THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS
On tonight’s show...What is it about faces not thinking it’s cheating when it’s against Harlem Heat? Who tries a rather unconventional way of pimping a ride? And will we get a new World Champion and thus the Slamboree card actually make sense? Get all the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…
WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!
Date: April 29th, 1996
Location: Albany, GA
Here we go again with another week of Nitro action. Only a few more weeks until they bumped it up to 2 hours, hooray and joy as I’ll double the pain, and maybe double the amount of Vodka it takes for me to do these recaps. Good times a plenty! Just kidding, I’m sober, although who knows once my workload goes up. But for now it’s luckily just an hour, and tonight we have a World Title match between Ric Flair & The Giant AND a Tag Team Title match pitting Sting & Lex Luger up against Harlem Heat, plus we’ll have a Parking Lot Brawl between Steven Regal & The Belfast Bruiser...this actually might not be a bad show after all! (knock on wood)
Sting & Lex Luger (c) Vs Harlem Heat (Booker T & Stevie Ray), WCW World Tag Team Title Match
Wow, some people are just incredibly white...you know what instead of elaborating, here it is as a GIF REEEEPLAAAAY! At Slamboree, we’ll have Lex Luger & Road Warrior Animal facing Hawk & Booker T, which actually could be interesting considering that they have all been costing each other Tag Title matches left and right for a while now. Mongo talks about last Saturday night and how a “mysterious” cow was thrown into the ring...of course I would qualify any cow that’s thrown into a wrestling ring to pretty damn mysterious, but I digress. *looking up the incident* oh a TOWEL! Well that makes infinitely more sense, but can you really blame me for thinking that Mongo might have said cow? IT’S MONGO!...fucking Southern drawl...
Sting & Booker T starts off this match with Booker first using technical counters to ultimately floor Sting with a Sidekick, and then Sting using his speed to counter and ultimately floor Booker with a Shoulder Block. Luger gets tagged, and almost instantly gets beaten up by both members of Harlem Heat as Bischoff talks about the teaming of Savage and Flair again saying “thanks a LOT random drawing”...yeah...random...completely random...anyway, Luger fights back with a vicious beat down to Stevie Ray before he tags in Sting who trades offence with first Stevie and then Booker T as we go to commercial.
As we return Booker T is dominating Sting and even when he misses an Elbow Drop, he transitions it into a Spin-a-roonie and nails a devastating Harlem Sidekick, holy FUCK that looked great. You would’ve bought it if he had picked up a win there, remember how agile and great Booker T used to be? Well, I do now. Anyway he spends way too long posing and only gets a 2 count for his trouble. He tags in Stevie Ray who tries to show that he’s awesome too, only to hit a sloppy looking Pump Kick also getting a 2 count. Stevie Ray wasn’t exactly the best of wrestlers, but he was actually a pretty funny announcer on WCW Thunder. Booker tags in and the first thing he does is to collide with Sting as both men attempts Clotheslines. Sting obviously gets the hot tag to Luger who cleans house before Harlem Heat double teams him and manages to hit a nice Backbreaker/Flying Elbow Drop combo, but before they can get a pin, Jimmy Hart comes out and tries to throw in the towel. Booker T catches it and grabs a hold of Hart after Stevie Ray throws him into the ring, only for Sting to roll up Booker T for a 3 count.
WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger
I thought Luger was supposed to be the morally ambiguous character who would be willing to do most things to get a win, and then Stings pins Booker T in a way that just months prior would’ve resulted in nothing but headshaking and disappointment had it been Luger...oh well, that’s WCW for you.
Fire & Ice (Scott Norton & Ice Train) Vs The Steiner Brothers (Rick & Scott Steiner)
Bischoff talks about how well Fire & Ice complement each other, almost breaking out into a rousing rendition of “Ebony & Ivory” or at least that’s what I think he meant considering they’re both pretty hoss-tacular, ah I kid, I like Scott Norton...Ice Train? Not so much. Apparently the Steiners will also be on opposite teams facing each other come Slamboree...wow...not overdoing the “regular partners on opposing teams” angle at all. They could at least wait until the 2nd round with some of these matches, but I digress.
Ice Train and Rick Steiner starts off the match and Ice Train dominates his opponent until Rick hits a German Suplex pretty much out of nowhere prompting both men to tag out. Norton starts off by ignoring Scott’s offence until Steiner breaks out a few different suplexes. Norton fires back as he catches Scott off the top rope and Gorilla Press Slams him, but he gets dropped onto the top rope and Scott tags out to his brother, who then gets instantly manhandled by Scott Norton first and then Ice Train. All hell breaks loose as all 4 men gets in the ring, but as Norton Clotheslines Scott over the top rope, Rick Steiner nails Ice Train with a Steiner-line for the win.
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers
Ice Train kicks out just after the 3 count but it’s over although everyone seems a little confused and unsure about it. “Mean” Gene is gonna interview the world champion as he claims that people are literally hanging from the rafters...someone really ought to tell him the definition of the word “literally”. Flair doesn’t seem too worried about facing The Giant because he has Woman & Miss Elizabeth by his side. He asks Woman and Elizabeth if The Giant is even half the man that Ric Flair is and they both say no. So I guess that’s settled...or something...I dunno, it was pointless. We go to commercials, and I think I saw a glimpse of a Glacier promo before the video cut away, that guy freaking ruled in ridiculousness, especially when he came back in 2000.
“Lord” Steven Regal Vs The Belfast Bruiser, Parking Lot Match
We jump right back from commercials to the parking lot where Regal and Finlay are beating each other up between 4 strategically placed cars. I wonder if the fans in the arena can even see this considering as far as I know, there weren’t any screens back then. But fuck them, that’s why TV rules and there’s absolutely no reason as to why you have to leave the comfort of your own home. Anyway, this feud has gone on for a while now, so far culminating in a match at Uncensored where Regal broke his nose legit. We learned last week that they are gonna tag together at Slamboree, which should turn out pretty similar to Savage & Flair probably. Anyway, this match doesn’t feature that much actual wrestling but more punches and heads banging into cars. Highlights include Belfast Bruiser channelling Goldberg and kicking through a car window, then later on using a tire and a bumper to beat up Regal before strangling him with a seatbelt. It’s definitely not as fun as it could’ve been, but the finish was okay as Regal low blows Finlay and Piledrives him on the roof of a car before pinning him on the hood. Nice ending.
WINNER: “Lord” Steven Regal
Regal then walks off...okay? He could’ve least like stomped him a few times or something, I mean come on! Show some tenacity people!
Ric Flair (c) w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs The Giant w/ Jimmy Hart, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match
We’re almost at the end of yet another disappointing edition on Nitro, but hopefully we can go out on a slightly more interesting note with this title match...I seriously doubt we will, but I try to keep a positive outlook on life (for example, there’s only roughly 5 years worth of WCW for me to recap yet...oh dear god...). Flair once again stops in front of Debra McMichael and tries to get her to kiss his cheek as Mongo claims that there are two of a country boy’s things you don’t mess with, his dog or his wife (I would’ve marked if he had said his banjo and his John Deere, but yeah...I’m weird like that), I think it’s nice that Mongo groups his wife and his dog together like that, I’m starting to see why Debra left him.
The Giant dominates the early proceedings as he shrugs off Flair’s offence and throws him around a bit. This continues until Flair’s women distracts the referee long enough for Flair to block a Chokeslam attempt and hit a Low Blow and then brings out a pair of Brass Knuckles to knock the big man to the mat as Jimmy Hart subsequently argues with the referee. Flair applies the Figure-4 Leg Lock on what appears to be an unconscious Giant, but almost immediately after doing so, The Giant sits up and applies a choke, gets to his feet and Chokeslams Flair for the 3 count.
WINNER and NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion: The Giant
“Mean” Gene gets in the ring to talk to The Giant and Jimmy Hart. Hart says that tonight Flair gets to go home with the women, but he gets to go home with the World champion...love knows no boundaries indeed. The Giant says that he has been the rightful champion since Halloween Havoc and he will be accepting all challengers. The announcers talk about what just happened and about Slamboree, which all of a sudden makes perfect sense with Flair now actually being able to gain something for competing in the Lethal Lottery, and Sting Vs The Giant now being for the World Title...sure the reason why Sting and The Giant are wrestling each other is flimsy at best, but I mean...it’s logical by WCW standards.
WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Apart from an awesome looking Harlem Sidekick, and a nice looking Piledriver on a car, it’s another disappointing week of Nitro. Slamboree was hardly built up tonight, and to be honest, it doesn’t appear like they’re gonna start anytime soon with the exception of the whole Flair/Savage situation. I just hope they’re gonna build up the World Title match just a little bit now.
WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: As I said, the show was disappointing, especially considering that it was a promising card. The matches were either short or just plain uneventful, and nothing was really progressed tonight apart from the World Title switching hands. Here’s to hoping the next couple of weeks can build Slamboree up to be a little more than what it appears to be now, a randomly thrown together card.
Until next week, I’m Esben Evans, check out the rest of the website and I guarantee there’s laughs aplenty...otherwise just re-read my old ones or something (I’M FUNNY DAMMIT!) and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like hire Hulk Hogan to bring my wrestling promotion forward...in 2010!)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).