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TWF LOW BLOW
BY JOE MERRICK
01/28/06 

Hello there, young and old, and welcome to another edition of the TWF Low Blow, the column that revealed Gobbledy Gooker’s Pedophilic tendencies, tried to apply to Vince McMahon for a job, and is probably your real dad.

With that said, the Low Blow, as UNMISSABLE as it is, is merely one section of this whole site of course, which is always evolving. From its somewhat humble beginnings it has managed to become a cult favourite, with good reason, but someone, somewhere, suddenly decided it should take the next step.

How did this happen? Well it seems a certain Genetic Jackhammer got wind of our activities here and decided to merge his company (It’s called WWE, you may have heard of it?) with our own TWF, much to our delight as we thought we were going to get paid. However, Vince thought Sean Carless’ management style was excellent so he adopted it himself. Anyway, the results were unsurprisingly hilarious:

*Vince in WWE HQ discussing matters with his executives*

Vince: Ok, fellas, how’s the merge going so far?

Executive 1: Well, sir, we hired that James Walker guy to write new theme songs for the wrestlers

Vince: And how’d that go?

*Cut to*

James: Look, Jim, I think we should give Matt an emo song, something that fits with his character? Maybe lyrics that describe his ‘inner torment’

Jim Johnson: Well, we could….or we could mix up some ‘techno choons’ that make no logical sense whatsoever, and have him yell VEEEONEAAAH randomly?

James: ..or we could, you know, earn our paychecks.

*Cut back*

Vince: Good to hear. How about that TWF DVD we had in mind? Has it sold yet?

Executive 2: Oh yes sir, there’s already a commercial

*Cut to*

Announcer: Think you knew everything about TWF? THINK AGAIN. Buy the new DVD, on sale NOW! Experience the special features and see TWF like you’ve never seen it before! With Special commentary:

Sean: Yeah I was kinda tired when doing this column, gotta say

Harry: Sean says here that Chris Benoit won the TV title in 1995. Now the thing is that’s wrong, because he won the US title in 1995 and ALMOST won the TV title in 1994, 28th October, 16.47pm. And he would have done if it weren’t for his opponent, Gobbledy Gooker, being hunted down and slaughtered in a Thanksgiving celebration gone wrong

Bacon: Fast forward to the part where I talk about my dink!

Announcer: Outtakes!:

Cameron: Welcome to the BEST DAMN RAW PERIOD EVER.

Announcer: And behind the scenes on the TWF Forums!

Noob: Yeah, um…the forums they..they rock and..and stuff…um…line?

Remy: Fuck up again and you’re banned.

Announcer: So whaddaya waiting for?! Buy now and get a FREE Booker Bear doll that talks!

Booker Bear: James Walker is racist, NIGGUH

*Cut back*

Vince: How about the other merchandise that Sean suggested?

Executive 1: You mean the WWE Brand Condoms?

*Cut to*

Man: Oh shit…

Woman: What?

Man: …The condom broke…

Woman: WHAT?!

Condom: IT WASN’T MY FAULT

*Cut back*

Vince: Oh, I also heard about Cameron Burge and Gonzo being commentators for RAW and Smackdown?

*Cut to RAW*

Coach: What an incredible reverse modified Shooting Star Press!

Cameron: That would be a moonsault, Coach

*On SD*

Tazz: Man, talk about a rocketbuster! This match is-

Gonzo: Wh-what HAPPENED to you man you…you yooshed to be COOL. Shurvive if I let you and junk! TASHMISSION

*Cut back*

Executive 2: And the TWF Battle Royal went very well.

Vince: Give me the gist of it.

Executive 1: Well, highlights included:

- Remy suddenly leaving the ring for about 20 minutes at a time only coming back to knock people out cold

- Bacon eliminating everyone in the ring only for a surviving Sean Carless to make a sneaky elimination

- Bacon yelling ‘ROBBED AGAIN!!!1111!!!1!’ to this

- Joe Merrick sneaking in and eliminating Sean after a job-killing LOW BLOW

- Cameron Burge running in, only to run back out again and be replaced by Gersh

- James talking on the mic and telling everyone what happened to the people who were eliminated after they had disappeared

- Remy popping back in to eliminate James, then is eliminated himself by the final competitor Harry, who instead of simply throwing Remy over the top rope, used a guillotine device on the poor fellow before declaring ‘The Observer’s Thumb is WAY down.’

Vince: Wasn’t Renee in that match?

Executive 2: Oh yes of course, otherwise it’d just be a sausage fest

Executive 1: Yeah and we couldn’t get Freda for it either.

Vince: Good stuff. You know what, I might actually sit down and read some of this ‘Internet’ the people are talking about these days.

Executive 1: You…you mean you’ve never actually read TWF?

Vince: Never got round to it, let me just look at my laptop

*Pause*

Vince: ….

Needless to say, that was the end of our business relationship….A great shame really, I do miss the Writers’ chats with the wrestlers in the locker room:

HHH: So what you’re all saying is I should keep this thing going, not hunting for the title every week and just be a good wrestler?

Sean: uh-huh

James: Yup.

Joe: Indeed.

HHH: Well fuck that! You fat twelve year olds don’t know a thing about Wrestling!

Remy: God I love it when he gets mad

(That’s for not laughing at my BYEDENREICH joke, you bastard)

And then of course, we never got to see the dream Byte This:

Tard Grisham: Ok we’ve got Harry Simon on the phone. Harry?

Harry: Die. JUST FUCKING DIE.

Tard: Lol stfu fag

 

Goodnight everybody!

 

Joe

Note: Did you manage to spot a Plot Hole in this week’s column? Answer next week or whenever I feel like it.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).