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TWF LOW BLOW

BY JOE MERRICK
09/25/05 

It’s back once more, the only column to leave a weird taste in the mouth, and a tingling in the groin... Welcome to the Low Blow!

First off I must apologise for my absence, I had to go abroad to visit 2 family members who had gone and got themselves in an accident, and then whilst I was there, I became ill myself. Word of advice…never have a milkshake in a hot country..you will live to regret it…

Speaking of regret, there’s one question that plagues me whenever I read of WWE’s shenanigans, and that is, does Vince ever regret anything? I mean, besides being guilty of helping to create Planet Steph. But for all his bravado, and his sheer pig-headedness, does the guy ever sit down, put his head in his hands, and think ‘Vince, you dick’?

I’m willing to bet he is over the Hassan fiasco. I won’t say anything on that, because frankly it’s been discussed to death, and there’s nothing much more to say on the subject. However, you gotta feel sorry for the guy. I can just imagine his meeting with WWE Creative:

Creative: So…from Michigan?

Hassan: Yep

Creative: I got it, we’ll make you an Arab!

Hassan: What?

Creative: Yes, perfect….”Mohammad Hassan”…

Hassan: But I’m not….

Creative: Go get ready, now

Hassan: You mean I’m another generic foreigner heel?

Creative: Yes, go join the others

Regal, Nunzio, Dupree: One of us! One of us! One of us!

Hassan: …crap.

Anyway, after all the other abominations that WWE has subjected us to, surely Vince must feel a pang of embarrassment when certain examples of said abominations are mentioned. One thing I certainly would regret is some of the firings that were made, which by the way always reminded me of that scene from the Simpsons when Homer is a football coach:

Vince: Kidman, cut. Maven, cut. Shannon Moore, cut. Jindrak, I like your vertical dropkick. That’s why it was so hard to cut you.

Jindrak: Damn Cruiserweights…

The reasons for me not approving of some of the releases is fairly obvious. Dudleys were my favourite tag team, and Kidman and Moore actually helped a Cruiserweight division exist.

Well, my sources say that Vince does in fact regret some of the cuts and has been discussing with executives on what to do about improving his product. In yet another LB exclusive, here is Vince’s desperation written for your viewing pleasure:

*Vince, JR, King, and WWE Creative are in a conference*

JR: Mr. McMahon, ratings are down

Vince: WHAT?!

JR: Fans don’t seem to appreciate JBL in title matches and countless Rey/Eddie encounters….bah gawd

Executive 1: Surveys show fans’ reaction to the recent match cards

Vince: And?

Executive 1: Ahem…*puts on reading glasses* “What the fuck is this shit?”

JR: Not good

King: May I suggest more PUPPIES!!!!!

Vince: Settle down…well, gentleman the writing is on the wall..looks like we’ll have to consider bringing people back. Perhaps we could persuade Nathan Jones to return?

JR: I doubt it. He has a good TV Deal in Australia

*Cut to*

Steve Irwin: Boy Croikey! ‘Aav a go at THIS, then! It’s an Australian Ape! Don’t worry though, I got nuffin to fear, these aanimals are very hostile, but are ‘armless

*Jones tries to kick Irwin but falls on his ass*

Irwin: Croikey! The interesting thing about this aanimal, is that they’re very solitary, they don’t like to move long distances, and as a result have become very sluggish. Like most Australian animals, it’s a marsupial!

*Jones gives milk to his young*

Vince: ENOUGH!

JR: Sorry

King: Milk? That comes from PUPPIES!

Vince: What about that other foreign guy?

JR: Akio?

Executive 1: Nah, I heard he was in a movie

*Cut to*

Akio: GAWDZILLA!!!!!!!

*Cut back*

Vince: Sigh….What about the Dudleys™?

Executive 2: No can do. They got a sweet TV deal too.

*Cut to*

Announcer: We now return to…the Three Artists Formerly known as the Dudleys™!

*Spike picks up a hammer and accidentally hits D-Von with it*

D-Von: Ow!

Spike: I’m sorry, D-Von!

D-Von: I’ll Murderlise ya! *Puts Spike in the Saving Grace*

Spike: Nyah-nyah-nyah!

Bubba: Yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk!

D-Von: Find something funny? *Hits Bubba around the head*

Bubba: Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop!

Vince: What the fuckdance frig is that all about?

JR: Best not to ask. We could try that Mordecai again?

Executive 1: Nope. He’s got his own thing going on

JR: What you mean?

*Cut to*

*Mordecai powerbombs a disabled person onstage*

Mordecai: By the light of GAWD he can walk!

*Cut back*

Vince: Yeah, best not to ask him back anyway…

Executive 2: We could try Matt Morgan? I mean, a 3rd debut? Who’ll notice?

JR: Sadly, no. He’s in the theatre

*Cut to*

Morgan: N-n-n-n-now is the W-w-w-w-w-winter of oooour D-d-d-d-d-discontent!

Audience member: We’re gonna be here a while…

*Cut back*

Vince: Sweet mother of….wait, I have an idea.

Executive 1: Yes?

Vince: Tone down all the cruiserweight matches…tell them they can’t do over the top moves.

Executive 2:..I fail to understand how that will improve ratings

Vince: We’ll then bring in Plan T

JR: Plan T?

King: TITS!

Vince: Yes, that’s right, another Diva Search. I mean who wants to watch cruiserweights doing backflips when they can see two women awkwardly slapping each other?

Executive 1: I don’t think…

Vince: May I remind you that all your contracts are running out soon…

………..

JR: I think it’s a great idea, bah gawd!

Executive 1: Pure Genius!

Executive 2: Wish I thought of it sooner!

King: PUPPIES!

On a more serious note, after considering the question of whether Vince truly regrets anything, I think he does. Look at his recent behaviour, forbidding the use of the Dudleys (Just try and sue me) name as well as Kidman, and Justin Credible. Would the name ‘Kidman’ being used outside of WWE really do Vince any harm? Of course not. These are the actions of a spoilt child who breaks another kid’s toys because he can’t have them. A bitter old bastard who has realised what a fuck-up his creation is right now. Frankly if I was him I’d be regretful too. However, you know what they say about regret, and that is it hinders you. So Vince, quit sulking over what you’ve lost and what is now unimportant, and get your ass into gear with what you do have. Otherwise it’ll be the death of your company that you’ll be regretting.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).