The Wrestling Fan. (Seriously). Coherency,
grammar and sense may be absent completely.
Friday, September 20 2010 12:00AM|
Bringing Home The Bacon
By Canadian Bacon
[WARNING: The Baconman doesn't believe in
blow by blow. In fact, I don't believe in blowing
anything, except maybe that one time in college -
but you know thast say about college, that's where
you do your experimenting, and when ur done
doing science sometimes you even blow a dude out of
pure curiosity! Not me, though. i'm no faggot.]
Baconfans and fans of PPV and fans of Bacon's PPV
review, I'm Bacon and this is his PPV review, the
greatest and most comprehensivy (and real
words) coverage of the sport you've never read in
yer life. Ya!!11
friend and mine (well, not really, he stole my life
and hurt my feelings a bunch), the evil slavemaster,
sean Carless, recently called me up and demanded I save this website from ruin and
somesuch and review tonight's show because no one
wanted to do it and he's lazy and prolly a
faggot and i'm paraphrasing. And after bigtime
thinking about it, and considering my self-imposed
exile from wrestling writery to concentrate on
fulfilling a secret prophecy between me and god to
build an ark to house every animal in pairs (a
special section is being made for Batista & George
Steele) I decided, "what the hell, im kinda
awesome," and the plebs (you) needed me telling
why you're wrong to like what you like anyway, so I
might as well just take a break from my heavenly
build of perpetuating the future of humanity &
beasts and just order the show and tell you why it
sucks and isn't as good as it used to be. (You're
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV RÉPORT OF NIGHT
OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
Anyways, this is
Night Of Champions, a show where all
the belts are on the line, and some ppl might say,
"hey, shouldn't every belt be on the line on PPV
anyway or what's the point of even having
champions?" but those ppl just don't get it.
That said, I
heard through the grapevine (really just a bush I
was hiding in and masturbating) that tonight's show
was originally gonna be called
"Night of guys getting belts so maybe then you'll
finally care about them and we'll maybe even sell
some knock-off toys that you'll have to hide in
front of actual cool kids with so they don't beat
you to death fer bein' such a pansy-ass homo
faggot with plastic belts on." They
luckily changed it, though, or else they'd have to
have built a DVD case miles long for the
graphic!1111 Good thinking!
are Michael Cole, the teacher guy who wore no pants
thus prolly why he was disgraced (Social studies in
Speedos? Ridicockulous!) and Jerry Lawler - a king
who should prolly make a royal decree to lower the
age of consent already! It'd really open up the
dating pool for him! (a legit pool full of hot
teenage girls you get to fuck!).
First match is Intercontinental
Champion Dolph Ziggler vs. the Kofi Kingston, who's
looking to regain his belt and go home and celebrate
with all his fellow Ghanarians.
girlfriend, Vicki, (why doesn't Chavo have a problem
with his sister-in-law fucking his former Caddy?)
and a chick named Katelyn, who replaced the giant
girl who got fired for taking giant sexy pictures
(that musta been a big camera!), are in the
champ's corner. And this makes Baconman
bigtime sad. I was
so looking forward to seeing that giant broad
(I want to say her name is Alopecia?), and if the
moment ever arose, and the cards were right, and if
animal control would just agree to lend me their
tranqs, maybe even take her out for a nice meal
- and if the mood was even righter still from
there, maybe even go up on her.
(she's really tall.). I'd mention then having
full-on sexiness of the area with her, but I imagine
her vag is prolly like the Grand Canyon (named after
gay wrestler Chris Kanyon, who like the landmark too
had a lot of men pass through him) and that'd create
some super duper awkwardness for a guy like me with
such a lean penile. (like throwing a twizzler into a
using his African heritage to duck and weave
and bounce around (Africans tend to be fast and
agile 'cause they're always being chased by lions &
white ppl over there) Kofi still came up short,
unless you're talkin peniley because he's black and
is prolly huge so scratch that. Dolph then puts him
away with the Zig-Zag anyway which is also what
filthy disgusting pot-heads like sean Carless call
the wrappers they incase their herbal evil in (I
myself practice a protractor lifestyle like CM
Winner and still
champion of the continents and NOT the oceans -
Dolph ziggler. And this is sad because his full name
is actually Dolphin. It's just a
matter of time, Dolph. One day you will be able
to return home beneath the sea with your belt a
backstage and says stuff. Something about being the
Ultimate Optimisprimist and how he has the ability
to quickly transform from Peterbilt Truck to upright
man, and make you forget there was also a 40 foot
trailer there too just seconds before. Where did it
go? Who knows. I really wasn't paying attention.
Show vs. CM Punk
recently created an awesome straight-edge drinking
game in that you take a drink every time Punk says
something about being straight-edge and you don't
stop until you destroy your life and those all
around you. Isn't catching on too well, though.
Show (but what kind of show? GOD I HOPE ITS PUPPETS)
beats the hometown boy with a punch to the face with
his frying pan hands - frying pans that could
prolly cook up drugs and hurt CM's feelings no
though I really wasn't paying attention much 'cause
I was too fixated on Punk's Cobra tattoo and then
pictured Big Show as Destro and how bad-ass that
would be, even if he didn't wear the pussy-lips
collar which I always assumed was a way of showing
Baroness who's boss and how he could tap that
shit anytime he wanted. (Do you think his cock was
silver, too? ANARCHY!111).
- Chris Jericho
is backstage. If he doesn't win tonight, he retires.
Nooooo! Chris is like way to0 young to play
shuffleboard, die in his sleep and eat dinner at 3pm
everyday. GO CHRIS!!!111
-Video for the
Miz vs. Bryan match. Some ppl have said Bryan is a
lot like a new Benoit - only not a murderer. And I
can see it. Although, I'd still be careful.
If I was his friends, I'd start to worry if he
starts suddenly leaving bibles besides his opponents
and then calls them to say the dogs are in the pool
area and the soy burgers are in the fridge.
Daniel Bryan Danielson vs. The Miz
for United States Championship of the World!1111
despite being kind of omnipotent, I don't know
that much about this Bryan really (other than I'm
convinced he was my grade 7 biology teacher - he
also was known for his flash kicks and secret sexual
abuse - or the first one), but I understand that he
is also known as the American Dragon, which is kinda
awesome, because i always thought dragons were
just from Medieval England, Japan, or the reaches of
my glorious imagination. And i know i constantly bug
yous guys about how america is really just
Canada's underwear, but i think it's honestly legit
touching the way yous guys show no prejudice
in your immigration system unless they're arabs or
brown generally. So Yay! Dragons as Legal
citizens! "Give us your poor, your
tired, your huddled dragons longing to be free!!111"
That said, and
despite the spirit of c0-existing and such naturally
& nationally, you need to still keep your
filthy U.S. belt away from here, mister! (or misses
- i don't discriminate against the bitches).
Your title has no jurisdiction in my country, Canada
- land that i love. And i aim to keep it that way
politely with my doors unlocked.
Anyways, Miz has
his longtime male companion, Alex Riley, the only 40
year old man still in high school besides me, in his
corner. But this doesn't stop Daniel Bryan's
haircut, who goes on offense, with kicks and kicks
and kicks, looking for his painful submission move,
originally called the oompaloompa crossface - a hold
invented in Brazil to ward off evil orange midgets
(not Taz) hording chocolate and serving a sinister
master. Eventually, though, he gets it, and gets the
submission and the title and the belt even, and
we're informed by Matt Striker that it's now called
the Labelle lock - of course mastered/coined by R&B
songstress Patti Labelle, who when she wasn't
belting out soulful music to set your fuckin' to,
was also stretchin dudes with complicated
submissions! True story! Legit!
Winner & *New*
United States Champion: Daniel Bryan; although it
got kinda old listening to Michael Cole
constantly call Bryan a nerd for twenty minutes.
Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black and
then Al Sharpton getting involved and no one gets
any tea and the races drift farther apart? I don't
know. All I do know is, if there's any justice in
this world (besides against minorities), Bryan will
soon get to wear Ricky Steamboat's old fiberglass
dragon head and breathe fire and angrily go to WCW 3
months later when he gets tired of the bullshit.
Michelle McCool vs. Melina for the
Undefined Women's title.
In honour of
this bigtime match, I just unified my hand with my penis, and almost lasted as long as
the match did (only blew one spot, too!).
was a Lumberjill match, which I
understand makes sense 'cause a lot of these ladies
got their jobs i heard by handling wood. (They also
ate the world famous lumberjill breakfast b4 work -
then puked it right back up to maintain their
And speaking of
throwing up, Michelle McCool wins this thing with a
boot to the face of Melina (prolly 'cause she's as
sick as I am of seeing Melina's constipated smile.
Shit already and be done w/ it!).
That said and
such, a lot of ppl complained about the terrible
psychology in this one, but the truth is, even
though I have an HDTV, I couldn't hear it - but I
can prolly guess it was Melina trying to tell
Michelle gently, "You're beautiful the way you
are. You need to eat! You're only destroying
yourself!" But Michelle wouldn't listen to
Melina's well-meaning psychology, made sure
Undertaker was taping his fists in the booking
meeting, and now she's champion of the world and
Divas and butterflies!
McCool - who was the only one attacked by the
Lumberjills! Weird! It was kinda like her hubby
Undertaker at Royal Rumble '94 being attacked by 12
giant dudes and stuffed into a casket, only
instead it was anorexic women with breast implants
hitting the wrong blond girls. And no, the ghost of
Michelle didn't rise above the arena, as well!
(Although, it prolly could, she's already a
-Wade Barrett is
backstage looking all tall and british and having
the same haircut my mom used to comb for me when i
was 5 and in kindergarten. (so, it's awesome.). Wade
says something about winds of change blowing, and i
keep waiting for the hilarious fart punch-line but
it never comes and i'm disappointed. :(
Kane vs. Undertaker for
World Heavyweight Championship of the World.
a package (not a penis) of their history and we see
Undertaker return at Summer Slam, waking up from his
vegetative state and attacking Kane! But what kind
of doctor let's a guy in a coma lay around in tights
for 3 months? THE AWESOME KIND
WHO KNOWS DARKSIDE JUSTICE WHEN HE SEES IT!!111
money here (and I have THOUSANDS) is on the tall guy
with mystical powers who's undertaker. Wait. I
fucked that joke up. I'm pulling for the tall guy
with mystical powers who could also be Kane! Better.
That said, as
they fight and fight, (and in honor of this match
the crowd was also dead), the announcers bring up
memories of See No Evil and i ask my fat cousin
Madison how there could be any memories if no one
watched it. Then i laugh and laugh and i feel really
good about myself for mocking things.
Back in the
ring, undertaker eventually connects with a
chokeslam and pulls his straps down in a manner in
which i imagine Michelle McCool is quite accustomed,
(TIME TO GET SOME REST IN PIECE!!111 Hahahahaha),
but Kane reverses the tombstone like only a guy
who's taken a 1000 of them for 15 years
straight can, and he hits his own and Undertaker
is pinned and killed!!!11
Winner: Kane and
vegetarians everywhere, unless that's not what they
meant w/ Undertaker. (it would explain his poor
available on DVD September 28th - so for those of
yous guys who didn't have the privilege of choosing
to not watch it in one of 8 theaters playing
it nation-wide, despite the only other thing playing
being a 4 year old Wicker Man starring Nick Cage,
the good news is you can ignore it on blu-ray, too.
But you totally shouldn't!!111 'Cause, at the end,
the mother not only knows how to get her son back, she gets him back, and is now
convinced that she'll never ever make another movie
made by WWE again! LEGENDARY!
Dynasty vs. Usos vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir
Kozlov vs. evan Bourne & Kool-Aid vs. Drew McIntyre
& "Dashing" Cody Rhodes corpse: WWE Tag Team
Championship Tag team TURMOIL of Championships. (and
The Harts start
with the Usos who are the sons of Rikishi, whom i
still can't figure out how he procreated since his
dink was incased within his body (and not in a good
way) and he just kinda always backed into things.
Maybe he taught his wife how to do the same thing &
accidents just happened? Maybe.
Anyways, one of
the Usos (the skinny one w/ the moustache) pins
Tyson Kidd and they're eliminated!! NOOOOO! I was so
hoping the Harts would retain until at least Hell in
a Cell, so Jim the Anvil (Advil?) Neidhart could accompany them to
the ring and show them how to *really* survive
inside a cell! But that's all ruined now. Stupid
WWE. Always ruining things 2 ppl would understand.
next is Kozlov and Santino, the best
Russia/Italy reunion since World war 2 only w/ way
more tragedies! (have you seen their matches?!).
They get beat quick though when some guy
named Tamina distracted Santino and an Uso Samoan
dropped him. (stupid clumsy Samoans, always dropping
That said, I was
talking to my online girlfriend whose not aware of
it/consenting, Catherine Perez, on MSN, and she told
me Tamina is not only a WOMAN, but she's actually
the legit DAUGHTER of Jimmy Superfly Snuka - who
obviously musta refrained from killing a girl long
enough for her to become pregnant and go full
term!!11 You learn awesome new things every day,
except how to piss standing up without spraying your
balls. I'm still workin' on that one.
Oh! The Usos get
pinned and beat next by Evan Bourne and Mark Henry
when Henry hits the world's hungriest slam and Evan
connects with a shooting star - only not an actual
shooting star because that'd open up a black hole
capable of unspeakable destruction, and not Mark
Anyways, I asked
evil sean Carless what a good team name for this
awesome ebony & hungry team of Henry & bourne could
be, and after not answering me for 4 straight hours
and deleting me off his friends list altogether
after I accidentally turned on my webcam while doing
DDP yoga in the nude, he reluctantly said, "Bourne 2
Eat"? and i didn't get it and still don't and regret
even asking/ pulling up my pants.
Oh, ya. they get
beat by Drew & Cody, who then win the
belts, which is prolly
awesome for guy's like Cody who can have their pick
any girl who loves men who look like hemophiliacs
he wants, but not so much for Drew, who let's face
it, doesn't exactly need protection for the sheep he
beds. (And trust me, I know! We've all been there -
if only for the Dr. Moreau possibilities!!!!).
CHAMPIONSHIP Six-Pack Challenge!!!: (C) Sheamus vs.
John Cena vs. Randy Orton (and Often, LOL!) vs.
Chris Jericho vs. Edge w/ returning MATRIX overcoat!
(I wonder if taking that pill that wakes you up into
the *real* world is a banned substance on the
OK. I'm tired of writing. Randy Orton wins
this brouhaha (named after 1800's tough guy/comedian
Walter P. Brouhaha), pinning Sheamus for the belt
with the RKO, even though I thought he coulda easily
eliminated Sheamus much earlier if he just told him
there was a bottle of scotch under the ring - that
way Sheamus's natural instincts as an
Irishman/alcoholic woulda kicked in and while he was
scrambling for his fix/fuel to beat his wife later
on, he'd have been counted out. You know i'm
right! In fact, I'm only convinced Sheamus showed up
tonight 'cause he heard the word "six-pack" and
said, "I'm there, Fella!!!1111"
other eliminations were as follows: Jericho was 1st,
pinned with an RKO. No more code breakers. Which is
a SHAME 'cause i was told in grade school this is
how WW2 was really won. It's TRUE. Hitler was comin'
home after a night out w/ Eva Braun and bam, two
knees to the chin and an A-bomb on Japan later the
war was over. HISTORY: Time's way of
recording what happens.
Edge was then
pinned by Cena with an AA - he hoisted an inebriated
Arn Anderson onto his shoulders and hurled him onto
an unsuspecting Edge for the pin/intervention. (i'm
guessing. TRUTH IS, I ACTUALLY BECAME
DISTRACTED WHEN MY 17 YEAR OLD NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR
GOT DRESSED FOR BED. Part of me knew it was
wrong to watch/masturbate, because i don't know when
her b-day is and prolly should just wait until she's
legal & such b4 violating her privacy, but the other
part that looks & sounds like my penis, said "why
not?" (I think. I don't really speak his language).
All I knows is, as I was cleaning up with a
well-timed swipe to the track pants and she was
turning out the light, I turned back to suddenly see
Edge leaving all sad.
Next was Cena by
Barrett with the Wasteland (not FCW) while he was
distracted by the Nexus/startling ugliness of Heath
Slater. It's true and it's frightening. If he ever
has sex and impregnates, say Christie Hemme, we'll
then have a terrifying ginger forehead capable of
replacing the Titan Tron altogether!1111 Be afraid!
next pinned & eliminated Barrett with an RKO,
posturing & quivering like the glorious two legged
viper w/ human tattoos & emotions and talking
ability he is. Ya. he's really not-at-all
snake-like, is he? And what's with all these walking
snakes in wrestling? And will Wrestlemania end with
Orton being carried by a rhyming but blinded Ezekial
Jackson while Randy's yells, "I was oncccceeeeeee a
man!" All questions w/ answers , no doubt.
And finally ... scroll
My Balls are kind of itchy. But I’m afraid to
scratch them because I have a phobia of puncturing
that’s it for this special (Better then everyone's)
Réport of NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS. Until next time, I’ll
cya soon but prolly not.
"Mr. Money in the Piggy Bank" Canadian Bacon mail HERE, or die from cancer of the
Consider this PPV brought!