WWE Champion Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Triple H

Orton leaves the ring at the bell to allow Cena and Trips to kill eachother, but after a brief staredown they instead follow after Orton. That would be scary as shit if that happened while I was utilizing Orton's strategy while playing Smackdown vs Raw. I'd yell the computer was being unfair and hit start and quit and then go own some bitches in the Elimination Chamber. That's my match, I ain't nevuh scaid. Anyway, Orton slides back into the ring and the faces follow, ploddingly slow and trying to build sus pense but it's just kind of boring. THE VIPER strikes at Hunter but he pummels his ass and Orton heads out, but Cena is out to clothesline him down in the elongated assault. He rolls Orton back in for Trips to pummel before joining him. Orton escapes again but they keep up the hunt, throwing him into the crowd barrier and back into the ring, where he knocks the pursuing Cena off the apron into Triple H. Orton quickly goes out and brings Cena into the ring to lay into him. Trips tries to come in for the save after he recovers but Orton does another classic Smackdown vs Raw strategy and immediately knocks him back outside to isolate his partner. This gave Cena time to recover however and he hits all his signatures before looking for the AA, but Triple H stops that shit and throws Cena out, only for Orton to take over on Trips.

Orton continually dominates Triple H with Cena I guess being knocked unconscious, or more likely just being like fuck it. RKO attempt fails and Trips DDTs Orton for the double count, when Cena reappears on the top rope. He hits a fucked looking double leg drop and tries to take on both guys until Orton puts him down with his neckbreaker. Pedigree attempt on Orton sees Trips get thrown from the ring. Cena gets on the apron, as does Trips, but Orton grabs them both for elevated DDTs, but they chuck Orton to t he outside as Cena and Trips go at it. Triple H does the condescending YOU CAN'T SEE ME hand wave for about the millionth time in his career and they go back and forth with signature moves. They each try for their finisher but both escape until Hunter lands a spinebuster and the followup Pedigree, but Orton yanks the pinning Trips from the ring and slams him all around ringside before laying him on the announce table and then standing over him on top of it for no reason whatsoever. He catches a kneepad to h is cup and is almost Pedigreed when Cena saves him for some reason by throwing him into the crowd. Cena and Trips battle it out on the table with Cena tripping Trips up into the STFU, but Orton saves him for, again, some reason I'm sure, and throws Cena back into the ring.

RKO fails and Cena sets up a superplex, only for a returning Triple H to complicate things. He yanks Cena off into a Pedigree, but finds himself catapulted into Orton on top. H back in an extended STFU, seeing Cena break it to pull him from the ropes and lock it bac on, but Orton is back in to line Cena up for a soccer punt. Cena dodges last second and goes for a rollup on Orton but he quickly puts Cena down with a clothesline as the faces lay dead. MODIFIED GARVIN STOMPS all around as Orton works them over with stomps and kneedrops until Cena clips his knee. He goes for the Five Knuck Shuff but Triple H pulls down the ropes upon Cena's useless run over to them and he takes a tumble. Triple H then takes this opportunity to...put Randy Orton in a fucking Sharpshooter. Hell yes. Orton sells it like he's being doused in acid but doesn't tap until Cena re-enters and Cena locks in THE CROSSFACE. The faces look rabid as Orton taps out but the referee decides he doesn't know how to do his job and make a decision so he just stands there looking worried and confused, as if he's thinking "Why couldn't this just end in a blatant disqualification or something easy?" I can't blame the guy though, after that whole Wes Adams thing I'd put a little extra thought into the shit I do, especially considering that was just an ECW match. Rhodes and Dibiase apparently decide that since the ref is too flustered to call a submission, maybe they can get away with some interference and enter the ring to get Cena and Trips off of their br etheren. Cena quickly knocks the shit out of Rhodes and goes for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT but Orton comes flying in with an RKO for the winfall.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Randy Orton

Well that was quite a long match to have for such a bullshit finish. Anyway, good stuff actually, despite it reeking of, oh, anywhere between "been there, done that" to downright "OH MY GOD HOW ABOUT MVP OR SOMETHING SHIT." The anyone but Orton psychology made it somewhat fun and Orton actually got to look like a dominant champion for once, ever, in his life, so that was a nice change. And ultimately I guess an Orton retention is better than a vacated title due to the double submission bullshittery, so, for giveable finish. I guess.

Anyway we are off TO THE BACK BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THINGS GO DOWN to see Miz asking if he could stretch out Maryse and she implies they'll have sex after her match. She then does a 180 and turns away from a kiss, citing his losing the US Championship match as a reason. He calls her a tease and says she'll lose her championship tonight. Right now, in fact.

A Female Champion Maryse vs Mickie James

Yeah, no.

Winner and NEW A Female Champion : Mickie James

I actually watched this one, though, and it was awful, so I assume the other one was awful too, and so you're welcome. Also there was hairspray involved.

TO THE BACK UM AGAIN ARE YOU SURE WELL OKAY with Legacy once again as they say them losing the tag titles doesn't mean anything as long as Orton keeps  the WWE Championship. They basically says "so by proxy we're all winners!" These two are never going to outgrow their hapless fag roles, just watch.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler w/ Maria

It's like a rule, Maria has to be paired up with the floundering young heel with the ridiculous name. Carlito, Santino, and now, DOLPH. Anyway, Ziggler starts off trying to get all over Mysterio, but he uses his speed to keep him at bay and get in quick moves until Ziggler throws Mysterio off of a headscissors attempt head-first into the top of a turnbuckle. He gets a nearfall and violently whips Rey into a corner before putting him in a side headlock, his only signature move. They go back and forth with Zi ggler hitting power moves and Rey landing springboard shit, including a flying crossbody onto Ziggler on the outside. Back in Rey misses a 619 and Ziggler throws Rey from the ring this time before rolling him back in for a nearfall. Dolph remains in hot pursuit of the title with a SIDE HEADLOCK that lasts for a while, until Rey teased escaping and needed to be put in his place. The back of an INS truck. Hey, I got through like five or six minorities tonight before anything racial was said, that's a great nu mber for TWF.

Anyway, Ziggler continues to dominate Rey until he escapes a Masterlock and starts picking up nearfalls like they were grapes. He droptoeholds Dolph headfirst into a turnbuckle before flying off the top, only to get caught in a perfectly-timed Orton-esque dropkick by Ziggler for two. Rey gets pumped back up and tries to go for a super-something on Ziggler, but he takes Rey back down to the mat with a super-gut buster. For some reason no announcer provides a great potential soundbyte for a future Ziggler DVD release with "This newcomer Dolph Ziggler looks like a giant rapist beast here tonight, ladies and gentlemen." This scores only two and so he looks for a giant rapist beast slam, only to catch a kick to the head. Six One Nine and a springboard splash put an end to this one.

Winner and Still Yadda Yadda : Rey Mysterio

This one got a lot of time and Dolph looked great out there, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's a big step up from his Pay Per View debut against fucking Khali last month, at least. Good match. MAIN EVENT VIDEO PACKAGE TIME.