‘Does my butt look big in this?’ ‘No
your fat arse does that’ That, my friends, was a… LOW BLOW! Yes it’s here again, the result of a back seat encounter
between sarcasm and incoherent (possibly drunken) rage. Ladies and gentleman, the good times are truly rolling. Anyway, it seems that in the light of the recent ‘success’
of the Diva Search/Boobs on Parade, WWE has decided to fund all sorts of other reality TV-type shows, from Manager Swap: Joey Mercury: How the gay hell did we end up with this guy? Melina: So, you’re saying a ‘cement bath’ will make me look even younger? To ‘The Bachelor’: Kane: yeah, I think Ashley and me hit it off really well. Who knows? She may be the
one! But the most notable is the WWE’s attempt at a Big Brother style show. The Low Blow is proud to
present the highlights of this program, so please, enjoy! Day 1 – The housemates are looking around the house for the first time Matt: What, no computer? Orton: Feh. Who needs those? Day 5 – What started as a simple feud has escalated into a brawl between
two of the housemates Matt: Hey, Copeland, what you gonna do for a face when Godzilla wants his freaking
ass back? Edge: Screw you, redneck *Security steps in* Guard 1: ….Well I think it’s obvious what we gotta do here Hassan: What the-! What the hell did I do?! Guard 2: Sir, please calm down, you’re too dangerous for this show Daivari: Excuse me sirs, I do not wish to tell you how to do your jobs, but I
must question your motives as to why you are apprehending my associate, as he has committed no wrong so far. Guard 1:…Mace him Daivari: SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER OF ALLAH! MY EYES! Day 14 – The housemates are keeping themselves entertained *Edge and Matt are grappling in the background* Matt: Hey guys, look! Edge and me are still fighting! Christian: yeah, that’s...that’s wonderful Edge: Look! It’s cool because it’s REAL *Pause* Matt:….Dude I don’t wanna play no more Edge: Me neither. Oh and dude, you can have her back. You can catch something
just by LOOKING at her. Matt: You serious? I'd rather go out with a leper. Got less chance of infection Viscera: You guys talking about me? Day 27 – Big Brother has assigned the housemates the completely pointless
task of performing a karaoke Kane: Oh Katie, Well you came and you lay without breathing… but I threw
you away, oh Katie… Orton: Well, it’s what’s paying for our weekly budget, and at least
it can’t get much worse Viscera: Hey everybody have ya seen mah balls they’re big and salty and
brown! Benoit: My ears are soiled… HBK: In all my years, I’ve never seen ANYthing as horrifying as this…And
I once tagged with Billy Gunn Edge: Heh. Zing. Christian: If
ya ever need a quick, pick me up, just stick my balls… Day 30 – To stir things up, a new housemate has been added into the house Frankie Kazarian: Hey guys! I……Oh, well this won’t do. *Leaves* RVD: ….Man, what a bitch Day 36 – Eddie is in the Diary room to make a private announcement Eddie: Just let me make it clear that I love my/Rey’s son Dominick! And
I am going to win this, on behalf of every father who loves his son! For every man who has loved a child! *Cut to Feinstein watching the TV* Feinstein: Finally! My voice shall be heard! Day 40 – It is now time to announce the winner of WWE Big Brother. The finalists
are Christian and Orlando Jordan *Christian and Jordan are waiting for the announcement* Christian: So, uh….how about those ‘personalities’, huh? Great
aren’t they? You got one? Christian: yeah, I gathered Announcer: And the winner, of WWE Big Brother, and of the prize of a well deserved
push, is…… The Entire Wrestling Fanbase: WHAT THE FUCK Well, my friends, there you have it. One must credit WWE for trying something *cough* creative…and
who knows? They may still have more such ideas up their sleeve. Let's pray the fuck not. See ya next time Joe.
Paul Bearer:
Oooh yeeeess!
Johnny Nitro: Well, at least he has bigger tits than our last one
Taker:
uh, yeah, sure…
Ashley: Well he seems nice but creepy..I mean who keeps a dead fetus in their room?
Christian:
Well, so long as there’s a toilet I ain't complaining
*They
grab Hassan*
well I held you and kept you from moving…
I need you today, oh Katie
Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he
is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He
also hunts emos for sport.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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