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TWF LOW BLOW
BY JOE MERRICK
10/23/05 

 

This week’s Low Blow is brought to you by TWF Loans:

Just left school?

No Job?

No Money?

Then fuck off.

Bah Gawd it’s the column that WILL NEVER DIE! It does get beat up on a regular basis though…

Anyway, there’s one thing I like more than writing, besides being a sex fiend (Trained by Master Carless, I was), and that is telling you a little something about myself. (I’m just that damn amazing).

Now, we all hate backyarders. You know, those little twits that powerbomb their goofy friends or little brothers onto trampolines and then are SHOCKED when one of them bounces off and snaps their neck in half on the curb. They then blame Vince McMahon, because obviously he sent out Benoit to put a Crossface on them if they didn’t emulate what they saw on TV.

This has nothing to do with today’s column, by the way. I just wanted to rant about those idiot fucksticks. Anyway, back in High School I actually knew some kids who went and created their own backyard ‘Promotion’. It had, like, 5 people in it. Bet Vince was shittin’ his pants. The funny thing was, was that they named it ‘TWF’. (Teen Wrestling Federation). Well, thinking about it the other day lead me to compare our own TWF to an actual wrestling roster, with our illustrious leader Sean at the helm. There are a lot of similarities if you think about it. Well that in turn led me to wonder. What if the wrestlers could write about us? What would they have to say? What if we had access to excerpts from their columns? And if you can’t get the hint to what today’s column is about, then you probably have the mental capacity of a backyard wrestler. Either that or you ARE one. If the latter, please go jump off a cliff. Actually don’t, otherwise your dumbass parents will sue Mick Foley or Barney the fucking Dinosaur.

Well, anyway, I actually did find something similar to what I imagined, so here are my favourite snippets:

Welcome to FTWF. Fuck The Wrestling Fan!

Column 1: The BLFK (Boringly Lame Fan Killer) by Jeff Jarrett

Am I the only one who thinks that current TWF Champion Sean Carless doesn’t deserve such a hefty push? Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet (I get Nash to do that) but I could write – and wrestle – rings around that guy. Back-Leg Frontkick? Pah. That’s nothing compared to the sheer devastation of the Stroke!

On a side note, I think it’s totally inappropriate for someone like him to be a worker as well as someone with authority. I mean, ok, his page gets more hits than I have fans, and he at least knows how to entertain, and…um..I lost my point…ah, he probably dresses like a fag anyway.

Column 2: The Lactic Teats by Nathan Jones

What the hell kind of doctor is this Gonzo anyway? You owe it to yourself not to overdo things! By the way, I’ll be making my milk rounds a little earlier tomorrow, so make sure to set those alarms, Boggo Road!

Columnist 3: Eugene

That Bacon guy stole my gimmick!

Column 4: The One Man Killerfro (Ok, you come up with better) by Orlando Jordan

Of all the most undeserved pushes for a newcomer I can’t think of worse than this Joe Merrick loser!

Column 5: The RAW Recap Recap by Eric Bischoff

…Cameron then describes how shitty the Linda Heel turn was. Have to disagree. I mean it’s not like you can trust him. He’s insisting he’s the REAL Inferno a little too suspiciously if you ask me…

Random Site Ad Thought: ‘I Hate Stuff’? Well I hate something too! YOUR SITE! HA! I went there!

Column 6: Tard Grisham with the BTK (Behind the Keyboard)

At this point, the stardom had taken its toll on Renee. She had chosen the dark road into….Satire. And…hey, wait! Where are you going? I’m not THAT annoying! Come on, I can be fun! Please?

Ok, maybe I am annoying.

Just a bit.

Column 7: The White Man and Caddy by Kerwin

Good to see all the Warrior bashing as of late. Honestly, what a random and retarded gimmick.

*The following is a post on the FTWF Forums:*

DestrucityMan: KERWIN DOESN’T MAKE THE WORLD WORK!!!

Ceneindahouse: Join my e-fed plz

DesrucityMan: STFU

Wow. Well, after finding this, I realised two things:

1) The wrestlers are just as bad writers as WWE Creative

2) It really isn’t that hard to make a wrestler look a complete fool, they do it to themselves. But, I feel TWF turns it into an art form. Accept no imitations! Hear that, guys? WE PWN!

…Yup.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).