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TWF LOW BLOW

BY JOE MERRICK
09/04/05

‘Is there a reason you’ve been turning up for work late, Mr Merrick?’
 
‘Is there a reason your wife left you?’
 
Oooooo, that was a LOW BLOW!
 
Oh my sweet giddy aunt it’s back already! Yes, The TWF Low Blow! A head-on collision between wit, intelligence and vulgarity.
 
Now recently WWE has, quite frankly, been screwing us sideways. In particular I’m referring to the writing. Words alone cannot convey my utter despair at the tripe that’s being fed to us by WWE. Let’s take a look at what we have had to endure, shall we?
 
1. Rey vs Eddie, and the celebration that of the fact that Dominick’s mother is a bit of a slag. Way to go, Rey, you’re with a whore, and you’re kid ain’t yours. Score!
 
2. JBL ransacking title matches, HHH-style. He’s always going to be Bradshaw, no matter how much you think his character has developed. I actually feel violated when I see him in a title match.
 
3. Batista signing contracts every-fucking-which-way. I’ve never known any wrestler to sign as many contracts since Austin/McMahon. And in every single one, a fight breaks out. It’s beyond predictable.
 
4. Gene Snitsky having a foot fetish. Do I really need to explain this? Yes? Oh. Well just look at it. On paper it’s bad enough but the fact they went along with this shit really does provoke one to question not only the competence of the writers, but their sanity.
 
5. Most frustratingly, is Christian not only getting barely a push, but showing signs of a face turn. I know I’m not the first to point out that just because a guy gets pops, doesn’t mean they should be face, but Christian truly excels this point, because the fact that he was a bit of a bastard made his character.
 
Now most wrestling fans will think ‘yeah, well this is what I would do…’ and usually follow up with either an educated and interesting idea, or something completely fucking retarded. Not me. I decided to take it upon myself to actually do something about this travesty, and I applied for a job as a WWE Writer. Would I lie to you? I have the proof, right here is my interview with Vince McMahon himself. Ah, I spoil you don’t I? Yes I do.*knock knock*
 
Vince: Yes?
 
Joe: Er, hi. I’m…
 
Vince: shhh.
 
Joe: Huh?
 
*Vince makes a gesture towards the underneath of his desk*
 
Vince: Job interview
 
Joe:…Ooh. I get you. A Diva hopeful?
 
Vince: Actually, no.
 
*Lesnar’s head pops up*
 
Lesnar: Hello!
 
Joe: Holy-!
 
Vince: Don’t mind him. . Brock, get back to work. Please, have a seat.
 
Joe: Alright…
 
Vince: So…Joe Merrick, was it? Well we’re always willing to take on new writers. Tell me, what are your initial ideas?
 
Joe: well, sir…
 
Vince: please, call me Vince
 
Joe: Oh alright. Well, Vince, my first idea is to do with Smackdown. Oh by the way, sure was glad about the booking with Benoit at Summerslam. Anyway..
 
Vince: oh, that. Don’t you worry, we’ll fix it.
 
Joe: I’m sorry, what?
 
Vince: Well, what’s gonna happen there is, we’re gonna say that Benoit broke the ‘Cannot win a match under one minute rule’. Thus, OJ was cheated out of the title! He will then win it back, rightfully so, in a ‘Must defeat your opponent after an hour has passed match’. It’s BOUND to get him over!
 
Joe: I had no idea there was such a rule?
 
Vince: Oh but there is, because Vince McMahon says so!
 
Joe: But, fans can’t stand Jordan. I believe Benoit should move on, and have title feuds with perhaps Eddie Guerrero, maybe Christian.
 
Vince: “Move on”? We don’t work like that around here, pal.
 
Joe: What do you mean?
 
Vince: It’s common knowledge that the longer you keep something lasting, then the crowds will enjoy it more. Just look at JBL!
 
Joe: You can’t be serious.
 
*JBL’s head pops up*
 
JBL: Someone mention my name?
 
Joe: What…the…F-
 
Vince: Did I say you could stop?
 
JBL: Sorry *Goes back under* Hey, move over, Tomko
 
Joe:….!
 
Vince: Is there a problem?
 
Joe: Uh, no…no. I just feel a little confused. Kinda like Brutus Beefcake
 
*Cut to Brutus in prison*
 
Brutus: I don’t get it! I TOLD them it wasn’t anthrax! What the hell is the problem? Guys? Guys, you listening?
 
Nailz:…and this is the EXACT SPOT where Vince violated my body!
 
Neidhart: Get away from me
 
*Cut back*
 
(Joe’s note: yes, I had these flashbacks in my interview. It most certainly is not bullshit)
 
Vince: Ok, well, do you have any other ideas?
 
Joe: Well, actually yes. The Matt Hardy/Edge feud needs improving badly. Matt is seriously losing his credibility, let alone his heat…
 
Vince: Rightfully so! Damn computer nerd.
 
Joe: But, I thought you were seeing the advantages of the Internet? Matt’s online whining? Eddie hijacking Rey’s site?
 
Vince: Humph. Those were desperation ideas, and besides, Stephanie liked them.
 
*Steph’s head pops up*
 
Steph: That’s right!
 
Joe: DUDE! That’s just sick!
 
Steph: What? Oh no no! I’m holding my husbands hair back whilst he…you know
 
Joe: …I haven’t been this freaked out since I found out I had back hair
 
*Cut to*
 
Joe: I’M A FREAK!
 
A-Train: I share your pain, man
 
Joe: The hell are you doing in my house?
 
*Cut back*
 
Vince: That was an interesting flashback…
 
Joe: Quite.
 
Vince: You know, maybe I oughta bring ol’ hairy-ass back…
 
Joe: Look, Vince…
 
Vince: “Vince”?! It’s MR MCMAHON to you!
 
Joe: ….what? Look, I don’t think is gonna work out…
 
Vince: Oh yeah? Well it doesn’t matter anyway because YERRR FIIRRRED!
 
Joe: You haven’t hired me yet!
 
Vince: YERRR HIIRRRED!
 
Joe: What?!
 
Vince: YERRR FIIRRRED!
 
Joe: Damnit! Screw this!
 
Vince: Ow! Watch the teeth, Hogan.
 
Joe: Oh you have GOT to be KIDDING me!
 
Well, there you have it. My unceremonious encounter with the man who owns WWE. Ah well, I much prefer being a TWF writer. You actually get samples of the merchandise that Sean creates!
 
See ya
 
Joe
 
…Wait, WHAT?! They’re not REAL?! You mean I invested in that Ultimodium for NOTHING?! WHAT THE F-

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).