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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hey y'all and welcome to another edition of the internet wrestling recap that is probably read by fewest people in total, it's…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: December 25th, 1995
Location: Fuck knows, USA

And we begin immediately off the bat with a match…a pseudo-grudge match actually…you know…sort of.

Lex Luger w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Scotty Riggs w/o His Life Partner

This match is of course made (and by "of course", I actually mean "I guess") because of Luger cleanly beating Bagwell last week. That apparently did not go down well at all with Scotty Riggs, so he challenged Luger for a match. Luger starts off swiftly with a knee to the gut and a few clubbing blows, but Scotty Riggs turns the tide by unleashing all the Dropkicking goodness that you could possibly want (for those who are counting, that means 2 dropkicks) and a Flying Forearm which sends Luger to the outside. Luger gets back in the ring and immediately does what he does best (no, I don't mean inject a needle in his arm) as he hits a knee and some clubbing blows…again. Riggs counters with an Armdrag and around one and a half minute into the match, we have our first resthold, an Armbar. The announcers discuss Sting and whether or not he will join forces with the dark side (Darth Luger?) or still continue to be friends with Hogan. That really ought to be a no brainer after seeing Hogan coax Randy Savage, his BFF, into giving him a title shot, because he totally deserves it after ruining every single world title match in WCW since losing it with his illogical need to DQ Savage. Back to the match, where Riggs hits ANOTHER Armdrag/Armbar combo, before ultimately missing a, you guessed it, Dropkick. Scotty survives and hits a Cross Body Block for 2, before getting hung on the ropes. HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT AT RINGSIDE!? A giant bee!? I would totally mark out if that bee ended up being the newest member of the Dungeon of Doom…and not at all surprised actually. Aaaaanywho, back to the match where Riggs are mounting his big comeback with a Back Body Drop and an Inside Cradle for 2. Riggs goes up top for a Missile Dropkick only for Luger to sidestep him and hit him with a Powerslam and lock in the Torture Rack for the win.

WINNER: Lex Luger

Bischoff claims that Luger has turned the Rack into an art form...well I'm all for putting this new art form on exhibition if it means that we get to encase Luger in granite (and Scotty Riggs for that matter). Here to make this segment go from bad to worse, we have our own black hole of common sense, "Mean" Gene Okerlund, who's standing by with Sting (who for some reason gets pyro as he comes down the ramp). Okerlund wishes everyone a merry Christmas and says that he hopes Heenan gets a Christmas too (okaaaay?). Gene has to ask the question that has been repeated over and over and over again these past weeks "Sting…Luger…WHAT'S UP WIT DAT!?". Sting echoes my thoughts as he says enough is enough with that damn question. Sting says that he won't diss Luger, and that Luger may have snapped but he's trying to straighten him up. They talk about the triangle match a bit more, before suddenly mentioning that Sting is in the WCW Vs New Japan competition as well, marking one of the first times it's been mentioned despite the fact that it fills up around 80 % of the damn card. Sting basically says that there's no way in hell that New Japan are gonna win in at Starrcade, because we're American DAMMIT! USA! USA! USA!

Sting Vs Big Bubba Rogers

Sting comes out despite the fact that he could've saved a lot of time by just staying at ringside after his interview. But then again, everyone knows that if you don't get an official entrance, you have to job. Without the blazer and the tie, Big Bubba sort of looks like an Amish (CHICKEN!!!).

Bubba goes on the offence at first (even hitting a pretty funny looking Enziguri). But as in any other Sting match, Sting fires up and hits a Face Plant. Bubba goes to the outside for what seems like an eternity, and – HOLY FUCK THIS MATCH IS BORING!...seriously, nothing happens, Bubba gets back in the ring, they tumble about some more, in what appears to be slow motion. I lose focus eve more as I overhear the announcers talking about Hulk Hogan being suspended! YES! YES! YES! OH MY GOD, YES! Best news I've had in a looong time (though considering it happened over 10 years ago, I guess it doesn't really qualify as "news"). The match continues but I don't really care as I sit a bit disappointed over the fact that I don't have a bottle of champagne to break open over the Hogan suspension. Sting suddenly gets a roll up out of nowhere and gets a 3 count.

WINNER: Sting

We return from a commercial break with one of the most retarded things I have ever seen in my life, and yes, it's of course Okerlund, BUT it's Okerlund with a Christmas hat on . He starts to ramble about Jimmy Hart wearing bowling shoes, but luckily that's another story for another time. Much to my amusement he actually calls Starrcade, "The granddaddy of the all". Gene just won't let it go as he now asks Luger what the deal is between him and Sting, he of course gets the answer as usual (no deal, friends for a long time, yada yada yada). Luger once again claims to be the uncrowned World Champ. Jimmy Hart begins reiterating what Luger just said, when Sgt. Craig Pittman (aka token black guy) comes out and flat out asks Jimmy whether or not he'll manage him to the world title (AHAHAHAHA!). Hart wants Pittman to take of his shirt and begins to compare Pittman's physique with Luger's, when all of a sudden it cuts to the next match. I guess whoever taped this was just as creeped out about that as I am.

Dean Malenko Vs Mr. JL

I love Malenko, seriously I do, but that has to be one of the gayest looking vests of all time (coming in second only to Chris Jericho's from last Monday night on Raw). JL decides to stretch out on the ropes when the bell rings, resulting in him getting dropkicked in the back. Malenko hits a sweet looking trapped T-Bone Suplex for a 2 count and a Flapjack almost immediately after that. The two engage in a sweet looking spot where they continue to counter each other's moves before JL finally manages to hit a Flying Head Scissors. The two keep on exchanging momentum before Malenko hits a sweet looking Powerbomb into an Ally-Oop sending JL throat first down on the top rope. JL tries to mount a comeback but all he really gets out of his attembt is a top rope Gut Buster. One sweet looking Leg Lock after and this (waaaay too short) match is over.

WINNER: Dean Malenko

We have yet another interview lined up, and just like the past two weeks, Gene will interview Flair about a lot of pointless things, and a certain triangle match. Flair talks about winning the title tonight when Jimmy Hart interrupts. Hart apologizes for last week's altercation between Kevin Sullivan and the Horsemen. Hart then asks if he can manage Flair tonight as a way of saying thank you for saving his life a few weeks back on Nitro (CONTINUITY!!!), Flair says no problem and we're off with tonight's Main Event.

Randy Savage Vs Ric Flair, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Ric Flair actually does a Sting and comes out with a full entrance after the commercial break, what the hell is up with the time wasting. It's gonna be interesting to see how Savage can lose by DQ when Hulk Hogan isn't in the building (JOY!).

Flair starts on the offence for a few seconds after Savage spits in his face, but Macho Man quickly goes after Flair's knee and slams it into the ring post. The announcers talk about Hogan's suspension, and McMichaels, being the retard that he is, says that he tried to prevent Hogan for doing anything stupid by running to the ring last week…that was of course after Hogan had blasted 2 or 3 officials and probably already had done enough to get suspended by that point. Savage applies the Figure-4 after just a minute or so on Flair. Jimmy Hart pushes the bottom rope towards Flair and he reaches it, only for the referee to hilariously kick Flair's hand away. Biased? Who, me? NOOOOO, not at all. Flair reaches the ropes on his own shortly afterwards and the referee half-assed tries to make Savage release the hold, after an enternity, he finally does so. Flair counters a "10 punch" attempt in the corner with an inverted Atomic Drop and goes for the Figure-4 himself, only for Savage to roll him up for a 2 count. Flair hits a low kick from the corner after the referee tries to get Savage away and Flair sends him to the outside where he and Jimmy Hart proceed to beat him up. Savage grabs a chair from the outside after being sent into the guardrail, though for some reason, he chose one with an extreme amount of padding on it. It sort of looks like a freaking pillow would be a better choice than that one. He sort of then just gives it to the referee…okaaay? Though considering that the referee has been a bit shady during this match, I wouldn't put it past him to go all Montreal on Flair's ass. Flair finally starts to work over Savage's injured arm, as Eric calls Savage an iron man for defending his title so often, granted he would've lost the title against both Luger and The Giant if it hadn't been for Hulk…but hey, an iron man indeed. Flair turns his arm lock into a pretty innovative pinning attempt in which he gets around five 2 counts. Savage almost manages to fight back with a Clothesline, and then manages to do so with a Backslide, and a few punches. Flair in a pretty funny image does his "beg off opponent" spot when Macho Man IS LYING ON THE MAT! What makes the whole situation even funnier is when Flair proceeds to turn his ass towards the approaching Savage in the corner (!!?). The referee somehow thinks it would be a good idea to obstruct his own view, thus allowing Flair to low blow Macho. This referee is without a doubt one of the most incompetent ones I have ever seen. Flair continues to stay in control until Savage locks in a Sleeper Hold from out of nowhere. This of course only lasts for about 10 seconds until Flair hits a Shin Breaker. This is of course Flair's cue to work over the leg and he finally gets to lock in the Figure-4. After struggling for a while, Randy gets the bottom rope. Damn, this match is just dragging on and on and on, I'm all for long matches, if…well...you know, it wasn't so damn boring. Flair pretty much has the match won, so what does he decide to do? He goes to the top rope of course, and as usual gets caught and thrown off. Savage opens up with a few Clotheslines before Flair looks to have shut him down again with a Sleeper but he counters and sends Flair into the turnbuckle. Finish comes when Jimmy Hart tries to trip up Savage only to get punched for his troubles, this sends Lex Luger in the role of Hulk Hogan down to attack Macho Man and cause the DQ.

WINNER: Randy Savage, by…surprise…DQ

HOW GOD DAMN HARD IS IT TO HAVE A FREAKING TITLE MATCH THAT ACTUALLY ENDS WITH A CLEAN FUCKING FINISH!!!!?

Luger and Savage exchange punches as Sting suddenly makes his way to the ring only to get jumped by Ric Flair. The whole issue here of course being whether Sting came to help Luger or Savage. Savage sends Luger to the outside and Sting sends Flair to the outside, Savage the pushes Sting before delivering a pride obliterating Bitch Slap which Sting instantly retaliates. And we go off the air, FINALLY!

WCW, Aaaah good times: Holy fuck this show was beyond bad. I'll give it to Malenko for being awesome. Oh, and that giant bee. That was beyond awesome!

WCW, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The whole show was piss poor. Boring matches, minimal shilling for the PPV, same god damn interviews we've heard last several weeks. I seriously apologize for not being funny at all, but this show was like a black hole, sucking every last drop of humour out of my body while watching it.

Good riddance it's over and I dread…no, REALLY dread what I have to do next. See, the next recap will be a loooong one as I will try and tackle the beast that is, WCW Starrcade 1995. Wish me luck. Until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).