‘Is there a reason you’ve been turning up for work late, Mr Merrick?’
‘Is there a reason your wife left you?’
Oooooo, that was a LOW BLOW!
Oh my sweet giddy aunt it’s back already! Yes, The TWF Low Blow! A head-on
collision between wit, intelligence and vulgarity.
Now recently WWE has, quite frankly, been screwing us sideways. In particular I’m
referring to the writing. Words alone cannot convey my utter despair at the tripe that’s being fed to us by WWE. Let’s
take a look at what we have had to endure, shall we?
1. Rey vs Eddie, and the celebration that of the fact that Dominick’s mother
is a bit of a slag. Way to go, Rey, you’re with a whore, and you’re kid ain’t yours. Score!
2. JBL ransacking title matches, HHH-style. He’s always going to be Bradshaw,
no matter how much you think his character has developed. I actually feel violated when I see him in a title match.
3. Batista signing contracts every-fucking-which-way. I’ve never known any
wrestler to sign as many contracts since Austin/McMahon. And in every single one, a fight breaks out. It’s beyond predictable.
4. Gene Snitsky having a foot fetish. Do I really need to explain this? Yes? Oh.
Well just look at it. On paper it’s bad enough but the fact they went along with this shit really does provoke one to
question not only the competence of the writers, but their sanity.
5. Most frustratingly, is Christian not only getting barely a push, but showing
signs of a face turn. I know I’m not the first to point out that just because a guy gets pops, doesn’t mean they
should be face, but Christian truly excels this point, because the fact that he was a bit of a bastard made his character.
Now most wrestling fans will think ‘yeah, well this is what I would do…’
and usually follow up with either an educated and interesting idea, or something completely fucking retarded. Not me. I decided
to take it upon myself to actually do something about this travesty, and I applied for a job as a WWE Writer. Would I lie
to you? I have the proof, right here is my interview with Vince McMahon himself. Ah, I spoil you don’t I? Yes I do.*knock
Joe: Er, hi. I’m…
*Vince makes a gesture towards the underneath of his desk*
Vince: Job interview
Joe:…Ooh. I get you. A Diva hopeful?
Vince: Actually, no.
*Lesnar’s head pops up*
Vince: Don’t mind him. . Brock, get back to work.
Please, have a seat.
Vince: So…Joe Merrick, was it? Well we’re
always willing to take on new writers. Tell me, what are your initial ideas?
Joe: well, sir…
Vince: please, call me Vince
Joe: Oh alright. Well, Vince, my first idea is to do
with Smackdown. Oh by the way, sure was glad about the booking with Benoit at Summerslam. Anyway..
Vince: oh, that. Don’t you worry, we’ll
Joe: I’m sorry, what?
Vince: Well, what’s gonna happen there is, we’re
gonna say that Benoit broke the ‘Cannot win a match under one minute rule’. Thus, OJ was cheated out of the title!
He will then win it back, rightfully so, in a ‘Must defeat your opponent after an hour has passed match’. It’s
BOUND to get him over!
Joe: I had no idea there was such a rule?
Vince: Oh but there is, because Vince McMahon says so!
Joe: But, fans can’t stand Jordan. I believe Benoit
should move on, and have title feuds with perhaps Eddie Guerrero, maybe Christian.
Vince: “Move on”? We don’t work like
that around here, pal.
Joe: What do you mean?
Vince: It’s common knowledge that the longer you
keep something lasting, then the crowds will enjoy it more. Just look at JBL!
Joe: You can’t be serious.
*JBL’s head pops up*
JBL: Someone mention my name?
Vince: Did I say you could stop?
JBL: Sorry *Goes back under* Hey, move over, Tomko
Vince: Is there a problem?
Joe: Uh, no…no. I just feel a little confused.
Kinda like Brutus Beefcake
*Cut to Brutus in prison*
Brutus: I don’t get it! I TOLD them it wasn’t
anthrax! What the hell is the problem? Guys? Guys, you listening?
Nailz:…and this is the EXACT SPOT where Vince
violated my body!
Neidhart: Get away from me
(Joe’s note: yes, I had these flashbacks in my interview. It most certainly
is not bullshit)
Vince: Ok, well, do you have any other ideas?
Joe: Well, actually yes. The Matt Hardy/Edge feud needs
improving badly. Matt is seriously losing his credibility, let alone his heat…
Vince: Rightfully so! Damn computer nerd.
Joe: But, I thought you were seeing the advantages of
the Internet? Matt’s online whining? Eddie hijacking Rey’s site?
Vince: Humph. Those were desperation ideas, and besides,
Stephanie liked them.
*Steph’s head pops up*
Steph: That’s right!
Joe: DUDE! That’s just sick!
Steph: What? Oh no no! I’m holding my husbands hair back whilst he…you
Joe: …I haven’t been this freaked out since
I found out I had back hair
Joe: I’M A FREAK!
A-Train: I share your pain, man
Joe: The hell are you doing in my house?
Vince: That was an interesting flashback…
Vince: You know, maybe I oughta bring ol’ hairy-ass
Joe: Look, Vince…
Vince: “Vince”?! It’s MR MCMAHON to
Joe: ….what? Look, I don’t think is gonna
Vince: Oh yeah? Well it doesn’t matter anyway
because YERRR FIIRRRED!
Joe: You haven’t hired me yet!
Vince: YERRR HIIRRRED!
Vince: YERRR FIIRRRED!
Joe: Damnit! Screw this!
Vince: Ow! Watch the teeth, Hogan.
Joe: Oh you have GOT to be KIDDING me!
Well, there you have it. My unceremonious encounter with the man who owns WWE.
Ah well, I much prefer being a TWF writer. You actually get samples of the merchandise that Sean creates!
…Wait, WHAT?! They’re not REAL?! You mean I invested in that Ultimodium
for NOTHING?! WHAT THE F-