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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to both of my readers (sadly not even joking about that one), to another edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!!!

Date: January 1st, 1996
Location: Atlanta, GA

I know what you're thinking, "wait, you're not dead!?" but yeah, I just really had a lot of other stuff I had to do…and by other stuff I mean watch movies and get drunk. HEY YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! (hehe, take THAT official TWF writers!). We're only a few days removed from the Starrcade Pay-Per-View which ended with Ric Flair winning his 12th World Title. We also saw a bunch of random Japanese guys lose to a team that included Alex Wright in the WORLD CUP OF WRESTLING!!! I guess they didn't think "Tournament of Utter Pointlessness" sounded as flattering, go figure. AAAAAAAANYWHO! On to this week's "exciting" spectacle of 45 minutes worth of complete apathy.

Aaah, nothing like mending your New Year's hangover with watching big sweaty men fake hitting each other. Apparently, Ric Flair will defend the World Title tonight against…*sigh*…well, he's big, he's orange, he's annoying, he has single-handedly fucked up almost every Main Event since I began this shit, either by interfering for no reason or…well…being in it, he is of course Hulk Hogan. I like how the WCW officials suspend him, only to then give him a FUCKING TITLE SHOT immediately after! Mongo says that the fans know they're gonna see something tonight…well, yeah, I guess a pile of shit is something.

Arn Anderson Vs Randy Savage

This match was made after Arn helped Flair win the World Title match. Obviously you could beg the question why Savage didn't get a rematch tonight instead, but then again, Hulk Hogan is back and he needs his ego fed regularly, he sure does love the smell of freshly squashed wrestler in the morning. Mongo is outraged that Flair won the title because of cheating, despite the fact that Savage busted Flair open with a megaphone. BUT HE WAS FACE, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT AS CHEATING!!! [/fan law]

Arn attempts to take down Savage just as he enters the ring, but Macho Man wrestles with a fire in his belly (Pepto-Bismol ftw!) and begins beating up Arn with his ring jacket on, tassels flying everywhere as he takes him to the outside and uses the ring steps of legality to hurt him. HOLY FUCK! A man in a Johnny B. Badd T-shirt!
 
I get the fact that nWo, DX, and 3:16 T-shirts were somewhat acceptable and even "cool" back in the day, but I somehow don't think wearing a Marc fucking Mero T-shirt falls into that category. [/random observation]

Arn takes control once back in the ring, but only for a short while as Savage hits a Top Rope Double Axe-Handle. Meanwhile the announcers are trying to find excuses for Savage's loss, talking about all the title defences before Starrcade. He would've of course have lost every single one of them if it hadn't been for Hogan waddling out drawing a DQ every time…but still. Out of nowhere Bischoff says "WCW – often imitated, never duplicated", tell that to TNA because god knows they're trying their very best. Arn FINALLY gets a longer spell of dominance as he targets Savage's bad arm. Seriously, what the hell is up with that arm!? It has been bandaged for over a month, and we've never really been told what's up with it. I guess it looks cool though. Arn hammers it into the post and down on the apron before locking in an Armbar. Savage gets a foot under the rope, which the ref actually spots but then he just shrugs his shoulders and does nothing. Okaaaay? Savage looks to be fighting back when, all of the sudden, Arn hits his DDT. Anderson goes for the pin but Savage gets a foot on the bottom rope. The referee gets knocked down as Arn goes for a second DDT. This enables Arn to produce a set of Brass Knuckles from his tights which Savage steals and uses for the 3 count.

WINNER: Randy Savage

Commercials brought to you by Twix…and straight to another match.

"Lord" Steven Regal Vs Chris Ben oit

Mongo claims he likes to see two evil schnoofs do battle…what the hell is a schnoof!? Anyway, it's really hard to joke about a match where you have two wrestlers with this much technical ability going up against each other…luckily for me, one of them is The Crippler so I guess I could make one or two jokes on that account. What do you mean "they've been done to death"!?...hehe, death.

AAAAANYWHO, the two wrestlers start off with exchanging blows and holds very rapidly. Chain wrestling ftw. Mongo is in awe of Regal's Chinlock, saying how he's never seen a Chinlock perfected to that degree before…then again, he's never had to endure a Randy Orton match at that time…oh, and by the way Mongo IT'S NOT A FUCKING CHINLOCK, IT'S A FREAKING CRAVAT! (I only know that because of my insane hetero love for DDP). The chain wrestling finally ends with an awesome looking German Suplex from Crippler which swings the momentum in his favour. It doesn't last long though as Regal returns the favour with a Butterfly Suplex. The back and forth between the two returns however instead of simple submission holds they're using power moves, which ultimately culminates in a Tombstone Piledriver from Crippler which sends Regal rolling to the outside. Crippler crash and burns on the outside as Eric comments "Aerial moves is one thing, suicide is another"…yeah, I'm gonna let that one simmer for a bit……………okay, let's continue. Regal rolls him back into the ring and…gets the 3 count!?

WINNER: "Lord" Steven Regal

Wow, that was anti-climactic. We go down to the ring with "Mean" Gene and the 4 Horsemen…or the 3 Horsemen, considering that Flair is nowhere to be seen. Brian Pillman yells at Arn & Crippler for losing their matches. Benwah says the only way that anyone can beat him is by luck. Arn says that he tired of Pillman starting wars that they don't need to fight. For some reason, the Dungeon of Doom apparently feels hurt by Pillman's comments as Kevin Sullivan and Zodiac come waddling out in all of their retarded glory. Before they can reach the ring however, The Giant comes out and pulls them backstage like an annoyed soccer mom.

The Super Assassins w/ Colonel Parker Vs Sting & Lex Luger

The big story is of course that Luger prevented Sting from getting a title shot at Starrcade by holding him out of the ring to get counted out. Just as the match is about to begin, the announcers are interrupted by the token black guy of the evening AKA Sgt. Pittman, who are still trying to get a manager (and get people to care about him). Pittman shows just how desperate he is in his search as he tries to get STEVE FUCKING McMICHAEL to manage him. Mongo declines. Pittman kills himself. Well at least that's what he should've done, if you're rejected by that turd, you've hit rock bottom.

HOLY FUCK THERE'S A MATCH GOING ON! One of the Super Assassins…don't really know if there's supposed to be any difference between these two, but he's stretching out Sting in a Gory Stretch (…if there's such a thing). The Assassins are double teaming Sting, before he gets the hot tag behind the referee's back…it's funny how that never happens to the heel wrestlers. Luger is not happy about this, and his endless hissy fit enables the Assassins to hit a nice looking Suplex/Top Rope Spear combo. Sting finally gets the hot tag after one of the Super Assassins missed with a Top Rope Splash of sorts and Luger cleans house before locking one of them in a Torture Rack and Sting locks the other in a Scorpion Deathlock for the submission victory.

WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger

Okerlund is gonna interview The Giant & Jimmy Hart. Hart starts off the interview by calling Gene short…which would've been a much better insult if it hadn't been for the fact that they are around the same damn height. Hart says that he will always surround himself with winning clients such as Flair, The Giant & The Dungeon of Doom…okay, I can dig Flair and Giant, but DoD AKA Team Cannon Fodder!? The Giant is angry about Hogan costing him the title a few weeks prior as we see the replay of the incident and I got to say. I agree, which just shows how stupid this shit has been booked, you should NEVER agree with a fucking heel. He says that Hogan will get what's coming to him. Gene apparently doesn't understand what The Giant is saying but to him it seems that the big man is guaranteeing a victory for Flair tonight…wow, no shit Sherlock.

Ric Flair Vs Hulk Hogan – WCW World Heavyweight Title Match (because nothing says No.1 Contender more than getting your ass suspended)

Hogan starts out by swatting Flair to the match a few times to, you know, SHOW HOW FREAKING AWESOME HE IS! By the way, there's this one fan who is kinda freaking me out a bit since he has been at EVERY DAMN SHOW I'VE SEEN SO FAR, and to top that off HE'S ALWAYS DRESSED AS HULK FUCKING HOGAN!...I dunno why I had to use caps to say that…aaaaaanywho, there's a match going on.

Flair is chopping Hogan from corner to corner and, get this, Hogan is actually selling. I'm actually pleasantly surprised, normally he just freezes and-…oh never mind. Hogan starts to no sell as usual until he gets caught with an elbow. Flair tries to take advantage by climbing the ropes and as usual gets thrown off. The fight spills to the outside where Hogan proceeds to no sell (go figure) the ring barrier. The match finally begins to unravel as Flair chop blocks Hogan and begins to work over the knee until eventually locking in the Figure 4-Leg Lock after a short while. Hogan counters it thus forcing Flair to release the hold as Jimmy Hart suddenly makes it to the ring. Hogan goes over to Hart and…ermm…looks at him? This gives Flair time to recover and go after the knee of Hogan once more. Flair hits a Vertical Suplex and Hogan begins to twitch!? Flair goes for the pin but not only does Hogan kick out, but he goes in full headbanging Hulk Up mode. Flair, being a dumb fuck, of course punches him until Hogan kicks his ass, lands the Big Boot and a Leg Drop. Hart distracts Hogan and the referee which allows Arn Anderson to nail Hogan with the Brass Knuckles…which Hogan, being the arrogant prick he is, no sells. Hogan finds the illegal object in Arn's trunks and shows them to the ref who promptly DQs Flair…the hell!?

WINNER: Hulk Hogan by DQ

Why the fuck would Hogan cost himself the title like that!? Fuck THAT shit! Anyway, the Horsemen all come out to get a collective ass whooping by the Hulkster. The Giant tries to sneak up from behind with a wooden chair by Randy Savage comes out to aid Hogan. Zodiac for some reason tards completely out and yells "No!" and "Hurt!" while pushing Giant back…what the fuck is going on!? Bischoff says they will try and make some sense of this by bringing down "Mean" Gene to the ring. Sorry, but isn't that the equivalent of trying to put a fire out with gasoline?

Gene says that what happened in the ring was wilder than his New Year's Eve party last night. His party DID involve a few more semi-naked men though. Hogan says that his and Savage's business apparently has become one and the two issue a challenge to Flair & Arn for next Monday Nitro. Oh god, I feel like a Vietnam veteran reliving past horrors as I think about the almost exact same tag match (Sting instead of Savage) that infuriated me beyond anything imaginable. Hogan & Savage begins to rant about weapons, space (!?) and the Giant. Hogan calls the 4 Horsemen, Shetland Ponies which actually made me laugh a bit as they finally conclude this rambling mess of an interview. The announcers discuss next week's Main Event before fading to black.

WCW – Aaaah, good times: Well…errm…Regal Vs Benwah was decent, so was Savage Vs Arn

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well, the Main Event for starters, talk about formulaic. Hogan really pisses me off with pretty much everything he does. The show was fucking blander than Cody Rhodes. No new storylines, at least none that actually progressed. Overall, horrible show.

Well that's it for this time, I would tell you to leave feedback but as you probably won't do it anyway it doesn't really matter. Until next time, I'm The Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).