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 TWF LOW BLOW

BY JOE MERRICK
11/12/05 

 

Fun Fact: Joseph Merrick was the same name as the Elephant man.
 
LOW BLOW!….I think?
 
Don’t ya love a bit of retro? Discovering something from the past that, at one time, was acceptable and normal, only to point and laugh at it in this day and age? Such a thing happened only this week. I was going through some old comic books that I read when I was a kid, you see. Just shit like the Dandy and Beano, stupid kids stuff. Batman and Spiderman this was not.
 
One character from the Dandy I came across was Desperate Dan. Still a favourite with kids today apparently. For those who don’t know, Dan was this big cowboy dude who had immense strength, but wasn’t entirely ‘up there’, as it were. However, his heart was in the right place.
 
Anyway, in this particular story, he accidentally knocks out some guy, without seeing it, and the guy who gets knocked out ends up covered in black paint.
 
Well, here’s what got me. Later on, Dan and his nephew come across the fallen cowboy, and exclaim ‘My, isn’t that queer! A black man laying in the middle of the street.’
 
You’d think that’d be bad enough. I mean, the guy’s lips are even distorted even though it was JUST BLACK PAINT. Oh no, it gets worse.
 
Later on, Dan’s nephew comes running in the room and tells Dan ‘Uncle Dan! That wasn’t a black man in the road at all! It was our neighbour, Mr. Clayton! I think you should see him, he’s at the train station’
 
Well, Dan goes, to find that Mr. Clayton now thinks he is a black man because of the knock on the head he got earlier thanks to Dan. Well, he sees Dan and greets him with ‘I’ll be going now Dan, I’m emigrating to my hometown of WONGA-BONGA LAND!’
 
My CHRIST.
 
It got me thinking. Ok, it isn’t exactly screaming ‘White Power’, but the blatant view of the black ethnicity being jungle people is SURELY enough to make you think 'What the Hell?'. I mean this is only as recent as the 70’s. Excluding satire or parody, you just wouldn’t see such blatant racism as this today.
 
Well, except when you watch wrestling.
 
Now I’m not gonna get all holier than thou, after all, the aspect of a ‘foreigner’ in wrestling has always been a cornerstone of the entire industry. Iron Sheik, Ludwig Borga, Nikolai Volkoff, to as recently as Rene Dupree, Hassan, and of course Sean’s boss, Booker Bear.
 
Despite its complete lack of ingenuity, it always gets what it’s after. Namely dumbass hicks giving the finger whilst slurring ‘USA! USA! USA!’
 
However, Vince, being Vince, is known to take things too far. It really wouldn’t surprise me if the following happened…:
 
*Vince is sat in the boardroom, when Coach comes in*
 
Coach: Uh, sir…some people are here to see you
Vince: Aw it’s not those damn JR fans again is it? Fuck sake I don’t care if you have a petition!
 
Coach: No, sir, it’s some wrestlers. They don’t seem to like the new gimmicks you gave them
 
Vince: Oh. Well, send them in.
 
*The Wrestlers come in and sit down*
 
Vince: Now. who’s going to start off with the complaints?
 
Lesnar: I dun't understund vhy yuoo gefe-a me-a a guddemn Svedeesh geemmick! I'm sooppused tu be-a scery! Peuple-a joost loogh!
 
Coach: No difference there then…
 
Lesnar: Foock yuoo!
*Coach cowers behind Vince*
 
Vince: Brock, Let me remind you that I could easily fire you again. Ever since you came back, you’ve only been talking about 3 things: You, yourself, and Cock.
 
Lesnar: CUCK?!
 
Vince: Oh, sorry, I meant Brock
 
Coach: Same thing….
 
Vince: How about a smorgasbord, Brock? That make you feel better?
 
Lesnar: BORK! BORK! BORK!
 
Heidenreich: Right, mate, right, I don't understand why I weren't given the German gimmick! Honest guv! I am of Nazi 'eritage after all! Oi! Wot’s the point in makin' me a cockney, then, mate? FINK ABAAHT IT!
 
Vince: Cockney is apt for you, seeing as you’re an embarrassment. Plus, The guy I picked does the German gimmick better than you.
 
Carlito: Das ist kool.
 
Coach: Anyone else have any complaints?
 
Viscera: Yes. I wish to comprain about this sirry accent you have given me. Plus, you go and make me Chinese, and force me to rern martiar arts? Why?
 
Vince: Because…that’s what Chinese do.
 
Viscera: No they don-!
 
Vince: Fine, Japanese. Same thing.
 
Daivari: Well, I appreciate you trying to ‘repackage’ me and my friend Mark Copani….but, well, I think he puts it best when he says…
 
Hassan: Forgeddabowdit.
 
Vince: Look, why all the bitching? You don’t see Hunter complaining.
 
HHH: Nine, nine belts! Ten, ten belts! AH AH AH!
 
Kane: Ach, laddy! Vince, if yah doornt dae somtin aboot it, Ah’ll put ye in batter and fry ye like Ah were when Ah were a lahd!
 
Vince: Coach…Bring in reinforcements
 
*Undertaker bursts in*
 
Undertaker: ‘MERICA! FUCK YEAH!
 
*Buries all the wrestlers in the room*
 
Vince/Coach: USA! USA!
 
Carlito: Das ist nicht cool!
 
Ya know, you have to consider that this wouldn’t be too far from the truth when it comes to Vince’s perspective on the rest of the world and these gimmicks he half-assedly churns out. It’s a terrible thing the world has tome to when people are hired for their nationality alone. Right, I’m going to get off my arse and jolly well nip on down to the bloody pub for a pint. Cheerio.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).