MONDAY NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS
WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!
Date: July 29th, 1996
Location: Orlando, FL
Hello and welcome to another edition of Monday Nitro. With two weeks to go until Hog Wild we have a surprising amount of matches having been already announced...of course they haven't really built to any of them apart from the matches featuring the nWo, but I digress. Tonight on the show, The Giant will defend his World Title against Arn Anderson while Rey Mysterio will defend his Cruiserweight Title against Eddy Guerrero. On top of that we get the American Males against the Steiner Brothers in a match to determine which team would be most at home in a gay bar, it's gonna be a close contest. But before we can get on with the actual show, we're treated with footage of the WCW Nascar car winning another race (HOORAY!) but apparently it's another driver as that other guy Steve Grissom had been sacked...I imagine it happened by FedEx. They then turn their attention on the nWo (or the New World ODOUR! As Mr. Zsbysko so eloquently puts it...and continues to put it like a billion times throughout the show) and their continuous attacks on WCW, including one on the guys in the control booth last week. Zsbysko says that if nWo don't study the past, they're gonna be doomed to repeat it...heh, considering what happened to WCW I'm gonna from now on call him Prophet Larry. They show a video that nWo sent them of The Outsiders beating up Sting after WCW Saturday Night.
Mike Enos Vs "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Wow! Really? That's how you want to start the show? Tony is suspicious about why Ric Flair didn't show up last week and whether he was in the limo with the nWo. Big USA! USA! Chants as Duggan starts off by dominating Enos and no-selling any offence his opponent gives him, THAT'LL TEACH YOU! You...errm...American bastard...anyway, this match slowly but surely deteriorates into what looks like a kindergarten scuffle filled with flailing arms and people falling over with the slightest touch. Enos does gain momentum with several Rear Chinlocks, but they eventually both just sorta collide with each other and fall down as Tony says that "you're a finding this opening bout as high an impact as you're gonna find...between Mike Enos & Jim Duggan" which is very sad but true. We are then treated to a delightful shot of Mike Enos' ass crack as Duggan pulls him into a pin. I guess they wanted to see on how many levels this could be qualified as hard to watch. The finish FINALLY comes after what seems like the third or fourth "second wind" that Duggan gets. Enos shuts him down and backs him into a corner, but when he's pulled away by the ref, Duggan tapes his fist and we've found a winner.
WINNER: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
We're now standing by with crack(head) reporter, "Mean" Gene Okerlund as we finally get Hacksaw's take on the nWo. Duggan asks Hogan what is wrong with Hulk since he turned on his fans like that. He goes on to call Hogan a great technical wrestler (lolwut!?) but says that he doesn't want to wrestle him but just beat him up instead.
The 4 Horsemen (Ric Flair, Chris Benoit & Steve McMichael w/ The Girls) Vs The Three Painted Amigos (Sting, "Macho Man" Randy Savage & Lex Luger)
Well...okay...weird placement for this match, but fuck it after the last match, I'll allow it! All six men brawl before the match can get under way. After a commercial break (which included yet another promo for Glacier. I guess they want to make his debut as "ice cold" as possible. BODOM TCHII! ) the match starts properly with Chris Benoit & Sting. Flair fairly quickly tags in and almost immediately gets into a fight with Macho Man on the outside which included Savage hitting Flair with a tray of fruit...just another day in WCW. The match itself is pretty standard but with these people that's not bad at all. The Horsemen eventually manages to isolate Lex Luger, but it doesn't last too long as Sting makes the tag. Sting however fails to take control and Flair eventually locks in the Figure-4 Leg Lock. Sting does turn it over but his leg is hurt and Benoit tags in and starts to zero in on it. Suddenly, Jimmy Hart runs out and screams that they need help backstage because of The Outsiders so he wants...errm...a cameraman to run out and help?...right...okay...unless that cameraman has a Superman outfit underneath his jeans and t-shirt, I don't think that's gonna do much. To be fair, Hart does stay afterwards and finally manages to get Luger & Sting to follow him. We cut to backstage where Nash & Hall has already laid out Arn Anderson & Marcus Bagwell. They nail Scotty Riggs with a heavy object of some kind as he tries to come to the aid of his tag partner and Nash then catches Rey Mysterio Jr. and throws him into the side of a production truck like a fucking lawn dart. The Outsiders leaves in a limousine which Randy Savage manages to jump on to like he's straight out of an action film. The limo leaves with the Macho Man trying to get in through the sunroof, BEST HORROR MOVIE EVER! (http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/5316/nitro2907961.jpg) We cut back to see the ring empty which I guess means...double count out?
WINNERS: No Contest
Backstage, The Horsemen is tending to Arn Anderson while the faces are tending to...well...the faces. As we cut back from commercials, Woman is almost crying as she's cradling a hurt Double A. EMTs have joined the scene and a...fire truck!? Has also arrived...because...errm...fuck knows, we need loud noises and we ran out of ambulances! Rey Mysterio shouts that there were four outsiders...which of course is disputable considering there only was two on camera. But yeah, it seems that there goes our Cruiserweight AND World Title match as Mysterio & Arn are both carted away. They remove Rey's mask but he covers it up with his hands as Tony talks about how unheard of that a lucha wrestler removing his mask...well...at least until Eric Bischoff got his way. Benoit gets in a shouting match when Meng tries to come close to Arn as we cut back to a frazzled announcing team that doesn't know what they're gonna do with the rest of the show.
As we come back from commercials, Heenan & Bischoff joins the team but Heenan talks very seriously about his history with neck injuries and decides to walk away from the broadcast as Bischoff can't guarantee his safety tonight. We still see the backstage area in complete disarray, and Eric tries find out what match can come next. By the way, now would probably be a good time to point out that the crowd in attendance have absolutely ZERO idea of what is going on as this was a time without Titantrons and the like, and since this has gone on for a hella long time, they are starting to loudly chant BORING! BORING! As Bischoff says that he wishes they had monitors...yeah...didn't think that one through Eric. Bagwell & Anderson are the last two to get driven away in the ambulance accompanied by Sting & Flair.
High Voltage (Kenny Kaos & Robbie Rage) Vs The Steiner Brothers (Scott & Rick Steiner)
Yeah, the crowd is at this point so starved from lack of wrestling that the Entrance music (or more like alarm) of High Voltage gets a loud cheer. As Scott Steiner & Kenny Kaos start the match, Rick Steiner patrols the floor around the ring instead of being on the apron. Scott controls the match fine but he still goes out and yells at his brother to try and get him to focus on the match. Rick tags in and High Voltage takes over the control due to Rick's lack of focus. Robbie Rage hits Rick Steiner with a Top Rope Shoulder Block and gets an...errm...one count. Scott then tags back in, completely demolishes his opponents and hits a Vertical Suplex/Tombstone Piledriver combo for the win.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers
The Steiners briefly celebrate before heading backstage. We learn that after a break, Eddie Guerrero will face Rey Mysterio Jr.'s replacement...Big Bubba?...god damn it people! That's like taking away a bag of gummi bears and replacing it with a granola bar! FUCK YOU GRANOLA BAR!
Big Bubba w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Eddie Guerrero
Well at least we have Eddie to make this match tolerable. Big Bubba starts off being mainly dominant using his strength to keep Guerrero grounded. Remember when I said that Eddie could keep this match tolerable? (you really should, it was like one sentence ago). Well it turns out that he couldn't because this is the slowest match he has ever been in. Big Bubba almost gets a win off a Bearhug Slam as Bischoff says that they've got national news calling...yeah...this just in on CNN, Marcus Bagwell AND Scotty Riggs have just been assaulted OUTSIDE OF A MATCH in WCW. By the way, you wouldn't think it, but this match has gone on for about 10 minutes, and yes...NOTHING exciting has happened. Eddie fights back (FINALLY!) and hits a Tornado DDT but the dastardly Jimmy Hart jumps up and almost puts the referee in a Front Headlock...I don't know why that never disqualifies someone. Hart in the process throws the megaphone to Big Bubba, but Eddie catches him in a Sunset Flip and Bubba drops the megaphone which gives him his loss.
WINNER: Eddie Guerrero
We go to a commercial break and I love the 4 Horsemen T-shirt commercial, especially the part where Arn says that the closest anyone of the fans will ever get to be a horsemen is to buy the shirt. I mean, if Paul Roma & Steve McMichael can join I think it's pretty much up for grabs. The first nWo PSA then airs, which featured Nash, Hall & Oates...err, Hogan...doing shit...seriously they just rambled about how awesome they are and how much they're gonna dominate at Hog Wild.
We return to Nitro where we learn that Bischoff has left to check on the wrestlers that were attacked. They re-run the footage from earlier including the awesome Rey Mysterio Jr. bit before we go to our next match.
The Giant (c) w/Jimmy Hart Vs...Greg "The Hammer" Valentine!!!?, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match
Are you fucking kidding me!!? The funniest thing about GREG FUCKING VALENTINE getting this title shot is that the announcers keep talking about how prestigious the title is and how big a shame it is for Arn Anderson to lose the title shot since they're "not exactly a dime a dozen". Dude, if Greg Valentine can get a shot I think they're pretty much raffling them away. Yeah, this match goes exactly how you would expect it to. The Giant catches Valentine on the top rope and Chokeslams him to the mat before giving him one extra for the road...short, but it was more exciting than the Big Bubba match.
WINNER: The Giant
Okerlund is standing by to talk to The Giant & Jimmy Hart. The Giant does an impression of Hogan which "Mean" Gene then completely ruins by saying "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MARBLES!! YOU'RE IMITATING HOGAN!"...no shit, Sherlock. The Giant actually cuts a decent promo saying that Hogan conned everyone and that he turned on WCW because he couldn't be the big fish when The Giant is around. Jimmy Hart follows that by saying that they will take Hogan out at Hog Wild. We finish with a slow motion shot of Rey being thrown into the trailer (hehe, never gets old) before we fade to black.
WCW – Aaah, Good Times: Well, the backstage assault angle was very well played out. It made the New World Order seem like a big threat and it helped the overall air of anything being possible on Nitro.
WCW – WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well, the downside to that angle was pretty obvious. Not only were we stuck with pretty much shit matches all night due to the "re-shuffling", but the live crowd was completely unaware of what was going on which left them understandably upset.
Anyway, the next show is the last show before Hog Wild and I can pretty much guarantee that nWo will show up to cause more trouble. Until then, I'm Esben Evans, and please don't do anything I wouldn't do.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).