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MONDAY NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS

by Esben Evans


On tonight's show...Who gets a surprise upset win on his debut (...against Disco Inferno)? Who decides to turn Nitro into an episode of Oz? And who will represent WCW in the invasion match at Bash at the Beach? Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week's episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!
Date: June 17th, 1996

Location: Richmond, VA

Hey there everybody, and welcome to another recap of everyone's favourite nonsensical television show, WCW Nitro. Now we're just 24 hours removed from The Great American Bash AKA The first GOOD WCW Pay-Per-View I've seen since I begun recapping here on TWF. Tonight, Tony Schiavone will be with us for both hours as he replaces Eric Bischoff after an attack at the Bash that Tony calls the worst thing he's ever seen in his life...I mean, apart from John Tenta Vs Big Bubba. Tony & Larry Zbyzsko show still photos from the Pay-Per-View and we learn that we'll get a rematch between Dean Malenko & Rey Mysterio Jr. which is awesome considering that they had the match of the night. They talk about Mongo becoming a Horseman and Zbyzsko begins to give Mongo credit because "he's a heel now, so I have to root for him"...okay, maybe he didn't say that, but he might as well have. We see a video of Bischoff getting attacked...or actually they only show up until Hall punches Eric and then uses the second half of the footage as a cliffhanger (STAY TUNED).

Stevie Ray Vs Rick Steiner

Last week on Nitro, Booker T faced Scott Steiner...well now that we've got all the talent out of the way, let's have a match between their buffoon tag partners (ah, I kid, I don't mind either one of them...or do I? STAY TUNED). Stevie Ray immediately begins to clubber Rick Steiner from the get go and retains control until Rick Steiner hits an Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex and a Top Rope Bulldog but he only gets 2. Stevie Ray immediately responds with a Powerslam, but the misses with a Fist Drop from the middle rope and Rick then nails him with a Steiner Line for the 3 count...wow, that was quick (that's what she said...no she didn't...yes she did).

WINNER: Rick Steiner

After the match, Booker T runs in and wipes Rick Steiner out with a Harlem Sidekick. Stevie Ray plants him with a Powerbomb and then holds him down as Booker T looks to come off the top rope, but Scott Steiner heroically throws himself on top of his brother and receives the...I dunno what it was, a Double Axe Handle maybe?...anyway, he gets hit with the lightest of touches that for some reason seems to crack at least 7 ribs...oh, by the way, before when I said heroically, I meant retardedly...seriously, why didn't he just prevent Booker from jumping in the first place, he looked to have plenty of time. ANYWHO! This will play a factor later on as The Giant is scheduled to face Scott in the second hour (INTRIGUE!).

Disco Inferno Vs "The Desperado" Joe Gomez

Disco cuts a quick promo before the match and asking the people if they want to see him dance, but he gets cut off by the music of his opponent instead. Gomez is making his debut tonight as the least convincing cowboy this side of Jon Bon Jovi. Tony mentions that Hulk Hogan gave a call and said that he wanted to be a part of the war against The Outsiders (FORESHADOWING!), meanwhile Disco totally owns Joe Gomez with a Japanese Arm Drag and a Hip Toss. Apparently, Joe Gomez was very upset at Mongo's betrayal last night...why? Errr...I don't know really, he just was. Gomez finally gets going and hits a few moves before Disco takes a time out to...ermm, insult David Penzer (ring announcer)...again, no idea why...but Gomez comes after him and back in the ring he hits a Running Dropkick but misses a Cross Body Block and ends up getting hung up on the top rope. Gomez ends up on the receiving end of a Swinging Neckbreaker, but after Disco FINALLY goes for the pin, Gomez turns it into a pinning predicament of his own for the win.

WINNER: "The Desperado" Joe Gomez

Wow...he just barely edged out a win against Disco Inferno...what an impressive individual *cough*. Disco really sells the loss by...not caring at all...off to sort of a rocky start to this show.

Backstage, "Mean" Gene is standing by with Ric Flair and the ladies (which now include Debra). Okerlund says that he's never been more disappointed in one person as he was in Debra last night...just give it a few weeks Gene and I'm sure I can find one that'll disappoint you even more (FORESHADOWING!...okay, I'll stop now). Debra says that she did it because of the company of Woman & Miss Elizabeth (*soft jazz music begins to play*) and for the money. Flair talks about Savage getting re-instated tonight and it sounds like he's gonna face Flair tonight for the 1000000th time.

The Horsemen (Chris Benoit & Arn Anderson) Vs The American Males (Marcus Bagwell Vs Scotty Riggs)

Holy fuck is that Les Grossman!? We learn that we'll have the drawing of who will face The Outsiders at Bash at the Beach as WCW apparently have decided to draw three names from a list of the 6 wrestlers with the best win/loss record...why they don't just pick the 3 wrestlers with the best win/loss record they didn't say...but I'm sure there was a perfectly good explanation like...errm...it won't make good TV!

Arn starts off the match by decking Bagwell on the apron before sliding out of the ring to prevent Riggs, of course he ends up sliding out with his back turned to Bagwell and in a truly funny image Arn ignores Bagwell tapping him on the shoulder by just brushing his hand off...Arn is the MAN! Of course it just ends up with Bagwell punching him out. Benoit is sporting a shiner stemming from last night's match with Sullivan which to be honest they make out to be more than it really was...yeah, it was a fun match, but not the most brutal match of all time...and I mean not even from a 1996 perspective. Riggs and Bagwell control the match until Bagwell eats knees from Benoit as he goes for a Big Splash. Arn then tags in and everyone really fucks up a spot that ends up with Riggs dropkicking Arn into a Crucifix Pin from Bagwell...only thing is that Benoit mistimed his cue and the whole thing looked like Benoit screwing Arn over. Bagwell hits Arn with a Fisherman's Suplex, but Benoit breaks it up. Benoit gets tagged in and he absolutely destroys Bagwell to my great enjoyment, even hitting a picture perfect Swandive Headbutt, which Riggs just barely manages to break up in time. Bagwell does get the "hot" tag, but Benoit ends up hanging Scotty Riggs up on the top rope before pinning him with the aid of Arn.

WINNERS: The Horsemen

Looking at the replay...what the fuck was going on with the referee!? I mean, I know they're all borderline retarded...actually scratch the "borderline" part, but how could he not see anything from THIS position!? "Mean" Gene is standing by in the ring with Arn & Benoit and asks Arn about his thoughts on what transpired last night. He talks about Mongo making the right choice (well at least he won't be announcing anymore) and having had a business deal with Sullivan that simply went south. He then asks Benoit who yells something about glory or...I dunno, but it was intense! OH DEAR GOD NO!

Big Bubba w/ Jimmy Hart Vs John Tenta

Gaaah, not again! Anyway, Big Bubba comes out with a patch of his goatee missing which was TOTALLY shaved off in the ring by John Tenta and not at all backstage by himself. Big Bubba jumps Tenta before the bell and ANGRILY lays into him before getting nailed by a Dropkick...from John Tenta...THIS IS AWESOME! *clap clap clapclapclap*...only not really...according to Larry Zbyszko, the only thing that Big Bubba has going for him in this match is his speed and agility...yeah, try to think about THAT one for a while...the two announcers begin to argue about the merits of John Tenta and Schiavone even goes as far as calling him one of the most successful "big men" of wrestling...*looks him up* OH! Look! He won the worst feud of the year award in 1996 for...well...this feud...I guess that's sort of an accomplishment. You might have noticed I don't talk too much about the actual match, but seriously...it's two men slowly waddling around in the ring, occasionally hitting each other. Anyway, finish comes when Jimmy Hart hits Tenta with the megaphone, only for him to no sell it and Atomic Drop the little guy. He then hits Bubba with TWO Powerslams (THE HUMANITY!) before pinning him with his feet on the ropes...for some reason.

WINNER: John Tenta

After the match, John Tenta chases Jimmy Hart around the ring for shits and giggles, but as he slides back in the ring, Hart throws a loaded sock to Big Bubba who then GIVES TENTA A FUCKING PRISON BEATING! HELL YEAH! Now all we need is someone to shiv The Booty Man >_>...Bubba opens the sock and revealing its contents to be coins. Okerlund asks Hart & Bubba on the ramp about the beating, and Hart says that they're making an example out of everyone that are turning their backs on the Dungeon of Doom (but with his shrill voice it just doesn't sound the least bit intimidating). Big Bubba says that every time he steps into the ring with Tenta, he destroys him...he then proceeds to shill The Great American Bash's replay...errm, okay?

We come back from commercials to see "Mean" Gene in the locker room with Randy Savage. Okerlund asks Macho Man what his game plan is against Ric Flair and...well, it's always hard to fully decipher his promos but I think he was gonna take it slow and maybe have dinner with him first, followed by a movie. Okerlund then asks him if he ended up seeking professional help and he talks about seeing a woman psychiatrist who said he was OCD – One Cool Dude...yeah, Macho, I don't think that's what OCD stands for.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage Vs "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair w/ Woman, Debra, & Miss Elizabeth

Savage comes out, but instead of going to the ring, he chases Bobby Heenan off from the announcing booth (he was set to join on commentary for the second hour) and into the ring, but Heenan manages to escape back to the booth in the end. Flair comes out with a Kevin Greene T-Shirt before grabbing a microphone. He says that every man at one point must taste the agony of defeat, and in Macho's case, of defeat and divorce...which of course is ironic considering that just 13 years later, Flair was at wife number 4 himself. Savage rushes out of the ring and jumps Flair to start the match. Savage manages to retain control for maybe a full minute (wowser!) before Flair pokes him in the eye to gain the upper hand.

We come back from commercials to find that the situation hasn't changed and Woman distracts the referee long enough for Flair to THROW SAVAGE OVER THE TOP ROPE! (oh, COME ON! Is that damn rule not gone already!!?) He then restrains Savage long enough for Elizabeth to slap him before Flair dumps him over the guard rail. Savage however almost immediately crawls underneath it (!?) before chasing after Flair and beating his face into the fruit on the VIP table, and dousing him in champagne (to which Tony excitedly screams "ONLY ON NITRO!! WE MAY NOT HAVE WRESTLING, BUT WE HAVE PEOPLE POURING CHAMPAGNE ON EACH OTHER...AND THEY'RE GUYS!!!"...okay, so he might only have said the first 3 words. Savage chases Flair back to the ring while holding a candle (...don't know why). Schiavone talks about everyone in WCW banding together against the Outsiders, with people like Big Bubba & John Tenta saying they want in...wow, what a great team that would be *cough*. Savage keeps the upper hand until he crashes and burns into the guard rail after trying a Top Rope Double Axehandle to the outside, before going to commercials.

We come back with Flair in control, but Savage begins to fire back only for Flair to hit him with an Elbow to the face. Flair climbs the top rope, but Savage is down so he has to wait for ages to get countered, and this time he doesn't get thrown off but instead misses his dreaded...errm...jump off the top rope. Savage stays in control until the referee pulls him off Flair...why did the referee do that you ask? Well, that's just how they roll. Flair pulls out an illegal object and nails Savage with it. He hits an Elbow Drop and covers him but he only gets 2. As Flair begins to argue with the referee, Savage hits him in the back with a knee which pushes him into the ref who ends up on the floor. Savage immediately takes advantage with a Low Blow and a Flying Elbow Drop. As he goes for a second one, the girls get in the ring to shield Flair but to no avail as he still manages to hit another one. Benoit storms out, but he is met with a Piledriver. Arn storms out, but is thrown out of the ring. Mongo storms out, and he nails Savage with the briefcase...yes, of all the Horsemen to outsmart and take out Macho Man...it was freaking MONGO. McMichael drags Flair on top of Savage and Arn rolls the ref back in to count the pin.

WINNER: Ric Flair

After the match, The 4 Horsemen beats down Savage and Mongo slaps him a few times just to cement that fact that SAVAGE JUST GOT OWNED BY MONGO!!!

Okerlund is standing by with Kevin Sullivan, Jimmy Hart & The Giant. "Mean" Gene shouts about the Outsiders and Jimmy Hart responds by saying "Dude, we're standing right here"...or maybe Hart just talks about knowing that it was a mistake to trust Arn Anderson. Sullivan talks about war breaking out in WCW and apparently he sorta enjoyed getting kicked in the ribs by Arn last night...err, say what now? The Giant says that The 4 Horsemen are jealous and incompetent because he has the World Title. He then challenges them to get in the ring and says that afterwards, all the king's men and horses won't be able to put them together again...err, say what now? We get a commercial for Sub-Ze...err, I mean, Glacier, who'll arrive next month (HOORAY!).

Schiavone & Heenan goes over Bischoff getting Powerbombed last night, Mongo joining the Horsemen and the brawl between Benoit & Sullivan. We then go to "Mean" Gene who is standing by with perhaps the only person in the world shorter than himself, Rey Mysterio Jr. Okerlund addresses that Malenko had his feet on the ropes when getting the decisive pin last night and Rey in the most feminine way possible says that he doesn't like that and he'll get the Cruiserweight Title tonight, he then asks Gene to hold his purse before going down to the ring.

Dean Malenko (c) Vs Rey Mysterio, Jr., WCW World Cruiserweight Title Match

As Malenko makes his entrance, Tony Schiavone gives Bischoff a verbal blowjob by talking about how awesome he is and what fantastic insight he had to lead WCW into the 90s...of course this is all while probably going home and throwing darts at Bischoff's face while grumbling over what a much better job he would've made as Executive VP.

Remember when Rey Mysterio was awesome? Yeah, that was pretty much during his entire WCW run, he ruled to the end. Holy fuck, Bobby Heenan just mentioned a storyline I completely forgot all about, Paul Orndorff getting destroyed by the 4 Horsemen. Apparently he's sitting at home and seething still...huh, go figure. Anyway, cautious start to this match until Mysterio hits a Springboard Moonsault Press and a La Magistral Cradle for a 2 count. Malenko puts a stop to this with a vicious Clothesline before he begins to work over his back and ultimately locking in a nasty looking Single Leg Crab and hitting a Brainbuster for 2. Rey catches Malenko on the top rope and crotches him, but he's unable to capitalize and ends up getting hit with a HUGE Electrical Chair for a 2 count. Malenko absolutely crushes Mysterio with a huge Powerbomb but he's still unable to put him away. It's hard to joke about this match, it really is awesome, who knew that midget wrestling could be entertaining (HIYO!). Mysterio hits an awesome Springboard Hurricanrana from the ring to the outside and follows it up with a Sunset Flip Powerbomb for a close 2 count back in the ring. Finish comes out of nowhere after a few close pin attempts from Rey Jr., but suddenly Malenko nails an Inverted DDT out of nowhere (or as Tony calls it...because he's retarded...an Inverted Bulldog) for the 3 count. Brilliant.

WINNER: Dean Malenko

It didn't have the storytelling of last night's match, but it made up for it in pace and inventiveness.

The Giant (c) Vs Scott Steiner, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

You know what would be a novel idea? If the World Title WASN'T defended on every damn Nitro...I love a good title match as much as the next one, it just takes a lot away from the Pay-Per-View matches. Steiner's ribs are hilariously bandaged after Booker T brushed them with his hands...good thing it wasn't like a full on massage or something...not only would that be creepy as hell, but he would've needed a freaking wheelchair.

Steiner immediately tries to go behind and German Suplex The Giant, but he's unable to lift him. He then tries to lift him in a T-Bone Suplex, but when he finally gets him up, Giant falls on top of him and the champion starts to go after the ribs. To say that this is a change of pace compared to the last match would be an understatement. The Giant continues to work Steiner over until he grabs a wooden chair from underneath the ring. On his way back into the ring, Steiner pulls the top rope up and crotches him before delivering a Chop Block to bring him down. He then goes after a Sleeper Hold but Giant simply backs him into the corner. The Giant charges towards him but Scott brings his feet up to catch him before hitting an Insane T-Bone Suplex, okay that was pretty badass. Steiner grabs the chair and looks to use it, but Jimmy Hart comes in and tries to disarm him, only to get thrown off. Steiner breaks the chair across The Giant's back (to no DQ!?...err, okay?) but Giant no sells it and nails the Chokeslam for the win.

WINNER: The Giant

So we only have one thing left to do and that is to find out which 3 wrestlers will represent WCW at Bash at the Beach. "Mean" Gene is standing on the ramp and he mentions the thing about the team being randomly drawn from the top 6 wrestlers of the organization...he then begins to ramble as only he can, before mentioning the 6 wrestlers that were in the draw: Hulk Hogan, The Giant, Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Sting & Randy Savage. He then says that the 3 names just have been drawn backstage and they are Lex Luger, Randy Savage & Sting...and that's it...seriously!? They couldn't have thrown in some pyro and ballyhoo? Mega anticlimactic finish to a somewhat disappointing night.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Ric Flair Vs Randy Savage & Dean Malenko Vs Rey Mysterio Jr., two very different matches but excellent in their own right. Nice looking beatdown of John Tenta, although I dread the match that is guaranteed to come out of it.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well besides the fact they thought that anyone would ever care about Joe Gomez when he was only just barely able to defeat Disco Inferno, there was no build towards anything other than the 6 Man Tag Match & a John Tenta Vs Big Bubba match that no one wants to see. Especially disappointing seeing as they came off the heels of a great Pay-Per-View.

So yeah, a brief moment of WCW brilliance is pretty much forgotten by a bland Nitro just 24 hours later. But hey, I can't say that WCW didn't have a certain, semi-retarded charm. Until next time, I'm Esben Evans, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).