Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


YES! Like a hairdryer to the pubes, it’s the LOW BLOW! And of course, it has been a while since we felt the jarring yet somehow comforting strike to the nether regions. Blame it on the Jews. Everyone does. (Sorry Gersh)


Either way, I have been racking my brains on how to entertain YOU, the fans, for my one-year anniversary here at the Fan. Of course, it occurred to me that I should tackle this with a completely new approach! So I decided to do….. a TWF Parody! So here we- AGH! ARGH! Stop throwing objects at me! Fine, fine, I’ll do something else. Assholes.


With that being said, a lot has taken place within the wrestling world since I last dropped to a knee and shot the inner arm to the testicles (Cos it’s a low blow see? Haha, I make myself laugh heartily) There has of course been the recent arrival of ECW, featuring a guy who was dead and buried for YEARS, brought back to life as it were, simply to get his ass kicked. Poor Zombie. Either way, considering that WWE of course has DX doing their monkey impression by flinging feces, Smackdown having a black hole wrestle and injure people (Surely Mark Henry should have gotten the ring name ‘Abyss’?) and ECW sicking Sandman on fancy dress shop customers, you have to wonder if Vince only recently found out that Wrestling originated as a Carnival event. Although to be fair, they have done wonders for rejuvenating the Big Show:


*Cut to*


Vince and co. over an operating table


Vince: Ok, we have the technology….but I spent the budget on the Diva Search. Any ideas?


Coach: Well, JR is always saying he has toasters for hands, right?


Lawler: Hey, hey, let’s give him eggs for fingers!




Shane: Hey, just for shits and giggles, let’s replace his ass with a ham.


(More snickering)


Vince: No, wait, guys, I got it. A George FOREHEAD Grill!




Show: Um, I’m awake?


*Cut back*


Nevertheless, despite having to recap one of these shows, I dared to explore for more. What alternatives are there?  Sunbathing? Cycling? Hosting a BBQ? Getting a job? NO SIR. The most obvious answer is of course...getting laid. But I thought I’d give TNA a try instead. Totally my own decision.


Problem is, I didn’t know all that much about TNA. Some of you who will remember my recent TNA recap will recall that I didn’t know what in buttfuck people were going on about. With this in mind, I decided to interview some fans, with my inquisitive questions:


‘So, who is this “James Gang” fellow?’


‘Rhino’s promo was awesome. Pity WWE doesn’t acknowledge you guys’


‘Who the hell are the heels apart from Jarret?’


‘It’s awesome how Petey Williams’ opponents can piledrive themselves like that, don’t you think?’


‘What nationality is Samoa Joe? Aha, I’m just kidding. No, there’s no need to get up….AGH MY SPLEEN’


After the surgery I decided this was not the best method to infiltrate and explore the TNA Universe (A place where music is never audible, and people do backflips just to open pickle jars) I then learned however, of a ‘TNA Induction Programme’ although it was actually spelt ‘TNA iNDUCTION!’ but there you go. It turns out there were plenty of schmucks like me, wanting to get to know the alternative a bit better and to give it a chance.


Little did I know what I was getting myself into.


But first, a word from our sponsor:




Tired of the same old meals every day? Want something a little different? Then visit the Great Khali’s Punjabi Platter Prison! Don’t know what that means? Apparently neither do we!


Khali: Hi there, if you’re like me, you want something to fill that 4-foot stomach of yours! However, why settle for mere food, when you can have a FEAST! Like my Funaqi Masala, full of nutrition and Asian cuisine.

*Khali approaches a customer*


Khali: Did that satisfy you, sir?



Khali: See! Why don’t YOU come down and have a great time! And remember, ‘if it’s good enough for….KHALEEEEE, it’s good enough for me!’


Announcer: Warning: The Great Khali does not accept responsibility for likely events of Death, Concussion, or more Death.




Aaaaand we’re back. As I was saying, I joined the TNA induction program in order to learn more about it. I was joined by like-minded individuals, who also desired the same things that I did. Sex. With a woman. Figures.


Much to my surprise, though, we were greeted by Mister Mike Tenay himself!


Tenay: Hello there, my name is-




Tenay: ….Well,. that brings me to our first order of business. There is only one rule in this cult...I mean, course. Yes, subtle, Mikey. And that is, ‘No marks’. Any questions?


Guy at the front: So, which is better, the RKO or the FU? I totally think FU.


Tenay: As do I.


*Pulls a lever that sends the mark into a pit*


Tenay: We will have NO Orton fans here.


Joe: Hey that’s a little harsh. Orton’s not that bad, he just hangs out with the wrong crowd.


*Cut to*


Edge: Hey, Randy, watch this *Dials on his cell phone* …Hey Matt? Yeah have you De-fragged your computer lately? You have? Well, bet you haven’t DE-FAGGED YOURSELF *Hangs up* Keeheeehee!


Orton: Paahahahahaa! Hilarious. Oh yeah hey man, there a toilet around here?

Edge: Uh, just use Lita’s bag, she won’t mind. She’s used to bodily functions, trust me.




*Cut back*


Joe: True story.


Tenay: Yes, anyway, welcome to the TNA iNDUCTION ZOOONE! Here we will teach you the very basics of TNA fandom. What you need to know, and how to use it when you go to one of our shows. First off, we will go through what makes TNA so great. Who here has watched an episode of Impact?


A few hands go up


Tenay: Alright then, a few of you. Let me ask you this. What do you think of the theme music?


Joe:…. What theme music.


Tenay: EXACTLY! Music simply detracts from the attention a wrestler should be given! I mean, I’m sure most of you, like me, have been too caught up in singing along to the songs, to actually pay attention to the entrance?


Class: …..


Tenay: Moooving on….


Class member: You not the lady to mess with then, Tenay? Heh.




Tenay: I love this job. Anyways, I shall now take you on a tour of the backstage area of a typical TNA show, so if you will please all follow me.




We interrupt this column to bring you….Josey Scott from Saliva singing Triple H’s theme.


Josey: Yeah…bow down to the motherfucking king, y’all. Just like me he ROSE FROM RAGS AND GOT TO THE RICHES, and on the way he LAID SOME BITCHEEEEEES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!


We will now resume our scheduled Low Blow. Thank you.




Tenay: This here is the cafeteria where the roster gets to hang out and of course get refreshments.


Daniels: Hey AJ, can you pass the salt?


AJ: Sure. *Does a 900 degree flip onto the table, grabs the salt, and does a double backflip pike into a sitting position* Here.


Daniels: Thanks.


Cage: Hey assholes! Gimme your milk.


Daniels: Aren’t you supposed to be a face?

Cage: Um…no..wait, I don’t know. I thought AJ was.


AJ: No, I’m sure it was Abyss…or Petey?


Daniels: Well Jarret is heel…


Cage: Well, yeah, but duh, you know?


AJ: Hey isn’t Chris Harris one?


Cage/Daniels: Who?


AJ: You know, the one who does that weird flip.


Daniels: Uh…which one?


AJ: The one who does all the athletic shit.


Cage: Steiner?


AJ: …Aaaah haha, you so funny, Cage.


Tenay: Moving on, here you will find the dressing rooms.


Tour member: Hey, is that pink frilly one Christy Hemme’s?


Tenay: No, that’s Jeff.


Joe: Hardy?


Tenay: No…


(Voice from inside)




Tenay: Ah…hem. No one saw THAT coming did they.


Mark: I don’t get it.


Tenay: You wouldn’t. Fuckhead. Ah! Here is The Alpha Male’s dressing room!


Joe: It…it’s a cage.


Tenay: What? Not enough SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT for you? Huh? How about I feed him fucking zebras?


Joe: This is so wrong.


Brown: Kill…me…


Tenay: ANYways, that’s enough touring for today, let’s take you to the dorms so you can rest up! Tomorrow is a big day for us!




To be completely honest, I wasn’t satisfied. Something didn’t seem right. So I decided to scout out the place on my own, and see if I could dig anything up. Besides Sting’s career. Haaa snap, snap.


Anyway, I managed to sneak past Don West’s dorm (Who actually audibly yelled the word SNORE in his sleep, for fuck sake) and came across Mike Tenay’s office….or as it said on the door ‘NOT SEAN CARLESS SO STFU’. Man, some people just can’t take a joke.


Inside, I found the usual cliché shit you see in an office…but wait. Something caught my eye. A large, leatherbound book. It had the TNA logo on it and…was that a crucifix?


Joe: GASP.


Tenay: You are right to gasp, my friend.


Joe: GASP!


Tenay: Yes, tis I! And you just stumbled across the biggest discovery since…um…dinosaurs.




Tenay: Will you stop that?


Joe: I’m asthmatic, asshole.


Tenay: Oh, sorry. Wait. I mean, SILENCE. Look, I’ll have to hand it to you, you seem pretty formidable, and you certainly know your stuff.


Joe: What’s a Muscle Buster?


Tenay: …Don’t ruin the moment. Listen, seeing as you’re here, and you just saw that book…the Tome of TNA…I feel obliged to tell you the…’Truth’ Behind TNA.


Joe: I already know that! I know that one!


Tenay: What?


Joe: Ron Killings right? I’m sure that’s the right guy.


Tenay: …are you pretending to be that dumb? Listen, I’ll tell you our company’s secret, but first, you must first swear one thing…


Joe: What’s that….




Joe: Oh for God’s sake, FINE already, just tell me this damn ‘truth’.


Tenay: Ok…well, if you were to read that book, you would realise the true origins of TNA’s creation, and its fans. You see…


Many years ago, an evil tyrant ruled the land, and made life utterly miserable for true wrestling fans. He was called, Lord Cenu. He brainwashed fans with images of hip-hop and stupid cartoon rap, and then released them, onto the Internet.


There, the fans (or Cenu marks) latched themselves onto the smarks and internet fans, causing all their pain, problems, and negative emotions. The smarks wandered the earth, terrorised by the wrath of Cenu’s armies…until, one day, TNA arrived. The smarks then had a sanctuary for them to appreciate true wrestling, and not Sports Entertainment. A place where just because a guy is Samoan, doesn’t mean he’s got a head made of adamantium. It is the closest to paradise a wrestling fan can get.


Joe: Woooah…


Tenay: So, with that said, Mister Merrick, having heard this truth, you are now a proud member of our cult. A TNAtheist.


Joe: GASP.


Tenay: Asthma?


Joe: Nah. Shock.


Tenay: Ah cool. Anyway, as a new member, you are welcome to join our protests! *Holds up a sign saying GOD HATES MARKS*


Joe: …


Tenay: And have you heard of the new video game in production?


*Cut to*


Jeff Jarrett: GET OVER HERE!


Christian: No! Not my title! Please!


Announcer: Career Fatality.


*Tenay’s head pops onscreen*


Tenay: Toastee!


*Cut back*


Joe: Heh, that is pretty awesome. But look, you can’t be serious. I mean, sure, WWE is shit and everyone knows it, but TNA is hardly a sanctuary.




Joe: Oh come on, dude. I mean yeah, the matches are awesome, most of the time, but how are you supposed to be interested if neither man has a character beyond the usual cut and paste heel or face? Even then, no one knows which is which.


Tenay: Well…


Joe: And another thing. Yah, ok, Daniels/AJ/Joe are great three way matches, but what is the POINT of AJ interrupting a pin attempt by taking the trouble to climb the top rope to hit a corkscrew?!


Tenay: Um, I…


Joe: Nothing against TNA for the sake of it, but until people push it to improve its flaws, it’s not going to get better anytime soon, which is what it DOES need, you know.


Tenay: I guess, but…


Joe: TNA is better than WWE at matches, yes, but how can anyone sit there and act like it’s an act of Jesus?


Tenay: Oh we don’t use that word here. We prefer to refer to him as ‘Samoa Joe’. Here’s a bumper sticker.




Tenay: Clever, huh?


Joe: So the devil is Jeff-


Tenay: Jarret, yes.


Joe: Figures. Anyway, I’m outta here. I’ll enjoy being a casual fan of TNA’s, but I sure as hell won’t pretend it’s perfect just because it has 30% more backflips. It needs a lot of improvement you know.


Tenay: Oh, I’m afraid you can’t back out now. You know our cult’s truth, and we can’t have you ruining our shit for us. Team 3D, away!


Joe: Holy shit it’s the Dudleys!


Ray: No! He said the word!


Joe: What? Dudleys?


Devon: AGH! Being…sued…money…wasting away…


Tenay: How did you know their one weakness!


Joe: Dude, screw this, I got a recap to do *slams door*




*Door opens*


Joe: Say, um…you have any ideas who I should have as a guest?


Tenay: Me?


Joe: …I’ll ask someone else. Bye.



And lo, Joe did rid the world of the TNA marks, opening people’s eyes to the realisation that TNA HAS ITS FAULTS.







LOOK! More words! That’s right, it’s not over yet, friends! For you see, to celebrate my full TWO ARCHIVE PAGES OMG at the Fan, I decided to finally post the column that got me the job in the first place, all those months ago in the Satire search. So yes, all you guys who kinda just come to terms with me beating you? Feel free to despise my guts all over again! Just to try to keep in mind that it’s a year old, ok? Awesome.





The Low Blow Featuring Joe


The Trash Channel Presents: Nay-time TV! Here is your host, Nay!


Nay: Hello and welcome to Nay-time TV! Today’s subject is


*music jingle*


‘WWE’ve Had Enough!’ We will be talking to WWE superstars as well as some special guests and try to settle their grievances. First up, Mr. Hardcore Holly!


Holly: Hello there


Nay: Welcome to the show, bitch


Holly: Thank..what?


Nay: Sorry, force of habit. Now I understand that you’re having problems with a certain Frenchman?


Holly: Well yes, you see the story is-


*A car crashes into the studio*


Nay: What the…?


*Dupree staggers out*


Dupree: Bonjour monsieur! Sorry I’m late!


Holly: Oh God DAMMIT! Not again!


Nay: well, we better get this cleaned up…We’ll be right back after these messages




 Announcer: Tired of people breaking into your car? Then get the Masterlock! Guaranteed to secure your car door and break the nose of anyone who tries to unlock it without authorisation. Don’t just take out word for it though!


Steven Richards: The Basterlock certainly does work. I tried breaking it and bah dose got busted



So go ahead, pick up that phone and order now! Phone 0800 – U – NO – BREAK


 Warning: may damage careers that are already tarnished


*Back to the show*


Nay: welcome back! Onto our next guest (because the other two were boring) please welcome Mr. Matt Hardy


Hardy: Greetings


Nay: Pleasure to meet you. Now, Matt, as I understand, your whole life has been turned upside down by recent events?


Matt: yes, Nay. You see, my long-term girlfriend, no, the love of my life, cheated on me with my best friend. And on top of that she denied her Mattitudian faith.


Nay…Er, yes, this must have been terrible for you. So let’s bring them out!


*Lita and Edge stride out. Lita tries to hold Edge’s hand but he keeps snatching his away so he may grasp a strange briefcase*


 Lita…Hey, Nay


 Nay: Hello, Lita. Now why did you do this?


Lita: oh come on now Nay. You’re a woman too, and you know that we women have needs. Am I right ladies?


*The crowd reacts. Women cheer. Men Boo. A ‘You Screwed Matt’ chant is started…by Matt*


Lita: Plus, Edge is really sweet


Edge: You’re my precious….


 Lita: See?


Edge: I was talking to the case


*Cut to Kane sat at home in front of the TV watching the show*


Kane: *Sniff* At least I still have you…*cuddles a dead foetus*


*Back to the Show*


Matt: How can you sit there and talk like that? Not only did you do this, but also I ended up getting fired because of it. You have any idea what it feels like to be fired by Vince McMahon?


Edge: Oh I bet it ain’t so bad


 *A potted plant whizzes past Edge’s head*


Edge: Nay, come on, look at him. He could have any girl he wants, he should quit whining. *his huge teeth fall out*…… oh, shon of a-


Nay: Look, Edge, I’m not really the person to ask. But I know who is! Please welcome our very own psychiatrist, Dr Gonzo!


Gonzo: hello


Nay: Doctor, what would you suggest?


Gonzo: Wellsir, *chugs 6 pints of Guinness*, seems to me, that *drinks 12 White Russians* ….uh…these people….need to..*drinks 10 kegs of whiskey*…oh, oh……that these people need to…..*looks up with glazed eyes*….grandma? *collapses*


 Nay: thank you doctor! You heard him, people. Now onto the next guest!


Matt: That didn’t help at all! What the hell is this? Oh you know what? I’m just gonna do more nasty web pages about you both. That’ll show you!


 Lita: *rolls her eyes* oh go ahead, Matt


Edge: You mean he’sh already done shome?


*Takes a laptop out of the case and browses on it*




 Nay: Next Guest, Please!!! *the trio are lead away*


Nay: now please welcome Mr. HHH and Mr. Vince McMahon


Vince: hello


HHH: Hello, mortal


Nay: now, you two have no idea why you are here do you?


Both: nope


Nay: well, it seems that you have a couple of enemies, boys


HHH: impossible. I have vanquished all my enemies. Because daddy says so


Vince: HHH what have I told you? Not in public


HHH: sorry


Nay: I beg to differ. Please welcome Mr. Harry Simon


*Mr. Simon walks onto the stage, a calm serious look on his face*


HHH: and just who the hell is this?


Simon: Show some respect, you


HHH: and why should I?


Simon: One, because I’m onto your shit, just like every other fucker who has ever had WWE on their TV screens. Two, I am all-knowing.


Vince: Are you freaking serious?


 Simon: Isn’t it true, Mr. HHH, that you have buried more than half the roster simply to stroke your huge ego that is only matched in size by your nose?


HHH:……I don’t know what you’re talking abou-


Simon: Case #27. In 2000 you buried such names as Chris Jericho as well as Tazz. Case #45. In 2003 you buried Kane, Goldberg, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, as well as all the other years, and other wrestlers. RVD, Randy Orton…..


HHH: …..


*Nay stops staring blankly*


Nay: oh, sorry, thought I was watching Law & Order. Mr. Simon, you have come here to stop HHH’s egotistical ways?


Simon: actually, no. I came to persecute him with my vast Wresting knowledge


HHH: loser


Simon: loser? Aren’t you the one who humped a pillow in your friend’s apartment on the 27th July 1991 in Greenwich Connecticut?




*Vince sniggers*


Simon: anyway, no, Nay. I brought someone with me to stop HHH


*Sean Carless runs out and lunges for Vince and HHH*


HHH/Vince: *In unison* Oh no! a fat 12 year old!


*Mr. Carless proceeds to hit HHH with a Back-leg Front kick*


Carless: That's for your crappy promos!


*Vince with an Overhanded Uppercut*


Carless: And that's for your ECW invasion!


*HHH and Vince lay on the floor, baffled by Mr. Carless’ seemingly impossible movements, as well as being dazed by being hit by a foot and fist respectively in their shit-filled mouths*


Dave Gagnon stands up in the audience


Gagnon: OWNED!


Simon: The Observer's thumb...........................is up!


Nay: Ok, time to wrap this up. Time for my Final Thought!


*Music jingle plays as HHH is still being mauled in the background. Nay sits on a stool in the centre of the screen*


Nay: We all have weird, and sometimes inadvisable ideas. It’s natural. Whether it’s cheating on your boyfriend, wrecking someone else’s car or giving your son-in-law GOD status. But just remember one thing. No idea is as fucking stupid as another freaking Diva Search. Just a Thought. Farewell for now, bitches!


Announcer: join us on next week’s show, which is entitled ‘WWE’ve run out of WWE related puns’! Where WWE Superstars will be trying to give up their bad habits


Orton: Look, the bag was open and the gents was nowhere to be found.


RVD: Dude, what you talking about? I don’t have a probl-...Oh My God a squirrel!


Viscera: It’s not my fault I thought Lillian was a piece of KFC *Burps*


Yup, I got a job with a TWF Parody. I always ruled, huh? Here’s to another year!



Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).