Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show...Which TWO wrestlers find themselves at the end of slaps tonight? Which wrestler FINALLY gets a World Title shot? And why are WCW so damn afraid that we’re gonna forget Hulk Hogan? Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: June 3rd, 1996

Location: Somewhere over the rainbow

Hey folks and welcome to another rootin’, tootin’ good time with me and WCW!...HEY! GET BACK HERE! Tonight we have Tony Schiavone looking like he belongs in an 80’s pop band and a Tag Team Title Main Event as Sting & Lex Luger defends against The Steiner Brothers on the heels of last week’s meltdown in the match between Sting and Scott Steiner. Arn Anderson & Ric Flair will face The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express, with rumours circulating that Bobby Heenan will be in the Horsemen’s corner at The Great American Bash. We get footage of The Dungeon of Doom raping The Shark’s dignity and shaving half his head last week as we go to the ramp where “Mean” Gene calls out The Shark for an interview. Shark promptly tells them to cut the music as Gene says that last week’s haircutting made him sick to his stomach...good thing he doesn’t really need that much of a haircut himself anymore, I’d imagine throwing up on your barber would be frowned upon by some people. Big Bubba apparently has kept The Shark’s hair as he gleefully throws it around the ring, I would imagine that he’s the one guy in the strip club that everyone avoids when he’s letting it rain on them bitches. The Shark says there’s a reason he’s not shaving the other half of his head...he’s got a job as a before and after model for Rogaine? No, sadly it’s just so he can relive the embarrassment of his neighbours laughing at him when he gets his mail...wait, what!?...he says that he’s not a Shark or an Avalanche, but instead a man! The twists and turns of WCW continue! He says his name is John Tenta and he’s gonna beat Big Bubba and shave The Giant’s head...aim high buddy (no pun intended...okay pun definitely intended).

Big Bubba w/ Jimmy Hart Vs John Tenta

Tenta really lays it into Big Bubba from the get go, and let me tell you, it’s definitely not the very definition of fast paced action. Big Bubba slides to the outside to regroup after Tenta charges him with a pair of scissors, falls and stabs himself with them...or at least he would’ve if this had been the world’s most awesome PSA (kids, don’t run with scissors while fighting in front of thousands of people). Big Bubba doesn’t dare to re-enter the ring and eventually gets counted out.

WINNER: John Tenta by Count Out

What a way to start the show! Schiavone thankfully re-assures us that there’s plenty more left on the show. To be honest, the segment wasn’t that bad...sure no one gives a rat’s ass about John Tenta or Big Bubba, but it was short and despite how incredibly insignificant a Pay-Per-View match it would be...at least it would be build (see how low I’m already willing to compromise on PPV quality?

High Voltage (Kenny Kaos & Robbie Rage) Vs Faces of Fear (Meng & The Barbarian)

Yeah, another match containing no one that anyone cares about. So the announcers resort to talking about The Great American Bash, which is actually only two weeks away now...how time flies. They talk about Luger and The Giant facing each other with Zbysko actually calling Luger “a very intelligent man”...this shit writes itself (DISCLAIMER!...no it doesn’t). This is apparently the debut of High Voltage, and I sorta have a sneaking suspicion that they’ll be on job duty for quite a while...like say, their entire career, cause god they are vanilla as hell. Faces of Fear takes my theory to heart as they isolate Robbie Rage and beats him up as we learn that The Giant will defend his title against Ice Train later tonight...have WCW never heard of a freaking non-title match!? Back to the match in the ring where The Barbarian hits a huge Top Rope Belly-to-Belly Suplex and him and Meng follows it up with a Stereo Flying Headbutt. Kaos tries to intervene, but he gets tossed out of the ring and Meng hits a Mafia Kick for the 3 count...shocker...

WINNERS: Faces of Fear

The crowd is surprisingly into this show compared to what they’ve got so far. We cut to the locker room where Okerlund is standing by with Luger & Sting. Gene lets Luger talk about what happened last week and he says that he hopes cooler heads will prevail tonight. Sting says that the Steiner will argue that Luger started it all when Scott went to Suplex Sting on the floor and Luger kicked him in the gut...which I’m pretty sure never happened, but you know...he did pull Sting down from that predicament. Luger asks Sting that if the Steiners are such good friends, why Scott would try to Suplex Sting on the floor in the first place. Before Sting can answer, out (in?) comes the Steiners. Rick asks Lex why he had to kick Scott in the gut and claims it was a cheap shot, but Sting actually says that if it had been Luger about to get Suplexed in that situation, he would’ve done the same. It all deteriorates into a shouting and shoving match as Gene gets all pissy as per usual, saying that he will never interview anyone of them ever again...chill out dude.

Disco Inferno Vs Sgt. Craig Pittman w/ Teddy Long

Watching the WCW fans during a Disco Inferno entrance is to see a collection of the whitest people alive doing the absolute worst dancing in the world, this being my absolute favourite this week. We’re 3 for 3 in “I DON’T CARE!!” matches so far this week...stellar booking guys.

Disco starts off the match by showing just how inept he is as he fails to hit an Arm Drag, allowing Pittman to hit one of his own. Disco does manage to out think Pittman for a second (not that it’s hard, but still) and hits a hard right hand, but he decides to follow it up by disco dancing in front of Teddy Long (...that’s a very strange sentence) and Pittman drives him down with a Gutwrench Powerbomb. Disco crawls into the corner to escape his opponent, but Teddy Long affectionately (or so it appears) ruffles up his hair, Disco hurts his hand trying to punch Pittman again (dear god) and Pittman hits a Battering Ram (Charging Headbutt) and goes for the Code Red but Disco gives up before he can lock it in...dear god...

WINNER: Sgt. Craig Pittman

We see footage of what appears to be WCW Saturday Night where Steven Regal back hand, bitch slapped Sting, REPLAY IT MAESTRO!“Lord” Steven Regal w/ Jeeves Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Well with two weeks to go until The Great American Bash, they’re sorta busy if they want Steven Regal to be a somewhat credible opponent for Sting, so of course they need him to go up against Duggan...of course...Regal’s mannerisms are awesome by the way, Duggan’s are just retarded. Duggan dominates from the get go and Regal begs him off...just like any worthy opponent of Sting would do I suppose. Regal shortly gains the upper hand only for Duggan to look like getting the victory after a Three Point Stance Clothesline. The Blue Bloods however comes out and distracts Duggan long enough for Regal to sneak a Roll Up for the win.

WINNER: “Lord” Steven Regal

Not exactly a good way to show that Regal is the real deal, but okay...hopefully they can rectify that next week (although odds are probably not). “Mean” Gene stands by with Regal, Taylor & Eaton and talks about Regal getting fined for slapping Sting and Regal says that he paid double just to get people to listen to him. Regal cuts a pretty good promo where he talks about wanting Sting at his angriest and his best so he has no excuse when he beats him. Next we get a video package that tells the story behind the Falls Count Anywhere Match at The Great American Bash between Kevin Sullivan & Chris Benoit which isn’t bad, but seriously, outside Slamboree everything happened at WCW Saturday Night...well at least they had the decency to mention it on Nitro this time around...baby steps forward I guess.

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Prince Iaukea

SPLAT!

WINNER: “Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan

God I hate the Double Stomp, I don’t care how much it REALLY hurts, it looks like shit (yes, I’m also looking at you Low-Ki). At least have the decency to Curb Stomp a guy instead.

Okerlund is standing by with Hart & Sullivan as they talk about the Pay-Per-View. Hart pleads to Sullivan as he tells him that with the World Title in the Dungeon of Doom, they have everything going for them (that’s a first) and that they shouldn’t have to mingle with Arn & Flair. Sullivan rambles for what seems like forever about Hulkamania not being dead and Benoit being a snake just like Pillman, Sullivan wants to get rid of Benoit to get rid of Hogan...errm...okay? I suppose if you...no...I can’t do that math, I think you need a Ph.D. or something.

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson) Vs Ric Flair & Arn Anderson w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express comes out to practically no reaction and the announcers for some reason disappear which detracts incredibly much. Flair & Arn comes out in football jerseys with Greene & McMichael on the back, giving the appearance of having staggered out drunk in their underwear on an NFL Sunday. The Express looks good for two incredibly old looking dudes for a big part of the opening of the match even managing to lock in stereo Figure-4 Leg Locks. They continue to dominate until Arn manages to pull Flair out of the way from a Morton charge to the corner making the guy with the glorious mullet collide with the turnbuckle. Arn tags in and takes control by isolating the arm as Bischoff speculates about Heenan managing Arn & Flair at GAB, but The Brain refuses to confirm or deny. Bischoff also mentions that Randy Savage has been suspended and won’t be able to wrestle in WCW in the near future...whatever the hell that means. This match is boring as hell by the way, as Morton pretty much gets his ass kicked again, and again, and again. Gibson does eventually nail Arn and allowing Morton to get the tag as Bobby Heenan suddenly makes his way to the ring and whispers something to the girls before leaving again...o...kaay? Gibson cleans house and The Express hits Double Dropkicks on both opponents before Woman rakes Gibson’s eyes and Arn hits him with a DDT allowing Flair to pin him.

WINNERS: Ric Flair & Arn Anderson

Bischoff apparently is convinced that Heenan used his managerial abilities to get Woman to rake Gibson’s eyes...stellar job Heenan, it’s not like she has done shit like that without your help for...errm...FOREVER! Okerlund is standing by with Flair, Arn, Heenan and the girls who are all drinking champagne by the VIP table. Gene starts off by giving the long awaited disclaimer that he’s not sure he can clear anything up before asking what the deal was with the jerseys and Arn responds that he’s too big to wear it...strange thing to brag about, being too fat to wear a football jersey, but okay...Gene then asks where the hell Flair got a Kevin Greene jersey from? Apparently they got the jerseys from Debra McMichael, and not just from any respectable US sports outlet. Gene asks Heenan if he’s gonna manage The Horsemen at The Great American Bash, Heenan says that he promised himself that he would never manage again and he wants to keep that promise so he apparently turns Flair & Arn down before leaving, buuuut he makes a u-turn and says that at the Bash he will COACH Flair & Arn.

After a commercial break, Bischoff talks to Heenan about his decision as Heenan explains that he’s doing it to prove that you can’t just cross over from the NFL and expect to win instantly...I mean apart from Goldberg...we get another Hulk Hogan promo video because lord knows we need our Hulkamania fix.

The Giant (c) w/ Jimmy Hart Vs Ice Train, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

We learn that Fire & Ice will face the Steiner Brothers at the Pay-Per-View due to the draw between them a few weeks back. Jimmy Hart pulls the leg of Ice Train to distract him and allows The Giant to hit him with a Chokeslam for the win.

WINNER: The Giant

Well, that was pointless. Scott Norton comes out to yell at The Giant, but as he turns around to tend to his partner he gets Chokeslammed twice. The Giant asks “Mean” Gene the very valid question about why the hell we have to watch video packages of Hogan. He says that since he’s the champion, they should show videos of him instead. He tells Luger that he wants to destroy Luger more than anyone else because he almost came between him and Jimmy Hart...is it just me or is the World Title feud actually starting to make sense. Bischoff says that Scott Norton was supposed to face Hugh Morrus next, but as we return from a commercial break Norton is still prone on the mat. That doesn’t stop Hugh Morrus for coming out to start the “match” though.

Scott Norton Vs Hugh Morrus

Morrus hits a Leg Drop and covers with one finger but pulls off after a 2 count. Morrus then repeatedly hits Elbow Drops while screaming for him to get up. Morrus climbs the turnbuckle to go for the No Laughing Matter, but Norton gets up and somewhat catches him before pummelling him a few times and covering for the pin...Hugh Morrus sucks!

WINNER: Scott Norton

I know that it was supposed to show how tough Norton is, but that just showed how big a bitch Hugh Morrus is after getting pinned from being punched in the face a couple of times...COME ON!

We get a training video of Kevin Greene and Steve McMichael, who for some reason carries a football around while training in the ring. They go over their game strategy and treat the whole thing as a football match before agreeing that they need someone to coach them. They then agree on trying to get Macho Man as their manager since he’s only barred from wrestling before we cut away to the main event.

Lex Luger & Sting (c) Vs The Steiner Brothers (Rick & Scott Steiner), WCW World Tag Team Title Match

Just as the match starts, Bischoff gets a phone call from Macho Man who says that he’s agreed to coach Mongo & Greene and despite Heenan’s pleading him to stay away, it’s to no avail. This is of course while the match is going on so I must admit I didn’t really pay attention, but as we return from a commercial break, Rick Steiner is dominating Luger. Rick almost gets a 3 count after a Top Rope Bulldog but Sting gets the save, and the referee escorts an irate Scott Steiner out of the ring while Luger tags Sting in. Surprisingly enough the referee allows it, resulting in Sting taking control with a Stinger Splash and locking in a Scorpion Deathlock, but Scott hits him with a Clothesline and gets the tag and almost gets the win off a Top Rope Frankensteiner but Luger saves. Scott goes for a Vertical Suplex but Sting counters it into an Inverted DDT (I refuse to call it a Scorpion Death Drop until it gets match winning capabilities). Sting gets the tag and Luger hits a Powerslam and applies the Torture Rack on Scott, but Rick kicks Luger in the gut to break the hold. The match at this point deteriorates into a brawl and as Sting & Rick Steiner fights on the outside, The Giant comes down a Chokeslams Rick before pulling down the top rope to make Scott tumble out of the ring and draw a DQ.

WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers by DQ

Luger immediately jumps The Giant and peppers him with punches. The Giant tries to fight back but Sting and Scott Steiner assists Luger fighting back and Luger manages to finally Clothesline The Giant over the top rope. We cut to the announcing booth where Heenan continues to plead with the Macho Man through the camera not to come to ringside at the Pay-Per-View. Suddenly, Scott Hall makes his way out to talk to Bischoff again. He says that he liked it so much last week that he came back for more, he reiterates that Bischoff started it and that he’s got a war now. Sting comes out and says that Hall said some nasty things last week and that he wants to fight him right here and right now. Hall says that if he wants a fight he’s got one, but he refuses to fight him now. Hall flicks his toothpick at Sting who responds with a slap (REPLAAAAY! ) before they get separated by security. Hall says that he’s got a “big” surprise for Sting and Bischoff next week before we fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: The way they’ve build the invasion angle continues to be awesome, with a nice hint about a surprise for next week that keeps the interest. The world title feud is also getting a nice build. I don’t really care about Arn & Flair Vs Greene & Mongo, but with the inclusion of Heenan & Savage to the match, it has a little more interest.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The wrestling was, to be blunt, piss poor tonight. Outside the main event that had some decent wrestling but was way too short, everything was boring and short and pointless.

Well that’s all from me folks, remember to read everything on the site, it’s good and yummy! Until next time, I’m Esben Evans and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.


SEND FEEDBACK TO ESBEN EVANS

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).