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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello, back despite my intentions to stop writing these (but I had to please my fans…*cough*), here is another edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: January 15th, 1996
Location: Miami, FL

I love the original Nitro intro (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!! ANAGRAM FTW!), exploding buildings, a growling Lex Luger…exploding buildings, what's not to like? (except perhaps Lex Luger >_>)…anywho, after that weird and sort of awkward intro, let's get on with it shall we?

Tonight's Main Event will apparently be Flair Vs Sting for the title (yeah, because we have totally never seen that match before), Hogan will face a random member of the Dungeon of Doom (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!! TERROR! How brave is THAT guy!). Kevin Sullivan & Hugh Morrus will face Arn Anderson and Brian Pillman, and opening the show we'll have Lex Luger Vs Macho Man. Overall it could be all right, but it's WCW so it prolly won't.

Lex Luger Vs Randy Savage

Apparently Savage is next in line for a title shot at whoever wins tonight in the Main Event. I'm all for a title being…you know, defended (I'm looking at you WWE! You actually still have a US Title although you repeatedly seem to forget it) but it's nearing overkill with all these defences on free TV.

Jimmy Hart apparently will come out with Flair tonight, and as a result is not out here with Luger. That makes Luger a saaaad Panda ? (I think…who really cares). Savage's clothes looks particularly badass tonight, could've used more tassels though. Luger starts the match by using his brains (surely a sign of the impending Apocalypse…it sure as hell is a slow ass end of days if that's the case though, 13 years and counting) as he picks up a chair, throws it into the ring and Savage, being the lovable goof that he is, picks it up and is held back by the referee long enough for Luger to beat him to the ground. He then tosses Savage over the top rope with the ref's back turned. THE AUDACITY!

Mongo references the taped up arm of Savage's and claims that whoever wrestles with a fucked up arm for that long is super human...yeah, that or retarded, pick one. Savage fights back by using the steel steps of complete legality and nailing a Top Rope Double Axehandle back in the ring for a 2 count (fun fact: That was actually Jimmy King's finisher in the…errmm…movie? Ready 2 Rumble). The crowd begins to chant "Luger!", I kid you not, they must be high or something. Savage is absolutely dominating though as he beats Lex down in the corner while mainly targeting Luger's throat. The referee proves to be dumber than most as he inexplicably goes in between Savage and Luger after Savage got Lex cornered. Luger of course takes advantage and hits Savage to which the ref then audibly asks him "Hey, did you do something Luger?"…holy fuck, this guy makes WWE's porcelain referees look competent. Savage manages to drop Luger on the top rope and go for his Flying Elbow, only to crash and burn. One Torture Rack later and this match is in the books.

WINNER: Lex Luger

Luger holds on for a few seconds after the bell before letting go. Wow, way to make your next World Title challenger look strong going into the match. This was Luger's fourth win in four matches against Savage.

"Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan & Hugh Morrus Vs Arn Anderson & Brian Pillman…or is it?

The Dungeon's music plays and out comes the entire Dungeon of Doom AND The Four Horsemen. Bischoff claims that this looks like something out of a Godfather movie…well yeah, if the mob would wear a glitter robe and a Mohawk (One Man Gang…who apparently is the new US Champion).

Okerlund comes out to try and make some sense of things (while undoubtedly making less sense than a cricket game). Anderson is annoyed at Pillman for not dressing properly to this "business meeting", despite the fact that Flair is strutting around in aforementioned glitter robe. I totally have to wear one of those to work one of these days. Anderson explains that the Horsemen's main goal is to protect the World Title and that if there's not a financial gain at the other end of something, they won't touch it. He asks Gene if he understands but I think that would require some kind of devine intervention. Anderson says they won't wrestle tonight because there's nothing to gain from it.

Kevin Sullivan now gets the mic and starts off by calling Flair the greatest World Champion of all time (definitely a contender yeah). The Dungeon will apparently lend Flair the service of The Giant at the Clash of Champions, who knows what for. Sullivan goes on to call Anderson underrated and generally praise him as well. He then explodes at Pillman calling him a punk and not Horsemen material. Anderson begins to talk about them not fearing the Dungeon but respecting them, when Brian Pillman interrupts and yells before getting bitch slapped by Arn. Sweet, let's have a look at that one more time in super sweet SLO-MO GIF!:
 
 
 Notice the awesome look that Gene has on his face, that's almost as sweet as the pride obliterating bitch slap itself. Arn channels Stone Cold and tells Pillman that he told him to shut up, Pillman channels Debra and does so before going to bed and crying in his pillow…aaaanywho, Arn says that these kinds of emotional outbursts will stop from now on. Sullivan awkwardly ends the segment by asking Arn if he knows that Hogan is wrestling someone from the Dungeon of Doom tonight, before simply leaving. Okaay?

We apparently get a match that was on standby instead of the scheduled one. HOLY FUCK! One single segment in a random episode of WCW Nitro has just vindicated every single wrestler who for some reason has been backstage during segments in their wrestling gear despite not being on the card! It's because they were on standby if shit like this would happen! Clever!

Public Enemy Vs The American Males

It is Public Enemy's debut tonight. Damn, they were lucky that the original match got cancelled then. Here's a little something for y'all
 
 
, yes it IS indeed, the American Males theme! And on that high note, let us get on with the match.

The American Males start off by stereo Clotheslining their opponents over the top rope. I've brought it up many times before, but that top rope DQ thingy is really iffy, I mean when you consciously Clothesline your opponent over the tope rope, isn't that as bad as throwing your opponent over it? Meh, I'm trying to look for logic in WCW, that's like looking for Paris Hilton's virginity, it's long gone if it was even there to begin with. A small ECW chant starts as Scotty Riggs and Johnny Grunge become the legal members of the match. Riggs gets in control as he goes for a quick pin with a Sunset Flip and hits a Dropkick. Riggs is really setting new standards when it comes to the amount of Dropkicks tried in one match, then again his options are not that good considering he has a more limited move set than Randy Orton. Grunge makes the tag, but for some reason stays in the ring and despite Nick Patrick signalling that the tag was made, it quickly gets completely ignored. Riggs gets the hot tag (or luke warm tag? I mean Riggs got knocked down once, he was hardly dominated) to Bagwell. Rocco Rock on the other hand targets Riggs and lays him out on the outside of the ring. Bagwell doesn't seem to mind though as he takes out both members of Public Enemy as he channels Scotty Riggs with Clotheslines and Dropkicks. Bagwell goes for the most hilarious roll up ever which Rocco Rock breaks up and Grunge instead rolls Bagwell up for the 3 count.

WINNERS: Public Enemy

Bagwell jumps Rocco after the match and gets put through two tables stacked on top of each other with a Senton Bomb of sorts for his troubles, pretty cool visual. Riggs fails to squash the homoerotic nature of his tag team as he lays himself on top of Bagwell for some odd reason afterwards. Apparently Hulk Hogan Vs Meng is gonna be the Main Event, despite the fact that we have a freaking World Title match on the card as well. No wonder WCW folded. On a whole other note, how awesome was the schedule on TNT when Nitro was followed up by this flick:
 
Starring the evil dojo owner from Karate Kid (IMDB ftw!) in an epic kickboxing movie which Bischoff basically describes as an American dude beating up some Chinese dudes, and judging by the picture, IN A FREAKING BOWLING ALLEY! And you think that walking in bowling shoes is uncomfortable? Try doing complicated martial arts moves in them! Now THAT is one badass skill to master! In 8 days time there'll be a Clash of the Champions which features the wedding of Colonel Parker and Sensational Sherri. A wedding at a wrestling event!? Now that probably goes without a hitch.


Ric Flair w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Sting, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Sting starts off by overpowering Flair. Jesus Christ, isn't Flair getting overpowered by pretty much everyone? I wouldn't be surprised to see Rey Mysterio or Alex Wright overpower him in a future episode. Flair tries to throw Sting to the outside but Sting's no selling is on overload at the moment as he gracefully re-enters the ring. Even Hulk Hogan is staring at the monitor backstage shaking his head at this. Sting goes through his move set in an amazing pace as he Hip Tosses, Clotheslines, Dropkicks…and Clotheslines Flair to the canvas. I mean it's not that Sting Vs Flair is a bad match by any means at all, but it's just so fucking formulaic it's nauseating. I think you can probably take any prior match between the two and copy/paste a recap instead of this one. Anyway Sting hits a Superplex before trying a Splash that Flair blocks with his knees before we go to commercials.

As soon as we come back, Sting looks set to mount his come back only to almost hilariously decapitate himself on the top rope. Flair goes for a couple of rope assisted pins in succession until Nick Patrick spots it. Hart distracts the ref and Flair dumps Sting over the top rope. I think that is the only "cheap tactic" ever that drew no crowd reaction at all. Maybe, and okay just maybe, it's because that rule is completely retarded, I dunno. Sting gets Irish Whipped into the corner and explodes out of it with a Clothesline which he follows up with…a Sleeper Hold? Yeah, because nothing says great comeback better than a resthold. Flair counters it with a Back Suplex however laying both men out. Back on their feet, Sting fights back and goes for a dropkick which misses. Flair the goes for the Figure-4 but is countered and Sting almost get the 3 with an Inside Cradle. Sting tries a few different pinning combinations, including one where he moons Flair first and then taunts him by thrusting his pelvis afterwards (!?). Lex Luger waddles out to fuck things up for his partner as he confronts Jimmy Hart and pulls his megaphone right into Stings face as he went for a Stinger Splash. Flair applies the Figure-4 and gets the 3 count from it.

WINNER and STILL WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Ric Flair

Luger apparently goes to check on Sting, but Hogan and Savage comes out and clears the ring of heels (and whatever the fuck Luger is supposed to be). "Mean" Gene gets in the ring to interview the 3 brightly coloured amigos. Hogan says that maybe some sense was finally knocked into Sting's head as he recounts what Luger did at Starrcade as well as tonight. Savage tells Sting to wake up, Sting however asks what they're talking about. Sting doesn't remember what just happened but goes to confront Luger with the accusations. Hogan says that him and Savage has a problem, since he has been on a roll lately while Macho Man has lost 4 times to Luger. Hogan says that Savage doesn't deserve the title shot next week and that Hulk himself should get it instead. Oh you have GOT to be kidding me!!? Hogan got suspended and still got a title shot immediately after returning, and people are supposed to cheer for this guy when he bitches on Savage getting the rematch from Starrcade!? FUCK YOU HULK HOGAN! Savage says that he got the title shot and of course he's going to take it. Hogan really proves to be the worst friend ever as he claims that Savage and him are a single unit and that the freshest man should get it, which he of course feels is him. Savage understandably walks out on Hogan after that before we go to commercials.

Hulk Hogan Vs Meng w/ Kevin Sullivan

How awesome is Meng you ask? Well he beast down a random WCW employee on his way to the ring, THAT'S how awesome he is! Although he became even more awesome when he got the biggest afro of all time, but that's like 4 years into the future with lots of other WCW goodness before that. Meng takes it to Hogan as the numbers game is in effect from the very beginning with Sullivan taking a few shots here and there. Meng and Sullivan both targets Hogan's throat as they prepare to use Meng's golden spike later on, and to be honest I don't even wanna know what the hell that is. Meng for some reason decides to give Hulk a light massage which for a second looks like could spell Hulk's comeback, but for some reason it appears that Meng is the only guy in WCW who Hogan will actually sell to and put over as a threat. Meng goes for a Swandive Headbutt of sorts but misses which enables Hogan to fight back until he is hit with that spike thingy which Hogan of course completely no sells (aaah, that's the Hogan I know). Hogan hits the 3 punches and the Big Boot before Sullivan jumps onto the apron where Savage holds him back long enough for Hogan to steal the spike and hit Meng for the 3 count.

WINNER: Hulk Hogan, go figure

After the match…errm…nothing happens. So all that Dungeon of Doom/Horsemen shit earlier mounted to nothing…yet at least.

WCW – Aaaah, good times: Okay segment with the Dungeon of Doom and the Four Horsemen, with an absolutely beyond awesome slap in the face of Pillman.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Hulk Hogan uses the most ridiculous arguments and hissy fits to try and get Savage's title shot, only for Macho Man to help him in the end anyway!? What the fuck!?...plus the tag that never happened by the Public Enemy, that was just dumb.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).