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MONDAY NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS

by Esben Evans


On tonight’s show...Who begins an undefeated streak that would go down in history? (...I’m sure there’s mention on him somewhere on the internet...otherwise there will be in a few minutes!) Does Bash at the Beach shape up to be a good card? (...no...) And how do three guys going at war best portray unity? (If you answered, painting your face in bright colours that normally wouldn’t even go over well at the gay pride parade, we’ve got a winner) Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: June 24th, 1996

Location: Charlotte, N.C.

Hello and welcome to another edition of my humble (read: awesome) WCW Nitro recap. We’re only 2 weeks away from Bash at the Beach (that was fucking fast!) so WCW better pull out all the stops to promote this sucker...or just rant and rant and rant about a certain 6 Man Tag Team Match. We’re hailing from Flair country tonight as the announcers start off by talking about the 6 Man Tag match (SURPRISE!), and Larry Zbyszko amusingly states that the youngsters all over the US will realize going in to the new millennium that WCW is the shiznit...then one year into the new millennium, the company will fold, but that’s another story for another time. The show the footage from The Great American Bash where Bischoff gets Powerbombed through the stage, before we cut to backstage where “Mean” Gene is standing by with Lex Luger, Randy Savage & Sting who will represent WCW in the invasion match. Luger & Savage have decided to paint up as well to show unity...I guess...or because it looks fantastic. Savage says that even though they have individual targets (actually, Savage is the only one really feuding with anyone) they will be united once they have to face the Outsiders. He then leaves to take on V.K. Wallstreet, as we cut to a video of Sting slapping Scott Hall a few weeks back. Sting is furious that they wanted to take it out on a simple announcer (and not at all the freaking Vice President of the company) instead of taking on some wrestlers. Luger says that WW...err...WCW are standing tall (err, dude, the match is in 2 weeks, and you haven’t even been in a physical confrontation with them yet) and they are unified (WE GET IT! THE FREAKING FACE PAINT!). The Steiner Brothers arrives and are total dicks as they say that they’ll have their backs at some other point, but tonight they have to worry about those Tag Team Titles. Harlem Heat then makes their entrance and begins to yell “sucka” a lot, while claiming to have a score to settle, apparently all 3 teams will face each other later on tonight.

The Blue Bloods (“Lord” Steven Regal & “Squire” David Taylor) w/ Jeeves & “Earl” Robert Eaton Vs Public Enemy (Johnny Grunge & Rocco Rock)

Tony Schiavone says that Kevin Greene is here tonight, so if we’re “really lucky” we might get a confrontation between him and Mongo. GOODY! Public Enemy comes out with dog collars and chains because apparently they’re gonna face The Nasty Boys in a Dog Collar Match as Bash at the Beach. Hey, I’m all for them promoting matches for the upcoming Pay-Per-View, but really? Do we need to see Public Enemy wrestle The Nasty Boys AGAIN!?

So yeah, Steven Regal mocks Public Enemy’s dancing, looks smug, gets Dropkicked and then tags out FROM OUTSIDE THE RING!...I’m pretty sure that’s not legal. Dave Taylor starts of being in control until he gets Dropkicked out of the ring where he and Regal for some reason (but pretty funny) hugs each other. Back in the ring, Rocco Rock misses a Springboard Moonsault Press which allows The Blue Bloods to take control. Tony says that The Outsiders have been spotted in the parking lot, and that for the first time in his career “he has no idea what’s going to happen”...which of course he would go on to pretty much say constantly. Regal & Rocco Rock collides as both men goes for a Clothesline, and both men gets the tag out resulting in Johnny Grunge taking control. Grunge signals that he wants to hit him with his cast, but referee Nick Patrick stops him (a referee in WCW spotting a rule break!? Can it truly be!?). Grunge kicks Taylor down and goes to the ropes but gets tripped by Robert Eaton and hits himself in the head with his cast. Regal & Rocco Rock ends up on the outside, but instead of going on the offence, Dave Taylor simply stands around a little while until Grunge hits him with the cast for the pin.

WINNERS: Public Enemy

WCW is tonight sponsored by Wendy’s Crispy Chicken Nuggets “Quite possibly the best deal in chicken!...well...sort of...actually we’re not quite sure it’s made of chicken...but yeah...BUY IT!”

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Random Jobber Dude...Kip Maybe? or something

Sullivan brutally attacks jobber guy and pulls him up the stairs and into the concessions area where he beats him down. We learn that Kevin Sullivan & The Giant will face Chris Benoit & Arn Anderson at Bash at the Beach. If the Horsemen win, one member of the group will get a World Title shot, if the Dungeon of Doom win, they’ll get...errr...a pat on the back...by themselves. Sullivan returns to the ring where we learn that he’s been disqualified.

WINNER: Kip Maybe...maybe?...I dunno this dude’s name, but he’s 1-0! I smell a streak!

Okerlund is standing by with Jimmy Hart who says that they’re gonna walk in and out of Horsemen country alive...well, yeah, I doubt that people actually care enough about the Dungeon of Doom to kill them. Sullivan gets back and he yells at Benoit to listen really close and then he yells a lot and rambles. Huge “We want Flair” chants as we cut to commercials. Another Glacier commercial and I can’t wait for his debut where he’ll undoubtedly rip someone’s head off complete with spine still attached! Flawless victory indeed!

“Hardwork” Bobby Walker Vs Dean Malenko, WCW Cruiserweight Title Match

Yes, Bobby FUCKING Walker is getting a title shot tonight. Let’s see if he’s less botchy than his Nitro debut last month. Of course, Dean Malenko will put his title on the line against a MUCH more proficient wrestler at the Pay-Per-View...oh, wait, he’ll face Disco Inferno. ANYWHO! Walker starts off “bright” with an Arm Drag, but Malenko quickly takes control. He hits a Powerbomb/Texas Cloverleaf combination but he let’s go as Disco Inferno comes out with a gold record for the CD that he came out with a few months back. Zbyszko says that he sold a million copies, but that would actually make it platinum...so...FOR SHAME LARRY! Coming here with your fake numbers for this obviously not at all fake CD, for...shame. Bobby Walker uses the distraction to gain the upper hand until Disco gets his music playing and enters the ring to dance. He stands on one of the turnbuckles to boogie, which distracts Walker who is so mesmerized by it that even when landing on his feet from a Monkey Flip attempt, he just stands there looking at him. Anyway, Malenko Dropkicks Walker into Disco who tumbles to the outside before hitting a Northern Lights Suplex for the pin.

WINNER: Dean Malenko

After the match, “Mean” Gene talks to Malenko but Disco creeps up behind him and looks as if he’s about to hit him with the gold record. Malenko tells him “don’t even think so”. Disco says that everyone knows that Disco Inferno equals ratings (damn straight!) and that Malenko & Walker were stinking up the joint. Disco continues to say that if Malenko is mad about the interruption then “excuuuuse me” before leaving. Malenko says that he’s the man of a thousand holds but it’ll only take one to defeat Disco at Bash at the Beach...probably an Armbar. We get a Pay-Per-View commercial for the upcoming Pay-Per-View...it didn’t really make sense...something about a guy spotting too half-naked girls on a tropical island and falling into the water...as you do in those situations.

The Barbarian Vs Eddie Guerrero

Tony Schiavone reasons that since Eddie has no trouble going up against the bigger Barbarian, he would definitely take on The Outsiders AND their mystery partner by himself. As he says this I imagine Eddie’s eyes widen and turn to Tony while loudly saying “HUH!!?”.

The Barbarian starts off brightly by using his strength, but he’s too slow for Eddie who uses his speed to bring The Barbarian down, albeit very briefly. Barbarian catches Eddie and drives him into the turnbuckle before delivering a brutal Powerbomb for a 2 count. After a Pumphandle Slam also gets a 2 count, Eddie regains some control as he counters a charge in the corner and hits a VERY botched Hurricanrana. Eddie hits a Back Suplex and goes to the top rope, but Barbarian crotches him. The Barbarian hits an insane looking Top Rope Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex that sends Guerrero all the way to the outside. The Barbarian pulls Eddie up on the turnbuckles again and attempts a Superplex only for Eddie to counter and land on top of him for the three count.

WINNER: Eddie Guerrero

Afterwards, Eddie is interviewed by Gene Okerlund as we get a replay from FUCKING UNCENSORED!! In which Konan accidentally Low Blowed Eddie to retain the US Title. Eddie say that he thinks he deserves a rematch for the US Title after that ending, before condemning the Outsiders.

The Horsemen (Arn Anderson & Chris Benoit w/ Steve McMichael) Vs The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson)

The crowd is booing their hearts out against...The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express...errm, that was certainly the plan *cough*. We learn while both teams start out being pretty equal that Steve McMichael will face Joe Gomez at Bash at the Beach...wow, they are REALLY piling up reasons not to order this Pay-Per-View! Arn starts to gain momentum and locks in a Sleeper Hold before getting on the top rope, only to jump off and get hit by a hard elbow. Ricky Morton then gets tagged in and Arn lures him into the most obvious set up of all time as Benoit crouches behind the ring apron and jumps him with a Clothesline as Morton turns the corner...what a douche. Back in the ring, Arn slingshots Morton up into the bottom rope before tagging in Benoit who dominates for a while before Arn gets back in and Morton makes a comeback and gets the “hot” tag to Robert Gibson who takes control until Mongo hits him with the briefcase behind the referee’s back allowing the “illegal” Benoit to get the pin. Tsk.

WINNERS: The Horsemen

After the ring, Joe Gomez rushes down and attacks Arn until Mongo and his life saving briefcase stops him in his tracks. Benoit & Arn holds Gomez back for Mongo to pimp slap him a few times until Macho Man & Kevin Greene rushes down and chases the Horsemen away.

We cut to backstage where Flair and the girls are standing by with “Mean” Gene. Okerlund asks what the deal is with Mongo hitting people with the Halliburton, and Flair responds “...for Christ’s sake Gene, that’s just what we’ve been doing since the FUCKING 80s!!”. The rest of the 4 Horsemen joins the scene and Mongo yells about his Super Bowl ring being awesome and stuff...err, okay?

After a commercial break, Tony & The Brain (“It’s Tony, it’s Tony and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain”) talk about how everyone wants to band together and fight against The Outsiders. I like the sense of paranoia that’s being built up towards the Pay-Per-View, although I regret that it seems like they’ve put zero effort into the rest of the card.

Diamond Dallas Page (c) Vs Alex Wright, Lord of the Ring Title Match

Well it’s still retarded that people are fighting over this ring but hey, whatevs, DDP is AWESOME! We learn that Ric Flair will take on Konan for the US Title at the Pay-Per-View, because Flair totally needs the rub of winning the second tier title...totally. On top of that, DDP will face “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in a Taped Fist Match...good to see that DDP continues to face wrestlers that can really put on a good ma- *SARCASM OVERLOAD*.

Alex Wright dominates a good portion of the opening of this match...yes, THAT Alex Wright. DDP is working his ass off, bumping all over the ring until he catches Wright off the top rope with his knees, blocks a German Suplex attempt and hits the Diamond Cutter for the win.

WINNER: Diamond Dallas Page

Gene Okerlund makes his way out to the ring to interview DDP. Gene asks Page about his match with Duggan, and DDP obviously asks “WHO THE FUCK DID I PISS OFF TO GET THIS MATCH!?”...no, seriously, I actually wrote that as a joke and roughly 30 seconds later, that’s practically what he said. But yeah, he’s doesn’t care because no one gets up from the Diamond Cutter (well except for Goldberg, but that’s a few years down the line).

We come back from commercials with Okerlund standing by to interview Kevin Greene. Okerlund asks him about Mongo and Greene states the obvious by saying that he thought they were partners (well, duh) and he turned on him (....well, duh), he continues by saying that he can’t believe he would do anything like that for a few extra bucks. A brother gots to get PAID dude! Kevin Greene says that his game plan is a) kicking ass with the Carolina Panthers (fun fact: Carolina Panthers actually did make it to the NFC Championship Final before losing to the douchebags from Green Bay Packers. YA, I SAID IT! Even funnier fact: Kevin Greene got the most sacks in the season and ended up in the Pro Bowl...but probably the FUNNIEST funniest fact: Kevin Greene sacked douchebag numero UNO, Brett Favre, so hard (in 1995) that he COUGHED UP BLOOD! Kevin Greene is my new fucking hero!). B) after the season ends he’ll extract revenge on Mongo. Hooray!

V.K. Wallstreet Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage w/ Kevin Greene

Randy Savage absolutely dominates Wallstreet from the get go. Wallstreet, obviously thinking “hey, things are going so well right now I might as well challenge myself”, pushes Kevin Greene on the outside only to get chased back to a waiting Savage in the ring. Wallstreet shortly thereafter gets the advantage after throwing him over the top rope behind the referee’s back (DASTARDLY!). He more or less continues to have the advantage until Savage blocks a top rope attack, hits two Clotheslines and goes for the Flying Elbow Drop, but V.K. rolls to the outside. Wallstreet backs into Greene and tries to take a swing at him, but Greene drives him into the post and rolls him back inside where Savage hits him with a Scoop Slam and a Flying Elbow Drop for the victory.

WINNER: “Macho Man” Randy Savage

We get a commercial for WCW magazine’s July edition. Find out what torture Lex Luger has in store? (SPOILER: He forces you to watch WCW Uncensored 96 on repeat). Get personally trained by the Booty Babe! (Self high five indeed!) AND get a behind the scenes look at Nitro (including Hogan convincing Bischoff why it’s such a bad idea for him to job) AHAHAHA! Stuck in between the rest of the clips they show are the retarded, disco dancing women from a few weeks back! (http://i45.tinypic.com/25icgba.gif). This portion of Nitro is sponsored by M&M’s, visit their website, it’s the most colourful one in the world (or judging by their mascots, at least red and yellow...hey, how fitting).

Sting & Lex Luger (c) Vs Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray) Vs The Steiner Brothers (Scott & Rick Steiner), WCW World Tag Team Title Match

Booker T comes out on the phone for some reason with the announcers speculating that it could be Sister Sherri...or take out (“Hey Stevie, how does Wendy’s sound?”). Schiavone talks about there being a coin toss to decide who’ll start the match...how exactly that’s gonna work with THREE teams is yet to be revealed.

After flipping that “special” coin, Booker T & Scott Steiner opens up the match. Scott mainly has the upper hand, especially after he counters an Arm Wringer Back Kick into a Double Underhook Powerbomb which Luger breaks up. Both men subsequently tags in their partners, as Schiavone tells them that WCW heard from the mayor of Greenville, North Carolina and...Jennings Gap, Virginia!?...this is Jennings Gap (http://static.panoramio.com/photos/original/20077039.jpg). Heenan understandably mocks Tony for saying that and Schiavone is NOT amused. Scott Steiner (who’s now back in the ring...I’m not gonna recap random tags btw) tags in Sting for some reason (even though the Steiners can’t win without being in the ring) and Harlem Heat dominates him for a while until Sting crotches Booker T on the top rope, but Sting subsequently only gets knees after a Springboard Splash. Harlem Heat continues to have control of the match until Stevie Ray & Sting collides with Sting ending up accidentally headbutting little Stevie allowing Luger to get the hot tag. Luger cleans the ring and hits Booker T with a Powerslam and then signals for the Torture Rack, but Kevin Nash & Scott Hall makes their way through the crowd and jumps the rail. Despite the ring being completely filled up with policemen, Booker T still manages to roll up Luger for a 3 count no one notices.

WINNERS, and NEW WCW World Tag Team Champions: Harlem Heat

Harlem Heat exits the ring and walks past The Outsiders while The Steiners, Luger & Sting stares them down while pretty much all the policemen have their hands on their guns. Tony Schiavone tells The Outsiders that WCW won’t go lightly and that there will be NO hostile takeover (...for another 5 years)...at the same time he says that there’ll be a new regime, so maybe there will anyway...weird ass mofo.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Well...err...yeah...well they certainly built towards Bash at the Beach and mentioned pretty much the entire card I think...that’s...about it I think.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Bad to average matches all around, Bash at the Beach looks crap outside the Main Event, and it would be nice if not every single match of the undercard didn’t seem completely randomly thrown together. Horrible show.

Well that’s it, let me get the fuck away from this one. See you next time with the last show before Bash at the Beach AKA the hard sell (or in this case, WE’VE GOT THIS AWESOME 6 MAN TAG MATCH *mumbles*and some other stuff*mumbles* BUT MOSTLY THIS 6 MAN TAG MATCH!!! Check out everything else on the site, and drop me a line if you want to tell me how awesome or how crap my columns are. Until next time, I’m Esben Evans, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).