Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show...Has Randy Savage learned to control his temper? (odds are...no) What is more important than Malenko Vs Liger? (AKA guess who’s coming to dinner!) and who are you gonna call when your title challenger doesn’t bother to show up? (HOOOOOOOOOOO!) Get the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

 

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: May 6th, 1996

Location: Daytona Beach, FL

Just under 2 weeks to Slamboree (which I, gracious and awesome as I am, will cover) and looking at the Pay-Per-View now...it’s not looking like it’s gonna be that exciting. A tournament to crown a new number 1 contender for the World Title and it features mostly lower card guys plus a World Title Match between two people that just seem to have been thrown together...not exactly riveting stuff. Tonight we’ll have a World Title match between The Giant & Lex Luger, this match was made because Luger asked for it...seriously...it was apparently THAT easy to get a World Title shot at this point (and we haven’t even gotten to the random actors yet...unless you count Hogan), Randy Savage will take on Hugh Morrus (again), Jushin “Thunder” Liger will face Dean Malenko (could be awesome!) and Sting takes on Steven Regal, just because.

Hugh Morrus Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

The announcers talk about the Hog Wild Pay-Per-View which will be coming in August and which will be at a biker rally in Sturgis...you know, might as well try and merge every white trash event you possibly can. Hugh Morrus jumps Savage outside the ring before the match officially gets going. Morrus throws Savage around a bit using the guard rail and ring post to soften him up before finally rolling him into the ring. Once inside the ropes, he taunts Savage by putting on his hat, glasses and ring jacket...basically making him look even more like a dickhead than he usually does.  He does manage to draw a decent amount of heat due to this though, and of course it makes Savage explode as he relentlessly rakes Morrus’ eyes and then chokes him with the ring jacket. He swings him over the top rope and basically hangs the fucker as the referee does the obligatory 5 count and since Savage doesn’t stop, the referee calls for the bell.

WINNER: Hugh Morrus by DQ

After the match, Savage drags Hugh Morrus back into the ring and plants a Flying Elbow Drop on him before the referee pushes Savage away. Macho Man responds by slapping the referee to the mat, throwing Morrus out of the ring and then planting the ref with a Scoop Slam and a Flying Elbow Drop. Doug Dillinger and a bunch of police officers and referees come out and escort a celebrating Savage to the back, although no cuffs this time...for some odd reason...I mean, jump Ric Flair and he’ll get cuffed, but demolish a referee and he’s just escorted away? Note to self, when attacking people, always choose someone who’s incapable of realistically defending himself and you won’t get prosecuted.

Dean Malenko Vs Jushin “Thunder” Liger w/ Sonny Ono’o

We learn that Ohtani apparently won the inaugural Cruiserweight Title and is scheduled to defend it at Slamboree, which thinking back on his match against Eddie Guerrero at Starrcade, probably won’t be a bad thing at all. Heenan claims that Ono’o is his business partner...you know despite claiming to have been screwed over by him prior to Starrcade...continuity ftw! An early spirited exchange between the two wrestlers ultimately ends up with Liger nailing Malenko with an Enziguri, but just as this match appears to become promising...the focus is abruptly taken away as Ric Flair for some reason comes out in a tuxedo escorted by Woman and Miss Elizabeth and sets himself down by the entrance ramp at a decked table. We do return to the match though where Liger seems to be in control as we go to commercials.

Coming back from commercials and we return to...Ric Flair’s VIP section!? COME ON! Why the hell do they spend time on showing this while there’s a match going on!? We do eventually return to the ring where Dean Malenko seems to get in control as he locks in a Spinning Toe Hold thus grounding the normally high flying Liger. This doesn’t seem to stop Liger though as he makes his comeback eventually positioning Malenko on the turnbuckle and dropkicking him to the floor and following it up with a Cross Body Block from the top rope to the floor. Back in the ring, both men gets close with a couple of pin attempts before Malenko manages to hit a Top Rope Gutbuster. Malenko sets Liger up for a Powerbomb, but Liger counters and almost catches a pin. A nice series of counters and standing switches follows until Malenko finally manages to hit a Double Underhook Sit-Out Powerbomb for the three count. Good match.

WINNER: Dean Malenko

I don’t get why Flair couldn’t have waited until after the match to sit down in the “VIP section”, it made no sense to interrupt and detract from an otherwise very good match like that. “Mean” Gene stands by with Flair and his women as he talks about what the deal with the feast is. Flair rambles about showing people how to have a good time, and err...other stuff...and something about The Giant being lucky. Flair talks about how he’ll end Macho Man once and for all at Slamboree, which I guess means that he won’t be going all BFF with Savage after all. Flair says that he knows there’s a killer blonde that would like to have a cocktail with him as he once again draws attention to Debra McMichael. He sends a drink over to Debra and she gleefully pours it out, Flair wants to show her why he’s called an “all night cowboy” as Mongo sounds angry...or well, actually he more comes off as mildly annoyed, but you know...that’s Mongo for you. We get a full Glacier promo (or as it was at this point simply something about “Blood Runs Cold”), this guy was totally not a rip off of Sub-Zero...uh nuh...not even the slightest bit.

“Lord” Steven Regal w/ Jeeves Vs Sting

Bischoff talks about Luger apparently not being here yet...look, I know they want to make seem like a bit of a coward, but it’s a World Title match for fuck’s sake! Why would he be too afraid to try and win a match he asked for, when it’s for the freaking top belt? They should just choose whether or not to portray him as a heel, because this tweener bullshit is not doing him any good. Regal is bandaged up due to last week’s parking lot match in a way that would make even Randy Savage impressed.

Sting almost immediately locks in the Scorpion Deathlock, but Regal makes it to the ropes as we learn that The Belfast Bruiser is unable to compete as Regal’s partner at Slamboree because of injuries sustained last week (you know...despite him walking away as what appeared to be unscathed) and instead Regal will, due to the “luck of the draw” team up with “Squire” David Taylor...you know, it’s amazing how this random drawing just keeps on drawing wrestlers either to pair up with or square off against wrestlers that they are connected with in some way...it’s almost like it was booked by someone...RIGHT! The match! Regal acts like every little move hurts like hell due to his injuries, and Sting responds to it by insinuating that he’s gay ...which one of you are wearing make-up and wears a sparkly jacket to the ring again? Regal takes control with a few different locks and rest holds until Sting explodes and unloads with a Dropkick, a Powerslam, a few Clotheslines and a Scoop Slam. Sting goes for a Stinger Splash and misses resulting in Regal trying a Double Underhook Suplex but Sting blocks it and hits a nice looking variation of his own for the 3 count.

WINNER: Sting

They’re apparently still unsure as to whether Luger will show up for the Main Event...wow...solid booking guys...returning from commercial break, Luger’s music apparently plays (although it’s Sting’s music, didn’t Luger have his own?) but out comes...”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (YOINK! *bait and switch*). Everyone is obviously confused as to why he’s here, which to be fair, so is Duggan most of the time. But yeah...apparently, Duggan has taken Luger’s place in this WORLD TITLE MATCH!! Fuck you WCW...

The Giant (c) w/ Jimmy Hart Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

So yeah...the crowd is surprisingly behind Duggan considering they were promised Luger. “Hacksaw” tries to jump Giant before the match but ultimately he gets pummelled by the champion, and that basically continues until The Giant hits the Chokeslam...squash...

WINNER: The Giant

After the match, The Giant hits another Chokeslam on Duggan causing Cobra (!?) to come out and receive one as well. This causes Fidel Sierra (!!!!???) and Alex Wright to run out (seriously, do these jobbers have a union or something!?) but all ends in Chokeslams until Ric Flair runs down with a wooden chair which he breaks over The Giants head, but to no effect. It does distract him long enough for Sting to run out and clip the big man’s knees repeatedly however, and Sting tries to floor The Giant with haymakers until he climbs up top and finally manages to bring him down with a Double Axehandle and actually lock in the Scorpion Deathlock before Jimmy Hart blasts him with the megaphone. Sting shrugs it off and goes after Hart, but just when it appears that The Giant is gonna sneak up on Sting from behind, Luger runs out and holds him off with a metal briefcase. Okerlund comes out to try and figure out what the hell is going on as Luger repeatedly throws down and picks up the briefcase for some weird reason...he’s almost like a video game character where you repeatedly forget which button you pick up and drop items with. Stings asks Luger where the hell he’s been, and Luger actually asks Sting what he means by that...well, maybe because you HAD A FREAKING WORLD TITLE MATCH YOU MEGA DOUCHE! Sting and Luger yells a bit at each other as we go off the air.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: I loved the opening segment (especially the hanging bit at the end, which looked fucking sick!), it’s been a while since I thought that a WCW show opened in the exact right way, but this time they did it. They managed to make Savage look like a psycho (tough job, I know) and it creates a bit of excitement regarding the whole Savage and Flair situation at Slamboree. What we get to see of Malenko Vs Liger was very entertaining as well, and I liked that we finally saw some sort of interaction between Sting and The Giant, that was very much needed considering their match is in less than two weeks.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Why did they have to distract people with Flair during an otherwise good match. Sting Vs Regal was surprisingly bad considering the two participants, and of course that fucking “bait and switch” in the World Title match. I may not think highly of Luger, but he’s much better than Jim Duggan. I hate it when they don’t deliver what they promise, and sadly WCW was experts in doing this, so I doubt it’ll be the last time you’ll read me rant on about something like this.

A mixed bag tonight, but overall I would actually still say it was a much better show than the previous few weeks. Until next time, I’m Esben Evans, read all the other stuff on the site and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like watch a vampire film where the vampires freaking SPARKLE in daylight. TURN TO DUST MOTHERFUCKERS!)


SEND FEEDBACK TO ESBEN EVANS

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).