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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show…Who refuses to go out for coffee? (PUN!) What was The Booty Man’s brilliant plan? And does it include The Booty Man at all? (apparently not) Get all the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: April 15th, 1996

Location: Charleston, W.VA

Shit explodes as we are live (in 96) with another edition of Nitro, and hold your horses cause we’re gonna go straight into...oh dear lord not again.

Arn Anderson & Kevin Sullivan w/ Woman, Miss Elizabeth & Jimmy Hart Vs Hulk Hogan &...no one?

On the last Nitro, The Booty Man seemed to have a brilliant plan for this week to finally give Arn and Sullivan what they deserve, if only Hogan would tag with him again this week...does the plan really just consist of him staying the fuck away? Not that I’m complaining...at all...but still, way to be a dick to your supposedly best friend. Apparently, The Booty Man got injured on WCW Saturday Night a few weeks ago (ARRRR! Will they stop with the storyline progressing on that show!!? Couldn’t it be more like WWE Superstars instead?). If Hogan wins this match, he’ll get 5 minutes alone with the manager of his choosing, if Arn & The Taskmaster wins, they’ll get 5 minutes alone with Kimberly...which sounds a bit disturbing to say the least.

Hogan starts by fending off his opponents quite well, but the numbers game soon begins to catch up with him as Arn & Sullivan (which sounds like a country music duo) takes control. The Booty Babe, Kimberly, makes her way out to the ring. Now I may not be an expert wrestling mastermind like the Booty Man clearly is...but what the hell is this bulletproof plan of his? How is this...well...a plan at all? It’s ridiculous (WCW – Where good ideas come to die...of cancer). Kimberly’s magic cheering ability results in Hogan hulking up and destroying both opponents, even using a chair (I think the referee was distracted...but considering the all around quality of WCW referees, does it really matter?), but again there’s strength in numbers as Arn, Sullivan and Jimmy Hart (is this a No DQ match?) all gets shots in. Hogan however counters in the build up of a Spike Piledriver and slingshots Arn into Sullivan on the apron. A Back Suplex to Arn, and a Scoop Slam/Leg Drop combo to Sullivan later and the match is over.

WINNER: Hulk Hogan

After the match Hogan forces both Woman and Miss Elizabeth into the ring where Woman hilariously uses Liz as a human shield. Hogan teases hitting them both, but instead turns his attention to Jimmy Hart who has entered the ring to tend to Kevin Sullivan. Hart tries to escape but Hogan catches him and even no sells getting thrown powder into his face (or it missed, hard to tell with Hogan sometimes). Hogan rips Harts shirt off his back and knocks him around for a bit until The Giant comes out and nails Hogan with a Chokeslam. Hulk however no sells it (because he can) and Scoop Slams the big man to the ground before almost doing the same to “Mean” Gene who approaches him from behind (DAMN IT! SO CLOSE!). Hogan says that Hulkamania is back on a roll and asks what we’re gonna do when Hulkamania climbs to the top and the World Heavyweight Title...I dunno...sigh audibly? Cry myself to sleep? Go on a killing spree? All of them seems viable to me. The announcers talk about Randy Savage being here tonight and be escorted in by security. They talk about the Main Event which will be Ric Flair & The Giant Vs Sting & Lex Luger, and that things could go crazy if Flair and Savage gets within range of each other, which according to Mongo is why Pepe is wearing orange camouflage gear...and not because his owner is a sadistic douche...not even.

Public Enemy Vs The Nasty Boys – Street Fight

This match was made after Public Enemy’s attack on the Nasty Boys last week where they were also revealed (and by revealed, I mean speculated, but I suppose it’s the same in WCW) to have been the ones who jumped the Nasty Boys backstage a few weeks prior. The Nasty Boys don’t waste any time on getting this match underway as they attack Public Enemy with a trashcan and a chair during their entrance. They then follow this up by...leaving their opponents alone long enough for them to recover just to return with 2 more trashcans...Jerry Sags & Rocco Rock fight on the outside while Brian Knobbs & Johnny Grunge fight inside the ring for a bit and we get that annoyingly small split screen for a while until The Nasty Boys finally both gets in the ring to double team Grunge for a bit. The announcers talk about Slamboree and the Lord of the Ring tournament, which I suppose is the same as the Lethal Lottery thing where everyone are paired up randomly. Public Enemy have drawn each other which should give them an advantage if they were, you know, relevant to anything. So the way it works is that apparently 16 teams are drawn and they fight in a tournament until there are 8 men left, who will then fight each other in a Battle Royal and the winner will be the Lord of the Ring, get a world title shot in June, and slay a whole bunch of elfs, dwarfs and men...I might’ve made that last part up. Okay, so the two teams beat each other for a while with various weapons and no psychology or story. Basically the worst kind of match to recap, so let’s just jump to the finish shall we? I just have to mention the announcers comparing the crowd to members of a golf crowd, because none of them are seated...and because they presumably bored to death. The finish of this clusterfuck comes when Johnny Grunge misses a Top Rope Leg Drop and crashes through a table, enabling Brian Knobbs to pin him for the win.

WINNERS: The Nasty Boys

After the match, Public Enemy gets a measure of revenge as they team up to put Jerry Sags through a table on the outside, which will probably mean that this isn’t over yet and I’m doomed to watch a few more of these boring ass “brawls”.

“Earl” Robert Eaton w/Jeeves Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Eric Bischoff again mentions how the fans are all on their feet and have been during the entire show. Seriously, didn’t they put in chairs in the arena? Dicks...I know I’m getting a bit redundant mentioning this every damn time I see Savage, but...come on...drop the freaking bandage on the arm.

Randy Savage are on the offence from the get go and almost immediately vaults Eaton over the top rope after the referee gets distracted by Jeeves...worst butler ever. Bischoff proudly talks about Macho Man getting a “huge” opportunity as he’ll be on the Cartoon Network show, “Dial M for Monkey” (which was a part of the awesome “Dexter’s Laboratory”) and on top of that, we have freaking Fred Flintstone in attendance, standing around a 1996 pre-nWo Nitro dressed as Fred Flintstone...someone royally pissed someone important off here, and judging by that picture, he sure as hell knows it. OH! Right, the match. Eaton gains the upper hand due to his dastardly British tactics of raking the eyes. He follows that up by mimicking Ric Flair and locking in the Figure-4 Leg Lock, just to hammer the taunting home (let’s face it, WCW wasn’t exactly known for being subtle...because other promotions totally is/were), he brandishes a 4 Horsemen T-shirt to show Savage.  This causes Savage to reverse the hold, and after dropping Eaton on the ropes and hitting him with a Scoop Slam, he sets him up for a Flying Elbow. Jeeves are having non of that however as he pulls him down, only for Savage to chase him away. Eaton tries to blindside him, but Savage Back Body Drops him on the floor and rolls him back into the ring. A Scoop Slam and a Flying Elbow Drop later, and we have a winner.

WINNER: “Macho Man” Randy Savage

After the match, Savage signals for another Flying Elbow Drop, but the referee tries to restrain him. This however just results in him getting thrown to the mat, after which he signals for the bell...which had already rung? Savage goes up top and despite desperate pleading from Alex Wright, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and...Black guy..., he nails Eaton with another Elbow Drop before the 3 restrain him to the mat, allowing the least intimidating Head of Security...ever....Doug Dillinger to handcuff him. Tonight’s Nitro is brought to us by “The Great White Hype”, a satirical boxing film that I’ve never seen, but which has a pretty stellar cast of Samuel L. Jackson, Jeff Goldblum, Peter Berg, Damon Wayans, Jamie Foxx and...Jon Lovitz?...oh well...

Ric Flair & The Giant w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Sting & Lex Luger - WCW World Tag Team Title Match

Flair once again stops by Debra McMichael and tries to woe her, but she looks unimpressed. So the question remains whether or not Luger continues his face-ish ways.

Sting and Flair starts off, a WCW classic if there ever was one. Sting, after some early showboating from each man, gets the upper hand by hitting Flair with a Gorilla Press Slam and then Dropkick The Giant off the apron. He then throws Flair over the top rope onto The Giant RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REFEREE! Seriously, is that damn “over the top rope” rule in effect or not anymore, I suppose it isn’t, even if it was alluded to still be active just 10 minutes prior to this. Giant humorously rolls Flair back in the ring to Flair’s annoyance where he turns straight into Luger, who the throws Flair over the top rope onto The Giant who as before catches him and rolls him back into the ring. Flair in sheer annoyance exits the ring and chops The Giant, who chases him up the ramp as we go to commercials. As we returns Flair and Giant are seemingly on the same page as they work together to dominate Lex Luger. Mongo throws in an awkward joke about the last time he saw somebody get stomped like that, his name was Rodney King, which results in nothing but silence for about 10 seconds...and I thought we made the tasteless jokes here.

Flair continues to dominate Luger as he applies a Figure-4 Leg Lock, which he gets assisted in holding by holding Woman’s hands under the bottom rope. This irate Sting to the point where he runs over to kick at Woman, but eventually the referee does spot the blatant cheating and...does nothing after they release each other...hmm, bold move Nick Patrick, bold move indeed. He does however initiate the 5 count a few moments later as Flair instead resorts to hold onto the bottom rope instead. Luger begins to fight back, but Flair stops him cold with an elbow counter...he then climbs the top rope...retard...anyway, after having thrown Flair off the turnbuckle, Luger gets the hot tag to Sting. Sting cleans house and eventually manages to lock on the Scorpion Deathlock, but Woman throws a cup of coffee aimed at Luger into his eyes after Luger ducked, to draw a DQ.

WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger by DQ

Luger and Sting are both on the receiving end of a Chokeslam from The Giant. Heenan seems to think that Luger ducked on purpose to hurt Sting, but as he tries to discuss this further he holds up a pair of handcuffs for some reason, and inevitably gets put in them by Bischoff. Madusa will actually get a rematch against Colonel Parker, luckily it’ll happen on WCW Saturday Night...I think that’s a fair trade for all the storyline progression. Take THAT, assholes!

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Where to begin...no, seriously, where? This was a boring ass, bland as hell show. It seemed like we were sorta stuck in limbo and didn’t go anywhere. The matches was just there to fill out the time, they built towards nothing. This removes all the progress I felt they had on the last Nitro.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The Street Fight was a freaking mess, and not of the good kind either. As mentioned above, the show went nowhere, and Hogan burying Arn & Sullivan wasn’t exactly fine and dandy either. Bad Nitro overall.

Well here I am, and there I go. Check out all the nifty stuff on the site, it’s awesome! Until next time, I’m Esben Evans, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like bring a knife to a gun fight, that’s just seriously retarded).


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).