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TWF LOW BLOW
BY JOE MERRICK
03/18/06 
 
Time for Joe’s Opinion!

Yes, sirs and madams, this week, I’m going to opt not to do satire, as really, you know, who reads that stuff? I mean sure it’s what makes the site so popular, and it’s the reason I was hired in the first place, as with most of, if not all, the other writers, and it is what the site is founded on….and it is a suitable way to express opinion as well as humour BUT sometimes you just need to write a column about what you THINK, because that is what is important, whether you praise or shred the subject….that and lack of material.

Anyways, ya, wrestling sux teh ballz at the moment. Anyone else noticed this? You have?!  So I don’t need to write about it because it’s already common knowledge? Deary me. Well I will anyway.

See, everyone knows the last golden age was the Attitude Era, back in the 90’s, of course. Obviously, everything was hunky dory back then, with great angles, fresh characters and good to excellent matches at PPVs.

So it got me to thinking…what if today’s wrestling was a little bit more like the 90’s…

*Cut t-*

NO! No no no wait a second, I said I wasn’t going to do satire!

…Ah fuck it. It’s just so damn easy when you have talent. Anyways, today I present to you…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A 90’S WRESTLER WHEN…

…Vince and Shane McMahon are Lab mice

Vince: Gee, Shane, what you wanna do tonight?

Shane: Same thing we do every night, Vincey. TRY TO MAKE FANS ACCEPT OUR BULLSHIT

Announcer:  They’re Vincey and the Shane,

                      They’re Vincey and the Shane

                      One thinks he’s a genius, the other’s insane…

 

Edge and Lita work at the Quick Stop store:

Edge: So how many guys you slept with?

Lita: Didn’t we have this conversation once?

Edge: Maybe, I can’t remember. How many?

Lita: Including you?

Edge: It better be up to and including me.

Lita: 35683

*Edge spears Lita*

Lita: What the hell was that for?!

Edge: You’re a whore!

Lita: Why’d you spear me?

Edge: Do you know how many women I’ve slept with?

Lita: Do I get to botch a hurricanrana on you after you tell me?

Edge: 3

Lita: Wow great, that’s something to be proud of.

Corino: That’s beautiful, man…take it easy alright? *Leaves*

Lita: That was Goldenballs

Edge: Why you call him that?

Lita: Oh, Francine made it up. It’s an ECW thing. He likes to whip his dick out and piss on you, they call it goldenshowering, I guess…

Edge: Man, Francine can be talked into anything

Lita: Why you say that?

Edge: Like you said, he goldenshowered her

Lita: uh, no, he did it to me.

Edge: yeah right

…....

Edge: YOU LET HIM PISS ON YOU?!  You said you had sex with…a lot of guys! You never mentioned him!

Lita: Edge, I-

Edge: How many?

Lita: ….something like..36?

Edge: THAT INCLUDING ME?!

Lita: ….37.

Edge: My girlfriend got pissed on by 37 guys!

Christian: In a row?

Matt Hardy: You have highly offended me! I don’t know if sorry can make up for it!

 

…There’s a Mighty Morphin Cruiserweight Division

Paul London: We’ve gotta defeat Stepha Obesa and her evil horde of hosses!

Stepha: GROW MY PRETTIES! TAKE THE STEROIDS AND GROW!

 

…MNM features the Dude

Mercury: Melina probably raped herself.

Nitro: Whaddaya mean, dude?

Mercury: World champions do not do this.

Mark Henry: That fuckin’…bitch

Mercury: It’s like Lenin said. You look for the person who will benfit, and uh..uh..

Nitro: I am the walrus.

Mercury: You know what I’m trying to say.

Mark Henry: That fucking…bitch.

Nitro: I am the walrus.

Mark Henry: That’s…Shut the fuck up, Johnny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

Nitro: The fuck is he talking about?

Jesus Lawler: Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

Mark Henry: ….8 year olds, dude.

 

 

You know, as much improvement as this would be to the WWE, I dare say TWF could do with a 90’s makeover too…

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Writers!

 

Jamesatello: Wait, me, Raphael Inferno and MichaelanJoe are all teenage...but Seanardo isn’t!

MichaelanJoe: Nah, he just looks like one

Naypril O’Neil: LOL

Seanardo: STFU. There’s evil afoot, we’ve got to defeat the diabolical SHREDDER~!

*Cut to Shredder*

Remy: Look, TNA matches are just too damn short!

REMY IS A HALF-WIT. WRITER POWER!

Joe

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).