We start off with some pyro and ballyhoo, and thousands of screaming fans, LIVE~! from Dallas, Texas! After Jim Ross and Mick Foley welcome us to the show, Justin Roberts introduces the WWE Tag Team Championship match. John-Not-Jim Morrison and Mike Mizanin (I still refuse to call him by that most retarded nickname) make their way out to the ring first, followed by Finlay and Hornswoggle. Wish me luck getting through this, readers.
JOHN MORRISON and MIKE MIZANIN vs. FINLAY and HORNSWOGGLE for the WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Morrison and Finlay start off the bout circling the ring. After locking up, Finlay takes Morrison down with a clothesline and continues to beat his ass like only he can. J.R. makes note of Hornswoggle's height. "He's real fuckin' tiny, folks!" would have worked just as effectively. The action goes outside of the ring, with both Mizanin and Morrison taking Finlay down. Hornswoggle tries to make a run for it, but MNM 2.0 hilariously catch him at the ramp and drag him back to the ring. "Little Horny", as J.R. called him, rolls up his sleeves and readies himself for a beatdown before Finlay makes his way back to the ring. Finlay's tagged back in as Hornswoggle and his youth-sized poet sweater cheer him on. Finlay's eventually beat back into his corner as Hornswoggle tags back in and starts off a chain of luchador offense - headscissors, bulldog, you name it. The bulldog came up just a bit short (YA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?). I didn't think Hornswoggle would actually get in as much offense as he is. Foley compares Hornswoggle to Smeagol of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Morrison grabs Hornswoggle by the ruffles of his little poet sweater and slaps his face around a bit. Hornswoggle fights his way over to his corner and tags Finlay in. Finlay beats Morrison up and goes for the cover - 2~! Mizanin tries to interfere, but Finlay kicks his ass back out. After a few double teams, Hornswoggle tags in and goes for a tilt-a-whirl headscissors and another move that I missed when I blinked. Eventually Hornswoggle is down for the 1-2-3.
WINNERS: John Morrison and Mike Mizanin, and I'm sure many MNM 2.0 fans are glad.
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler go over the WWE Championship match that's taking place later tonight.
CHAVO GUERRERO w/ BAM NEELY vs. MATT HARDY for the UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
Matt Hardy has a strap? Well I'll be damned. Then again, who wouldn't consider a guy who can slap a tornado a champion? Yeah, me neither. Guerrero and Hardy lock up, and Guerrero quickly goes for a roll-up pin that goes nowhere. The first headlock of the night goes to Hardy with a side headlock, which is probably more devastating than a regular headlock, only not at all. Another headlock from Guerrero. Hardy delivers a scoop slam and goes for a pin for 1. Yet another headlock, but this one's short lived as Guerrero quickly takes Hardy down onto the mat. I actually haven't seen Chavo wrestle in a hell of a while, but it's nice to see him wrestling a match without thousands of people chanting for Eddie. God knows that must've sucked.
Chavo: I'M NOT EDDIE, DAMN IT. I'M CHAVO! I'M CHAVOOOOO~!
Vince: Say, Chavo, I'm changing your theme music to say OOOHHH, EDDIE.
Anyway, back to the match. Guerrero looks to be focusing his attention on Matt's left (?) leg. Chavo goes for some top rope maneuver that didn't really turn out to be a valid move since Matt rolled out of the way and Chavo rolls back onto his feet. Matt tries going for the Side Effect, but Guerrero blocks it with an elbow to the face. Hardy eventually gets the Side Effect delivered. Hardy tries a second-rope leg drop, but delivers a beyond-shit second-rope elbow. He goes for another try, but Chavo pulls Matt's leg out from under him and sends him crashing to the mat. Matt quickly gets the upper hand, though, and tries to execute a Twist of Fate. Of course, Guerrero's back to working Hardy's leg with a Boston Crab. Hardy slowly makes his way to the ropes. As Guerrero grabs him by the leg, Hardy delivers an Enzuigiri. Chavo goes for the Three Amigos, but it looks like Amigo Tres couldn't make it, so there's a Twist of Fate for poor Chavito. Hardy goes for the cover and retains his championship~!
WINNER: MATT HARDY
Post-match, the ref helps Matt to the back as Bam Neely consoles Chavo. King and Cole show us some NFL Hall-of-Famer in the crowd, then lead us to a recap of Million Dollar Mania, complete with awful game show music. By the way, how hilarious was Vince's fall from the Raw stage? Even more hilarious was Triple H hovering over Vince like "DEAR GOD, DON'T LET HIM DIE WITHOUT NAMING ME THE NEW OWNER OF WWE!!!" Speaking of Dear God, it's time for the slowest match of the night!
MARK HENRY vs. BIG SHOW vs. KANE for the ECW CHIMPIONSHIP. Hey, it's what Chimel said.
Big Show's slowed-down music helps me feel like I've slipped into a slow-motion alternate universe. Mark Henry seriously looks like the little fat kid at the playground who's ready to hand out a beating to the kid who dropped his sandwich onto the dirt. Anyway, the bell rings, and Kane lands some punches on both men. Adamle calls Kane agile, and considering our opponents, I guess it's safe to say that Kane definitely is the one with the agility here. Kane delivers a snap DDT onto Show and goes for the pin. Show kicks out and sends Kane to the outside, where we hear a little kid scream "COME ON, KANE, GET UP!" How adorable. Back in the ring, Mark Henry and Big Show lock up and then, uh, let go of each other. They circle the ring, and, holy shit, they lock up again! Show tries throwing Henry to the ropes, but Henry comes back and, to accentuate their large hossness, they end up slamming bellies like a couple of frat brothers. For some reason, we've got a couple of "doctors" checking on Kane at ringside. Here's how Adamle puts it, word for word, "We've still got Kane hanging out in front of our announcing, um... thing... table." The guy is such a poet with his words, isn't he? Meanwhile, Show and Henry are still sluggishly going at it. Kane finally reenters the ring via a flying clotheslines onto Henry. Running splashes onto both men from Kane. Henry goes for a bear hug on the Big Red Machine, but Kane powers out. Double Chokeslam onto Mark Henry. You could literally see him floating in mid-air, that's how slow it was. Kane and Show punch at each other, and Show manhandles Kane into the corner. Kane kicks him away and goes for a top rope move, but flies into Show's Chokeslam. Kane sits up a la Undertaker and wraps his meaty hand around Show's neck. Well, not around, 'cause that's just impossible. Then, as if the match just went into fast-forward mode, Mizzark flies onto Kane out of nowhere and picks up the pin. My laptop, noticing that Henry's the new champ, subsequently overheats and shuts off. True story.
WINNER, and NEW~! ECW Champ: Mark Henry
Thanks to my laptop shutting off, I miss the next 5 or so minutes. But I think it was for the best.
TED DIBIASE, Jr. and Mystery Partner~! vs. CODY RHODES AND HARDCORE HOLLY for the WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Ted lets us know that his partner's on his way, so they can start the match in the meantime. The bell rings, and ZOMGWTFBBQ SWERVE!!! Cody turns on Holly with a DDT~! Yes, Rhodes is DiBiase's partner. Rhodes tags DiBiase in. The match ends after literally one minute with DiBiase pinning Holly.
WINNERS, and NEW CHAMPIONS: Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase
Wait. Wouldn't that just make DiBiase double champ? Cody WAS booked with Hardcore, wasn't he? Durr. Cody grabs Lilian's microphone and announces DiBiase and himself as the new World Tag Champs. I guess I can safely say I'm mildly interested in seeing where this goes from here.
Todd Grisham interviews JBL from a luxury box. JBL's amazed that he doesn't have a match tonight. Really? Everyone else on this planet is more relieved than amazed. Grisham lets him know it's because Jibble's not a champion as the crowd chants "You suck!" Jibble goes on and on about the economy, the fact that he owns his own company, how he's the richest guy in WWE. Then he goes for more cheap heat by mentioning how the Dallas Cowboys lost to "his" New York giants. What this all has to do with anything, I'll never know. Jibble tells us it's a matter of time before he's champ again. Unless he jobs to his back. Then we can disregard the whole thing.
Chris Jericho makes his way out to tell us that he was told that his opponent was a surprise. Unfortunately, it won't be Shawn Michaels. Jericho lets us know that he will have vindication since he isn't here to save us anymore, but rather to save himself. Nice. I love this guy. Lance Cade stands at ringside nodding like a corporate yes-man. Out comes Kofi Kingston with an enormous smile on his face.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. KOFI KINGSTON for the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
The match starts as Kofi goes into some crazy Mortal Kombat battle stance. Jericho and Kingston lock up, and Jericho pushes him into the corner. The smile on Kofi's face? REPLACED with the glare of a guy who's ready to beat some ass! Which is then also replaced with a bigger smile than before. It's a good thing Kofi wasn't standing in Paul London's place during that Vince is Dead thing last year. Jericho takes Kingston down and applies a headlock. Kingston gets to his feet and elbows his way out of the headlock. Jericho bounces off the ropes and slams Kofi back onto the mat before delivering some stiff-looking kicks to Kingston's sternum. Jericho tries tossing Kingston to the outside, but Kingston holds on and goes on to toss Jericho outside. He dives over the ropes onto Jericho as Michael Cole jizzes all over himself. Jamaican him horny, Kofi~! Back in the ring, Kingston delivers a crossbody that got some huge air. Jericho throws Kingston outside of the ring. There were a few chants of "boring" coming from the crowd, but I think this match is just fine. Kingston counters Jericho's attempt at the Walls of Jericho into a pin, but Jericho kicks out. After a Lionsault onto Kofi, Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho. Oh my GAWD, it's Shawn Michaels, who's coming in through the crowd with a taped-up eye. Michaels Superkicks Cade. In all the excitement, Kofi delivers Trouble in Paradise for the win!
WINNER, and NEW CHAMPION: Kofi Kingston! Ah-poot-poot-poot or whatever.
Jericho ends up punching the shit out of Shawn's eye, and Michaels sells it like he's on the verge of death. Suck it up, you fuckin' pussy; I scratched the cornea of my right eye last year, and not once did I feel so incapacitated that I needed referees to help me around! And besides, why isn't Michaels using his medication? Hell, even I got some eye ointment and a bottle of Percocets!
Backstage, Vickie Guerrero talks to her wedding planner about flowers. Edge is getting ready for his match when his fanboy lackeys come in. Edge tells them he's never lost to Batista in a title match, so he won't be needing any help to win. The Edgeheads then return to their locker room and slit their wrists in sadness. Or perhaps not.
Speaking of the gross misuse of razors, here's an ad for Gillette Fusion Power featuring Vince McMahon and John Cena. "When I'm feeling down after having my own Raw set collapse on me, thus rendering me paralyzed from the waist down, I like to shave my legs with Gillette Fusion Power. Hey, my legs need attention too, LAWLS." At least that's how I wish it'd have gone. Cena needs to do a commercial similar to the one with that girl who's so eager to share her smooth armpits to the world.
MICKIE JAMES vs. KATIE LEA BURCHILL w/ PAUL for the WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP
I'll be honest here. I really couldn't care less for WWE's women's matches. Let's see... Katie Lea works on Mickie's left shoulder as the crowd responds with apathy! Sometimes silence is deafening. Except for this time. Fuck this; I'm cashing in my bathroom break pass right now. Back just in time to see Mickie retain her strap via a DDT.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
J.R. and Mick Foley return to reveal that WWE fans predicted that Batista would win the match and bring the World Heavyweight title to Raw. We get a video package highlighting Edge and the build-up to his match.
EDGE vs. BATISTAAAAAA for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Edge tells Teest to back off after being sent to the mat. They both lock up, and Edge goes for a headlock. What is it with all the locking up and the headlocks? Teest sends Edge to the outside, and follows behind him. Edge tries to scramble back into the ring, but Teest grabs onto his legs. I don't know about Edge, but Batista is the last guy I'd want grabbing at my legs. I mean, who would you call if an Animal tried to rape you? The ASPCA doesn't accept those kinds of calls, and I'm totally not saying that out of experience or anything. Seriously. Get your heads out of the gutter. Back in the ring, Batista delivers a Jackhammer and goes for the pin, but Edge kicks out at 2. Teest clotheslines Edge off the apron to the outside. No wrestling ring can contain THE ANIMAL! Batista exits the ring just to roll Edge back in. Seriously? It's almost as if Teest was sorry for tossing Edge out of the ring. As thanks, Edge kicks Batista in the face and tosses him off the apron. Edge bounces off the ropes and executes a baseball slide, knocking Batista into the announce table. Teest makes his way back into the ring before the referee can count to 10. Edge stomps on Batista as the crowd chants for the Animal. Edge applies some submission hold (I forget names, so sue me) near the ropes and lets go at the 5-count.
Over at the apron, Edge drops an elbow onto Batista's throat. Teest falls to the outside as Edge reenters the ring. Batista reenters the ring and gets a drop toe hold as a welcome home gift. Edge delivers a swinging neckbreaker onto Batista and goes for the pin. Batista kicks out at 2. Edge locks Batista onto a sleeper hold as the ref checks for a submission. The crowd cheers for Batista, and the camera suddenly cuts to a wide shot of a good portion of the crowd. Batista gets to his feet and backs Edge into the corner. He finds himself on the receiving end of another drop toe hold. Edge goes for some right hands and kicks before picking him up and delivering another right hand. He slams Batista's head off of the turnbuckle. Batista tries to fight back with two right hands, but he eats a swinging neckbreaker for his troubles. Edge goes for the cover, but only gets a 2-count, so he goes for a side headlock. Batista elbows his way out and picks Edge up before Edge counters out. Edge gets Teest in a roll-up for a 2-counts. Edge climbs to the top rope, but Batista swings a right hands into Edge, sending him onto the apron. Before long, both guys are down, and the referee starts up a double count. The two get back to their feet. Batista goes for a clothesline and a sidewalk slam for a near fall. Holy hell, this match is making my fingers hurt. I should count this against them on my rating system. Minus half a point for carpal tunnel pains!
Batista hits his Batista Bomb and goes for the cover as the Edgeheads cart Vickie Guerrero out to ringside. Batista looks to be getting the 3 here, but Vickie pulls the ref out of the ring. So, considering how flimsy referees are, I'd guess this one is now dead, especially after Edge punches him out. Guess that means Edge isn't getting DQ'd. Edge attempts a Spear, but ends up running into the ring post. Vickie brings out the NEW~! ref, Chavo Guerrero (w/ Bam Neely). Batista grabs Vickie and pulls her into the ring. Neely, the Edgeheads, and Chavo merely wave their hands like chickens with their heads cut off, yelling at Batista to stop what he's doing. Batista then throws Vickie onto them on the outside. I've gotta commend the woman for taking this bump. Edge nearly takes Teest's head off with the World title, then goes for the pin. Chavo enters the ring and counts the 1-2-3.
Post-match, the fans cheer as Batista is shown looking dejected. HEY~! If spending $40 - $50 on this PPV isn't enough to make you want to punch your own teeth out, WWE wants you to check out the Great American Bash, on July 20th. Which is 10 days after my 20th birthday, so if you need a better way to lose cash fast, get me a snazzy present~! Anyway, backstage, Triple H tells Todd Grisham that he's about to do what he should have done two years ago. Kill Vince and rule over the WWE with an iron fist? While we ponder that, here's a video package on Trips and Cena!
And since my wrists and fingers are screaming in pain right about now, you're getting somewhat abbreviated coverage of the next match. Live with it, damn it!
TRIPLE H vs. JOHN CENA for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
It looks like Triple H is hugely over, while Cena's practically getting booed out of the building. As the match starts, a "you can't wrestle" chant starts up for Cena. And to think that he's even getting this kind of hate without the strap in his possession. Cena and Trips lock up, and, you guessed it, Cena is locked into a headlock. WHY? Why does every single match have to start off this way? Why not a bitch slap? Some frightening dry-humping from the challenger? I'll take anything over a headlock! Cena whips Hunter off the ropes. Hunter delivers a hip toss and DX crotch chop. The match nearly comes to a screeching halt as they lock up once again, and yet another headlock is applied on Cena. Gawwwd. Cena counters into... a headlock. Trips sends Cena off the ropes, but Cena counters with a clothesline. Cena beats on Trips and whips him into the corner before delivering a fisherman's suplex, which gives me an awesome visual of a fisherman suplexing a beluga whale. Anyway, Cena goes for the pin, but Hunter kicks out at 2. The action spills to the outside for a brief moment. Back inside, Trips buries his knee into Cena's back. I was going to ask how the hell a knee on someone's back does any damage, but the name Nancy Benoit can definitely attest to this SHEER POWER. What? I had to get my first ever (I think) bad Benoit joke in sometime! Later on in the match (and when I say this, I'm not covering for the fact that I wandered off for a snack break) Cena has the STFU locked in as the ref checks for a submission. Hunter almost makes it to the ropes, but Cena pulls him away and applies his STFU harder. By harder, I mean he's applying it at the same strength, but with a more INTENSE look of, um, INTENSITY upon his face, which has one intensely square jaw. Hunter counters the STFU with a Crossface! Man, remember that guy who used to use the Crossface as his finisher? The crowd is going nuts as Hunter tightens the Crossface. Cena makes it to his feet and goes for the FU. Trips battles out with some elbows and manages to hit the Pedigree. Trips goes for the pin... 1, 2, and 3~! Great match.
WINNER: Triple H
Post-match, Cena walks off while looking like he's in pain. Lawler wonders if Cena tore his pec. Aaand this show is over!
Honestly, I thought the show was enjoyable where it needed to be. The ECW match wasn't as bad as I expected, but it was still God-awfully slow. And Mark Henry with a title? Can we say "compensation" for the whole Hayes thing? I'm sure Hayes will be pitching that the DVD for this show should be released with the name "NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS... AND MARK HENRY". Trips/Cena definitely seemed like a match-of-the-year candidate to me, so allow me to nominate that one for this year's Fanny Awards. Overall, I'll give this show a thumbs up.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).