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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to another edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!!!

Date: January 8th, 1996
Location: Charleston, SC

What a truly inspiring introduction that was, wasn't it? It was the column equivalent of…I dunno, something great that's for sure. But why would I stall your enjoyment (and my misery) any further, let's get on with this week's show.

The announcers open the show by comparing the civil war (something about the first shot of that war being fired here, my guess it was probably done just to get some sort of reaction out of the otherwise completely apathetic Carolinians) to Horsemen Vs Hogan/Savage…well, I guess they were both tragic? Eric Bischoff is wearing glasses tonight for some reason, I guess he wants to look more distinguished and smart or something, sadly he's sitting next to Mongo who still has his pet Chihuahua with him.

Chris Benoit w/ Brian Pillman Vs Alex Wright

Crippler jumps Wright just as he enters the ring, hitting a Snap Suplex and a hard elbow and a Northern Lights Suplex for 2. That'll teach him not to listen to techno. Crippler dumps Alex Wright through the ropes and conveniently distracts the referee, allowing Pillman to choke Wright with his T-Shirt. Seriously, why is it a DQ if you throw someone over the top rope when it's perfectly acceptable to throw someone through them? Anyway, back in the ring Wright actually shows some pretty nifty athleticism by somersaulting over Benoit and then hit a Spinning Wheel Kick before launching Crippler OVER THE TOP ROPE…WITHOUT GETTING DQ'ED!? Oh, apparently it wasn't intentional. I wonder why they never use that excuse when they get DQ'ed for using a chair.

Random Wrestler: "I swear I just tried to keep him ventilated by fanning with this chair and he walked right into it"
Random Douchebag of a Referee: "…fair enough"

Wright hits a huge Cross Body from the top rope to the floor before following that up with…ermm…leaving Crippler to walk after Pillman? Well okay, it's not the most attacking form of wrestling ever seen but whatever. Crippler rolls back into the ring only for Wright to lock him in a Boston Crab and then segue that into an STF which he for some reason decides to let go of. Seriously, does he have ADD or something? Because he can't seem to concentrate on doing one thing at a time. He proves this point by going after Pillman again after he tripped him up. He ultimately pays the price after being countered several times by Crippler only to get hit by the Dragon Suplex for the 3.

WINNER: Chris Benoit

We go to commercial and comes back straight for another match.

"Lord" Steven Regal w/ Jeeves Vs Eddie Guerrero

Well, this ought to be a pretty good match. Regal's mannerisms are pure gold as he's portraying the British upper class stereotype to perfection here. The two wrestlers do a nice bit of chain wrestling to…absolutely no reaction at all (wow, big surprise there). Regal gains some momentum after kicking Eddie in the gut under the guise of going for another test of strength. He tries to use his size to his advantage by using punches and knees, but Eddie begins to fight back with a lot of very pretty flip-floppity counter-attacks. Mongo suddenly comes with a joke about Heenan & Sherri Martel…only problem is that they stopped talking about Sherri getting married to Colonel Parker a few minutes prior. Then again, does it surprise anyone that Mongo is a bit slow…he's nicknamed MONGO for Christ's sake. That's right, he's nicknamed Mongo for Jesus' own entertainment. Eddie tries to most complex pin attempt you have ever seen and logically only gets 2 after spending some 20 minutes applying it. Regal hits a beautiful Inverted Vertical Suplex for a 2 count. Eddie again tries to fight back with a roll up but Regal sits down for 2 before Eddie rolls through for another 2. One hard elbow later and he's down yet again though. This match has been a pure exhibition of technical wrestling and a very hard hitting Regal is only giving this match that much more intensity. The match gets a great surprising ending as well as Regal swings for a punch only for Eddie to roll him up with a backslide for the 3 count. It did look like regal touched the ropes, but whatever. Awesome match, one of the best free TV matches I've seen in a long, long time.

WINNER: Eddie Guerrero

We go to "Mean" Gene who's standing by to interview Lex Luger & Sting. Okerlund references a very lame Whitney Houston movie (shut up, the only reason I know of "Waiting to Exhale" is because I'm a film buff >_>), before asking Sting if he has some questions. Luger suddenly becomes very flustered and wants to go backstage before answering any questions but Sting wants to ask it on national TV. Uh oh. Someone call Jerry Springer. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! Sting, of course, wants to talk about the Triangle match at Starrcade. We see the still photos from the event, where Luger holds Sting back thus preventing him from re-entering the ring in time to beat the count out. Sting wants to know what the hell that was about. Luger says he did it because he had injured his knee prior to this and reached out for Sting like he always has because Sting is such a good friend…wow…that's actually a pretty nice save. Sting not only accepts that reasoning but also accepts Luger's proposal to form a steady tag team. Awww, they're going steady, no more casual action between these two.

We come back from commercials with a preview of WCW Saturday Night which includes an interview with Mike Ditka (random NFL buffoon legend), and surprisingly enough, a World Title rematch between Flair and Savage.

Diamond Dallas Page Vs Sting

YES! I probably have already mentioned this, but DDP is my all time favourite wrestler…sure, he's going up against Sting and he was nowhere near the Main Event back in early 96 so he doesn't stand a chance, but he's awesome nonetheless. Sure NOW you give a reaction Carolina. Sting was over beyond fucking anyone at this point.

DDP begins the match by rubbing his cigar in Sting's face. HA! Classy! He follows up by knocking Sting down and kicking him. He goes for the ropes but a nice spot sees Sting sidestep DDP resulting in him being caught between the third and second ropes before Sting dropkicks him out and follows up with a Flying Cross Body over the top rope. The rare moment where what appears to be a botched move turns out to be awesome happens as Sting is supposed to leapfrog DDP only to get head butted in the groin instead .
This results in Page to regain control for a bit with a Back Suplex and a Swinging Neckbreaker for 2. DDP locks in a headlock and uses the ropes to his advantage right in front of the referee. Eventually the ref drops the arms but only gets 2 before Sting fights back to his feet only for SSP to pull him back down by the hair. Sting finally gets out of it by hitting an elbow to the gut and his trademark Face Plant before hitting an Inverted Atomic Drop and a Stinger Splash. He goes for the Scorpion Death Lock but DDP reaches the ropes and gets to the apron before snapping Sting's neck across the top rope. The back and forth between the two ensues until Sting rolls out of a Back Suplex attempt, trips DDP and locks in the Scorpion Deathlock successfully for the win.

WINNER: Sting

After a short squabble (a surprisingly intelligent one) between the announcers regarding the Main Event, we go straight to it.

Arn Anderson & Ric Flair Vs Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage

Randy Savage & Arn Anderson appears to start the match, Savage still blaming Arn for the Starrcade loss, but Flair tags in before they can get to it. Hogan follows suit and tags in as well, leaving Flair to get manhandled as per usual in any Hogan Vs Flair scenario. Have I mentioned how much I hate Hogan? And not just because it's fashionable, but because while you guys watch your WWE and complain about your Triple H's and John Cena's, I'm watching Hogan, a much worse wrestler, dominate week in and week out without any merit…at all, ruining each show with his bigger than god persona…FUCK YOU HOGAN! FUCK YOU!

…aaaaanywho, Hogan no sells Flair's offence…big surprise there before hitting a Big Boot. Arn tries to come in, but Hogan simply Clotheslines both opponents a couple of times before Scoop Slamming both causing them both to roll to the outside. Anderson tags in and…well…gets manhandled by Hogan who then tags Savage in. Arn ends up on the apron and gets Big Booted down by Hogan before Savage delivers a Double Axe Handle from the turnbuckle. Flair gets back in the ring and he takes control for a bit before climbing the tope rope and…well…you know. Savage locks in the Figure-4 on Flair and Hogan locks it in on Anderson who tries to intervene. Arn however, being positioned right next to Savage, rakes the eyes of the Macho Man. Hogan surprisingly lets go of Arn and walks to his corner while Anderson DDT's Savage. Hulk does however manage to break the pin up in time. Flair sends Savage over the top rope behind the referee's back and Arn proceeds to beat him up on the outside, before going to commercials.

We return with Arn having Savage in an Abdominal Stretch in the Horsemen's corner. Flair & Arn continues using really good tag team wrestling to keep Savage isolated in their corner, and I mean tag wrestling like you see way too rarely these days. They are in my mind one of the best heel tag teams of all time or at least in the 90's. Savage suddenly counters Flair 3 times in a row into various cradles each one only getting 2, but fails to make the tag before Flair regains control. Savage finally gets the hot tag after blocking a DDT attempt from Arn and Flair actually pushing him the final few steps towards Hogan. Mongo says the funniest line of the night (albeit probably unintentionally) "This was the plan all along, Savage was to wear them down and Hogan is to finish the job", yeah, that's probably even how Hogan described it at the booking meeting. Savage suddenly springs to life and throws Arn back in the ring after Hulk Clotheslines both opponent's over the top rope (UNINTENTIONALLY over the top rope). Hogan completely no sells a Spinebuster before landing the Big Boot and the Leg Drop for the 3. Pillman & Crippler tried to interfere but was derailed by Kevin Sullivan (o-kay? So he's helping Hogan now?)

WINNERS: Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage

After the bout, The Giant enters the ring and Chokeslams both Hogan & Savage. Zodiac holds him back before the screen fades to black.

WCW – Aaaah, good times: Regal Vs Eddie was awesome, DDP Vs Sting was solid and, most importantly, very balanced. The wrestling was overall very good tonight.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well overall a very good show, but Hogan is tiring as hell. No one cares about Zodiac suddenly getting feelings or whatever, and I know people usually wants less non-match segments, but I could've used at least an interview more as we need more storylines please.

Well until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).