filled with dudes falling into flaming dumpsters then being decapitated with speeding limos, only to return seven days later no worse for wear. Wait. Never mind.
Chris Benoit Vs. A-Train: Match number 10,000 in a Best of "Please End my Fucking Misery" Series.
Dear Lord, how many times has poor Benoit had to wrestle the world's ugliest mohair sweater? This whole feud reminds me of the movie Groundhog Day. Benoit clearly needs to clean up his act if he's ever going to see February 3rd. But with that in mind, I'm not opposed to Benoit taking a page from that movie and tossing a toaster into A-Train's bath tub. It's definitely worth a shot. And hey, worst case scenario, the electrical current might actually burn all that body hair off, and do everyone a huge fucking favor.
Anyway, this match exceeded my expectations as the always-amazing Benoit should change his name to Jesus tonight because he got a miracle out of the A-Train. Basically Benoit is face in peril here as an angry Albert unloads on him  for most of the match. Obviously, Benoit ignored my advice of putting a giant blob of hot wax in the corner. I guarantee you that'd have ended your woes, Chris. 
One scary spot had Train try to press Benoit overhead, but Chris slipped from Albert's grasp and crashed very awkwardly to the mat head and shoulder first, almost rejoining "D-Generated Necks" in the process.  End comes when A-Train, who had propped a steel chair in the corner, tries to boot Benoit, but he ducks and Train kicks through the chair, allowing Benoit to scoop the legs and snare a sharpshooter for the tap out, as a tribute to his trainer the late (but let's face it, he's never going to arrive) Stu Hart, for the emotional victory.
Winner: Chris Benoit;  the man who was the figurative Lady Remington to A-Train's thatch of unruly pubes.
-Backstage, Matt Hardy walks in and sees Shannon Moore being choked by Jon Heidenreich. I immediately assume there was some sort of Crying Game mix-up, since Shannon has less testosterone in his body then the entire Oprah Winfrey studio audience. Turns out though, Heidenreich found out from "Little Johnny" that Matt threw his tryout tape in the garbage on Smackdown the other night. Huh. I've seen Heidenreich's "work" in OVW. Clearly Matt has all of our best interests in mind. Trust me.
Matt Hardy Version 1 vs. Zach Gowen Version 0.5;
Why does Zach wear his Leg to the ring then throw it off? What's the point? Part of me would mark out if he began giving out custom legs to ringside fans ala Bret Hart's sunglasses. But hey, I'm also the same guy who thought Zach should leave his leg lying loose on the ropes, just in case he gets put in submission holds, so that way he can always get a clean break. So umm, ya, don't listen to me.
Matt dominates early on, until the tide turns when Matt misses a moonsault. Zach then goes on offense, hitting a huge flip to the floor on Matt, and back inside, a big top rope splash. This gets a really close two. Soon after, he walks into a side-effect from Matt. It's probably at this point if this was a RAW match, JR would utter the line about a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest. And speaking of which, where are all these fucking contests with amputees awkwardly kicking each other in the ass, that JR is always talking about? Maybe the prize for them is a government mule you can in turn violently physically abuse? Who knows. Only JR has the answers to these questions, and he ain't talking. And if he is, he ain't making any fucking sense, that's for sure. Anyway, Matt puts Zach on the top rope, looking a belly to back suplex, but Zach elbows out, and Matt hits the umm, mat, allowing Zach to hit a moonsault for the clean win! Right on. Now maybe he can go to RAW and feud with Ric Flair. I've always had a perverse curiosity as to how Ric would try to finish Zach.
Winner: 2/3rds of Zach Gowen! Onward and upward to the Royal Rumble! He's a (one) shoe in! He can't be eliminated. It's fool proof. 
-Backstage, Vince is confronted by the Linda McMahon robot. She begs Vince to reconsider the match as it's something no one wants to see. Heh. Who knew Linda was a member of the IWC?  Anyway, Vince compromises by saying Steph can now win by "pinfall", and only he has to make her quit. He then makes the match No Holds Barred. Oh, man, No Holds Barred? He's gonna make her give up by sitting through a shitty Hulk Hogan movie! Who wouldn't immediately surrender if that was the alternative! Oh..he meant. Umm, never mind.
Homolition (The Bashams) vs. A.P.A.
Here Comes The Ass! Here Comes a Dildo. The Homolition! Walking ...completely bow-legged?. Dear Lord. I've of course nicknamed the Basham brothers "Homolition", because they've recently taken it upon themselves to wear full S&M gear to the ring, including leather masks, complete with a ball gag. Oh my. That's a little disturbing for "brothers". I don't know about you, but I limit the time I spend with my brother to maybe taking in a movie together. I don't stand chained to a pipe with him while someone violates our cornholes with a fucking cat o'ninetails. Just saying.
Anyway, this match was made on HEAT, which ironically enough is the last thing this match had. In fact, between the action, all four men paused, watched a wild west tumble weed slowly blow past, then immediately started wrestling again. True story.
APA dominate (HIYO) this one for much of the match, with Bradshaw eventually getting the hot tag and cleaning house. Powerbomb to Danny. Followed soon after by the a "Last Call" fall away slam. He then gives Doug one off the second rope, after Doug climbed the ropes and Bradshaw countered the effort. He makes the cover, but Danny makes the save. The ref then gets bumped, and in the ensuing chaos, The Basham's Dominatrix Shaniqua (Maniqua?) runs in, and caves in Bradshaw's head with a club. Remind me to never use her dominatrix services. I thought the most you'd have to go through was maybe some hot wax to the balls. Good luck getting any referrals now, Shaniqua. Anyhoo, The Bashams get the win.
Winner: The Basham Brothers. But hey, you have to wonder why they'd even have an issue with Bradshaw in the first place. If they love being sexually abused so much, you'd think they'd embrace him!*
[Sean's note from 2007: *They did join him in 2004 as his "Chiefs of Security". And why not? If you can take a woman grinding her high heels into your fucking nuts and come back for more, what's a potential bullet? Clearly, JBL made the right choice!].
-Backstage, Shaniqua and The Basham's cut an interview where Shaniqua comments on her obvious new breast implants (if having breasts is the only criteria for being considered a woman, I should probably start calling my Grandfather "Grandma") stating that Bradshaw's "clothesline from Hell" caused "swelling" in her chest that may be permanent. Man, a clothesline can cause a woman to get bigger tits? Holy shit. Excuse while I climb my roof and fold my girlfriend with the patented Road Warrior Hawk version. If all goes well, she'll have Double D's when I'm finished! ...and if not? Well, someone be a peach, and bail me out, okay?
-Stephanie vs. Vince video package. Vince apparently used to "loan Stephanie out to potential business partners" according to her sit down interview. Man. No wonder WWE's doing so badly these days! Talk about a Deal breaker! Haha. Hey, fuck you, I have to get my Steph jokes in while I can.
Vince McMahon w/ Sable w/ botox Vs. "Stone Cold" Stephanie McMahon w/ Linda McMahon w/ complicated computerized endoskeleton. 
In case you haven't been watching WWE TV lately, this whole feud came about because Vince McMahon wanted to get rid of Stephanie as GM... but she wouldn't quit. So of course he devised a complicated plan over the last 5 weeks to break her spirit. Hey, here's an idea: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING FIRE HER? Holy shit, Vince is worse than a fucking Bond villain. Somehow, I don't think most bosses force you to engage them in fucking mortal combat when they want your ass out on the street. Call me crazy.
Anyway, the build to this has been especially painful to watch, as its monopolized 75% of WWE TV, while somehow trying to convince us that the spoiled Stephanie McMahon character is worth getting behind. (and not in the way I'd like to). Having to choose between supporting Steph or Vince is the equivalent of being asked if you'd rather be impaled or set on fire.
As for the match, my joking aside, this one was very smartly booked, thanks in part to the superb storytelling of Vince, who as a heel got the emotion over huge with the crowd. Vince dominates much of the match, manhandling Steph to the disgust of everyone, and Linda...I think. It's kind of hard to tell if she, like DATA before her, has finally assimilated human emotions into her mainframe. The tide eventually turns when Stephanie gets her hands on a steel pipe brought into the ring by Sable for Vince to use on her. SWEET IRONY. And not just because said pipe is in fact, umm, irony? That's right. Steph goes on offense from there, laying into Daddy with the pipe. Ya! She's all grown up now, so listen and learn, a True Star and she's finally gettin her turn! *AHEM*. Stephanie then covers for a close 2 count after Vince gets his foot on the rope, and while this happening, Linda sets her program to all 3 Prime Directives!: "Serve the public trust!"  "Protect the innocent!"  and "Uphold the law!" as she attacks Sable! Clearly, Vince should have built in that classified fourth Robocop directive. He's probably kicking himself right now. Anyway, Steph ends up hitting a big bulldog (Not Lucy) on Vince whilst also taking out Sable again for another two count. She then grabs the pipe and charges Vince, but he avoids the blow, and retrieves the pipe, nailing Steph in the stomach, then applying a choke hold with said pipe. Steph begins to fade but refuses to quit, so Linda, after obviously oiling her arm tin-man-style, grabs a towel and hurls it into the ring to signal a submission. Heh. I guess this means a now insane Stephanie will return in ten years and start putting everyone in a chicken-wing. You know, before eating the chickenwing...cause she's so hungry. Haha. One fat joke for the road.
Winner: Vincent Kennedy McMahon and Fathers everywhere. Well, that's it for Stephanie. She's off to get married to HHH next week. Part of me has to wonder what the groom to be thought about Vince giving his future bride the Prom night hands here. But hey, in Vince's defense, he did PAY for those cans, so he's just taking a consumer's interest. After all, no one freaks out when you test the tomatoes in the supermarket. Vince is a smart shopper, that's all....
-After the match, Vince celebrates by pie-facing Linda, and then starts to make out with Sable. However, due to her head being frozen in a perpetual botox state, Sable's not able to open her mouth more than 1/1000th of an inch, and her face completely shatters as a result. Ok, maybe not. Vince then leaves, and Stephanie looks on at Mom upset that she threw in the towel. All I know is, if you go by the booking here tonight, Stephanie > A-Train, who actually submitted to a non-steel pipe induced finisher, while SHE REFUSED TO QUIT, BY GAWD. Clearly, she needs to shave her head and grow a goatee. Stephanie 3:16 ftw.
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle;
I don't know who had more of a following here, Kurt Angle or the Doctor of Thuganomics. And speaking of that, where the fuck does one go to get a doctorate in Thuganomics anyway? I'd imagine it'd be the same place you'd get your feet educated ala Rob Van Dam or X-Pac. I'd also imagine The Dean's name there is Douglas, the institution itself is called the school of hard knocks, Undertaker teaches a course in history (culminating in him dragging you by the wrist to the chalkboard, then leaping from his desk onto your back), and finally, all the new enrollee's are personally taken there by Ric Flair... if JR is indeed to be believed. I mean, clearly it's obvious. Almost as obvious as the amount of alcohol I had to consume to write the preceding stupidity. Almost.
Anyway, this match was easily the best one of the night so far. Angle dominates the onset, but things soon go awry for him after an Irish whip (Never go to Ireland. People will just randomly throw you in the opposite direction!) gets reversed and Angle eats the post. Cena dominates from there, eventually taking Angle down with a brutal DDT on the ring apron. Both men, then end up hitting their finishes respectively  (F-U and Angle-slam) but neither finish. Cena eventually looks to cheat, and grabs his chain, as the crowd is actually cheering him on, but the ref sees it coming and confiscates it. But you see, it's all a RUSE, as while the referee is discarding the chain, Cena uses Angle's own Gold medals and wraps them around his fist and clocks Kurt. However, this only gets a two count, because as I've mentioned before, Kurt Angle is invincible, and like Linda, also a cybernetic organism. Clearly, Cena's only alternative is to crush him in a machine press or slowly dunk him into molten steel. They keep enough weird shit under the ring as it is, so who knows, it might be there. With that said, finish sees Angle countering a Cena attempted victory roll into the ankle-lock, and he seals the deal with a heel hook as Cena taps out.
Winner: Kurt Angle; my 2nd favorite increasingly-shrinking bald-headed hero. The first of course is my penis.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Big Show; U.S. Title
This whole rivalry of course started when Big Show informed Eddie & Chavo that he and I quote "didn't like their kind." Man. Who knew it today's day and age there's still prejudice against talented wrestlers. Oh, he meant. Never mind. From there, HIJINX abounded as Eddie fed Big Show a plate of compromised Taco's that caused The Giant to unload his cavernous asshole and paint the bowl. From there, Eddie got the upper-hand again, when he borrowed his cousin Chewy's sewage truck (his other cousin Han Solo is a plumber I heard) and grabbed the shit hose (coincidentally, Patterson's nickname for his penis) and sprayed it all over Big Show.  I love how each time a truck rolls out on WWE TV it possesses an increasingly more vile liquid. Thank God Eddie didn't decide to take a slug off it like Austin did the beer hose. Anyway, to finally get even for all this shit, umm, literally, Big Show chokeslammed Eddie atop his low-rider, breaking the glass into his back. Oh, no. Now his back is going to have unsightly red blemishes on it! [/sarcasm].
All kidding aside, I love Eddie, and he did the best he could as he was basically working a with a sack of wet towels here. The crowd seemed really burned out from the previous two matches, and sadly this one didn't get that much of a reaction. Although, it could be that Big Show worked the match at such a slow pace, I believe he was able to move backwards through time. I guess we'll know what effect it had on human history tomorrow. Anyway, Eddie cleverly cheats throughout, but the whole "Show's Big and Guerrero's not" thing comes into play here as Show kicks out of a lot of potential finishes, even after Eddie used brass knux, the title belt, and even hit a frog splash! Man. Anyway, Eddie walks into a chokeslam from there, but gets his foot on the ropes at two. He then gets a low-blow on Show to buy time, but seconds later, walks right into a 2nd chokeslam, and this time Show gets the pin. Huh?
Winner and NEW United States Champion: Big Show. Well, that doesn't make a lot of sense. Curtail the push of the red-hot Eddie Guerrero for Big Show, who's only reason for wanting the belt in the first place is probably because he thinks there's chocolate under the foil? I guess Vince couldn't directly shoot us with the shit-hose, so he did the 2nd best thing...put over Big Show....
The Undertaker Vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE Title  "Biker Chain match";
The rules for this one are of course the chain is suspended above the ring and the first man to retrieve it gets to use it. Somehow, I don't see real-life Bikers all scrambling up a fucking pole to get a weapon in a gang-war. Call me crazy. Also call me crazy for not knowing just why the fuck they'd book THIS particular match here. I mean, you remember all those great WWE Biker chain matches of the past, right? Wait. What do you mean there were never any? Well, you remember how much significance a chain played in this Undertaker/Lesnar rivalry then, right? What do you mean there was never a chain EVER used in any capacity, umm, ever? Man. Ok, try this on for size. It makes sense because Undertaker has ALWAYS been associated with and has always brought a chain to the ring. What do you mean he never has before? Not ever?  Then what's the point of this match?.....*head explodes*. Dear God. Something makes me think Vince just spun the old "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal" wheel backstage. Somewhere Sting feels these guys pain. While Jake Roberts feels nothing because he's dead inside. It'd be funnier if it wasn't true.....
Anyway, not since the umm, *classic*  Big Bossman/Nailz "nightstick" match has there been a bout that featured so little use of the weapon in question. Slow deliberate match that saw  Undertaker mostly dominate. In a really cool spot, Undertaker piledrived Lesnar on the ring steps, then hung him in a triangle choke in the ropes. After he releases it, Lesnar hits a low-blow and both men crawl for the corner. Lesnar tries to get to the chain, by climbing over Taker, but he should know better than thinking you can GO OVER THE UNDERTAKER. Wishful thinking, motherfucker. Ahem. Taker simply grabs a hold of Lesnar and looks for the last-ride, but Lesnar wriggles free, and the two take each other out with a double-clothesline. Once back on their feet, Undertaker regains the momentum, hitting the avalanching clotheslines in the corner, a Snake Eyes, then a big boot, as I picture Kevin Nash crying "Go ahead. Take everything I got", before being thrown off the set of the Punisher. Ah, no worries Kev. You can panic when Taker starts wearing a singlet with black leather pants. Oh.
From there, Taker applies another Triangle choke, however, the freakishly strong Lesnar countered out of by deadlifting (HIYO) Taker up and slamming him into a powerbomb. Awesome move. Taker then attempts his dragon sleeper, ridiculously named "Taker care of business". Dear God. Good thing he's not in porn. I can just see the "Taker up the ass" now. Anyway, Lesnar somehow counters that into an F-5, but Taker gets his foot on the rope. Both men fight up, and Taker looks to have things in hand, and begins climbing for the chain when The F.B.I. return from ...the Witness Relocation Program? ....or worse yet, another place you're exiled to where you're forced to lose your identity completely: VELOCITY;  however, it's all for naught as they all eat some token Deadman offense. From there, Vince finally comes down and gets involved. As Taker grabs the chain, Vinnie Mac sneaks up from behind and pushes him from the top, crotching him on the ropes. This allows Lesnar to retrieve the chain and clock Big Evil for the anticlimactic win. There goes the pain.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Vince McMahon! err, I mean, Brock Lesnar! But hey, it might as well be Vince. With the way his aged mug's been all over this show, and then with how he single-handedly beat Undertaker tonight,  you'd think he owned the place or something...
End show~!
FINAL THOUGHTS: With the exception of The Bashams vs. A.P.A., which was the equivalent of watching someone's life you despise flashing before your eyes, this one once again exceeded my expectations. It's kind of like going on a date with an ugly woman and finding out she gives great head.... not something you particularly looked forward to, but ends on a positive note. The booking however was a little strange. Cena jobbing to an already established Kurt Angle, and especially Show beating Eddie made about as much sense as doubling up with Christopher Reeve in a potato sack race. Weird, weird shit. But hey, at least I can say we've heard the last of the ultra high frequency tones of Stephanie McMahon for a while. That was worth her not quitting to a move that'd kill anyone else on earth, while near 400 pound dudes tapped out instantly to much lesser non-lethal finishes. Worth it, indeed. Thumbs up.
I'm Sean.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).