Dedicated to the loving memory of Che E. Secake 7.01pm – 10.05 pm.

He would have wanted the show to go on.

Recently, Vince McMahon decided to take his company to the next level. Some thought this meant he would take over the Internet. Others speculated a brand new sport of his creation. And the rest thought he would just improve WWE’s standards.

All were wrong.

You see, Vince wasn’t happy with not being associated with the other Business tycoons of the world. He was tired of being seen as ‘weird kid who wasn’t into the same things we were’ (Aka the Canadian Bacon) within the Businessman’s circuit.

So he struck back. He gained a new level power by force, by simply buying out all the other Tycoons. Bill Gates, Donald Trump, even Rupert Murdoch (He bribed him with his kidnapped son, Trevor). However, like he always did, he let the power get to his head. He became the most powerful man in the country, nay, the world.

All feared him. He could literally buy you and sell you how he pleased, and changed the society to how he saw fit.

What he didn’t count on, however, was a band of vigilantes. Ex workers of his, who had joined together and were plotting to rid of his evil empire. Who were these brave souls? How could they possibly fend off the might of Vince’s greed? Find out in this week’s edition of:

The Low Blow presents:

HAS-BEEN HEROES

What was once known as New York is now New Connecticutsville (Vince never WAS good at coming up with stuff like that) and harbours the hub of WWE’s evil empire, WWE HQ. What no one knows, not even Vince, is that the city also harbours an underground band of heroes who will stop at nothing to eliminate the evil McMahon Tyranny.

You may recognise them. For you see back in the day they were simply workers for Vince, pawns for his company. Now, after seeing the world become a much darker place, they have decided to join forces, and are currently conferring in their underground lair…

Hogan: ANDRE!

Andre: You raaaaaaang?

Hogan: Have you got those documents I asked for, brother?

*Andre hands him the papers*

Hogan: OK, Bruthas, we must discuss the current situation.

Bret Hart: The current situation is that we’re fucked.

Junkyard Dog: Stop your whining for one second will you?

Bret: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

Undertaker: I-

Bret: Shut. The FUCK up, Taker.

Hogan: Silence! Look, dudes, the situation is a lot worse than we imagined.

DiBiase: How do you mean?

Hogan: Vince has declared his official WWE ruling upon the whole of America. These rules include every song being covered by that Josey Scott dude, the lead singer of Saliva…

*Cut to*

Scott: Come on now.….yeah…My Humps, bitch… I came from the streets, had nothing in my pocket, then I shot through the ranks like a motherfucking ROCKEEEEET!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! LADY LUUUUUUMPS!!!!

*Cut back*

Slaughter: Nice.

Hogan: It gets worse. Vince has imposed a national drug ban

DiBiase: Surely that’s a good thing?

Lex Luger: STFU

Hogan: No, this is Vince we’re talking about.

*Cut to a drug bust at a party*

Cop: GET ON THE FLOOR THIS IS A RAID!

Hippy 1: Woah man!

Cop: Oh, wait…is that weed you’re smoking?

Hippy 2: Um, yeah.

Cop: Oh. Well…you know…I guess that’s alright…got any other drugs here?

Hippy 1: Well, uh, there’s some heroin up in my room, got some ecstasy right here in my pocket, and there’s some coke down in the toilet.

Cop:…Ah well, sorry to have wasted your time.

*Cut back*

Luger: What’s the address for that place?

Hogan: And possibly the most shocking thing is Vince plans on giving everyone gimmicks.

Hart: Gimmicks?

Warrior: Look, why should we care? We’re holding out fine by ourselves, Vince is a no-good douche but I just don’t want anything more to do with him

Hogan: Don’t you realise the gravity of the situation, dude? If Vince gives everyone gimmicks…he will give nearly everyone a gay or bisexual gimmick. And flamboyant ones at that.

Warrior: …I’m in.                   

Hogan: Ok, now look, I will lead a team of bruthers into the WWE HQ, of only the very best that we have, to ensure success. We will go in and take him over by force.

Koko: Who are you planning on taking?

Hogan: ….a better question would be what are you doing in here?

Koko: I’m a hasbeen hero!

Hart: Uh, no. You’re not a has been. Because you never...well, ‘were’.

Koko: Look guys, I got bills to pay, I got 2 mouths to feed!

*Cut to*

Koko: There there, that’s right, eat the birdseed…there’s a good boy! Who’s a pretty bird! See, I knew that fire didn’t harm you that much.

Frankie: Kill….me….

*Cut back*

Hogan: Get him out of here.

Koko: *Sigh* Guess it’s back to Leeman’s basement for me.

Hogan: Right, dudes, let’s get ready. This won’t be easy.

Announcer: MEANWHILE, AT THE TWF BULDING….

Sean: Man, can you believe this? I finally have my own office, and TWF is actually making money!

James: Yeah, to think we were the only ones who survived Vince’s extermination of the IWC

Sean: Well I think we have that anonymous guy who convinced Vince to promote us to thank

*Cut to*

RVD: Haaaa Cameron’s right! Viscera DOES suck!…where are the cookies…

*Cut back*

James: Um, yeah about that….you got a letter from Vince.

Sean: O RLY?

James: YA RLY.

Sean: Awesome, what’s it say?

James: Well, he sent Stevie Richards to read the letter out.

Stevie: Ahem….WE’RE TAKIN’ OOOOVERRR.

James: Never get tired of that…anyway apparently Vince is suing us and taking away all our material.

Sean: What?! He can’t do that! We’re satire, he can’t sue us for anything! Right, this calls for a TWF meeting, gather the staff.

Stevie: Anyone got any spare change?

Announcer: LATER, AFTER THE GATHERING…

Sean: Alright, ladies and gentleman…

Renee: Ladies?

Sean: Oh, I’m sorry, Remy was sat behind you.

Remy: Har.

Sean: Anyway, listen up. Things are serious. We thought we could co-exist with Vince but he’s become even madder with power. He’s taking US over as well.

Gonzo: Well, as much as I don’t like Vince, I fail to see how this is a problem. I mean he’s already promoting us, so what’s gonna be the…

Sean: Ahem…

Gonzo: ..oh, sorry. *Chugs 16 white Russians* WHAT’SH THE PROBLEM? HIC!

Sean: The problem is, yes he may promote us still, but he’ll take away our creativity! I can just see the results now…

*Cut to*

Sean: Welcome to another edition of the much safer GUT KICK. Please, check out our other columns too, such as the Little Bit Higher Than a Low Blow Therefore Preventing Serious Injury!

*Cut Back*

Joe: I LIKE it!

Everyone else: ….

Joe: …Or, you know, Low Blow’s fine, I guess.

Harry: So what do you suggest we do?

Sean: Well we have to talk to Vince of course, we can’t let him ruin our good name.

James: We have a good name?

Harry: Heh, of course not. I’m doing a countdown of the top 50 funniest wrestler deaths.

All: Nehehehehehehe!

Sean: Nevertheless, we’ll be going to WWE HQ to sort out this matter. I’m pretty sure most will survive, unlike the last time we all pooled together to get something done….

[Insert Freda reference]

Anyway, let’s go. To the CARLESSMOBILE!

Joe: Wait, you mean it’s a car that’s called Carle-

James: Shhhhh….you want to keep your job, don’t you?

Announcer: MEANWHILE…

Josh Mathews: Look, Mister White, I really wish you would stop all these suicide attempts!

*White arrives with a pistol and holds it to his head*

Mathews: Alright, ya know what, WHATEVER, ok? Just fucking kill yourself, I don’t care, I should be out getting my nails done anyway. JUST DO IT. *Storms off*

White: ….oh look at me…I shouldn’t be trying to kill myself, I should be trying to improve myself! All this time, I thought I was pushed over the edge, when really, I-

*He is suddenly shot in the head*

Matt Hardy: YOU MOTHERF-….oh…I did hear someone say ‘Edge’. Right?….Yeeeah I’m gonna go…

Announcer: MEANWHILE, BACK TO THE ACTUAL STORY, AT WWE HQ….

Vince: Coach….is it just me, or has Joey Styles…changed at all?

Coach: I think I know what you mean, sir…but I called him up like you said.

*A heavyset man with a screwed up face walks in wit ha cowboy hat on and Joey Styles’ suit and glasses*

Vince: Glad you could join us…Joey

Joey: Sorry ah was late, Vince, there was a snack machine just a heartbeat away!

Vince: Uh, yeah, look, we think you may have come down with something, Joey, you’ve changed just a little too much

Joey: Whaddaya talking about?! I’m better than ever! BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP.

Vince: See this is what I mean you’re a little too much like the old guy we had now

Joey: Oh you just have a black heart, Vince, a black heart…FRAWM HAAAAYULLL. No one can deny the sheer greatness of me, and you should appreciate the stone cold (Stone cold! Stone cold!) fact that I am working for you, because no one is better than me, JIMMY STAAAHLES!

Coach: …’Jimmy?’

Vince: Get out. You’re fired.

Coach: Ahem?

Vince: *sigh* Alright…YEEEERRR FIIIRRRRED

JR (as if it wasn’t obvious): Ah’ll get you for this Vince! You can kiss mah ass! Want me to put barbecue soss on it, ya sonovabitch?!

Vince: Coach, get Art Donavan on the phone, think I might give him another try.

*Cut to a nursing home*

Art: So what’s dis den?

Nurse: That’s your medication, Mr. Donavan

Art: Oh ok…so what are dese little blue pills?

Nurse: …they’re…your medication. Like I just said?

Art: Oh, so what’re they for?

Nurse: They’re supposed to help your memory.

Art: Oh right…but what I wanna know is, what are dese little tablets ya just gave me?

Nurse: Whoops! The plug must have fallen out!

Art: Aw jeez, I’m dying…wait, who’s dat feller with the scythe?

*Cut back*

Coach: Um, couldn’t get through to him, sir.

Vince: Alright, onto our next issue of business….

*A huge crashing sound is heard as the Lex Express careers into the office. Hogan jumps out*

Hogan: That is the LAST time I let you drive!

Jake Roberts: Hey man, I’m cool, really! *Collapses*

Vince/Coach: ….

Hogan: Oh, uh, sorry about that, dude. Dunno how THAT happened!

Vince: Neither do I…we’re on the 5^th floor.

Hogan: Anyway, look, Vince! We have come to finally end your reign of terror!

Vince: Oh? You and what army?

Hogan: THE HASBEEN HEROES ARMY!

Announcer: JAKE ROBERTS! The human torch, as his blood is 98.9% alcohol…

Jake: That Gonsho shtole my gimmick….

Announcer: MARTY JANETTY! With the power of GHB-related stories!

Marty: So yeah basically Drugs + Girls = the only worthwhile highlights of my career.

Announcer: THE ULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL…

Vince: ….

Hogan: ….

Announcer: …LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRIORRRRR! With the power of Republicanism!

Warrior: QUEERING DOESN-

Announcer: BRET HART! Who can harness the power of Canada and it’s minions!

Bret: Maple Leaf, I CHOOSE YOU!

*Shockmaster tumbles in after breaking through a wall*

Announcer: SHOCKMASTER! With the power to do…that…and ETC!

Vince: Am I missing something here?

Hogan: BRUTHA! We’re the Hasbeen Heroes, a group of superheroes who reside in the underground sewers, waiting, brother, plotting, to finally end your reign of terror!

Vince: So-

Hogan: DUDE

Vince: …so you’re telling me you’re a bunch of has-beens…

Hogan: Hasbeen Heroes

Vince: Right, Hasbeen Heroes…that live in a sewer.

Coach: How apt.

Vince: *Sigh*….screw this. GUARDS!

*Two large uniformed men burst in*

Guard one: F-f-f-f-f-fffffffFREEZE!

Vince: God damn it…are we REALLY that cheap?

Bret: Hey Morgan look! There’s a woman over there who doesn’t believe you’re a cop!

Morgan: Where?! *Runs out*

Hogan: That got rid of them…

Guard 2: Um..HELLO?! I’m RIGHT HERE. Luther Reigns ring a bell?!

Everyone: …..

Luther: *Sniff* I’ll just go then…*Stops*…There appears to be something preventing me from moving…what the?

Renee: DON’T GO!!!!

Vince: Who the hell let her in?

Sean: I DID.

Vince: Aaah Mr. Carless. So nice to see you. Take the bus did you?

Sean: One more person makes fun of my last name, I swear to God…anyway, look Vince, you can’t just take us over. We’re the last shred of creativity in this country.

Vince: What are you talking about? Haven’t you SEEN the latest WWE booking?

*Cut to*

Lawler: And Cena has won….again.

*Cut back*

James: Yes, trust me, we have.

Vince: Look, you assholes, WWE needs as much power as it can get.

Joe: More power than controlling TV censorship?

*Cut to*

News announcer: There has been a drug bust resulting in thousands of dollars worth of BEEP being confiscated, and other BEEP-enhancing drugs. You know the ones that make your muscles go all BEEP and your BEEP go small? And they give you BEEP on your back? And now a word from our sponsor

Commercial: Preparation H, perfect for those uncomfortable HemorBEEP

*Cut back*

Vince: Yes, and besides, theres nothing you can do anyway.

Sean: Yes there is, we haven’t signed anything yet.

Vince: No…you didn’t have to. I have an inside man.

Sean: …what?

Vince: Someone who’s been secretly working against you my friend, someone who you trusted. Someone who just gave you enough work to be happy with him, whilst all the while he was plotting against you…

Hogan: Feel free to keep us in the story won’t you.

Joe: I’m not good with plots, I’m sorry.

Vince: No interruptions! Anyway, yes, Carless, One of your beloved staff works for ME.

Sean: …it’s you isn’t it, Gags?

Gagnon: I exist?! Oh, no, dude, wasn’t me.

Remy: Alright it was me, Sean! I just couldn’t take it anymore! You were all bashing Vince and HHH so much…I just couldn’t stand it!

Joe: That explains why you did such infrequent yet brilliant columns…

Remy: Dude, you don’t hafta suck up to me anymore.

Joe: YOUR MOTHER..

Vince: Alright, time to end this. Look you miserable insects, I’m not just taking over America or your precious TWF. I’m taking over…the world.

Hogan: We won’t let you do that brutha! We’ll stand and fight!

Sean: Oh yeah, you’ll ‘stand and fight’. You can barely just STAND for fuck sake.

Bret: GET OVER THERE! *Thrusts palm out and makes Sean, Remy James and Joe suddenly fly and hit the wall*

Bret: Wait, why did Joe fly? I only control Canadians!

Joe: My mum must have lied about not meeting anyone when she went on holiday to Toronto…

Vince: Fight with yourselves as much as you want, from now on, everyone in the entire world will have a gimmick. Ghost people, Evil Taxmen, Kickass fisherman, Hairdressers who can do awesome dropkicks…more gays and bi’s than ever before…*Pulls a weird, oversized switch which magically does what he just said*

Sean: No!

Hogan: Dude, NO!

Benji: Did he say more gays?

Coach: uh…we just got a phone call…it’s bad, sir

Vince: What do you mean?

Coach: Storms are erupting all over the earth. People are dying…Up is down, west is east, the world has stopped turning!

Vince: You mean…

Coach: Yes…the world doesn’t work.

Warrior: What did I FUCKING SAY.

And with that, Vince changed everything back to normal. He sold everything except WWE, and had learnt his lesson. He decided to celebrate by inviting TWF and the Has been Heroes to a big gathering:

Sean: I can’t believe al lthis time, Warrior was right. We owe you man.

Vince: Yes, Mister Warrior, thank you. We owe you our lives.

Warrior: I guess this means you’ll be listening to me more from now on?

Vince/Sean: hahahahaha!

Warrior: And Vince will give me a job, right?

Vince: No.

Warrior: Oh. Well TWF will stop satirising me, right?

Sean: ..Hey look, a Mexican crossing the border!

Warrior: Where?! *Runs off*

Hogan: That’s Warrior!…Dude!

Everyone: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

*Fireworks go off for some reason as a lowly immigrant is slowly beaten to death*

And the moral of the story is….be racist? Listen to insane Republicans who think sodomy will destroy the economy? I don’t know, but either way, Che would have been smiling down on this.

Luther: …Um, still stuck here.

Renee: HAVE MY FUCKEN BABIES!

Joe