Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


Cameron Burge: Did I just get punked by Eric fucking Bischoff?


You know, apart from Renee, we don’t really get an insight into a woman’s view on wrestling do we? So, I thought I’d let my girlfriend give her take on wrestling at the moment:

Heya. Did u see RAW? Omg that wuz so funy and Im glad HBK wun cos hes HAWT lol. Gud thing JR wuz fired cos he iz ugly not like Cena omg y do ppl hate him I think their just jelus and plus hes just misundastud cos hes black.

…..What? Hey don’t judge me. She gives good head. Anyway after examining this female opinion, I have reached 3 conclusions:

There are two types of female fans. Ones who get it, and fangirls.

I need to stop prowling Justin Timberlake concerts just to get laid.

Vince McMahon is a WOMAN.

The Hell do I mean, you say? What I mean is, Vince must have grabbed the oestrogen instead of the Viagra and has become the opposite sex. And I don’t mean a Metrosexual, or a flaming homo, I mean a full-blown FEMALE.
There seems to be plenty of evidence to suggest it. Let me just say right now that women do have certain…’qualities’. Not all, mind, but a LOT OF THEM DO. Qualities that men neither understand nor care about half the time. Vince seems to have acquired said qualities. Let me display just a few examples:
1. Never letting go.
Ever had an argument with a woman? What’s that? You still ARE?! Well I suppose it isn’t that surprising. Let me put things in perspective. Only recently I had a bit of a spat with my old man. We were both in bad moods about something and he told me to ‘Shut the hell up whilst I watch the golf’ to which I replied:
“get that feckin’ stick out of your arse.”
To which HE replied:
“Fuck off you little twat”
Father-son bonding there. Anyway, we were obviously not too keen to talk to each other right after that. But barely an hour later, we were laughing and joking! No hard feelings, no awkwardness. In other words, WE MOVED ON.
Try that shit with a woman, like I did with an ex once:
Joe: Hey…
Neurotic bitch: Hi.
Joe: You ok?
NB: Yes. Why wouldn’t I be.
Joe: Um, yeah, uh..I dunno…
Joe: …you wanna watch TV?
NB: Well I don’t know! Maybe that stick is too far up my ass!
Joe: I thought you just said…
NB: Oh yeah, and I’M PREGNANT!
You she still didn’t let go, even after I moved to Australia? Crazy isn’t it?
Well same thing applies to Vince. The (Wo)Man just can’t seem to be able to move on. He keeps feuds going on for much longer than they should (JBL in the title picture, for example) and he brings up old feuds (flames?) for no reason at all (Austin/McMahon). Honestly I’m half expecting him to write a fucking blog:
Current Mood: Confused/Depressed :(
Listening to: No Chance in Hell performed by Greenday
I tried things with Steve again this year….I dunno if I should. We went down this road before so long ago…am I doing the right thing?
WillNeverDie: You go girlfriend! Deep post! Lol.
Kudos: 3
2. Paranoia
 This especially applies when the issue of weight is concerned. Just try to hint at implying that they’re not PERFECTLY SLIM. They’ll either run off crying to their friends about how INSENSITIVE you are, or rip your bollocks off.
Also, when it comes to weight they seem to have a bullshit code with each other, which I’m convinced that Vince(etta) used when hiring certain people…:
Vince: Well, Mr. Lance Cade, congratulations and welcome to WWE!
Cade: Thanks! Oh, uh…can my friend join me?
Creative: Uhm…well, where is he?
Cade: Here he is now.
*Murdoch walks in. Hotdog in one hand, Ice cream n the other*
Vince: You got the job!
Creative: …Uh, sir…
Vince: You don’t understand. I see him for his INNER beauty…
Murdoch: Thanks, sir! UUURP!
3. Attraction to sissies.
I swear to God, if I see one more skinny, weedy little fuck with a hot piece of ass holding his hand I’m going to snap him in half. There’s two main types of men these days. Metrosexuals and those ‘Down with the Scene’ types (Basically Emo or Goth). They’re skinny little bastards who wear all black, dirty and baggy clothes, with long black greasy hair, moley, zitty faces and wear makeup. Fags. And the girls will go for them because of their ‘sensitivity’. There’s sensitivity and being soft as a fucking daisy. What the hell are men coming to?
Anyway, back on-topic, Vince has the same longing for the sissy. He goes and fires JR yet keeps Josh Mathews? Have you heard his commentary on Velocity? Like a Bee Gee who’s been castrated. And on helium. And then of course, our old friend Tard Grisham. The epitome of Bitch. What makes Vince think we want to see these assholes? Except of course for the girls who think they’re ‘HAWT’. I dunno, maybe Vince just appreciates a softer and more sensitive outlook on a sport that involves PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
4.Size Does Matter.
People laugh at all types of things. Women laugh at little things. It’s a pity really but there you are…Anyway, you know where I’m going with this, so I’ll keep it simplified:
Women like it big
Vince hires Tomko, Viscera, Heidenreich and Lashley.
This links in with:
5.Compulsive Shopping
Often my female friends will ask me if I can go shopping with them, I always go in the vain hope that they want me to judge the lingerie they’re trying on. Nope, it’s just so they can ask me:
Girl: Hey, do you think I need a scarf?
Joe: Well, you have a perfectly good one on already, so…
Girl: You’re right...I need to buy a new sofa instead!
Vince has a roster of Benoit, Christian, Guerrero, HBK, and Kurt Angle. So what the hell made him think he needed Tomko, or Vito? Not enough big men in the leagues? Even the Heartthrobs. Sure you might need a tag division but you went with your feminine instinct and hired a pair of pansies with a gimmick that’s been seen before (And it had Billy Gunn in it, so what makes you think that we want to be reminded of it?)
Now I’m not all negative you know. I’m going to finish on an advisory note.
Memo to Vince: Man up, bitch.
Memo to Women: Sucking cream out of a straw is much easier than licking a dead fish. Just an FYI.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).