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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show...Is the over the top rope DQ rule still in effect? Does it signal the exact moment where this episode crashes and burns? Does it still piss me off? (the answer to all 3 is yes...yes...oh god, yes). Get all the answers to all these questions (technically, you already have, but please still stick around) and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

 

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: April 22nd, 1996

Location: Somewhere over the rainbow...or at least in the US

Tonight we have a clusterfuck of a main event (I believe clusterfuck is one of the words I use most in my recaps...for some odd reason >_>) as we have a rematch of Ric Flair & The Giant Vs Sting & Lex Luger HOWEVER all titles will be on the line, which means that if Flair gets pinned whoever does that wins the World Title (according to Bischoff that does include The Giant (!!?)) and if Luger gets pinned whoever does that will get the TV Title, on top of that the Tag Team Titles will of course also be on the line...but I suppose if Sting or Luger pins The Giant, everything will be status quo...but that couldn’t possibly happen, no sirree, not at all. OH MY GOD! MONGO YOU FREAK! I mean poor Pepé.

Public Enemy (Johnny Grunge & Rocco Rock) Vs American Males (Marcus Bagwell & Scotty Riggs)

It’s very rare I refer to American Males as a step up, but in comparison to The Nasty Boys, they are just that. Public Enemy jump their opponents from behind, but the American Males fire back rather quickly with Bagwell hitting a surprisingly nice looking Double Flying Clothesline from the top, followed by them stereo knocking Public Enemy over the top rope and both hitting a Slingshot Cross Body Block. Bischoff mentions Brian Pillman and wishes that he gets well after his car accident, Pillman would never set foot in a WCW ring again as he left for first ECW and then WWF shortly after this. This is actually a pretty good match with both teams working surprisingly well...no joke...I’m actually stunned. Rocco Rock hits a decent looking Lionsault on Bagwell for a 2 count, and Public Enemy generally manages to contain Bagwell and draw some surprising heat as well (although they can only maintain it while doing their arm wave pose). Bagwell almost steals a 3 count of a Cross Body Block counter from the Top Rope, but Public Enemy continues to dominate until Rocco Rock misses a Swanton Bomb of sorts and Bagwell manages to get the hot tag to Scotty Riggs. Riggs cleans house, but after a failed attempt by Bagwell to help out, Riggs gets double teamed by Public Enemy who throws him over the top rope...for the DQ!? NOT AGAIN!

WINNERS: American Males by DQ

Seriously, FUCK OFF WITH THIS FUCKING RULE! I mean let’s not look at how ridiculous it is in itself, but more on how little they enforce it! Last week, Sting and Luger BOTH threw Ric Flair over the top rope in front of the referee (who coincidentally was the SAME FUCKING Nick Patrick!). It’s the weakest finish, and the weakest rule of all time. After the match, Public Enemy put Scotty Riggs through a table in the same way as they did with Jerry Sags.

We come back from a commercial break with “Mean” Gene standing on the ramp with two bored looking bimbos as he talks about Slamboree and the Lethal Lottery coming up in a month, and in a move unlike anything I’ve seen so far on Nitro...they actually talk about the matches. Here are what they tell us: Hugh Morrus & Meng Vs Barbarian & Bobby Walker (who by the way was the random black dude who helped restrain Randy Savage last week...the more you know!), the big thing about this match obviously being that The Faces of Fear are on opposite sides, other than that it was met with complete silence by the crowd. Stevie Ray & Big Bubba Vs Scott Norton & Ice Train, that’s apparently what we have so far...or at least what they’ve bothered to mention on Nitro. Okerlund proceeds to draw another match right there as he draws Ric Flair & Randy Savage Vs Arn Anderson & Eddie Guerrero...that’s bound to end well. Apart from it being an okay twist to the whole Flair Vs Savage feud, why is Flair in a tournament that ultimately crowns a new contender for the World Title when he’s already champion?

Eddie Guerrero Vs Chris Benoit

This should be a very good match, and it’s been a while since we’ve seen these two on Nitro. Both guys start off quite competitive as Bischoff talks about who’s left in the WCW Cruiserweight Title Tournament mentioning Shinjiro Ohtani as the New Japan representative, and Eddie Guerrero, Bobby Eaton (?) and Brad Armstrong (???) still being in the running as well. Back to the match where Benoit almost grabs a 3 count with a bridged German Suplex, but he fails to capitalize and the two exchange offence for a couple of minutes until Benoit blocks a Sunset Flip attempt by sitting down and grabbing the rope for the win...really? That’s it?

WINNER: Chris Benoit

Coming up next, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Vs Meng...yeah, thank GOD that this match didn’t allow to go any longer or we might’ve missed out on a GREAT encounter...thanks...

Okerlund is standing by on the ramp with...old guy in suit? His name is Rob Garner and he’s apparently the VP of WCW, he’s here to address the whole Macho Man/Ric Flair situation at Slamboree but before he can say anything, Savage comes out looking...I would say enraged, but Savage rarely looks in any other way apart from strung out. Garner says that the committee are very concerned with Macho Man’s recent actions, and says that if his behaviour doesn’t improve, his situation with WCW could have severe ramifications. Savage responds by saying that he’ll be the tag team partner from hell and he’ll be really creative about what he wants to do and when he wants to do it...whatever the hell that means. Garner says that if Randy can’t control his behaviour, then maybe he should seek professional help. Randy then morphs into a 4th grader by saying that Garner needs to seek professional help for standing there and looking like a stupid person, before storming off.

Meng Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Why the hell do we need this match? Well here goes my recap. They exchange blows...and Duggan tries to headbutt Meng, but considering he’s Samoan, he fails and Meng instead gets the advantage with a Nerve Pinch (or a sensual massage...whichever). Duggan eventually fights back and goes for the 3 Point Stance Charge but misses. He then grabs the 2x4 but the referee restrains him allowing Meng to hit a Standing Side Kick for a close count. Duggan rolls out of the ring, tapes up his fist and as Meng goes to get him back inside, he nails him with a right hand and gets the 3 count...to my surprise the fans were actually sorta into this.

WINNER: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

After the match, Duggan continuously waves his taped hand in front of the referee and even gives him a thumbs up  without the douchebag realizing anything.

“Mean” Gene and the skanks are back on the ramp to announce more matches for Slamboree. Alex Wright & Disco Inferno (who would actually later on tag as The Dancing Fools and later on again as The Boogie Knights) will face “Earl” Robert Eaton & “Dirty” Dick Slater...apathy for the win! 4 names remain to get drawn, but before that “Mean” Gene hits on the two girls who seem oddly open to it...creepy stuff indeed...Okerlund gets one of the girls to shuffle the cards a little more, and then the other girl to cut the “deck” (which consists of 4 freaking cards) and then has the audacity to say that “you can’t rush things when you’re having fun on Nitro”, oh NOW I know why they cut the Eddie Vs Benoit match so short. Steven Regal & The Belfast Bruiser are drawn together (sort of like Flair and Savage, only with much less crowd interest) and they will face VK Wallstreet & “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan...I certainly hope the other matches draw are substantially more interesting than this one, otherwise Slamboree will be a LONG ass night for me.

Ric Flair (c) & The Giant w/Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Sting (c) & Lex Luger (c)(c), WCW World Heavyweight Title, World Television Title & World Tag Team Title Match

Flair once again encounters Debra McMichael at ringside, and this time even goes as far as to kiss her hand after which Mongo warns Flair not to push him as much as he pushed Savage. Speaking of which, Macho Man sprints out and almost gets his hands on Flair only to get restrained by several police officers who handcuffs him. While they do that, Flair manages to get a few stomps in, which of course raises the question of whether that wouldn’t be assault, but I digress.

Sting starts out with squaring off against The Giant as he tries to knock the big man off his feet and while he fails to do so, him and Luger does manage to Double Clothesline him over the top rope (which is legal since it’s not a throw?...I dunno, that rule is ridiculous). Flair enters the ring but he gets sent to the outside immediately as well. Bischoff mentions a little more about Slamboree as he talks about both The Road Warriors being on opposite teams facing each other as well as The Steiner Brothers being in the same situation...wow, for a draw that is completely random, they sure have managed to have a lot of tag partners facing each other and a lot of rivals teaming together...if I didn’t know better, I would say that the entire thing was rigged...but I saw the very scientific drawing method earlier, so I know that can’t be. We also learn that Sting will face The Giant in a grudge match at Slamboree, due to that whole murky, “what the fuck just happened?” situation a few weeks back.

Flair gets beaten up first by Luger and then by Sting until Sting misses a Stinger Splash on the outside and collides with the guard railing. Flair eventually gets him back in the ring and hits him with a Stalling Vertical Suplex, but that only seems to revive the Stinger who tags Luger in to continue the Flair beating. Luger hits a Powerslam and then signals for the Torture Rack, but The Giant steps in and prepares him for a Chokeslam. Sting however jumps from the turnbuckle and clips the Giant’s knees, but The Giant holds on to Luger and even though Sting does it again, it takes a lot of punches before The Giant finally lets go and falls to the mat. Flair gets on his knees and begs off his opponents while crawling into the corner where Woman slips him a cup of coffee. OH NO! NOT THE DREADED COFFEE AGAIN! But Flair’s aim proves to be shit as he instead tosses it into the eyes of his own partner which draws a DQ.

WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger by DQ

Flair hilariously sprints to the back before The Giant regains his composure, but eventually returns with a towel and begins to wipe his face and beg on his knees. The Giant looks set to beat him up but Flair rolls out of the ring again before anything substantial happens as Okerlund gets into the ring to talk to the big man and Jimmy Hart. The Giant yells that he’s not happy cause the coffee burnt like fuck (well, more or less anyway), he claims that he’s coming after Flair and the World Title now because of this. Flair, standing by the announcing booth, says that he tried to apologize but now he’s mad at The Giant for not accepting and he demands an apology by the end of the show or he’ll kick his ass next week. This of course results in The Giant chasing Flair backstage as Bischoff says that a World Title match will be signed for next week between Flair and The Giant which could be sort of entertaining if done correctly.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: See this show started off quite will with a tag match that I thought would be shit, but actually turned out to be rather good, but as soon as that match ended with a crap finish, the show just went to hell...to be fair it was an interesting turn to the Flair/Savage rivalry to have them team up at Slamboree.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The matches were short and felt pointless, the wrestling was decent but since they had no time to develop a decent story in the ring, it felt unsatisfying. Another bad week from WCW, and hopefully they can step it up for next week with the World Title match.

Well that’s it for me. Check out all the other awesome stuff on our site, if we don’t cover it then it probably doesn’t matter. Until next time, I’m Esben Evans and please don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like dance with the devil in the pale moonlight).


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).