Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show...Will the two hours of WCW Nitro be a good or a bad thing? Will anyone care about “Hardwork” Bobby Walker? The Mauler? Steve Doll? Or Maxx Muscle? (wow, shapes up to be almost like WCW Saturday Night? And who is “invading” WCW? (DUM DUM DUUUM!) Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: May 27th, 1996

Location: Macon, GA

For the first time ever in Nitro will be 2 hours and I’m surprisingly upbeat about it after watching last week’s 90 minute “taster”, of course now it’s a matter of keeping up that head of steam and keep on trucking towards pure awesomeness. Tony Schiavone & Larry Zbysko are gonna announce the first hour with Bischoff and Heenan taking care of the second one. As far as I remember this is the first time Schiavone will announce on Nitro, having only substituted as an interviewer at one point. Sting will take on Scott Steiner in the Main Event for the first time ever (as far as they can recall), sadly 5 years later, everyone would’ve collectively screamed “AGAIN!” at that match, but I digress, let’s not wallow in the sadness of the future past, when we have perfectly good past past wrestling to entertain ourselves with (now THAT is a time conundrum worthy of any science fiction film). The Giant will face The Shark later on as well (see? 2 hours = happy times...>_>).

American Males (Marcus Bagwell & Scotty Riggs) Vs Ric Flair & Arn Anderson w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth

This is apparently a part of Flair & Anderson’s training towards The Great American Bash and their match against Mongo & Kevin Greene...well I suppose you always warm up before you begin the actual training. Flair & Arn use nice double teaming to isolate Scotty Riggs in the opening of the match. This continues until Riggs counters another attempt at a double team move, and Bagwell gets in and helps him gain control by neutralizing Flair allowing Riggs to take care of Arn before sending both men out of the ring. We go to commercial as Arn & Bagwell are in the ring, and as we return, we do so just in time to see Bagwell’s big comeback. Riggs gets tagged in but Flair & Arn team up to gain control as they begin to target his knee. By the way, 10 minutes into the first 2 hour broadcast and Schiavone & Zbysko are getting drunk...welcome to WCW!  Riggs are in trouble until he hits an Enziguri to send Arn out of the ring and get the hot tag to Bagwell. Bagwell clears house and hits a Missile Dropkick on Flair, but Arn breaks up the pin. Bagwell hits a Bridging Fisherman’s Suplex (which appears to be his finishing move) but the referee is busy getting Riggs out of the ring and Arn breaks it up in time...again...Bagwell gets another pin on Flair shortly after but Woman rakes him in the eyes to break it up (for some reason it doesn’t draw a DQ...but WCW’s DQ rules are convoluted as hell), as the referee is distracted, Arn gets in the ring and nails him with a DDT, allowing Flair to pick up the pin.

WINNERS: Ric Flair & Arn Anderson

Okerlund is standing by the VIP table to talk to the winners. He brings up McMichael & Greene and Arn says that he can take on any football player and that he has no respect for anyone wearing protective gear (guess he wasn’t a big fan of “Screamin’” Norman Smiley). Flair then cuts a promo (in his usual coked up way) talking about how Debra belongs to him. HOLY FUCK! That’s the most fucked up guy I’ve ever seen, he sorta looks like something out of “The Thing” or that doctor guy from Resident Evil 2 after he’s transformed. He looks like an optical illusion for Christ’s sake! We cut to a training video of Steve McMichael & Kevin Greene lifting weights and grunting...slightly disturbing

Steve Doll Vs The Mauler w/ Col. Robert Parker

See! If Nitro didn’t go to 2 hours, we probably wouldn’t have had THIS awesome match...yeah...what a shame THAT would’ve been. The Mauler is apparently a new signing by Col. Parker and he dominates Steve Doll by throwing him around...and...stuff. The Mauler drives Doll over the top rope, but as he goes with him it doesn’t count as a DQ (apparently...I’ve given up understanding that “rule”). Outside the ring, The Mauler continues to destroy his opponent as we go to commercials. Once we come back, Scott Hall comes through the crowd and climbs the rail. He grabs a microphone and basically trashes the WCW before saying that when that “Ken doll wannabe” comes out here later, he has a challenge to issue before saying that if WCW want a war, they’ve got one. I normally don’t talk about what happens in the immediate future, but needless to say, this was the beginning of the single biggest angle in wrestling history, and the angle that made WCW that much more interesting actually until they closed (not necessarily good, but more interesting). The match is apparently thrown out as we go to commercials once more.

WINNER: No contest

Sgt. Craig Pittman w/ Teddy Long Vs Diamond Dallas Page

DDP mocks Pittman and does a few push-ups, but Pittman upstages him by doing a few with only one arm and then dodging a punt leaving DDP to hit air and crashing to the mat. DDP complains about Pittman pulling his hair before he pokes him in the eye and headbutts him, but apparently Pittman is part Samoan as DDP knocks himself out of the ring by doing that. The announcers keep talking about who the mysterious benefactor that helped out DDP making his return could be, my vote is on it being completely ignored soon. Pittman locks in a variation of the Code Red, but DDP grabs hold of Teddy Long to get the break and then pushes him to the floor which causes Pittman to check on him and turn directly into a Diamond Cutter for the 3 count.

WINNER: Diamond Dallas Page

We get a video package showing how crazy Randy Savage has become, the thing is edited in typical 90s fashion with delicious close ups and a horrible voice over. Coming up next, Hogan on Baywatch and The Giants yelling...exciting!

We return after commercials to Okerlund standing by with The Shark in the locker room area. The Shark complains about getting beat up by The Giant and getting kicked out of the Dungeon of Doom as he claims he’s gonna hurt Sullivan by winning the World Title (...well...). The Shark claims to have almost ended Hulkamania, which might be stretching it just a bit, and speaking of Hulkamania, here’s a video package of our favourite Hulkster (favourite by default, but still our favourite) and the celebrities that he’s hung out with (George Foreman, Shaquille O’Neal, Dennis Rodman, Kevin Greene, “Sugar” Ray Leonard, the cast of Baywatch and him starring in several “big” movies, like Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando...*ahem*)...well he has been gone for a little while now so I suppose it was about time they reminded us just how awesome he is...I almost forgot...

The second hour of Nitro begins as we switch to Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan at the regular announcer’s table, they discuss Mongo and Kevin Greene training before Bischoff mentions that they won’t dignify the interruption by Scott Hall with a response, and that if he has something to say he can say it straight to Bischoff himself.

The Giant (c) w/ Jimmy Hart Vs The Shark, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

The Shark hails from...Tsunami...yes, The Shark was born and raised in a large tidal wave. That suddenly makes Parts Unknown sound like a good idea all of a sudden. The Shark tries to knock The Giant off his feet by repeatedly hitting him with Shoulder Blocks until The Giant floors him with one Clothesline. The champion repeatedly kicks him in the corner and then inexplicably turns his back allowing The Shark to hit a Double Axe Handle from the top to little effect. Shark tries to lift Giant up for a Scoop Slam but he’s unable to lift him and instead ends up on the receiving end of one. The Shark gains some momentum from an Eye Gouge and is eventually able to knock The Giant off his feet with a Top Rope Clothesline before Jimmy Hart jumps up on the apron to distract him long enough for The Giant to hit a Chokeslam for the win.

WINNER: The Giant

After the match, Big Bubba comes out and shaves half of The Shark’s head while The Giant simply watches. SEE! When you got your dignity raped, it was karma coming back to bite you in your fat ass...bastard. According to Bischoff this is the most disgraceful thing a wrestler can do to another...I dunno what wrestlers have against getting a free haircut.

Lex Luger (c) Vs Maxx Muscle, WCW World Television Title Match

Holy fuck! I completely forgot that the TV Title even existed. Maxx Muscle is so awesome that he has TWO x’s in his first name, and a Mohawk! If that doesn’t spell class, I don’t know what does. For a person who didn’t wanna talk about Scott Hall, Bischoff sure...you know...talk a lot about Scott Hall.

Maxx starts by bring Luger down a few times to show his strength, Luger gets a few Running Forearms in before Maxx hits a Powerslam for 2. Bischoff talks to someone off camera and then announces that Hall will get time to talk at the end of the hour. Maxx Muscle continues to dominate as Bischoff talks a little about The Great American Bash where Benoit will face Kevin Sullivan in a Falls Count Anywhere Match, this match stems from Benoit thinking that Kevin Sullivan is a homewrecker within the 4 Horsemen, the delicious irony of course being that Benoit would steal Sullivan’s wife (Woman) during this feud. Luger comes back with a Running Forearm and a Powerslam before he locks in the Torture Rack out of nowhere for the win.

WINNER: Lex Luger

After the match, “Mean” Gene is standing by to talk to Luger about his upcoming World Title match. Luger says that no one wants The Giant more than he does as we see footage from when The Giant Chokeslammed Luger through a table on Nitro a couple of weeks back. Luger says that he can’t believe The Giant didn’t care about the match and wanted to take him out instead, but he’s still standing and Luger says that he wants every big man that WCW’s got before his match against The Giant...to prepare, or something...I dunno.

“Hardwork” Bobby Walker Vs Brad Armstrong

...ooookay? Talk about a random match...yeah, my mind sorta went blank during this match, purely due to me not caring one tiny iota. Neither does the crowd by the way, but at least they have a concession stand to go to. Bobby Walker loses his balance on the top rope TWICE during this match, before he picks up the win with a Top Rope Spear.

WINNER: “Hardwork” Bobby Walker (to a thundering no one cares from the crowd)

“Lord” Steven Regal w/ Jeeves Vs Alex Wright

We go straight into the next match which at least has a semi-over wrestler in Regal who are quite good at drawing heat. Alex Wright starts off pretty well as Bischoff talks about Regal’s tough past where he had to wrestle in tar pits in India and wrestle for his food. Turns out that “Bum Fights” weren’t exactly a new thing then, it’s been going on for years. We come back from a commercial with Regal in control with him locking in a variation of STF, and then hits some forearms and a Double Knee to the face. Wright actually shows some nice agility as he jumps onto the turnbuckle in one jump and backflips over Regal before rolling him up for a 2 count. Regal yells to the camera that there’s no chance that anyone will come into the company and take anything away from him, but Wright might (hehe, rhyme) as he hits a Dropkick and a couple of European Uppercuts. Wright hits a Jumping Sidekick before going for a Monkey Flip in the corner, but Regal blocks it and hits a Jackknife pin for the 3 count out of nowhere.

WINNER: “Lord” Steven Regal

Okerlund is standing by with Regal in the ring after the match and Gene asks him about what his adversity towards USA is. Regal calls Gene a miserable, little toad (HA!) before mentioning that it’s memorial day and that his father would be so pleased that he managed to beat “Junior Adolf” (HAHAHA!) Regal was fucking awesome even back then. Regal then says bloody a lot as he berates The Giant, Macho Man and Scott Hall as he talks about wanting to have a say about what’s going on here. Regal challenges Sting to a match, saying that he wants to prove himself and get a shot at The Giant’s title...wait a minute...is this the beginning of a Regal push!?

Scott Steiner Vs Sting

Sting grabs some food from Flair’s VIP table, gotta load up on energy before a big match I suppose. Scott Steiner uses his power to dominate from the get go, but Sting uses his quickness and agility to get back into it. Steiner hits a Double Underhook Powerbomb and a Belly-to-Belly Suplex before he jumps from the top rope and hits Sting outside the ring with a Double Axe Handle which back in the ring gets him a 2 count. Steiner continues his dominance and locks in an STF in the middle of the ring, but for some reason Steiner releases his hold and switches it to an Armbar instead. Steiner releases his hold again (is this guy afraid of actually winning or what?) and instead opts to go for a Vertical Suplex, but Sting counters and hits a Scorpion Death Drop, which is the first time I believe that he’s used that move...although this was back when it was simply an Inverted DDT, so he doesn’t even go for the pin...it’s amazing how much more devastating a move gets once you call it something different. Sting actually manages to hit a Stinger Splash (seems like the first time in months), but tries to hit another and instead hits the turnbuckle and gets nailed with a Dragon Suplex. Lex Luger comes out and is almost immediately followed by Rick Steiner as Scott hits a Top Rope Samoan Drop and motions for the Frankensteiner, but Sting holds on to the ropes resulting in Steiner not connecting. Sting puts him in the Scorpion Deathlock but since it’s right by the ropes it leads to nothing. Steiner goes for a Tombstone Piledriver, but Sting counters and hits one of his own, but he only gets a 2 count. Sting goes for a Splash, but Steiner gets his knees up and both men ends up on the floor. Here Scott tries to Suplex Sting, but Luger pulls Sting down and throws Scott back into the ring, which of course results in Rick Steiner and Luger going at it, which ends up involving both Scott Steiner and Sting causing the no contest.

WINNER: No contest

Several wrestlers run out to separate the two teams as we cut back to the announcer’s table where Scott Hall comes out to confront Bischoff. Hall says that WCW is a joke and he continues to say “we” as he challenges Bischoff to get 3 of his best wrestlers for a match “where it matters” in a Call of Duty team deathmatch...or in the ring, whichever, as he says that they are taking over. Hall leaves a stunned Bischoff and Heenan sitting lost for words as we fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Well whenever anyone think back on the first 2 hour Nitro one thing comes to mind, that obviously being Scott Hall. It’s hard to praise the way this angle was started enough, cause say what you will, him “invading” the show was fucking brilliant. The rest of the night was largely forgettable and sadly not of the same quality as last week, but Hall making the challenge has created a whole new level of interest for next week’s show.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: As I said, if you take Hall out of the equation, nothing about this significant show made me take notice. It was largely boring, uninteresting, and it didn’t even showcase anyone that couldn’t have been showcased on a 1 hour episode, with the exception of Steven Regal (don’t say Bobby Walker, that guy is green as broccoli). But it’s a start, and I’m very much looking forward to the month of June, which I think is the first time I’ve ever said anything like that when it comes to WCW.

That’s it, join me again soon for more WCW as we slowly work towards The Great American Bash and a wrestling landscape changing angle. Until next time, I’m Esben Evans, read everything on the site and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.


SEND FEEDBACK TO ESBEN EVANS

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).