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WWE
NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS
RANT

(07/26/09)
BY ANTHONY DEAN

Welcome, TWF Crab Nebula, company obligation fulfilled, to Night of Champions 2009! A night where every championship will be defended! Even that lower-tier one nobody's cared about in at least ten years that is only featured sporadically in hotshot title changes and generally throwaway feuds and doesn't really mean anything anymore. Yes, even that one. And just in case anybody thought this Pay Per View was a good idea, don't forget that it entails there being two Di vas matches tonight. No worries, though, as I'm sure we'll get plenty of bullshit finishes to keep things moving along.

The show opens by explaining how important championships are... for tonight, and only for tonight. The rest of the year, eh, you know, they're just kind of there because they look good on some guys. A few guys. The same few guys. Forever. Anyway, the curtainjerker for tonight is the tag team championship match, which in all likelihood means that either they're not even trying to put on the charade of the ECW belt holding any iota of prestige, or everyone just forgot about the ECW Championship alltogether ou t of sheer unimportance. Fucking Tommy Dreamer probably didn't even remember enough to ask why he wasn't on the show.

Legacy enters first, taunting us with the possibility of three championships being held by what is basically three Randy Ortons. The Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho is out next and starts in on Edge, and we get a series of Edge videos that potray him as a face...despite him being a huge heel for like four straight years and doing nothing face-like whatsoever except getting injured because heels never get injured. They just don't. They either disappear from television mysteriously for an extended per iod of time, or wrestle through an apparent injury and are insinuated to be faking it. Check the Fan Laws, guys. Company obligation fulfilled. Anyway, Jericho disses on Edge for leaving him hanging before saying he finally has found a worthy partner, whom he has referred to in recent weeks as a man who is great, on his level, and he even thought it important enough to tweet that his chosen partner is "evil." So who in the entire WWE could it possibly be to shock and surprise everyone with this teaming and o pen a doorway full of possibilities of storylines with the always electrifying Chris Jericho? Will it rejuvenate a floundering established star such as Christian, Kane or Matt Hardy? Will it be a young, promising up-and-comer who will get his first big break here, such as The Brian Kendrick or The Miz? Will it even be a huge return such as Shawn Michaels or Batista or Undertaker or oh wait it's Big Show.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show vs Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase, Jr.

Big Show writes his own fat joke, coming out holding both tag team belts. He is in spiffy blue ring gear to mark his um BIG REJUVENATION. I guess it's something though, I mean he's been wearing pretty much the exact same ring gear for almost fifteen years now. However, it still doesn't hide the fact that it's the Big Show we're having to watch here. I mean I don't hate the guy or anything, I just can't seem to ever get into anything he ever does or is a part of, ever, that's all. Anyway, Show and Rhodes sta rt off this heel vs heel match, I'm sure it'll be below par. Big Show dominates the early going with his usual things, you know, those things. Jericho helps. I'm sorryj, but I simply have no interest in this match whatsoever, Big Show just absolutely killed it for me. The match basically saw Jericho get his ass kicked for about six or seven minutes before he hit a Codebreaker and a camel clutch from Big Show made Ted Orton tap straight the fuck out.

Winner and STILL NEW Unified Tag Team Champions : Chris Jericho & Big Show

Yep. For what it's worth Legacy looked pretty good before they were completely destroyed. The only positive thing I can say about Big Show being the mystery partner is that maybe this means he won't be in the United States Championship match later, I'll be pretty mortified if he is.

TO THE BACK for big big things brewing with Josh Matthews! He's talking with CM Punk, but Punk quickly ditches the fag in outrage when he hears the crowd booing as they are wont to do when, you know, you fuck with the people they like, do things that has been booed by generations of socially oblivious hicks and young children, and generally act like an asshole towards everyone. Crazy shit, you better believe. He makes his way out into the arena to meet the crowd face to an inflated number of faces to tell t hem that the reason the crowd is so pro-Hardy is that so many kids grew up in broken homes like Jeff did, and that their single parents are enablers, and that Jeff Hardy shirts are gateway drugs to cigarettes and everything else. Listen, everyone hates the douchebag who pretends to cough really loudly ten feet away from you when you're smoking outside, but I still don't see how building a wrestling character around That Guy can be good for any extended period of time without getting stale, or seeming petty. I mean yeah, it works for Jeff, who *has allegedly been* all kinds of cracked out in the recent past, but what's next for Punk? "Undertaker, the people in the first two or three rows have had to endure your second-hand graveyard smoke for far too long!" Other than a novelty Stunner from Austin, I'm just not seeing how this can successfully go on. And no, that isn't an invitation for you to send me shit quality Ring of Honor youtube videos. Thanks though.

Oh hey, apparently either Dreamer or Chrisitan arrived at the arena a little late tonight, but I guess they're here now and their match can go on. Guess they'll just be checking into their motel about fifteen minutes later than usual tonight.

ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer vs Christian

They share a friendly bumping of the knucks, followed by some bitch slaps of questionable friendliness. They exchange back and forth shit moves until a definitely unfriendly wheel kick puts the Dreamer down for one. He gets a one of his own soon after, and a through-the-ropes kick gets countered into a neckbreaker from Dreamer, but his aptitude for catching ass whippings catches up with him and Tommy is soon seeking refuge on the apron. He tries to suplex Christian from the ring to the floor but, again, Tom my is just so fond of those darn ass whippings! Christian counters it and sends Dreamer out to the floor before scoring a baseball slide on him. He then tries to fly out onto Dreamer but he dodges and Christian catches fire on the outside. Dreamer gets all cocky and shit from here, hitting his own flying/falling move and rolling the believer back into the ring. Christian gets slammed amd Dreamer goes up top, inviting another severe beating. Christian happily obliges as he throws Tommy's blimp ass to the mat before letting him experience all sorts of hell. Kill Switch is countered and Dreamer slams Christian to escape a sleeper. Christian slaps the hold back on, so Tommy hilariously just hurls himself out of the ring with Christian on his back for the double count moment.

Both guys make it back in and Christian comes flying at Dreamer with a double axe handle I guess but Tommy catches him with a shot and makes his comeback, throwing Christian around before tying him up in the corner for a baseball slide. Dreamer DDT misses, but his sorry ass spinebuster connects. Pumphandle slam is countered because that move is just plain sorry and Christian faces Tommy towards the direction he is most accustomed to - up. Christian goes up and hits a missle dropkick when Dreamer gets back t o his feet, but a second attempt sees him get caught up in a submission hold from Dreamer, working over Christian's legs and back. The power of Christ compelled him to escape, probably, and but so Christian catches his second wind and is all over Dreamer. He hits a few signatures before looking for the Killswitch, but Dreamer counters to nearly spike him with a DDT, only for Christian to once again get it back into Killswitch formation, drilling Dreamer to the mat for three.

Winner and NEW ECW Champion : Christian

They share a friendly hug and Dreamer helps celebrate his crushing defeat by raising Christian's hand. What a woman of a man he is.

TO THE BACK AGAIN and this time it's Tard gaying it up because interviewers look like they're holding large erect black penises and putting their mouths near them when they talk to people. He is teasing a metallic black cock next to Big Show and Jericho, who say they're not friends but business compatriots and will outdo all other tag teams ever. That's impossible as anything with Big Show typically always gets ruined pretty quickly. I'm not saying because of him, but it usually seems to be because of him. Jericho then adds a smarmy thanks to Edge for making all of this possible.

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I just made you read that in Professor Farnsworth's voice and you're a fucking liar if you say you didn't. It's not even that big of a deal, why try and lie to deny? Get off your own dick. Anyway, Primo Colon will be replacing Big Show in the United States Championship Six Way Orgy to Stardom. It's what the graphic said the match was. I'm just doing my job. Poorly.

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs Primo vs Carlito vs MVP vs Jack Swagger vs Miz

Anyway this is basically a Fatal Four Way, as the first person to get a pinfall or submission will be declared the winner. As soon as the bell rings, Carlito runs away from his little brother. You know, if you're going to jump somebody from behind, you'd probably want to make sure that you're not going to spend the next few weeks ducking them at work. There's just better ways to go about telling somebody you don't want to hang out with them than jumping up, grabbing them by their shoulders, and pulling thei r back into your knees is all I'm trying to say. Anyway it's hell all over as everyone is in fast-paced unimportant early battle royal mode. Primo repeatedly gets his ass jumped by various heels until he hurricaranas Swagger from the turnbuckle and crossbodies Miz for a nearfall. Primo is going spastic, even getting a shot in on the champion, until Swagger powerbombs Primo's ass straight down and Carlito has to save him from being pinned.

MVP then gets his swagger on, showing Jack that he's so 2008 or something, I don't know I just kind of hear that song on the radio sometimes. What I'm trying to say is that MVP tried brawling with Swagger but he shut that shit down by ramming him into the crowd barrier. ERSTWHILE Kofi is taking on all comers, running a gauntlet of guys and dispatching of them in neat order. First Miz gets put down, then Swagger gets missle dropkicked. Miz and Primo battle precariously up top until Kofi leaps up, but JACK ju st comes over and brings all them suckas down. Carlito scrambles in and tries pinning everyone, except MVP who is dead on the outside, but no such luck as he is Carlito and these things do seem to happen this way pretty often when he is laying atop someone. Anyway, Carlito and Primo battle it out for a bit until Swagger just chucks them. MVP is the only one able to stop Swagger, and he soon hits the Playmaker, but Miz is in to slam but unsuccessfully pin MVP. He gets thrown out by the temporarily reunited C olons, but Carlito stabs Primo in the back again, only to catch Kofi's weak ass kick to the face for the loss.

Winner and STILL United States Champion : Kofi Kingston

Not a great match, short and just kind of okay, but every guy got their character over enough. Carlito came across as an asshole, and was great trying to patch things up with Primo, only to betray him again was good. Primo successfully came across as a weak, naive little bitch and so that is good I think. It's what they've been going for at least. Jack Swagger looked like a beast at times and MVP looked strong against the beast, and Kofi was generally able to keep from getting his ass kicked despite having the big target on him. The only one that really got lost in the shuffle was the Miz, who looked okay, but nothing special. They should have had him bust out some sort of memorable spot or something, but alas, this is just another "and also the Miz was there too, I think" match.

TO THE BACK ALREADY ONCE MORE with Legacy making excuses about losing the tag titles before Orton takes over to talk about the shit he's got going on. He says he could easily beat Cena or Hunter, but is at a disadvantage in a triple threat, despite that being about the only way he ever cleanly wins or retains championships. He says his opponents' egos are too big and will make em easy pickins before talking wistfully about how the fans don't cheer and respect him. He says maybe one day they will, but until then he'll be WWE Champion. Pretty good promo, Orton is pretty good in his bipolar and oblivious to being an asshole sort of character he's got going on. Anyway.

A Female Champion Michelle McCool vs Melina

NOPE.

Winner and STILL A Female Champion : Michelle McCool

I'm not sexist, I just don't like really mediocre shit and I just masturbated less than an hour ago. You probably assumed that already anyway though, I know I always do whenever I read anything online. No matter what site it is or how serious the subject matter, whatever text I read, I can't help but think "whoever typed that probably just masturbated less than an hour ago, probably with some porn tube or another open in the very next tab over from the one in which they typed that." Don't ask me why. It's a secret. The secret is basil. It's late and I'm tired.
 

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Triple H

Orton leaves the ring at the bell to allow Cena and Trips to kill eachother, but after a brief staredown they instead follow after Orton. That would be scary as shit if that happened while I was utilizing Orton's strategy while playing Smackdown vs Raw. I'd yell the computer was being unfair and hit start and quit and then go own some bitches in the Elimination Chamber. That's my match, I ain't nevuh scaid. Anyway, Orton slides back into the ring and the faces follow, ploddingly slow and trying to build sus pense but it's just kind of boring. THE VIPER strikes at Hunter but he pummels his ass and Orton heads out, but Cena is out to clothesline him down in the elongated assault. He rolls Orton back in for Trips to pummel before joining him. Orton escapes again but they keep up the hunt, throwing him into the crowd barrier and back into the ring, where he knocks the pursuing Cena off the apron into Triple H. Orton quickly goes out and brings Cena into the ring to lay into him. Trips tries to come in for the save after he recovers but Orton does another classic Smackdown vs Raw strategy and immediately knocks him back outside to isolate his partner. This gave Cena time to recover however and he hits all his signatures before looking for the AA, but Triple H stops that shit and throws Cena out, only for Orton to take over on Trips.

Orton continually dominates Triple H with Cena I guess being knocked unconscious, or more likely just being like fuck it. RKO attempt fails and Trips DDTs Orton for the double count, when Cena reappears on the top rope. He hits a fucked looking double leg drop and tries to take on both guys until Orton puts him down with his neckbreaker. Pedigree attempt on Orton sees Trips get thrown from the ring. Cena gets on the apron, as does Trips, but Orton grabs them both for elevated DDTs, but they chuck Orton to t he outside as Cena and Trips go at it. Triple H does the condescending YOU CAN'T SEE ME hand wave for about the millionth time in his career and they go back and forth with signature moves. They each try for their finisher but both escape until Hunter lands a spinebuster and the followup Pedigree, but Orton yanks the pinning Trips from the ring and slams him all around ringside before laying him on the announce table and then standing over him on top of it for no reason whatsoever. He catches a kneepad to h is cup and is almost Pedigreed when Cena saves him for some reason by throwing him into the crowd. Cena and Trips battle it out on the table with Cena tripping Trips up into the STFU, but Orton saves him for, again, some reason I'm sure, and throws Cena back into the ring.

RKO fails and Cena sets up a superplex, only for a returning Triple H to complicate things. He yanks Cena off into a Pedigree, but finds himself catapulted into Orton on top. H back in an extended STFU, seeing Cena break it to pull him from the ropes and lock it bac on, but Orton is back in to line Cena up for a soccer punt. Cena dodges last second and goes for a rollup on Orton but he quickly puts Cena down with a clothesline as the faces lay dead. MODIFIED GARVIN STOMPS all around as Orton works them over with stomps and kneedrops until Cena clips his knee. He goes for the Five Knuck Shuff but Triple H pulls down the ropes upon Cena's useless run over to them and he takes a tumble. Triple H then takes this opportunity to...put Randy Orton in a fucking Sharpshooter. Hell yes. Orton sells it like he's being doused in acid but doesn't tap until Cena re-enters and Cena locks in THE CROSSFACE. The faces look rabid as Orton taps out but the referee decides he doesn't know how to do his job and make a decision so he just stands there looking worried and confused, as if he's thinking "Why couldn't this just end in a blatant disqualification or something easy?" I can't blame the guy though, after that whole Wes Adams thing I'd put a little extra thought into the shit I do, especially considering that was just an ECW match. Rhodes and Dibiase apparently decide that since the ref is too flustered to call a submission, maybe they can get away with some interference and enter the ring to get Cena and Trips off of their br etheren. Cena quickly knocks the shit out of Rhodes and goes for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT but Orton comes flying in with an RKO for the winfall.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Randy Orton

Well that was quite a long match to have for such a bullshit finish. Anyway, good stuff actually, despite it reeking of, oh, anywhere between "been there, done that" to downright "OH MY GOD HOW ABOUT MVP OR SOMETHING SHIT." The anyone but Orton psychology made it somewhat fun and Orton actually got to look like a dominant champion for once, ever, in his life, so that was a nice change. And ultimately I guess an Orton retention is better than a vacated title due to the double submission bullshittery, so, for giveable finish. I guess.

Anyway we are off TO THE BACK BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THINGS GO DOWN to see Miz asking if he could stretch out Maryse and she implies they'll have sex after her match. She then does a 180 and turns away from a kiss, citing his losing the US Championship match as a reason. He calls her a tease and says she'll lose her championship tonight. Right now, in fact.

A Female Champion Maryse vs Mickie James

Yeah, no.

Winner and NEW A Female Champion : Mickie James

I actually watched this one, though, and it was awful, so I assume the other one was awful too, and so you're welcome. Also there was hairspray involved.

TO THE BACK UM AGAIN ARE YOU SURE WELL OKAY with Legacy once again as they say them losing the tag titles doesn't mean anything as long as Orton keeps  the WWE Championship. They basically says "so by proxy we're all winners!" These two are never going to outgrow their hapless fag roles, just watch.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler w/ Maria

It's like a rule, Maria has to be paired up with the floundering young heel with the ridiculous name. Carlito, Santino, and now, DOLPH. Anyway, Ziggler starts off trying to get all over Mysterio, but he uses his speed to keep him at bay and get in quick moves until Ziggler throws Mysterio off of a headscissors attempt head-first into the top of a turnbuckle. He gets a nearfall and violently whips Rey into a corner before putting him in a side headlock, his only signature move. They go back and forth with Zi ggler hitting power moves and Rey landing springboard shit, including a flying crossbody onto Ziggler on the outside. Back in Rey misses a 619 and Ziggler throws Rey from the ring this time before rolling him back in for a nearfall. Dolph remains in hot pursuit of the title with a SIDE HEADLOCK that lasts for a while, until Rey teased escaping and needed to be put in his place. The back of an INS truck. Hey, I got through like five or six minorities tonight before anything racial was said, that's a great nu mber for TWF.

Anyway, Ziggler continues to dominate Rey until he escapes a Masterlock and starts picking up nearfalls like they were grapes. He droptoeholds Dolph headfirst into a turnbuckle before flying off the top, only to get caught in a perfectly-timed Orton-esque dropkick by Ziggler for two. Rey gets pumped back up and tries to go for a super-something on Ziggler, but he takes Rey back down to the mat with a super-gut buster. For some reason no announcer provides a great potential soundbyte for a future Ziggler DVD release with "This newcomer Dolph Ziggler looks like a giant rapist beast here tonight, ladies and gentlemen." This scores only two and so he looks for a giant rapist beast slam, only to catch a kick to the head. Six One Nine and a springboard splash put an end to this one.

Winner and Still Yadda Yadda : Rey Mysterio

This one got a lot of time and Dolph looked great out there, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's a big step up from his Pay Per View debut against fucking Khali last month, at least. Good match. MAIN EVENT VIDEO PACKAGE TIME.

World Heavyweight Champion CP Munk vs Jeff Harvey

Incorrect names that are also references to in-jokes, see! Ah, I have fun. Anyway, Hardy is out last to a big pop. Then again they are in Philadelphia tonight, and that city is like 40% meth labs, so.  He's got on his serious face with his serious multicolored hair. SHADES OF ROY G. BIV! Anyway, Punk starts off out-wresling Hardy all over the place and letting him know it, loudly. Early GTS attempt doesn't connect, believe it or not, and Hardy takes it as an opening to drill Punk in the corner with Bat ista-like shoulder thrusts. Punk regains the advantage and is still insisting on pacing the match slowly and boringly, but Hardy disagrees and comes flying at Punk off a whip, only to go flying out of the ring after a sidestep by CM Lee Play. Once again it's very late at this point. Punk tries to go flying out but Hardy dodges and Punk lands hard on the floor.

Back in it's all about Hardy as he goes up top for a Swanton, but Punk rolls out of the ring all cocky and shit, but still easily within reach of Hardy, who propels himself out toward Punk. He dodges, however, and Hardy hits the crowd barrier with all the force of a speeding crackhead. I frivolously toss around more serious accusations as the post-birth abortionist CM Punk goes back in the ring to await the countout, but Jeff is in at nine. Punk lays in with some kicks and just all sorts of beatdownery. Eve ntually Punk sets Hardy up top on a turnbuckle, WHERE HE IS ALWAYS AT A SEVERE DISADVANTAGE. Hardy blocks the superplex and brings Punk down to the mat with a super gut-buster for the double count. They both wearily get up until Hardy starts feeling his second wind, or his second hit of speed, and is all over Punk with his signature offense. Double legdrop and sitting dropkick score two, so he goes up but gets crotched. Pepsi One knee hits but the bulldog is halted and the Whisper in the Wind scores two. Gu tbuster lands but the Swanton doesn't as Hardy's back eats canvas. Eats it up and chokes on it.

Punk hits a back/shoulder breaker thing before going for a modified sleeper but Hardy gets the rope break and Punk starts in with a series of kicks and chops and all of that. The backfist is dodged and Punk gets put down with a Twist of Fate. Another Swanton attempt sees Hardy's back choke on knees this time and Punk covers for two. Springboard clothesline is countered, as is the Twist of Fate, and Punk finally puts Jeff down with the Go To Sleep. A very nearfall is had several times as Punk is going from f rustrated to fucking insane with rage. He decides all this stress is no good and grabs his championship before heading back up the ring but Hardy snaps up and chases him up the ramp and brings him back into the ring. He lays into Punk in the corner before hitting him with a Twist of Fate. Jeff goes up for the Swanton that finally connects and pins Punk for the win and the championship.

Winner and NEW Champion : Jeff Hardy

Did not see that coming, considering Jeff is supposedly leaving sometime soon, but then I guess they couldn't let Punk get away with looking credible or anything! Still, I'm not expecting this Hardy reign to go any better than his previous two, and I'm sure he'll be Batista'd out of his title soon enough, but regardless, good match, really thought Punk was going to keep the belt one way or another, even at the very end, so good finish. That'll show my smark ass for reaching logical conclusions with informat ion that may or may not but usually ends up being true.

All in all a good show, I liked the championship aspect of it all, even though there wasn't really so much as one match that I really wanted to see very much as most were just kind of thrown together or have been done so many times it's hard to give a shit. Also where the FUCK has John Morrison been on Sunday nights? Nevertheless, the main event delivered well enough and the matches were all at least decent except for the ones with the women in them probably, I don't know I didn't really even watch them. Th e point is, thumbs kind of up. END SHOW.
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).