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by Esben Evans

On tonight’s show...Who has stolen DDP’s Battle Bowl ring? Who has Booker T been on the phone with these past weeks? Why were those two questions the most exciting things to happen on this show? Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: July 1st, 1996

Location: Landover, MD

Hello everybody, we’re just 6 days before one of the most important matches ever in the history of wrestling...Steve McMichael Vs Joe Gomez! Damn straight it is! Ah, I kid, how can I say that when none other than Disco Inferno FINALLY challenges for singles gold!...oh and there’s some business with some people invading or something, I haven’t really been paying much attention to it >_>. Tony starts this broadcast off with screaming “You...You are...You are looking live!” if he had sped the delivery up a little bit, it could’ve been a fairly nice hook for a song. The two announcers predictably begin to talk about the hostile takeover match but luckily DDP comes to the rescue and interrupts them! MY HERO! Page says that his Battle Bowl ring has been stolen and he wants the entire place locked down. He then goes a little crazy and accuses Schiavone of stealing it, before stomping off angrily. We get footage of the end of last Nitro where Harlem Heat won the Tag Titles, and apparently Hall & Nash are here tonight as Zbyszko actually says that after this Sunday, “there will be a new world order in professional wrestling” FORESHADOWING! Eric Bischoff makes his return in the second hour, which Tony is probably fuming over. IS TONY THE THIRD MAN!

Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray) (c) Vs The Steiner Brothers (Scott & Rick Steiner)

Booker T again comes out with a cell phone for some reason, which by today’s standards looks comically oversized. Tonight, Randy Savage will face Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and then we’ll fast forward back to the 90s where The Giant will defend the World Title against John “Not-a-fish” Tenta. We’ll get a special look at Rey Mysterio Jr., and then probably 3 special looks at Hulk Hogan not to make him feel left out. All 4 Horsemen are teaming up tonight as well but their opponent’s are unspecified...so they’re probably jobbers.

Scott Steiner and Booker T start off in the ring and Scott is dominating with power offence culminating in a Gorilla Press Slam just before a commercial break. Several policemen are scattered around the ring which is a pretty nice touch to the whole hostile takeover situation. All 4 Horsemen have come out and are sitting by the VIP table while all three women are standing behind them...HA! Seating for women, BALDERDASH! Back in the ring, Stevie Ray has control for a few seconds before Rick Steiner dodges a charge into the corner and hits a German Suplex. Suddenly out comes Colonel Robert Parker who is arriving at ringside looking at his wallet, IS HE THE THIRD MAN!!? Booker T absolutely wipes out Rick Steiner with a Harlem Sidekick and then hits a Cross Body Block from the top rope but as he climbs back on the turnbuckle, Rick catches him and hits him with a Top Rope Overhead Belly To Belly Suplex. Scott Steiner tags in and quickly loses momentum as Booker T hits him with a very stiff looking Side Kick. Booker also hits a Top Rope Splash but Rick breaks it up before he can get the pin. Both Booker T and Scott Steiner subsequently go down as both men tries to hit Clotheslines, which of course ends up with Scott getting the hot tag to Rick Steiner who cleans house. Scott and Stevie then get involved with Scott hitting a Frankensteiner on Booker T before he and Stevie Ray fights to the outside. Rick hits a Top Rope Bulldog on Booker T before signalling for Scott to hoist him up for the Super Top Rope Bulldog. But Colonel Parker hits Rick with his cane and Booker T picks up the pin.

WINNERS: Harlem Heat

Turns out it was a good thing that Booker T dialled wrong when he was trying to reach Colonel Sanders. We go to the VIP table where “Mean” Gene gatecrashes The 4 Horsemen’s soiree as the douche he is. We watch footage of The Horsemen attacking The Renegade & Joe Gomez a month or so back and last week where they cheated against The Rock ‘N’ Roll Express to win, apparently these two jobtastic teams will team up to face them tonight and form the least terrifying alliance of all time. Gene decides to interview all 7 people and I think the general consensus was that they are all awesome, and yes they have Randy Savage’s money.

Disco Inferno Vs Kurasawa

Disco Inferno disco dances quite awhile tonight...until he cuts the music to ask people if they want to see him dance...thanks for giving us a choice...dickhead.

Kurasawa starts off in control and Zbyszko even mentions how awful Disco’s win/loss ratio is...wow, it’s almost as if he doesn’t think that Disco deserves a shot at the Cruiserweight Title!...then again, John Tenta is getting his shot at the World Title later tonight so...I guess this is par for the course for WCW. Both men do a little martial arts pose off before Kurasawa continues to absolutely dominate his opponent and this pretty much continues until Disco’s music suddenly hits. A random disco dude waddles out and the mirror ball drop from the ceiling which allows Disco to swing it into a distracted Kurasawa’s back for the pin...yeah, good luck replicating THAT finish on Sunday (no, it wasn’t a fucking dare, you stupid bastards!).

WINNER: Disco Inferno...which I honestly believe is his first ever win on Nitro

We get back from commercials straight into another match.

Scotty Riggs Vs Diamond Dallas Page

DDP hilariously drags a kid out and forces him to turn out his pockets as the search for the ring continues. We get Duggan backstage in a split screen and he basically tells him that he didn’t steal the ring and he better look somewhere else...which judging by Page pretty much searching everyone on the way to the ring, he already is.

Page is not happy as he starts by absolutely dismantling Scotty Riggs to the joy of...well, me for one. DDP gets Riggs in an Abdominal Stretch for quite a while but eventually gets caught holding the rope by the referee. Riggs uses this distraction to Hip Toss DDP, but Page quickly catches him with a Jawbreaker and goes back on the offence. DDP occasionally gets caught with a few rolls up whenever he gets too cocky, and Riggs does get a little offence in until Page wriggles free from a Scoop Slam and hits the Diamond Cutter for the 3 count...god, I love that move.

WINNER: Diamond Dallas Page

DDP searches Riggs’ for the ring after the match before going up the ramp towards Gene “Sherlock Holmes” Okerlund, who claims to have a good idea where the ring is...he then later on says that he doesn’t have it and that he doesn’t know who has it...WHAT THE FUCK YOU SENILE OLD BASTARD!!

Greg “The Hammer” Valentine Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Savage is still painted in the queerest “war paint” ever. Outside of old school Native Americans I have a hard time thinking of anyone who would willingly adorn red and white war paint, I mean it’s not exactly ideal camouflage...but hey let’s not argue Savage’s sanity too much shall we, after all he would go on to try his hand at rap music so this is pretty much par for the course.

This match starts slooowly with about a billion tie ups as Schiavone and Zbyszko but talk about having butterflies in their stomachs...they claim it’s out of excitement for Bash at the Beach...I claim it’s out of excitement for being in such close proximity to each other...ANYWHO! The crowd is dead as I’m sure they’re sitting there trying to figure out who that very bloated individual who is hitting Randy Savage with a Top Rope Double Axehandle is. Valentine surprisingly holds his own and gets quite a lot of offence in this match which really bodes well for the Invasion Match. Schiavone speculates that Valentine could be the third man...and wow could that have been a different experience! Savage goes for the Flying Elbow Drop, but Valentine gets up and AGAIN takes control...seriously, WHAT THE FUCK! Anyway, Valentine hits a Back Suplex and...errm...knocks himself out? Lolwut!? Savage climbs the top rope and hits the Flying Elbow Drop for the 3 count just in time for hour number 2 with Bischoff and Heenan.

WINNER: “Macho Man” Randy Savage

We go to commercial and come back to serious Eric who thanks everyone who sent him “get well soon” cards, balloons, and did sock puppetry while he was hospitalised. Bischoff asks Kevin Nash what the hell he was up to and that he didn’t scare anyone with the stunt he pulled, he says that everyone will be there this Sunday and he is personally looking very much forward to it. Heenan says that he’s still worried despite all of the security, and sure enough, while Bischoff rants about everything being honky dory, the crowd goes nuts as Hall & Nash make their way through the crowd with popcorn and soft drinks. Doug “...seriously? Head of Security? That guy?” Dillinger tries to throw them out, but they of course have tickets, and they even share their popcorn with the fans...such great guys.

The Giant (c) Vs John Tenta, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

You know...every once in awhile you get the opportunity to see a guy who has been putting on amazing matches week after week FINALLY get some recognition with a World Title shot...this is not one of those times. Tenta still comes out without music which he does to make a statement...and that statement is that unless he’s facing Big Bubba, he’ll be the one doing the job tonight.

Tenta does get a little offence and Avalanches The Giant in the corner, but as he goes for a second one The Giant explodes out and Clotheslines Tenta down. This is followed up by several minutes of The Giant slooowly beating on John Tenta until Tenta fights back with a Middle Rope “Flying” Clothesline and a Dropkick to bring The Giant off his feet. Tenta throws Jimmy Hart into the ring but Kevin Sullivan comes out and distracts him long enough for The Giant to kick him in the back and Chokeslam him for the win.

WINNER: The Giant

After the match, Big Bubba comes in and shaves half of John Tenta’s beard...how very dastardly...seriously, this is weak as hell. “Mean” Gene comes out and asks Jimmy Hart about the upcoming Sunday’s match against Arn & Benoit before basically calling Big Bubba a rascal for shaving John Tenta’s beard. Big Bubba says that his Sunday the stakes will be higher as they fight each other and apathy in a triple threat match...no they’ll have a Carson City Silver Dollar Match where they’ll apparently beat each other senseless with coin filled socks...RETURN OF THE PRISON BEATING! The Giant says that Tenta’s biggest mistake was to leave The Dungeon of Doom...you know...even though he was kicked out. Giant then...ermm...yells...seriously he’s the most unintelligible man at this point...he makes as much sense as Ron Burgundy when he’s crying...Kevin Sullivan says he has something he wants to say...he then waits for what feels like roughly a year before continuing to talk about The Horsemen...before stopping...and starting again...and stopping, apparently because John Tenta was getting up.

We go to commercials where we get these inspiring 4 objectives from the WCW Power Plant...and by motivating I’m fairly sure it involves bull whips and a training regime not unlike in Full Metal Jacket. We learn that at the Pay-Per-View, Rey Mysterio, Jr. will face Psychosis which should easily be match of the night (since...you know...the rest of the card is pretty much crap). We get a video highlighting Rey Mysterio, Jr. until Bischoff suddenly frantically cuts in and tells them to stop the tape...here I was half expecting an irate Hulk Hogan screaming about it not being a video about him, but apparently it’s because The Outsiders have gotten hold of a microphone (somehow, despite still being in the crowd). Nash says that it looks like they’re taking over a little earlier before getting in some jabs at Bischoff (heh, Donny Osmond). The policemen try in vain to restrain them before their Pay-Per-View opponents come out to confront them who are also restrained. The locker room empties of both heels and faces for a staredown which I actually think is nicely done. The Outsiders eventually gets escorted out as Nash screams “ATTICA! ATTICA!”.

“Mean” Gene is standing in the locker room as Jim Duggan (...great) apparently has something to say. He basically says that he went to take a shit and found the Battle Bowl ring on the ground...I truly hope it was on the ground, but due to his quasi-retarded nature, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had swallowed it previously and found it...somewhere else. Just after Duggan says that he’ll give it back, DDP comes crashing in and calls Duggan a thief. Duggan throws the ring on the ground, but as DDP picks it up, Duggan quickly tapes his fist and knocks Page to the floor.

Team Job-tastic! (Robert Gibson, Ricky Morton, Joe Gomez & Renegade) Vs The Four Horsemen (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Chris Benoit & Steve McMichael...gee, spot the odd man out there) w/ Woman, Miss Elizabeth & Debra McMichael

All hell breaks loose from the get go as all 8 men just beats each other up. After a couple of minutes, Flair & Morton however locks up and the faces quickly gain the upper hand as the first dominate Flair, Anderson and then Benoit. The Rock’n’Roll Express however makes the biggest mistake they can make as they tag in Renegade for some reason and The Horsemen gets a small advantage. However it doesn’t last long as Renegade & Joe Gomez again dominates Ric Flair...I’ll just repeat that sentence, RENEGADE & JOE GOMEZ again dominates RIC FLAIR! Flair eventually has to resort to a hidden low blow and a tag out to Benoit to escape their mighty wrath. Gomez is getting pounded on in the Horsemen corner before the “big” tag to Mongo finally comes. Seriously, this might be the worst Nitro Main Event of my tenure so far...I mean, in what alternate reality could these 4 men beat The Horsemen? Why couldn’t they have had this on the undercard? I’d much rather have seen Harlem Heat & The Steiner Brothers fight in a Tag Title Match in this spot, but nooooo, we have to have Joe FUCKING Gomez and The Renegade in the Main Event...ridiculous...anyway, the “highlight” of the match is Steve McMichael hitting a Powerslam and Heenan claiming he has never seen that move done better. Anyway, finish comes when Renegade is on the top rope and Mongo throws the Halliburton briefcase at him BUT MISSES which Renegade still sells, allowing Flair to lock in the Figure 4-Leg Lock for the victory.

WINNER: The Four Horsemen

Okerlund is standing by on the ramp with the Horsemen after the match. Gene asks Mongo what he thinks Ditka would say and Mongo actually comes off good (shocker, I know) as he says that this is his team now and he’ll do whatever it takes for them to win at every level...even if it takes throwing a briefcase across the ring without hitting anyone. Benoit & Arn talks about beating The Giant & Sullivan at Bash at the Beach and get the gold home to where it belongs. Flair says that he’ll take the US Title home as well...because lord knows he needs that title to get over.

The announcers talk up Bash at the Beach before Bischoff says that it’s going on backstage again as we cut back there to see Hall & Nash getting escorted out of the building and drives away...my version of this tape then sadly cuts away from an episode of Boy Meets World...which odds are would’ve been more exciting than this Nitro.

WCW – Aaaah, Great Times: Well I suppose the build for the Pay-Per-View was okay, especially again the invasion angle...but yeah...that’s it

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The rest. Seriously, this was a god awful Nitro. Not all the matches were bad, they just didn’t matter. The opening tag match was the most competitive one, the rest was just there...not a good show before their supposedly biggest Pay-Per-View of all time.

Now for what you of course have all been waiting for...MY BASH AT THE BEACH PREDICTIONS!...no?...well you’re gonna get them anyway!

WCW Bash At The Beach ’96 (the card so far):

Rey Mysterio, Jr. Vs Psychosis – Not a match with any build or the like, however it’s a safe bet to assume that it’ll be match of the night anyway. They seem to wanna spotlight Rey Rey, so he should get the pin.

Prediction: Rey Mysterio, Jr.

John Tenta Vs Big Bubba, Carson City Silver Dollar Match – This will on the other hand be horrible. My biggest hope is that it’s simply a few minutes of them beating each other senseless with the coins and that’s it, because with every minute they are in that ring, the crowd’s energy will be drained faster than Shang Tsung draining your soul. Fatality!

Prediction: John Tenta

Diamond Dallas Page Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Taped Fist Match - ...if they don’t give the win to DDP, I riot.

Prediction: Diamond Dallas Page

Konan (c) Vs Ric Flair, WCW United States Title Match – I honestly can’t see why they would give the title to Flair here...obviously, that usually means that they’ll go down exactly that route...but I hope that Konan will either pull an upset roll up victory or get a DQ win and keep the belt.

Prediction: Konan

Steve McMichael Vs Joe Gomez – Ahahahahahahahaha...wait, I have to watch this match...why am I laughing? =/

Prediction: Steve McMichael

Dean Malenko (c) Vs Disco Inferno, WCW Cruiserweight Title Match – Could they have found a lesser deserving challenger for this title? Disco might have gotten his first win on Nitro this week, but no way in hell they are giving him a title at this point.

Prediction: Dean Malenko

Public Enemy Vs The Nasty Boys, Dog Collar Match - ...seriously...I don’t care...they’ve been feuding forever.

Prediction: Public Enemy

The Giant & Kevin Sullivan Vs Chris Benoit & Arn Anderson, Street Fight (I think) – Well since there isn’t a stipulation if The Dungeon of Doom pulls off a victory, my guess is that The Horsemen will take this one...could be a decent match actually.

Prediction: Arn Anderson & Chris Benoit

The Outsiders (Kevin Nash, Scott Hall & ???) Vs Team WCW (“Macho Man” Randy Savage, Lex Luger & Sting) – Well if there is any doubt among y’all left, THIS is the match that the whole card is built around. I think the mysterious third man will be the deciding factor, and it would be lame as hell if these Outsiders would get defeated in the in ring debuts.

Prediction: The Outsiders

So there you have it...what a shit card it is...but that’s what I’m gonna recap next, so wish me luck and read all the other stuff on the site in my honour. I’m Esben Evans, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (I would send feedback though ;) )

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).