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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to the recap that is able to induce all sorts of different reactions from the reader (mostly apathy though). It is…

The WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: December 11th, 1995
Location: Charlotte, North Carolina

So this week is com…HOLY FUCK! WE'RE ALREADY IN THE MIDDLE OF A MATCH!

Eddie Guerrero Vs Mr. JL

Well I guess this happens when you don't watch things live. As we enter the match, Eddie has Mr. JL in a stretch as Bobby Heenan is talking about being swerved by the Japanese…wait…Vince Russo is Japanese? I thought he pretty much hate all foreign people. Despite Eddie having his opponent in an extremely favourable position, he decides to let go of his hold and instead try a Powerbomb. Mr. JL (who, by the way, really is Jerry Lynn of ECW/Those Panda Fuckers/TNA pseudo-fame) channels Billy Kidman and counters into the ultimate cruiserweight weapon of mass destruction, the Armdrag…he then proceeds to hit, you guessed it, an Armdrag. JL tries to make some sort of running attack (undoubtedly another Armdrag) but Eddie catches him and hits an Inverted Atomic Drop. Eddie Irish Whips the masked wrestler into the ropes and gets countered by a Spinning Head Scissors (some huge ass scissors, that's for sure) which sends him to the floor. Bischoff applauds Mr. JL for his varied offence (yeah, right) as Eddie catches JL's arm goes to the top rope and…hits a Super Armdrag…despite of this awesome move, JL is aware enough to plant Eddie on the top turnbuckle and Springboard Dropkick him to the floor and then proceeds to flip into a plancha of sorts and rolls him into the ring for a 2 count. Mongo comments how wrestlers will sell their souls in order to get to the top in WCW, which really explains why WCW went to hell, it actually just went home. JL hits a Vertical Suplex for another 2, before being caught by Eddie in a roll-up. Just as he appears to reverse it, Mr. JL sort of flips himself into a pinning predicament for the 3. Wow, that has to be the easiest opponent ever.

Winner: Eddie Guerrero, and Armdrag enthusiasts everywhere


Mongo actually says that Eddie has superstar potential written all over him, and I just realised something, Steve McMichael is the reason that Eddie never got a chance in WCW. Nobody takes what Mongo has to say seriously, so you can't really blame Bischoff for passing up that opportunity. Heenan wants to hear what Gene Okerlund has to say as he's about to "interview" Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger. Mean Gene starts the hard hitting questions by asking Jimmy Hart whether he's dressed by Spike Lee or Spike Jones…I'm guessing, neither. Hart then becomes my second favourite WCW personality (no one can beat Scott Norton) when he tells Gene to shut the fuck up. Hart claims that Luger is the uncrowned champion of the world as we see footage from both Halloween Havoc & World War 3 where Luger had Savage in the Torture Rack and an Armbar, respectively. I can't stop laughing though from this, the YETAAY! lives on. Luger comments on what happened last Monday night when Hogan decided to cost Luger his match (he then proceeded to say that he wanted Luger out of his face…yeah, screwing the guy out of the world title is probably not the best way to go). He talks a bit about the triangle match at Starrcade before awkwardly posing and high fiving Jimmy Hart. Coming up after the break, Disco Inferno Vs Paul Orndorff…oh, joy…

Disco Inferno Vs "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff w. worst theme music ever!

WCW had many awesome theme songs throughout the years. Paul Orndorff's is NOT one of them. Disco Inferno literally kicks off this match by stomping the shit out of Orndorff before he can get a chance to take off his ring jacket. I have no idea who is supposed to be the heel and who is supposed to be the face in this one. The announcers spend the majority of this match discussing how Sting & Hogan don't appear to see eye to eye before their big tag team match tonight. Hogan apparently knocked on Sting's dressing room door and despite Bischoff knowing for a fact that Sting was in there (don't ask me how), the Stinger didn't open up. Well, there could be all sorts of reasons for that. He could be on the toilet, he could be painting his face, he could be praying to god, or he could just not want to talk to Hogan since…well…you know, he's a complete douche. Aaaanywho, back to the match where Orndorff mounts a comeback when he sends an elbow into the face of Disco after he had attempted to charge at him. Mr. Wonderful uses his "world renowned" left hand to open up on Disco (Bischoff's words), before driving his head into the mat and then hitting the slowest Elbow Drop you'll ever get to see. One very nice looking Back Suplex later, two feet on the ropes and the match is over.

WINNER: "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff

Mean Gene is standing by with 3 of the 4 Horsemen (no sign of B-enoit). He asks Brian Pillman what it is like to be a Horseman, and Pillman says that it's an honour and that everyone wants to be one, including Hulk Hogan. Pillman then rambles on incoherently about Steve McMichael, the American Males & the Dungeon of Doom before criticizing Paul Orndorff. Ric Flair begins to talk as the crowd goes absolutely nuts for him, but he's quickly interrupted by Mr. Wonderful who wants to address what Pillman just said about him. Despite Arn and Ric pleading him to just go away, he ends up attack Pillman which in the end results in him getting a Spike Piledriver on the concrete floor. Bobby Heenan leaves the booth to check on him, which is due to him suffering a legit neck injury a few years prior. Holy fuck! Continuity! I've watched so much WWE that I forgot what it looked like.

Lex Luger w. Jimmy Hart Vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan w. Mindless patriotism & a 2x4

Hacksaw Jim Duggan starts off by laying it into Luger. The producers decide after approximately 30 seconds that it's much more interesting to watch Orndorff get carried away on a stretcher than the match itself, and I'm not exactly disagreeing here. We're soon back to the match though (GOD DAMN IT!) and, I kid you not, actual Luger chants! Duggan continues his exciting offence consisting pretty much of punches, elbows and Clotheslines. Luger suddenly fights back by…err…pretty much mirroring the exact same offensive style that Duggan has. Jimmy boy regains control pretty quickly, and he goes for his finish which at this time consisted of him taping up his hands and delivering one hard haymaker. Well, it's either a hard punch or the 3 point stance Clothesline, potato/potato (or Potaaatoo/Potahtoo). Jimmy Hart distracts the referee and holds up the 2x4, which enables Luger to drive Duggan's head into the board and lock in the Torture Rack for the victory.

WINNER: Lex Luger

Coming up is our Main Event, which by my estimates will fill out around half of the show. Not bad at all or at least it wouldn't be bad if it wasn't for this match basically being an ego boost for Mr. Hogan and Mr. Sting. Mean Gene is going to interview Macho Man about his hard schedule as he has 2 matches at Starrcade & a title defence against The Giant next week. Randy Savage says that it sounds like Mission: Impossible, but I have to disagree. I can't remember seeing Tom Cruise defend his World Title once in any of those movies…then again, it may have been a reference to the TV show, that was waaaay before my time and could've included various wrestling title defences…but I digress. Savage says that he doesn't think about Starrcade, but only about next week's match. He actually says that next week will be DY-NO-MIITE!

Sting & Hulk Hogan Vs Ric Flair & Arn Anderson

The announcers talk over the fact that is Macho Man loses next week, he will be completely out of the title picture at Starrcade. Yeah, but then again, he will prolly get 1 billion title shots in between then and WCW's bankruptcy. Sting & Hogan comes out separately (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!Z! DISSENZION!), actually I jumped the gun here, as Hogan comes out in the middle of Sting's intro and looks pissed (DUDE! I said MY theme music, Brother!). Bischoff says that it is ALL on the line here…well, if by all you really mean nothing at all, then I guess you're right.

Sting & Anderson starts this match as the legal men by locking up. Heenan begins describing just how convoluted this whole storyline is as Hogan doesn't know if he can trust Sting, who is a friend of Luger, who is a friend of Jimmy Hart, who is a friend of the Dungeon of Doom, who are all friends with the YETAAY! and god knows you can't trust anyone completely wrapped in bandages. Sting throws Anderson into the ropes and tries a Hip Toss only to get reversed into a Fireman's Carry of sorts, very nice. Arn chain wrestles a bit before Sting finally catches him with a Gorilla Press Slam. Hogan hit Arn with a right fist, and the Enforcer as a result wants the Hulkster to tag in. Arn backs away while calling for the time out, before tagging in Flair. Flair tries to strut and hit the ropes but Hogan tackles him down with a hard Shoulder Block. It is worth mentioning that Flair as per usual in his home town was insanely over. Ric backs Hulk into the corner and hits him with a chop, only for Hogan to completely no sell it (SURPRISE!). Hogan begins on his offence by Back Body Dropping Flair and then hitting the weakest excuse of a Clothesline I have ever seen. Flair does his flip to the ring apron from the corner routine only to run straight into Sting who of course brings him down. The referee is distracted by Sting going after Flair, and this enables Anderson to jump the Orange Goblin from behind. After 10 seconds, Hogan decides that enough is enough…selling that is, as he once again completely no sells. Good god, I hate that guy. Hogan goes after Flair again as he rolls into the ring, but is nailed by a thump to the eye. Flair incredibly enough gets some offence in, as the 2 veteran Horsemen uses some excellent tag team psychology when Arn very discreetly holds Hogan in the corner by his trunks. Arn and Ric tag each other in at very small intervals, keeping Hogan in their own corner at all times. But Hogan then decides to stop selling again, as he clotheslines Ric and tags in Sting. Sting then hits a Gorilla Press Slam (DEJA V!), a Hip Toss and a Dropkick for 2. Flair regains control by going extremely low kick and a punch. Flair & Sting does the whole Sting powering out of a pin attempt by reversing into a Crucifix Cradle shtick, which is basically mandatory for every Sting/Flair bout ever wrestled, for another 2 count. Sting goes for the 10 punches in the corner but catches a huge Inverted Atomic Drop instead. This enables Flair to tag in his partner who, after a Snapmare, mysteriously channels…well…Ric Flair and climbs the top rope only to get caught and slammed to the canvas. Sting locks in the Scorpion Death Lock on Arn, but Flair saves him only to get locked in the SDL himself. As Hogan tries to get in the ring thus distracting the referee, Arn hits the DDT on the Stinger. Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger make their way out, and as Hart distracts everybody, Luger goes after Hogan, only for Hogan to go after Luger. WHY WON'T YOU SELL YOU BASTARD!!!

Luger finally gets Hogan in the rack, and the referee somehow misses it, enabling this match to go on. This of course sort of makes the match a 2 on 1 Handicap match, and Flair and Arn works over Sting's leg. Sting fights back and goes for the tag only for Hogan to not be there of course. Flair and Anderson pretty much spend several minutes working over that leg before the Nature Boy finally locking in the Figure-4 Leg Lock. Flair decides to slap Sting a few times and this enrages the Stinger enough as he pulls himself and Flair along with him towards his own corner where Hogan is back. Anderson however distracts the referee long enough for him to miss the tag. The referee kicks Hogan out, and then amusingly enough doesn't seem to notice that Arn and Ric switched without a tag either. Flair tags in again and goes for the punch/chop combo that usually works oh so well on Sting, and as per usual, Sting Stingers up but actually remembers to sell the leg (are you watching this Hogan?). Sting throws Flair off the top rope and covers for 2. He then goes for the tag, but Flair trips him up before making a tag himself. Arn goes for the Spinebuster but gets reversed into the trademark Sting Face Plant. Sting finally makes the hot tag, but Arn immediately nails him with a Spinebuster…only for…well…you know…Hogan to completely no sell it. Hogan with 3 punches, a Big Boot, and his Leg Drop, and it's all over.

WINNERS: Hulk Hogan & Sting.

After the match, Pillman, Arn and Flair jump Sting & Hogan. Luger comes out and pulls Pillman off of Sting, only to tell him to go after Hogan instead, fucking ace that is! Sting wants to help Hogan, Luger exits the ring instead. Then things really break down as Savage hits the ring, says something to Sting, and gets hit with a hard right hand. Sting seems to regret this immediately, as Savage bitch slaps him and tells him to bring it. All this chaos of course can only mean one thing. Our favourite nosy neighbour is out for a quick word.

Mean Gene asks what the hell is going on, and Hogan responds by pretty much saying "MAN!" a half dozen times. Savage asks Sting what the hell that punch was all about. Sting says that last week Hogan punched him by accident and says that what happened before was just that, an accident. Sting asks Savage to look into his eyes and see that he wish he could take it back. Hogan adds "BROTHER! BROTHER! He saved my ass! He saved my ass!" to that statement and Gene goes all Jerry Springer and tries to meddle by saying that Macho Man hit Sting as well. The 3 kiss and make up once again, it happens pretty much every damn week. The 3 announcers talk about the World Title match next week as Nitro goes off the air.

WCW – Aaah, good times: Well, the psychology in the Main Event was ace, so I'll have to give it to that

WCW – OH MY GOD WHAT THE WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Hogan's selling, and the fact that besides the ME, nothing noteworthy happened.

Well that's it for this slightly delayed edition of WCWOSROCA (damn that flu). Until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).