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Be Warned…

Kids, today’s column is not, I repeat, NOT for the weak of heart.

You see, in every type of profession, one must be prepared to really prove oneself, and make it known that they are more than fit for the business they have chosen to profess in, whether it be making a sacrifice or simply going balls to the wall to make a difference.

Well, this week, I have taken upon myself to do that very thing. I am doing the writer’s equivalent of Randy Orton at Backlash ’04, and jumping into the thumbtacks.

For you see, I am recapping. Recapping a video like last time? Or taking over for a show recap like BaconJames and Remy have done before me?

I fucking wish.

This week, the Low Blow does the unthinkable. I am going to recap something that no one else dare touch.

You see it all happened when I was innocently trying to download a copy of the Royal Rumble match from this year (Whoops, there’s the FBI at me door) and ended up with 3 copies. I was spoilt for choice! Then, however, I discovered something. It’s quite funny really. It turns out the Internet is full of sick, evil, perverse, twisted bastards who deserve to be rotting in Hell. HahahahahaHA NOT FUNNY AT ALL. For you see, those same bastards had mislabelled all three of the copies and instead I was stuck with 3 full files of One Night in China. Imagine my expression when I opened the video, thinking it was the Rumble match, and skipping ahead to cut out the rules being announced…then BAM. There’s a penis up an asshole. Whether it was Waltman or Laurer being penetrated is a different matter, one that shall be addressed in this week’s Low Blow:

Ooohkay, starts off well enough. We’re ‘treated’ to a nice little intro that features shots of what I believe is Hong Kong, with shots of Chyna sucking a penis cut in as well. I’ve already lost the will to live.

Anyway it then cuts to Waltman wandering around China until he reaches some sort of temple, and then intrigues us all by uttering the first lines of the feature, which are as follows:

“Yo, I’m the craziest motherfucker ever, yo. But no, I don’t wanna hurt nobody, ya know?”

First thought that popped into my head was ‘YOU’RE A WRESTLER!’ but then I realised how loose that term was. GEDDIT! LOOSE! It’s a PUN! Oh God my mind is already warped…Waltman continues to pretend to look smart and asks some random guy who isn’t introduced about ‘Dynasties’ and makes such enquiries as ‘how many Dynasties are there?’. This is the first time a porno has BORED me.

However the boredom quickly turns into indescribable DISGUST as they quickly cut to a shot of Laurer in a DOMINATRTIX OUTFIT. Oh Lord, why did I become a writer? I should have stuck with making tea like the stereotypes say…anyway Laurer proves she really IS a failure and actually FORGETS how to be a Dominatrix. It’s not really hard, I should imagine. I kick guys in the balls all the time, I just don’t wear the leather or PVC stuff.

….ANYway….I never thought I’d say this but….Thank You, X-Pac! This guy is the WORST cameraman ever. Therefore, he hardly gets any shots of himself or Laurer. Funny really, he mustn’t really be into it if the camera keeps drifting towards the TV. Ah crap a blowjob scene just commenced. You know, I’d be prouder if I had sex with a cousin than being able to admit that I’ve seen what Sean Waltman’s penis looks like. Talk about misshapen…in fact it looks dead. Still, I imagine anyone’s would be in THIS situation….Why am I still looking at his penis? I swear to God I’m gonna come out of this a shadow of the man I once was.

Hey I know, I’ll try to satirise it! That oughta make it at least a little more bearable! A neat spot shows Chyna reverse the blowjob into a handjob, which X-pac sells like a trooper! I almost marked out! And…no, I can’t do it. No matter what anyone or I would try to do, this is just way too disturbing to satire, let alone recap.

Well I must soldier on…the TV apparently is playing a gameshow in the background with Ric Flair contesting on it, because all I hear is ‘Higher! Lower! WOOOOO!’ Although in fairness it could be Laurer herself, given the fact that Waltman just went down on her. I question his sanity further, as I imagine no male that I know would want Joanie Laurer’s legs wrapped around their head.

Waltman’s shoddy filming technique gets my blessing once again, however, as he’s filming the entire scene so that you can’t actually SEE her getting eaten out. Wait, this won an award? He then ruins it by sneaking in a shot of his fat ass into the shot, and this goes on for like 15 minutes. Just think. Wrestlers such as Farooq, Kane and Billy Gunn have come into close contact with that ass as well. I simply cannot convey how bizarre it is that I’m bored and disgusted at the same time.

Thank God it’s another segment though, and Waltman is at the Great wall of China itself, and then blabs on about peace in future generations and friendship. Yeah if you didn’t want anybody harmed you shouldn’t have released this video, asshole. An actually unintentionally funny moment occurs when he’s at the top of the wall and decides to sing The Hills are Alive With the Sound of Music in an extremely miserable tone, and follows it up with a hilariously stiff dance that makes Mr. Roboto look like The Worm.

Funny though, how all the Chinese music in the background is making me REALLY hungry all of a sudden, I could seriously go for some Spring Rolls or something OH MY GOD APPETITE IS GONE. People, for those of you who don’t already know, I am not joking when I say that Joanie Laurer has a FUCKING PENIS. I swear on my God damn life, she has a penis sticking out of her vagina. FUCK. Even worse, she’s pierced the damn thing, AND it appears to have some sort of 5 o clock shadow thing going on. That’s it. I’m officially traumatised. I’m not even kidding. I have jumped into the thumbtacks, and I am forever going to display them stuck into my bare back. What makes it even worse is now, SHE is holding the camera and is much better at it than Waltman is. I’m actually begging her to give the camera back to him. And me back my sanity.

Another shot of her penis and…no wait, that’s Waltman’s. Another shot of the misshapen thing and apparently she likes it doggy, as Waltman is now going at it like a Bronco Buster possessed. Wait a minute...it’s in her ASS. Why the HELL am I doing this to myself?! Damn you, Carless, I DEMAND I get payment for this! Luckily the crappy camerawork makes it more bearable (Although that is not saying much, believe me). And as if I wasn’t fucked up enough…for the love of God, Waltman, take your finger out of there. You don’t know where it’s been and it doesn’t know where YOU’VE been either.

My prayers are answered as here is the final segment, as Waltman declares he’s ‘had all of China he can handle’. Ya know what? Same here, you fucking freak. Next time I’m gonna recap something MUCH more watchable. Stay tuned for next week’s recap of the Best of Mark Henry.

Joe (And not proud to admit it, either)

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).