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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

So, since I have no hangover this week (yay!), I would like to welcome y'all to yet another edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: December 18th, 1995
Location: Augusta, Georgia

Anyway, we start this week off with an image of Pepé (Steve McMichael's pet rat…or dog, the verdict is still out on that one) wearing a Mexican bandidos outfit that looks to be coming straight from a Chevy Chase movie. Actually, there is some sort of resemblance between Pepé & Martin Short, so who knows, maybe he really were in that movie. Before I can get a clear sense of what the fuck they're talking about (bear with me, it's hard enough to do that when you're not entering the conversation midway through), they get interrupted by W.W.F. Women's Champion, Alundra Blayze. She tells everyone to shut up before saying that she is Madusa, always was Madusa and always will be Madusa. Everyone then proceeds to turn to stone and she sort of just stands there awkwardly before walking off again…or she just threw the W.W.F. Women's Title in the trashcan, I forget. She says she is now with the WCW, and that it is now where the big girls play too. Now normally I would probably wonder why she would leave a federation that actually has a woman's division (or at least they had) and join one whose most prominent females are Sensational Sherri and Kimberly (sorry, the Diamond Doll), but since I know the answer (she was paid a fuckload of cash), I'll let that one slip. Bischoff is in shock, while Steve McMichael bitches about being interrupted all the time. To keep that from happening again (FUCK!), he brings out William "The Refrigerator" Perry…"The Refrigerator"…seriously…why the fuck would you use that as a nickname. I mean sure, it's big and…cold? But it's not exactly the hardest thing to avoid…well, except if you're Big Daddy V or, by the look of things, Mr. Perry himself. AAAANYWHO, on to the first match of the evening, and what could appear to be a good one…

Eddie Guerrero Vs Ric Flair

Eddie Guerrero starts in the ring without an entrance. Gee, I wonder who'll win. Bischoff says that Eddie has been stealing the hearts of wrestling fans all over the place. Now there's an extremely insensitive joke ready to be made here, but I won't since it was pretty tragic he died of that damn heart failure, kinda makes me wish that he had stolen the hearts of a much healthier group of people than wrestling fans.

The two starts off with Flair constantly trying to get a hold of Guerrero, but Eddie is too quick and manages to slip out of his grasp again and again. Flair goes for an Irish Whip, he gets reversed but manages to hold on to the ropes. For some reason though, he stops with his back turned on Eddie, which of course ends in him getting Dropkicked in the back. Flair rushes towards Guerrero a few times but gets Drop Toe-Hold'ed every time before Eddie makes the Flair strut to a surprising amount of boos from the fans. Eddie hits a few dropkicks before missing one, leaving him in agony. That's something I never understood, why the fuck would it hurt less to jump into the air, kick your opponent and land on your back, than jumping into the air, miss your opponent, and land on your back. I wonder why the hell I even bother trying to make sense of a business like this, it's not like creative in WWE and TNA do, or WCW did. Eddie tries a couple of various cradles but only gets 2. Bobby Heenan talks about how everywhere he goes, airports, hotels, people are talking about Eddie Guerrero and how they chant "EDDIE! EDDIE! EDDIE!". I actually tried that once, but it didn't catch on that well in the bus, people mostly just stared at me before I was kicked off at the following stop.

Ric Flair gets in control before another one of his chop flurries in the corner backfires, somehow they always do that with Flair's opponent *Insert their name here*ing up, in this case Eddieing up. Eddie then hits a nice Tornado DDT for another 2 count. Eddie then hits a Springboard Hurricanrana but again it's only good enough for 2. Eddie climbs to the top rope, but Flair stumbles in to the ropes causing Guerrero to fall to the floor and hurt his knee. It's pretty convenient how Flair's opponents always hurt their legs in some way. If Eddie didn't clearly show that his knee was hurting by moaning in agony and clutching it with his hands, he actually audibly says "Aww, my knee!" to the camera. Flair instantly goes after the injured knee and smashes it against the guard rail, before rolling Eddie back into the ring and applying the Figure 4-Leg Lock, and after a short while and with Flair being aided by the ropes, Eddie fails to get his shoulders up in time.

WINNER: Ric Flair

After the match Flair is joined in the ring by Arn Anderson, and "Mean Gene" (*sigh*) for a post match interview. Gene starts to talk but gets angry when Flair continues to stomp Eddie down, he even goes so far as to threaten Flair by saying that he'll stop the interview instantly if he doesn't stop (YES! OH PLEASE DO! PLEASE!). Arn addresses what happened last week with Paul Orndorff, saying that if you mess with one Horseman, you mess with the entire group. Kevin Sullivan interrupts by saying that he respects both Arn & Ric, but that he felt insulted by how Pillman dissed the Dungeon of Doom last week. YEAH! HOW DARE HE INSULT A GROUP THAT OVER THE TIME HAS INCLUDED A YETI (YETAAY!), AN UGANDAN WILDMAN, AND A MAN PAINTED AS A SHARK!!!. Sullivan says that they better keep Pillman on a short leash or they will come after them. Flair tries to smooth over things, but Arn says that if the Dungeon comes looking for Pillman they might just find Flair & Anderson. We go to the announcers who are suddenly joined by Sgt. Craig Pittman a.k.a. Jobber. Pittman shows some nifty promo skills when he even fails to fucking talk into the microphone requiring Bischoff to actually hold it for him. He says that he has discovered that Heenan was one of the best managers of all time…why thank you Sherlock Holmes for solving that one. He wants Bobby Heenan to manage him to the World Title…and I want 1 billion dollars, but some things'll never happen. Heenan actually lets him down pretty easy, even going so far as to hold back his laughter, and by saying that he'll help him find someone else. Pittman says that if he doesn't get a manager soon, he'll take no prisoners…whatever the hell that means.

Lex Luger w. Jimmy Hart Vs Marcus Bagwell w/o Scotty Riggs & Entrance

Luger makes his way to the ring as the camera shows a sorry looking kid with the words "Flex with Lex" drawn on his face…or actually it was "Flex with Lx". Bagwell doesn't get an entrance, thus pretty much dooming him before the bell. Luger starts off with a hip toss, but Bagwell quickly shows his speed and agility by performing a flurry of moves, including the funniest looking standing Monkey Flip you'll ever see. Luger bails to the ring apron and is actually distracted by his manager resulting in him getting dropkicked off the apron. Luger gets in the ring again and gets on the offence with what appears to be him walking continuously into Bagwell. Scotty Riggs suddenly comes out to "even up the score" or whatever. Bagwell regains control when Luger runs into the turnbuckle, and looks good until attempting a big splash which Luger counters by lifting his knees. A powerslam and a Torture Rack later, and that is all she wrote.

WINNER: Lex Luger

The announcers claim that the WCW is the world…which actually means that they owe me a few pay checks I guess. Okerlund is out for another "exciting" interview, with the king of charisma, Luger himself. Luger says that he's breastless in anticipation (…okaaaay?). Luger thinks he's the uncrowned World Champion and he has some footage to back him. He says he made Savage submit, and actually tells us that the definition of that word means "to give up"…why, thank you Lex for that lesson, I had always wondered what the hell the announcers were talking about. They then walk off…without ever showing the footage they promised me, and I feel SO robbed right now.

Earl Robert Eaton w. Jeeves Vs Sting

Bischoff thinks Jeeves sounds like a skin condition, and I kid you not, Mongo laughs heartily at that joke…holy fuck, if he thought that was funny, he must think my columns are fucking hilarious! Aaaanywho, Eaton starts off by putting Sting in a side head lock, but Sting pushes him off and then flips him with his feet. Eaton gets on the offence once more by utilizing some fairly boring move, i.e. punches, punches, punches before locking in an armbar. Sting fights out of it and hits a hip toss, but Eaton retains control with a nice looking Backbreaker. Eaton goes for a top rope Knee Drop but misses, and Sting immediately takes over, hits a Stinger Splash and locks in the Scorpion Death Lock for the win.

WINNER: Sting

Yet again, here is Gene Okerlund, this time he'll interview Sting. Gene begins to ramble (SURPRISE!) about this being a hard time to interview people because of eggnog or something? So basically he just admitted being a drunken bastard…why am I not the least bit surprised about that?
Gene wants to talk about the triangle match at Starrcade. I think it's funny that they are barely mentioning the big "World Cup" between USA & Japan at the Pay-Per-View, but only that damn triangle match. Sting says he won't forget what Flair did at Halloween Havoc (CONTINUITY!!!), Sting says that he would love to become World Champion again, even by defeating Luger. AND NOW! It's time for tonight's Main Event!

Randy Savage © Vs The Giant w. Kevin Sullivan & Jimmy Hart – WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Bischoff mentions that Hogan hasn't appeared tonight, but considering his streak for ruining Main Events, I have a pretty bad feeling about this one. The Giant immediately tries to hit Savage, but every time Savage manages to duck under and make his "swinging my arm like a maniac" pose. Savage suddenly, after one of these dodges, jumps on the back of the Giant and applies a Sleeper Hold. Giant eventually swats him off, but Savage immediately goes on the offence and Clotheslines Giant into Jimmy Hart who was standing on the apron. Savage tries to lift The Giant but only gets a Clubbing Blow to the back for his troubles. Giant goes on the offence with kicks, elbows and the occasional Scoop Slam. He signals for the Chokeslam, but instead decides to Bear Hug him. We come back from a commercial break with Savage lying on the mat. Giant lifts him up but only gets an Eye Rake for his troubles. That's what you get for helping your fellow man, you dick! In a rather amusing spot the referee tries to break it up, he even starts the mandatory 5 count…twice!, but somehow Savage prevails. The champ tries to knock the Giant off his feet with a couple of Clotheslines, but as he goes for the third, he's picked up and brought down with a huge Side Slam. Bischoff claims that The Giant is carrying around Savage like a child…seriously, if that's how Bischoff carries his children, I bet that there's a lot of crying in his house. Giant tosses Savage to the mat, and Randy rolls to the outside. Giant goes after him and rolls him back in the ring before going up top…I repeat, The Giant, FUCKING BIG SHOW, went to the top rope! He tries to hit a funny looking Frog Splash (the ropes looked very close to snapping by the way), but Savage gets out the way. Savage instead climbs the top rope and hits the Flying Elbow Drop, but the Giant kicks out BIG! Giant begins clubbing Savage on the outside and removes some of the padding surrounding the ring before going for a Suplex, but Savage counters nicely by holding on to the nearby ropes thus causing Giant to be the only one connecting with concrete. Savage stands wobbly in the ring while The Giant makes an Undertaker-like sit up before re-entering the ring and nailing a Chokeslam. Giant leg drops Savage and covers him, but before he can get a three count, Hulk Hogan runs in and nails him with a chair. WHAT A DICK!

WINNER: The Giant by DQ

Hogan hits pretty much everyone in the ring, The Giant, Kevin Sullivan, referees. Steve McMichael & "The Refrigerator" tries to calm him down, and it looks like it is working. Hogan gets in the ring and for a moment it actually looks like he's trying to make a pin on Randy Savage (hey, it's Hogan; I wouldn't put it past him).

After a commercial break, Mean Gene asks about why Hogan did what he did and what about his probation. Hogan asks why he hasn't got a title match, considering that both the Giant & Flair (who gets one next week) got one (they were also on probation). Well, it could have something to do with you interfering in everyone else's, YOU DICK! The Giant comes out and yells for Hogan while being restrained by Sullivan &, for some reason, Sgt. Pittman. Hogan responds by running down and blasting him & Sullivan with a chair. Hulk then returns to the ring to state, and I quote, "OOOOH YEEEEAH!". Hogan says he's sick of being on probation (THEN STOP BREAKING THE RULES! DUMBASS!) and he wants a title shot since his name actually still is on the World Title…you know…despite him losing it nearly 2 months ago. Hogan must be like the worst friend ever. Savage says that he first and foremost has to defend the title against Flair next week, and Hogan says he wishes him all the best of luck…you know, they're still friends after all >_>. Savage then says that after he does retain against Flair because he's a "POSITIIIVE THINKAAAAH!", he'll have to get past Starrcade where he defends against the winner of the Triangle match. But after all that, then he'll give him a title shot. NO DON'T DO IT MACHO, HE WON'T JOB!!! Mean gene asks about the rampage Hogan went on again, and Hogan says the first brilliant thing in his entire WCW tenure as he says that he respects both "Refrigerator" Perry, and Steve Michaels (!?), but they should get the fuck out of WCW and stay on the football field (okay, so he said it a little nicer, but still). Savage wants to keep the chair Hogan used because he apparently wants to sell it on E-Bay…you know…despite the fact that E-Bay didn't exist back then, but I digress. The announcers close off by mentioning the Flair-Savage match next week on Nitro and we fade to black.

WCW – Aaah, good times: Much better episode tonight than the last two weeks, the Main Event was surprisingly good up until the end and the opener was not bad either.

WCW – OH MY GOD WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Hogan is such a dick!...seriously…plus the two pointless semi-squashes in the middle, they could've used some of that time by trying to get someone else over and then just have the interview segments with Luger and Sting.

Anyway, that's all for me, remember to read the main site (although if you're lurking around the forum, chances are that you might've come across that already). Until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).