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TWF LOW BLOW

BY JOE MERRICK
10/06/05 

Ok, folks, this week’s column isn’t so much of a Low Blow as it is a great huge kick in the knackers. See, there are two issues that I need to raise which are both the inspiration for this week’s column. First off…Oh, wait:

LOW BLOW!

Sorry, force of habit. Anyway first off, let me tell you about something that happened recently. Now, I can’t watch RAW or SD because I don’t have cable. Like many others, I’m forced to keep up with the results by reading WWE.com. However, I do have access to TNA (whoopee) in the form of TWC, The Wrestling Channel, which incidentally, is shite. The only things that are remotely worth watching are the occasional TNA PPVs and the lesbian porn they play at like 5am. Anyway one day I’m watching it (TNA, not the lesbians) and it was the King of the Mountain match at Slammiversary, I believe. I was bored, so I gave it a chance. Well suddenly my cousin (a non-wrestling fan) walked in and was puzzled to see AJ Styles walk down the aisle with a ladder. So he asked me “What’s the ladder for then?”

Well, there are a many number of answers to that aren’t there? The ladder can be metaphorical for a wrestler’s struggle and pain to get to the very top, climbing each rung of his career, to finally get the big prize. It can be the suspense it creates, wondering if the man will make it to the prize, or if he will fall. The visual of two men straining to reach for the win, bloodied by a hard-fought battle?

I replied “It’s to hit the other guy with’

Well, his inner-pretentious side emerged. “How can you watch this?! It’s so immature! It’s just two men in spandex groping each other!”. Think about this. Many wrestling fans have to put up with this. Thing is, if you dilute ANY sport to that extent, then it WILL sound pathetic.

Now couple this with fans, recently, giving up on wrestling because of this Dark Age it seems to have reached. Now, I’m not one to tell them what not to like of course, and if they wish to give up on it, then that’s fine, I won’t attack them for it, because wrestling, at the moment, DOES suck. It’s pretty obvious otherwise we wouldn’t be satirising it so much. However, there was a reason we got into wrestling in the first place wasn’t there? So this adds a sense of tragedy, the way I see it, because most of us have grown up watching wrestling. So, today, I have two objectives. One, to try and appease fans that are going off wrestling, because frankly, wrestling still kicks the ass of every other sport (watching them on TV, I mean). A bold statement? Absolutely. Two, I want to give a big ‘Fuck You’ to any non-fan who wants to make fun of me just because I want to watch wrestling.

I’ll kill two birds with one stone, hopefully, by telling you, dear readers ( I can hardly call you Low Blowers can I), by proving, once and for all, that despite all the shit Vince and Steph and whoever shovel in our faces each week, Wrestling is still the best sport to watch on TV. So let’s get this started.

Soccer

Rules: Two teams of eleven men must pass a ball to each other, working together, and score by kicking the ball into the net, guarded by a goalkeeper.

Basically: 22 grown men in shorts kick a ball around whilst 2 of the men must jump and grab the ball.

Note: I’m referring to it as Soccer, even though in UK we call it football. Makes sense really seeing as they spend most of the time USING THEIR FEET as opposed to carrying it as they do in American football. Go figure.

Compared to Wrestling?: You think wrestlers are bad actors? Try tapping a soccer player on the shoulder and see what happens. He will hurl to the floor, clutching his leg in sheer pain. He will then lay there for another 10 minutes before finally not one but two people lift him up. It will then take him several weeks to recover. Any ref who falls for this shit is a dumbass.
Also, it’s boring as fuck. In most wrestling matches, there are only two people involved, and yet you’re more likely to see more action out of them then 22 men on a soccer field following a white dot on the screen. The most skilful thing you DO see is a player tapping the ball from one foot to another, fooling a fellow player/jackass into thinking he was going to kick it away. How very deceitful.

Commentators: Rather than telling you about them, I’ll let them speak for themselves, shall I?

“ I’m going to make a prediction. It could go either way”

“It’s Chelsea 2, Arsenal 1. And if it carries on like this you have to fancy Chelsea to win”

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again”

“"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

“The ball was glued to his foot all the way to the back of the net”

“And now we see the familiar sight of Liverpool lifting the Cup for the first time”

I wish I was making this up. I really do.

Fans: Now, obviously, some fans are decent people. Not all of them are dumb, alcoholic, slow-witted thugs. But a lot of them fucking are. What could possibly possess you to actually punch, or even kill someone, just because they support a different team to you? Read that sentence again. If you happen to be one of these people, then read it yet again. And now read this. You are a fuckwit. I mean, have you ever heard of a wrestling riot? And I don’t mean some redneck hicks who throw bottles of beer at any heel they see, I mean have you ever heard this on the news:

Announcer: A riot broke out today between Cena fans and Jericho fans. It seems as though security broke down after a Cena fan told a Jericho fan he ‘couldn’t see him’ and so he responded with ‘you are an assclown’. We now go live to a drunken fan:

Drunken fan: What’sh that red light? Eh? Right. Well, it’s prinshiple! The Jericho fansh *Hic!* have no reshpect for what is obviously a rishing shtar! *Hic!* Aah fack off ya bastad!

Gonzo: Sheena shucksh!

No, I didn’t feckin’ think so.

Golf

Rules: Using a club, players must tactfully hit a small ball around a course and get it into 18 holes, using as less shots as possible.

Basically: Men in dodgy pants waddle around some fields, only stopping to bend over and hammer their ball.

Note: Well, I do play golf sometimes, because it is genuinely relaxing to play, but to watch is surely a form of torture.

Compared to Wrestling?: In wrestling, for one, you need athletic ability. The only wrestler who would look like he belonged on a golf course is Trevor Murdoch, who looks as though he ate Tammy Sytch. With large fries.
The slowest wrestling match still looks like Bruce Lee on Speed screwing a hooker in fast motion compared to golf. The least they could do is run to the next hole, the mundane bastards.
Commentators: Oh sweet mother of Pie they need to get a life. It’s almost as if they’re having the world’s slowest orgasm. They start off quiet, but then they kind of…escalate as the guy hits the ball:
“And, er…the wind is….blowing westward, I believe….Nicholas approaches the ball….taking his time….yes, that’s it..no rush…no rush at all….ha. ha. ha. and he swings…and it hits the ball! IT’S IN THE AIR…AND IN THE GREEN. Great shot. Great shot.”

Fucking HELL.

Fans: Mostly old people who can’t deal with fast-paced action so they stick to golf, fishing and fucking darts. As I said before, I don’t mind playing golf, but if this was the only thing on besides Reality TV, THEN I would gladly watch it.

Cricket

Rules: Fuck knows

Basically: Men in white uniforms run about a field for HOURS, boring the shit out of everyone.

Note: on behalf of the entire UK, I apologise for this abortion. You know what? I don’t care that England won the Ashes (OMG Blasfemy!!!1!11!!11!) because they won at a sport that sucks hairy nutsack. And what the hell kind of prize is that? The ashes of a dead guy in a cup? What if they did that in wrestling? Christian finally wins the title and then they sneak this on him:

Vince: Christian, we’ve decided to award you with something greater than the Heavyweight title

Christian: Really? Awesome!

Vince: Yes, here is Andre the Giant’s coffin. Enjoy!

Christian:…..

I’ll tell you another thing. During the final against Australia this year, England fans were reported to have wanted it to rain more, because apparently that would make it more likely for England to win (fuck knows how)……so basically, they wanted their team to win something that WE FUCKING INVENTED, and after nearly 20 years of losing at it, they wanted to win by a TECHNICALITY. Way to go, dicks, you really have faith in your team’s ability, eh?

Compared to Wrestling?: Jesus where do I start? How about how lazy the players are. Ok, you play for 3 hours. At first that would seem harsh, but it’s not exactly like you’re doing anything terribly punishing is it? All you do is run about, throwing or hitting a ball, then yelling ecstatically because some genius can catch it, before shuffling back to the start, and repeating. So what in rancid fuck makes you think you deserve a lunch break? I can understand a drink now and again, but a LUNCH BREAK?! A wrestling match isn’t as long but they do a lot more exertion then cricket players do. Imagine during a ladder match. Eddie is lay bloodied on the floor whilst RVD goes up top for the frog splash:

Eddie: Wait, I just need a quick sandwich and a drink

RVD: Oh alright, I’ll just wait up here

JR: Bah Gawd! How can he have mayo WITH mustard?! Eddie Guerrero is a SICK AND VILE HUMAN BEING!

You spoilt bastards.

And you think wrestlers have weird names? Gene Snitsky is poetry compared to cricket players, and most of the time it’s the English ones that are worst. It’s all weird shit like John R. Leftbollock or Frank McTittyfuck. It’s wrong if nothing else.

Commentators: Sweet SHIT I hate them. They celebrate the most mundane of activities, and laugh at their own crappy jokes.

“Freddie Flintoff is knocked out…I guess that means he was sent flintOFF!! Ha ha ha!”

Are these the same people who go online and say ‘yea wel UR GAY omg LAMO’

‘*LMAO’

Then, they bring in analysts…ANALYSTS! Why? What’s the point? What the flaming fuck do they have to contribute? ‘Yes well I noticed that the ball is shiny on one side but dusty on another. Conspiracy?’
Whoa, fuck me, laddy, you might have just uncovered a right doozy there. Asshole.

Fans: How can you bring yourself to ring in sick at work, just to stay at home and spend all day looking at close ups of a guy wiping spit-covered balls up to his crotch? I’d rather work 5 hours in a fucking turd refinery. Tell ya what. You like shining that ball up don’t you? Well you know what the Rock says to do when you shine something up. Oh wait, no you don’t because you don’t watch wrestling. You boring imbecile.

Ultimate Fighting

Rules: Knock out your opponent in a cage using your chosen martial art

Basically: Two men grapple each other on the floor and battle to be the first one to take the other guy’s pants off.

Note: On paper this is fucking great. I love beat-em-up videogames that have different fighting styles against each other (done properly of course) so this seems like the perfect sport for me, because it’s also real. However, this brings me to…

Compared to Wrestling?: See, this is why fake fights are better than real ones. In fake fights, you can do whatever the hell you want. Make it look good and you have yourself a classic. Real fights, well, they’re far less spectacular. It’s like in movies, actually. Take a fight scene out of, say, the Matrix. Now, of course, everyone’s sick of it, but at the time those fight scenes were revolutionary, and were a real spectacle to watch. Now compare that to a ‘realistic’ physical fight scene in a western, which invariably turned into a scene that featured a creature with two brightly coloured backs, four intertwining arms, four scurrying legs and no fucking head. Boring.
Now take Ultimate Fighting. They start off reasonably well, squaring each other up…then suddenly, one of them makes the HUGE MOVE of putting the other guy on the floor. Then for the rest of the match, all they do, is hug each other, one of them weakly slapping the guy on top. How epic.
And if it doesn’t go like that, it ends in 1.05 seconds after one of them is knocked out. It’s just nowhere near as entertaining as it should – and could – be.

Commentators: Almost as bad as the Cricket ones. They get so excited when one of them is on the floor (I mean the fighter, not the commentator). It’s not really much to get excited about is it? I mean it’s hardly a suplex off the top of a cage. It’s not even in the same league as a big boot. Especially the way they do it, they just…lift up your legs…and attempt to rape you. And the commentator goes ‘WOW the impact!’ It had all the impact of that video...what was it called? Oh yeah. 'When Snails COLLIDE 4'

Plus, look at the plus sides of Wrestling:
1. It lets you hit your boss. And if you make it look good, you might get a raise

2. Shane McMahon – Not a wrestler, more of a stuntman. Does a great lemming impression as he plunges 50 feet. Hey, if he could do it, how come Owen couldn’t? (Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to Hell I go…)

3. Divas – In small doses, they’re great, as they cause you to produce large doses

4. Two words: Ladder Match

5. Some of the gimmicks and storylines are so ridiculous that wrestling can provide an unintentional laugh of the year

So now, hopefully after seeing this, both fans and non-fans will see wrestling in a new light. This was simply an attempt at appeasing fans into not giving up on it quite yet, and also to shut the mouths of people who bad-mouth it on ridiculous grounds. I will, of course, go back to making fun of wrestling next week, after all, the day HHH becomes the 17-time champion is the only day I will give up on wrestling.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).