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TWF LOW BLOW
BY JOE MERRICK
01/08/06 

Well happy New Year, there, people. Hope all is well and you haven’t had any ill luck such as being approached by a prostitute with what I can only hope were giant birthmarks on her breasts or getting a phone call at 2am by an American claiming I should know him because ‘we met at a gay bar In Texas’. A week just after I had written a column about crank calls, mind.
 
Speaking of luck I have to say, Christmas presents this year was kinda hit and miss. Got a new videogame, the One Night Stand DVD and the obligatory gift for all men (apparently), socks.
 
However it gets a little stranger. My best friend, obviously in his plight to think of something for me for Christmas, must have thought to himself ‘Well, he likes wrestling right?’ and bought me two WWE Action Figures. Not that I’m really complaining, except I had no idea who one of them was supposed to be, and the other one, Andre the Giant, has a fucking huge erection modelled on him.
 
That’s not what struck me as strange though on the latter figure. Here, I think I’ll show you. Here he is, featured with One Man Gang:
 
 
 
Now, he looks fairly harmless there right? Nothing strange at all, right? Well let’s just make a couple of slight adjustments. Here he is again:
 
 
Bares a striking resemblance to this young man, am I correct?
 
Leads me to hypothesise a many number of possibilities. Does this mean that Andre and Eugene are somehow connected? Related? They both do share a quality in that they both exude a lot of bodily fluids, sweat and drool respectively, after all.
 
I’m just going on kind of a pointless rant now (‘tis the future of comedy). See, even this doesn’t compare to another gift I got. You may all have your fancy Hard Knocks DVDs or Self-Destruction of Ultimate Warriors or Rise and Falls (Especially the copy that Sean still owes me) but you see, what I now have in MY possession is what writers are really after. So today, in the first ever review for the Low Blow, I shall be taking a look, at:
 
WWF’S FUNNIEST MOMENTS!
 
No, not a fancy DVD! Not a biography of a legend in the making, featuring classic matches or career-best promos! This week is all about the funny (for once) as I review what surely promises to be a comedy-fest extravaganza! (Hell, it’s got Ultimate Warrior AND Gobbledy Gooker in it. How could it possibly fail? Anyway, let’s get right to it:
 
Ok, starting off with a little feature of WWF in general, pimping its videos. Couple of things already strike me as funny (unintentionally of course). The narrator says ‘so if it’s wrestling your after, we’ve got bodyslams! (shows a bodyslam by Tito Santana), dropkicks! (a dropkick by…some black dude) and clotheslines!’ It then not only shows the Skinner MISSING a clothesline, but it also shows Ultimate Warrior botching one as well. Awesome editing job there, guys. Second thing that’s just awesome is Ted DiBiase selling a clothesline as though he had been hit with a piledriver by Tommy Dreamer. Jesus how is that even possible?
 
Disclaimer then appears, telling me not to try this at home. Great. I’ll keep that in mind next time I want to perform a voodoo curse just like Papa Shango. Or, indeed, dress in a turkey outfit and humiliate my family name….again.
 
Sean Mooney now greets us and I suddenly remember why I hated him so God damn much. You know what really strikes me as odd here is that he is apparently in the director’s studio as there are several TV screens behind him playing wrestling footage, except there’s only one guy sat on his own who seems to be working. And by ‘working’ I mean ‘sleeping’. Kinda looks like Mike Tenay actually. (aka not really what Sean Carless looks like).
 
Anyway, Sean (Mooney) tells us that this video features some of WWF’s most hilarious moments. Just in case we were threw off by such a misleading title such as ‘WWF’s Funniest Moments’, of course. I’d just like to add that on one of the screens in the background, the footage of Curt Hennig in the orange outfit throwing a towel out of the ring has been shown on a loop about 15 times now. It’s almost as if it’s not a real director’s studio. *Audible gasp*
 
Alright, let’s get this show on the road. The first ‘moment’ apparently features Bobby Heenan, so I’m genuinely encouraged that there should be some humor in here.
 
…Well, was I disappointed. Apparently this angle involves Bobby Heenan insulting the Big Bossman’s mother and is now apologising for it. They don’t play any footage of that so I can’t really say if that was funnier than this or not, although it probably was.
 
Starts out with Heenan getting introduced before snatching the mic out of the announcer’s hands, who happens to look like Lillian Garcia wearing a dodgy 80’s glitter blazer and has weird horse teeth (her, not the blazer). Anyway, Heenan starts off by saying how sorry he is, and that he just got off the phone with Bossman’s mother and he has straightened it out with her. That, somehow, was actually rather funny. Wish I could hear what else he was saying if it wasn’t for fucking Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes talking over him. Doesn’t matter anyway because IF YOU EVER TAKE A TRIP, DOWN TO COBB COUNTY, GEORGIA…Gotta say, not the biggest Bossman fan, but love that music.
 
Bossman is carrying a ball and chain and only then do the announcers tell us that this is actually a Ball & Chain match between Heenan, Bobby and man, Boss, and noy just a Heenan apology. Bossman starts pacing around the ring as heenan is backed into a corner pleading and claiming that he has already talked to his mother about it. Camera then cuts to an ugly female hippy that is violently wagging her finger in a ‘YOU DON’T KNOOW ME, JERRY SPRINGER!’ kinda way. You know, this really doesn’t work seeing as I’m actually sympathising with Heenan here.
 
Heenan finally seems to have convinced him to go phone his mother and ask her about it. Bossman leaves the ring, Heenan gets up, and then Bossman inexplicably charges back in, corners Heenan again, gets right up to his face, and….stomps and has a fit? The hell? Heenan manages to move out of the way but is then pressed up to the ropes, and finally resources to hitting him with the microphone, which prompts Mooney to say ‘We all knew he wasn’t really sorry!’. Yeah because no one else would think to defend themselves when a 300lb guy is in their face…
 
Bossman lays in a couple of punches and clotheslines, and finally floors his obviously much superior foe, pins him with a boot to the throat, before standing above his carcass, and crushing his chest with the ball and chain. Man, he really doesn’t tolerate any parental offending eh? You’d never see HIM insulting another wrestler’s father, for example…
 
Mr. Perfect then comes out and tries to choke Bossman with a towel. Bossman gets the advantage and clotheslines him as well, knocking him out of the ring. And that, apparently, was our first funny moment
 
Onto our next treat, and it’s our aforementioned horse woman announcing again. Apparently there’s a new face in WWF and we should give him a warm welcome. And it’s…Gobbledy Gooker. Sweet Jesus. Well Gooker comes dancing out to what sounds like a mixture of a barn dance and Linda’s theme music. Classy. What strikes me as really funny is that he not only nearly trips over a cable; he also turns round and almost clocks himself on a ring post. After some more dancing however he stares right into the camera and those big plastic disturbing eyes cause me to slump to the floor quivering in a fit of absolute fear.
 
Gooker makes his way into the ring with an ever so athletic somersault, and follows up with more incredible feats such as forward rolls, cartwheels, running from one set of ropes to another, skipping around the ring with horsewoman. Camera cuts are plentiful, catching such delights as an utterly confused 12 year old girl who seems to have no idea why she’s clapping, and another girl who’s as ugly as fuck yelling retardedly RIGHT into the camera. Thanks for burning that image into my skull, WWE.
 
Gooker then continues to amaze fans by jumping out of the ring and greeting more of the kids. At one point he shakes hands with a boy, and then greets a little girl, who casually removes Gooker’s hand from her left breast, then…..wait, did I just see that? Let me rewind it…holy shit he really did. You sick FUCK, Gooker! Ah but now one of the dads is onto him. As Gooker approaches HIS kid, the dad shakes his head as Gooker looks up at him pleadingly. HA. Your shit is ruined!
 
Alright moving on from that…Howard Finkel now claims that there’s someone new to the WWF ranks, so we should welcome HIM. And it’s…Gooker again?! The FUCK?! This is exactly the same as the last one, except he doesn’t kiss Finkel (not till after the show anyway…what? Wouldn’t put it past this sick bastard) Ok there’s no point watching this seeing as it’s the exact sa-…heh, I just saw a kid yelling at him for hugging his brother. Ok NOW I’m fast forwarding.
 
We’ve got a match now apparently, so I don’t know how an 8-minute affair could be classed as a ‘moment’ but there ya go. Honky Tonk Man is here with Greg the Hammer Valentine, making up the Rhythm and Blues team, accompanied by their Manager Jimmy Hart…who’s wearing an Earthquake suit. Way to support your team, Jimmy.
 
Honky has a little treat for us in that he’s going to sing. Now, this in itself wasn’t exactly hilarious but I was laughing my balls off at the Hammer’s ridiculously stiff plodding dance to Honky’s singing. Speaking of which, Honky’s interrupted when the Bushwhackers’ music hits, as they come marching down and waving to an absolutely DEAD crowd. On a side note, anyone else noticed how Luke looks kinda like Goldberg? Wow, I’m surprised I can even tell which Bushwhacker is which anymore. Score one to me.
 
Something rather strange with the Bushwhacker strategy here. I mean they’re working on HTM’s arm for the most part, which is fair and fine enough, but that’s not going to knock someone out is it? And since when were Luke and Butch masters of the armbar to make them submit? Even stranger is the selling in this match. At one point, Hammer gets hit by a double atomic drop, which he sells as though he’s shitting out a live fish. Hammer again is the culprit of odd selling when Luke bangs his head against HTM’s, who sells it as though he was shot, and Hammer sells as if he had just sneezed.
 
Only one thing stands head and shoulders above this though when it comes to strangeness, and that’s Gorilla Monsoon’s announcing. After Lord Alfred Hayes asks how Luke and Butch are related, Gorilla utters :
 
‘Luke’s father and Butch’s father were fathers’
 
Pause.
 
Heenan: Well you certainly cleared that up for us.
 
He does it again after a comedy spot sees Hammer accidentally crash right into his partner:
 
Gorilla: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it duck out of the way!
 
Heenan: ..just…WHAT?!
 
Luke decides to initiate the psychology of the match by chanting ‘Greasebawl!’ on the mic a couple of times to which about 5 people In the audience chant along with until it immediately dies.
 
The end is near, I can tell, because Honky, the illegal man, as been chased by Butch, the legal man, out of the arena with a chair. Therefore, Valentine, still in the ring, wins by count out. Gorilla disagrees because he is a heel. Ok come on, Gorilla I know the deal with faces and heels but don’t go overboard about it. Valentine keeps working on Luke until he faces the wrath of a returning Butch and his PADDED CHAIR OF DOOM (Not to be confused with any Demented Diatribes). After a battering ram (which By God was one of the weakest looking moves ever) The Bushwackers celebrate a….loss.
 
Aha, now we actually have some genuine comedy here. They’re showing the skit from Playboy Buddy Rose’s blowaway diet. Now this is funny. For those of you who don’t know, Playboy was a big 300lb guy, fat as fuck. However, he insisted he was only 200lbs. Kind of like a reverse Crash Holly. Come to think of it, this guy does look a LOT like Crash….conspiracy?
 
Anyway the skit involves Playboy pouring some powder on himself and saying that all you have to do is blow a normal household fan on it and it will ‘blow the fat away’. I swear, this is worth seeing just for his coital and delighted expression as he shows us his ‘thinner thighs’ and ‘firmer fanny’. That’s even funnier if you’re English because fanny means vagina over here. Yes, I AM sophisticated, aren’t I?
 
Anyway they follow this up with a match by Playboy himself. This guy is hella entertaining. When Finkel announces him as 317lbs, he corrects him, stands on some scales, and declares he is 217lbs. What annoys me here is Sean Mooney once again on commentary, making endless fat jokes towards Rose. You know, despite that the rest of the roster at the time consisted of King Kong Bundy, Andre the Giant, Junkyard Dog, Big Bossman….you get the idea. Not like Rose’s opponent is any Mr Universe either, but there you go. In fact he kinda looks like an overweight version of one of the strongmen from Family Guy. Has the same moustache.
 
Anyway, Rose is seriously impressive here. I’ve never seen a 300lb guy actually not make a hiptoss look like shit. It’s not particularly fast paced, but I could watch a few more of this guy’s matches. Finish occurs after he sits on the jobber, then gets a backbreaker for 3. Not exactly epic, but at least the guy provided me with some laughs that I was SUPPOSED to get from this video.
 
Which is what the next segment failed to do. It’s Brother Love time, except he’s not showing up. In his stead is Roddy Piper holding a rope. You know, if he saw what he looked like today he’d probably use that damn rope on himself. Instead, he recaps for us what apparently happened the previous week, where Rick Rude attacked him on the Brother Love set. Cut back to Roddy as he shows us what is on the end of the rope (not before declaring he has ‘Dope on a Rope’. Oh how ironic.) and it’s someone under a white sheet. He reveals it to be…..a half naked Brother Love, with a gag on, no less. Thanks so much for that, Piper.
 
It’s Mean Gene Okerlund up next, apparently out in the desert with a camera crew in tow, trying to find a location. After an absolutely ‘hilarious’ argument they find some hut, which Gene declares to ‘look like a toilet’. Pretty big toilets where you come from, Gene? Turns out it’s where the Bushwackers live, so I guess toilet IS pretty apt, yes.
 
Gene interviews them for no apparent reason other than to say ‘you faced this team, right?’ to which the Bushwackers basically yell and lick each other, much to Gene’s (I think) genuine bemusement. The interview, roughly, goes as followed (Just add random yells and grunts where you see fit):
 
Gene: You fought (insert team name)
 
Luke: Yes, we did. Isn’t that right, cousin?
 
Butch: Yes, we did cousin
 
Gene: And what about (insert team name)
 
Luke: Ah, yes, they were indeed a tough team. Right, cousin?
 
Butch: Indeed, cousin
 
REPEAT
 
The cycle eventually ends when Butch invites gene to eat some ‘BBQ Buzzard’, which I don’t think even JR would accept. They then offer some of it to Okerlund and I am absolutely disgusted because it’s just raw chicken for fuck sake. After a while Gene goes off screen and comes back in Bushwhacker gear, claiming that the meat made him a bushwhacker. I am then utterly disturbed to my absolute core when all three of them stare right into the camera, eyes bulging, raw chicken hanging our of their mouths as if to say ‘One of us!’ to my very soul. God damn you, Gene.
 
Anyway, onto our last segment and it’s Brother Love again. He tells us that his guest today is a has-been, and then follows up with about 372 puns using the words has-been in them. Drop it, dude. Finally he says his guest is the ULLLLLTIMATE has-been. Subtle, Brother, subtle.
 
Well he brings out Woyah, who then talks like a drunken robot. Seriously, he’s like the Intoxicator or something. He tells (yells) about his upcoming match at WM7 with Macho King Randy Savage, the stipulation of course that whoever lost had to retire, and sounds like:
 
Warrior: I AM READY TO FACE MY OPPONENT AT WRESTLEMANIA. I WILL SURVIVE, But You, Macho King, you will be defeated. You will be destroyed….*almost silence*…your career will be ended, You will LOSE TO ME BECAUSE I AM THE ULTIMATE WARRIORRRRRRRRRRR
 
The sad part is, knowing him, that was probably a career-best promo. Anyway he decides to prove he can end careers by destroying the Brother Love set and then chases Brother Love to the ring, and clotheslines the shit out of him. Well, I mean if you can defeat a fatass with no wrestling training whatsoever you know he’ll be able to defeat a champion like Macho King. Kudos, Warrior.
 
Sean Mooney’s back to bid us farewell (Thank God) and tells us to catch more funny moments by watching WWF. Yeah, try saying that after seeing Dr. Heiney and the Tim White sketches.
 
Highlight: DEFINTELY Playboy Buddy Rose. He made me laugh my ass off. He came off as a very arrogant and delusional heel and also impressed the hell out of me with his wrestling skill for a guy of his build. No Bret Hart of course but he put most of today’s big guys to shame
 
Lowlight: Everything. Else. Especially you, Gooker. Why did we need to see two of the exact same sketches? It’s kinda less funny when you’ve already seen it once (not that a pedo segment was very funny anyway).
 
Overall: Simply not enough funny things to outweigh the boredom, unintentional or not. Heenan and Playboy definitely provided laughs like they were supposed to but the rest was simply lazy. The logic was basically ‘hey, there’s kind of a funny thing in that match, so let’s just put in the whole thing to fill up time.’ Plus, do I have to repeat myself? It’s a guy (probably Feinstein) in a turkey outfit MOLESTING A CHILD.
 
Rating: A very LOW Blow
 
This has been Joe

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).