WWE NO MERCY 2003
Hey there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm your
venerable party host Sean Carless, and welcome to my
favorite completely inconsequential October
Pay-per-view: No Mercy! The event that shows
absolutely no mercy to your finances. And why should
they? Clearly, you'd much rather watch the
epic collision that will be Vince feeling up his own
daughter tonight, instead of paying your bills and
feeding your families. After all, you can always go
out and find NEW families ANY TIME. When are you
going to get a chance to watch Brock Lesnar wrestle
The Undertaker again? Wait. Bad example.
Tonight's show comes to us LIVE from
Baltimore, Maryland! The city that reared (no pun
intended) Stacy Keibler, and home of the Baltimore
Ravens, for whom I was sad to find out have
absolutely nothing to do with Scott Levy. Too bad,
too. I for one would love to watch a football game
where all the players DDT'd each other, then sat
depressingly around the goal posts. But hey, maybe
that's just me. Of course, I'm the same guy who
wanted Hulk Hogan to buy a football team just so he
could call it the Venice Orangeskins, so don't
listen to me.
Onto the show~!
Show opens with a Stephanie/Vince
montage filled with the voices
of bewildered children. Apparently they
replaced video producer Dave Sahadi with Michael
Jackson. Who knew. Anyway, as good as these montages
are, I still miss the voice of Classy Freddie
Blassie. Quick! Someone find me the
fucking Necronomicon, so I can get my Freddie fix.
Rey Mysterio: CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Match.
Before the match, the Referee checks
Tajiri's mouth for "mist". If only WWF had done the
same with Patterson and Garvin in the 80's, they
could have saved themselves A LOT of legal woes.
Just saying. Anyway, with this "mist" in mind,
Tajiri has of course recently turned Heel, and as a
result has been blowing mist on everyone that
crosses his path, including Nidia last week, who
took it in the face, in lieu of her beau Jamie
Noble, who obviously must have been already
somewhat blind anyway to choose Nidia as a
girlfriend. Just saying.
Anyway, Rey takes this match
somewhat cautiously, obviously wary of possible
mist, because, let's face it, the last thing this
guy needs is to end with fucked up eyes. Hey wait.
But seriously, what's the deal with Rey's eyes,
anyway? Apparently since joining WWE, he moved the
Fam from the 619, to the fucking test grounds from
The Hills have Eyes. This may also be the reason
he's four feet tall. I don't know. Anyway, Rey
eventually gets the move of the night when he leap
frogs Tajiri, landing perfectly balanced on the top
turnbuckle, then delivers a standing moonsault. Rey
eventually hits the West Coast Pop from there, and
looks to have the championship won, when TWO FANS
CLEARLY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH THE BUSINESS IN ANY FORM
OR FASHION hit the ring and break up the count. It's
funny how the ONLY "fans" who ever make it to the
ring without being tackled and killed are all at
least 200 pounds and in really good shape. In
fact, if they weren't so preoccupied with
interrupting random wrestling shows all the time, I
seriously think they'd actually have a helluva shot
at becoming wrestlers themselves one day~! That's
With that said, this gives Tajiri
the distraction he needs to sneak in with a buzzsaw
kick to Rey to retain the title. Good for him. He
certainly has better luck with his buzzsaw kick than
I do. Of course, no one ever bothered to tell me I
wasn't supposed to actually use it on buzzsaws.
That's right. And don't even ask me about my
corkscrew elbow. I still can't open a bottle of wine
without having nightmares.
Winner & STILL Champion: Tajiri.
Apparently the guys who interfered are Ryan Sakoda
and Jimmy Yang, and they'll soon join Tajiri in a
"Yakuza" gimmick. Dear Lord. I guess no one ever
bothered telling WWE how bad of an idea that is.
Poor Tajiri. At least though, when the real
Yakuza put cement over-shoes on Tajiri and drop him
into the Pacific Ocean, there's a good chance his
baggy pants will act as a giant air-pocket and
elevate him to safety. It's his only hope. Clearly.
virtuoso Josh Matthews catches up with Vince
McMahon. Vince declares that anyone who interferes
in his Loser Quits WWE match with Stephanie tonight
will not only be fired, but will never be allowed
back. Although, if Vince lost as a result of the
interference, who'd uphold that rule? Come on. I
don't think it's too much to ask for a little
continuity and believability in my sport filled with
dudes falling into flaming dumpsters then being
decapitated with speeding limos, only to return
seven days later no worse for wear. Wait. Never
Chris Benoit Vs. A-Train: Match
number 10,000 in a Best of "Please End my Fucking
Dear Lord, how many times has
poor Benoit had to wrestle the world's ugliest
mohair sweater? This whole feud reminds me of the
movie Groundhog Day. Benoit clearly needs to clean
up his act if he's ever going to see February 3rd.
But with that in mind, I'm not opposed to Benoit
taking a page from that movie and tossing a toaster
into A-Train's bath tub. It's definitely worth a
shot. And hey, worst case scenario, the electrical
current might actually burn all that body hair off,
and do everyone a huge fucking favor.
Anyway, this match exceeded my
expectations as the always-amazing Benoit should
change his name to Jesus tonight because he got a
miracle out of the A-Train. Basically Benoit is face
in peril here as an angry Albert unloads on him
for most of the match. Obviously, Benoit ignored my
advice of putting a giant blob of hot wax in the
corner. I guarantee you that'd have ended your woes,
One scary spot had Train try to
press Benoit overhead, but Chris slipped from
Albert's grasp and crashed very awkwardly to the mat
head and shoulder first, almost rejoining
"D-Generated Necks" in the process. End comes
when A-Train, who had propped a steel chair in the
corner, tries to boot Benoit, but he ducks and Train
kicks through the chair, allowing Benoit to scoop
the legs and snare a sharpshooter for the tap out,
as a tribute to his trainer the late (but let's face
it, he's never going to arrive) Stu Hart, for the
Winner: Chris Benoit; the man who
was the figurative Lady Remington to A-Train's
thatch of unruly pubes.
-Backstage, Matt Hardy walks in and
sees Shannon Moore being choked by Jon Heidenreich.
I immediately assume there was some sort of Crying
Game mix-up, since Shannon has less testosterone in
his body then the entire Oprah Winfrey studio
audience. Turns out though, Heidenreich found out
from "Little Johnny" that Matt threw his tryout tape
in the garbage on Smackdown the other night. Huh.
I've seen Heidenreich's "work" in OVW. Clearly Matt
has all of our best interests in mind. Trust me.
Matt Hardy Version 1 vs. Zach Gowen Version 0.5;
Why does Zach wear his Leg to the
ring then throw it off? What's the point? Part of me
would mark out if he began giving out custom legs to
ringside fans ala Bret Hart's sunglasses. But hey,
I'm also the same guy who thought Zach should leave
his leg lying loose on the ropes, just in case he
gets put in submission holds, so that way he can
always get a clean break. So umm, ya, don't listen
Matt dominates early on, until the
tide turns when Matt misses a moonsault. Zach then
goes on offense, hitting a huge flip to the floor on
Matt, and back inside, a big top rope splash. This
gets a really close two. Soon after, he walks into a
side-effect from Matt. It's probably at this point
if this was a RAW match, JR would utter the line
about a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
And speaking of which, where are all these fucking
contests with amputees awkwardly kicking each other
in the ass, that JR is always talking about? Maybe
the prize for them is a government mule you can in
turn violently physically abuse? Who knows. Only
JR has the answers to these questions, and he ain't
talking. And if he is, he ain't making any fucking
sense, that's for sure. Anyway, Matt puts Zach on
the top rope, looking a belly to back suplex, but
Zach elbows out, and Matt hits the umm, mat,
allowing Zach to hit a moonsault for the clean win!
Right on. Now maybe he can go to RAW and feud with
Ric Flair. I've always had a perverse curiosity as
to how Ric would try to finish Zach.
Winner: 2/3rds of Zach Gowen! Onward
and upward to the Royal Rumble! He's a (one) shoe
in! He can't be eliminated. It's fool proof.
-Backstage, Vince is confronted by
the Linda McMahon robot. She begs Vince to
reconsider the match as it's something no one wants
to see. Heh. Who knew Linda was a member of the IWC?
Anyway, Vince compromises by saying Steph can now
win by "pinfall", and only he has to make her
quit. He then makes the match No Holds Barred. Oh,
man, No Holds Barred? He's gonna make her give up by
sitting through a shitty Hulk Hogan movie! Who
wouldn't immediately surrender if that was the
alternative! Oh..he meant. Umm, never mind.
Bashams) vs. A.P.A.
Here Comes The Ass! Here Comes a
Dildo. The Homolition! Walking ...completely
bow-legged?. Dear Lord. I've of course
nicknamed the Basham brothers "Homolition", because
they've recently taken it upon themselves to
wear full S&M gear to the ring, including leather
masks, complete with a ball gag. Oh my. That's a
little disturbing for "brothers". I don't know about
you, but I limit the time I spend with my
brother to maybe taking in a movie together. I don't
stand chained to a pipe with him while someone
violates our cornholes with a fucking cat
o'ninetails. Just saying.
Anyway, this match was made on HEAT,
which ironically enough is the last thing this match
had. In fact, between the action, all four men
paused, watched a wild west tumble weed slowly blow
past, then immediately started wrestling again. True
APA dominate (HIYO) this one for
much of the match, with Bradshaw eventually getting
the hot tag and cleaning house. Powerbomb to Danny.
Followed soon after by the a "Last Call" fall away
slam. He then gives Doug one off the second rope,
after Doug climbed the ropes and Bradshaw countered
the effort. He makes the cover, but Danny makes the
save. The ref then gets bumped, and in the ensuing
chaos, The Basham's Dominatrix Shaniqua (Maniqua?)
runs in, and caves in Bradshaw's head with a club.
Remind me to never use her dominatrix services. I
thought the most you'd have to go through was maybe
some hot wax to the balls. Good luck getting any
referrals now, Shaniqua. Anyhoo, The Bashams get the
Winner: The Basham Brothers. But
hey, you have to wonder why they'd even have an
issue with Bradshaw in the first place. If they love
being sexually abused so much, you'd think they'd
[Sean's note from 2007: *They did
join him in 2004 as his "Chiefs of Security". And
why not? If you can take a woman grinding her high
heels into your fucking nuts and come back for more,
what's a potential bullet? Clearly, JBL made the
-Backstage, Shaniqua and The
Basham's cut an interview where Shaniqua comments on
her obvious new breast implants (if having breasts
is the only criteria for being considered a woman, I
should probably start calling my Grandfather
"Grandma") stating that Bradshaw's "clothesline from
Hell" caused "swelling" in her chest that may be
permanent. Man, a clothesline can cause a woman to
get bigger tits? Holy shit. Excuse while I climb my
roof and fold my girlfriend with the patented Road
Warrior Hawk version. If all goes well, she'll have
Double D's when I'm finished! ...and if not? Well,
someone be a peach, and bail me out, okay?
-Stephanie vs. Vince video package.
Vince apparently used to "loan Stephanie out to
potential business partners" according to her sit
down interview. Man. No wonder WWE's doing so badly
these days! Talk about a Deal breaker! Haha. Hey,
fuck you, I have to get my Steph jokes in while I
Vince McMahon w/ Sable w/ botox Vs. "Stone
Cold" Stephanie McMahon w/ Linda McMahon w/
complicated computerized endoskeleton.
In case you haven't been watching
WWE TV lately, this whole feud came about because
Vince McMahon wanted to get rid of Stephanie as
GM... but she wouldn't quit. So of course he devised
a complicated plan over the last 5 weeks to break
her spirit. Hey, here's an idea: WHY DON'T YOU JUST
FUCKING FIRE HER? Holy shit, Vince is worse than a
fucking Bond villain. Somehow, I don't think most
bosses force you to engage them in fucking
mortal combat when they want your ass out on the
street. Call me crazy.
Anyway, the build to this has been
especially painful to watch, as its monopolized 75%
of WWE TV, while somehow trying to convince us that
the spoiled Stephanie McMahon character is worth
getting behind. (and not in the way I'd like to).
Having to choose between supporting Steph or Vince
is the equivalent of being asked if you'd rather be
impaled or set on fire.
As for the match, my joking aside,
this one was very smartly booked, thanks in part to
the superb storytelling of Vince, who as a heel got
the emotion over huge with the crowd. Vince
dominates much of the match, manhandling Steph to
the disgust of everyone, and Linda...I think.
It's kind of hard to tell if she, like DATA before
her, has finally assimilated human emotions into her
mainframe. The tide eventually turns when Stephanie
gets her hands on a steel pipe brought into the ring
by Sable for Vince to use on her. SWEET
IRONY. And not just because said pipe is in fact,
umm, irony? That's right. Steph goes on offense from
there, laying into Daddy with the pipe. Ya! She's
all grown up now, so listen and learn, a True Star
and she's finally gettin her turn! *AHEM*. Stephanie
then covers for a close 2 count after Vince gets his
foot on the rope, and while this happening, Linda
sets her program to all 3 Prime Directives!: "Serve the public trust!"
"Protect the innocent!" and "Uphold the law!"
as she attacks Sable! Clearly, Vince should have
built in that classified fourth Robocop directive.
He's probably kicking himself right now. Anyway,
Steph ends up hitting a big bulldog (Not Lucy) on
Vince whilst also taking out Sable again for another
two count. She then grabs the pipe and charges
Vince, but he avoids the blow, and retrieves the
pipe, nailing Steph in the stomach, then applying a
choke hold with said pipe. Steph begins to fade but
refuses to quit, so Linda, after obviously oiling
her arm tin-man-style, grabs a towel and hurls it
into the ring to signal a submission. Heh. I guess
this means a now insane Stephanie will return in ten
years and start putting everyone in a chicken-wing.
You know, before eating the chickenwing...cause
she's so hungry. Haha. One fat joke for the road.
Winner: Vincent Kennedy McMahon and
Fathers everywhere. Well, that's it
for Stephanie. She's off to get married to HHH next
week. Part of me has to wonder what the groom to be
thought about Vince giving his future bride the Prom
night hands here. But hey, in Vince's defense, he
did PAY for those cans, so he's just taking a
consumer's interest. After all, no one freaks out
when you test the tomatoes in the supermarket. Vince
is a smart shopper, that's all....
-After the match, Vince celebrates
by pie-facing Linda, and then starts to make out
with Sable. However, due to her head being frozen in
a perpetual botox state, Sable's not able to open
her mouth more than 1/1000th of an inch, and her
face completely shatters as a result. Ok, maybe not.
Vince then leaves, and Stephanie looks on at Mom
upset that she threw in the towel. All I know is, if
you go by the booking here tonight, Stephanie >
A-Train, who actually submitted to a non-steel pipe
induced finisher, while SHE REFUSED TO QUIT, BY
GAWD. Clearly, she needs to shave her head and grow
a goatee. Stephanie 3:16 ftw.
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle;
I don't know who had more of a
following here, Kurt Angle or the Doctor of
Thuganomics. And speaking of that, where the
fuck does one go to get a doctorate in Thuganomics
anyway? I'd imagine it'd be the same place you'd get
your feet educated ala Rob Van Dam or X-Pac. I'd
also imagine The Dean's name there is Douglas, the
institution itself is called the school of hard
knocks, Undertaker teaches a course in history
(culminating in him dragging you by the wrist to the
chalkboard, then leaping from his desk onto your
back), and finally, all the new enrollee's are
personally taken there by Ric Flair... if JR is
indeed to be believed. I mean, clearly it's obvious.
Almost as obvious as the amount of alcohol I had to
consume to write the preceding stupidity. Almost.
Anyway, this match was easily the
best one of the night so far. Angle dominates the
onset, but things soon go awry for him after an
Irish whip (Never go to Ireland. People will just
randomly throw you in the opposite direction!) gets
reversed and Angle eats the post. Cena dominates
from there, eventually taking Angle down with a
brutal DDT on the ring apron. Both men, then end up
hitting their finishes respectively (F-U and
Angle-slam) but neither finish. Cena eventually
looks to cheat, and grabs his chain, as the crowd is
actually cheering him on, but the ref sees it coming
and confiscates it. But you see, it's all a RUSE, as
while the referee is discarding the chain, Cena uses
Angle's own Gold medals and wraps them around his
fist and clocks Kurt. However, this only gets a two
count, because as I've mentioned before, Kurt Angle
is invincible, and like Linda, also a cybernetic
organism. Clearly, Cena's only alternative is to
crush him in a machine press or slowly dunk him into
molten steel. They keep enough weird shit under the
ring as it is, so who knows, it might be there. With
that said, finish sees Angle countering a Cena
attempted victory roll into the ankle-lock, and
he seals the deal with a heel hook as Cena taps out.
Winner: Kurt Angle; my 2nd favorite
increasingly-shrinking bald-headed hero. The first
of course is my penis.
vs. Big Show; U.S. Title
This whole rivalry of course started
when Big Show informed Eddie & Chavo that he and I
quote "didn't like their kind." Man. Who knew it
today's day and age there's still prejudice against
talented wrestlers. Oh, he meant. Never mind. From
there, HIJINX abounded as Eddie fed Big Show a plate
of compromised Taco's that caused The Giant to
unload his cavernous asshole and paint the bowl.
From there, Eddie got the upper-hand again, when he
borrowed his cousin Chewy's sewage truck (his
other cousin Han Solo is a plumber I heard) and
grabbed the shit hose (coincidentally, Patterson's
nickname for his penis) and sprayed it all over Big
Show. I love how each time a truck rolls out
on WWE TV it possesses an increasingly more vile
liquid. Thank God Eddie didn't decide to take a slug
off it like Austin did the beer hose. Anyway, to
finally get even for all this shit, umm, literally,
Big Show chokeslammed Eddie atop his low-rider,
breaking the glass into his back. Oh, no. Now his
back is going to have unsightly red blemishes on it!
All kidding aside, I love Eddie, and
he did the best he could as he was basically working
a with a sack of wet towels here. The crowd seemed
really burned out from the previous two matches, and
sadly this one didn't get that much of a reaction.
Although, it could be that Big Show worked the match
at such a slow pace, I believe he was able to move
backwards through time. I guess we'll know what
effect it had on human history tomorrow. Anyway,
Eddie cleverly cheats throughout, but the whole
"Show's Big and Guerrero's not" thing comes into
play here as Show kicks out of a lot of potential
finishes, even after Eddie used brass knux, the
title belt, and even hit a frog splash! Man. Anyway,
Eddie walks into a chokeslam from there, but gets
his foot on the ropes at two. He then gets a
low-blow on Show to buy time, but seconds later,
walks right into a 2nd chokeslam, and this time Show
gets the pin. Huh?
Winner and NEW United States
Champion: Big Show. Well, that doesn't make a lot of
sense. Curtail the push of the red-hot Eddie
Guerrero for Big Show, who's only reason for wanting
the belt in the first place is probably because he
thinks there's chocolate under the foil? I guess
Vince couldn't directly shoot us with the
shit-hose, so he did the 2nd best thing...put over
The Undertaker Vs. Brock Lesnar; WWE Title
"Biker Chain match";
The rules for this one are of course
the chain is suspended above the ring and the first
man to retrieve it gets to use it. Somehow, I don't
see real-life Bikers all scrambling up a fucking
pole to get a weapon in a gang-war. Call me crazy.
Also call me crazy for not knowing just why the fuck
they'd book THIS particular match here. I mean, you
remember all those great WWE Biker chain matches of
the past, right? Wait. What do you mean there were
never any? Well, you remember how much significance
a chain played in this Undertaker/Lesnar rivalry
then, right? What do you mean there was never
a chain EVER used in any capacity, umm, ever? Man.
Ok, try this on for size. It makes sense because
Undertaker has ALWAYS been associated with and
has always brought a chain to the ring. What do you
mean he never has before? Not ever? Then what's the
point of this match?.....*head explodes*. Dear God.
Something makes me think Vince just spun the old
"Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal" wheel backstage.
Somewhere Sting feels these guys pain. While Jake
Roberts feels nothing because he's dead inside. It'd
be funnier if it wasn't true.....
Anyway, not since the umm, *classic*
Big Bossman/Nailz "nightstick" match has there been
a bout that featured so little use of the weapon in
question. Slow deliberate match that saw
Undertaker mostly dominate. In a really cool spot,
Undertaker piledrived Lesnar on the ring steps, then
hung him in a triangle choke in the ropes. After he
releases it, Lesnar hits a low-blow and both men
crawl for the corner. Lesnar tries to get to the
chain, by climbing over Taker, but he should know
better than thinking you can GO OVER THE UNDERTAKER.
Wishful thinking, motherfucker. Ahem. Taker simply
grabs a hold of Lesnar and looks for the last-ride,
but Lesnar wriggles free, and the two take each
other out with a double-clothesline. Once back on
their feet, Undertaker regains the momentum, hitting
the avalanching clotheslines in the corner, a Snake
Eyes, then a big boot, as I picture Kevin Nash
crying "Go ahead. Take everything I got", before
being thrown off the set of the Punisher. Ah, no
worries Kev. You can panic when Taker starts wearing
a singlet with black leather pants. Oh.
From there, Taker applies another
Triangle choke, however, the freakishly strong
Lesnar countered out of by deadlifting (HIYO) Taker
up and slamming him into a powerbomb. Awesome move.
Taker then attempts his dragon sleeper, ridiculously
named "Taker care of business". Dear God. Good thing
he's not in porn. I can just see the "Taker up the
ass" now. Anyway, Lesnar somehow counters that into
an F-5, but Taker gets his foot on the rope. Both
men fight up, and Taker looks to have things in
hand, and begins climbing for the chain when The
F.B.I. return from ...the Witness Relocation
Program? ....or worse yet, another place you're
exiled to where you're forced to lose your identity
completely: VELOCITY; however, it's all for
naught as they all eat some token Deadman offense.
From there, Vince finally comes down and gets
involved. As Taker grabs the chain, Vinnie Mac
sneaks up from behind and pushes him from the top,
crotching him on the ropes. This allows Lesnar to
retrieve the chain and clock Big Evil for the
anticlimactic win. There goes the pain.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Vince
McMahon! err, I mean, Brock Lesnar! But hey, it
might as well be Vince. With the way his aged mug's
been all over this show, and then with how
he single-handedly beat Undertaker tonight, you'd
think he owned the place or something...
FINAL THOUGHTS: With the exception of The
Bashams vs. A.P.A., which was the equivalent of
watching someone's life you despise flashing before
your eyes, this one once again exceeded
my expectations. It's kind of like going on a date
with an ugly woman and finding out she gives great
head.... not something you particularly looked
forward to, but ends on a positive note. The booking
however was a little strange. Cena jobbing to an
already established Kurt Angle, and especially Show
beating Eddie made about as much sense as doubling
up with Christopher Reeve in a potato sack race.
Weird, weird shit. But hey, at least I can say we've
heard the last of the ultra high frequency tones of
Stephanie McMahon for a while. That was worth her
not quitting to a move that'd kill anyone else on
earth, while near 400 pound dudes tapped out
instantly to much lesser non-lethal finishes. Worth
it, indeed. Thumbs up.