THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS
On tonight’s show…Who gets paid off with a ridiculous cartoonish envelope bribe? Who gets his earlobe beaten mercilessly? (THE HORROR!!) Who booked this week’s matches? (no, seriously, who did? Cause they pretty much all made sense from a storyline perspective). Get all the answers to all these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…
WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!
Date: April 1st, 1996
Location: Cleveland, OH
Wow, we are starting this week off with ACTION IN THE RING! Or at least two grown men standing and pointing at each other as The Giant and Sting for some reason seems to be at odds. The Giant points at Sting and makes a cutthroat movement, only for Sting to spit him in the face. DRAMA! Apparently Jimmy Hart paid off Harlem Heat and The Giant to…err…do something? As Harlem Heat should’ve faced these two tonight…lord knows why Hart would need to buy off his own client, but you know…it’s WCW. Sting looks to have the advantage on his opponent (is this a match?) until The Giant begins to no sell the Stingers punches and slowly get to his feet. Sting uses his speed to dodge The Giant’s offensive until he attempts a Cross Body Block which sort of gives the same result as if he had jumped head first into a wall. The Giant follows it up with a Elbow Drop before he dumps him on the outside where The Giant manhandles him a bit before Press Slamming him back into the ring. He motions for the Chokeslam and throttles Sting from the apron, but as he goes to lift him up, Sting wriggles free and delivers a kick that sends him crashing to the floor. Lex Luger makes his way out and this seems to convince the Giant to walk away. On his way back he shouts something at the camera that sounded a bit like ” GRAWPBRAWWHAAAAH STING BRAGWHAABAAWAA LUGER TOO!!!” which of course is a fair point to make, but still a bit harsh coming from him I would say.
NOW we get the regular intro complete with the 4 to 5 guys that would dominate WCW throughout it’s entire TV run, a wonder they even bothered to change it at any point. We see what happened moments before the opening when Harlem Heat was on their way to the ring and Jimmy Hart ran down with an envelope that said ”CONFIDENTIAL”…you know…just to make the point come across, subtlety never was a WCW strong point. Apparently that made Harlem Heat relinquish their right to challenge for the Tag Team titles, which of course made the whole angle with Booker T helping Sting to get the shot at Uncensored completely void…thanks WCW, another great angle well executed *cough*. On tonight’s show, we’ll get a World Title match between Ric Flair and Lex Luger, a match that actually makes sense considering what happened at Uncensored. We’ll also get a triangle match between The Steiner Brothers, The Road Warriors and…Public Enemy?...spot the odd one out…and finally, Hogan returns (yay! >_>) to team with the Booty Man against Arn Anderson and Kevin Sullivan.
The Steiner Brothers Vs The Road Warriors Vs…The Nasty Boys?
Errm, okay? Bischoff tries to save his apparent blunder by saying that Public Enemy really had wanted to be in this match…which of course doesn’t really save anything, but with the quality of announcers that WCW had, I guess I can look past this one…it’s not like he’s as bad as Steve McMichael anyway. There’s actually a reason behind this match though which seems to be tonight’s theme so far (and a very unlikely one from this company). Some time ago, The Nasty Boys were supposed to face the Road Warriors when they were jumped backstage by unknown assailants, the reasoning behind it would be that either one of the two other teams in this match did it seeing as the Steiners went out and challenged the Road Warriors instead…wow, that made fucking sense! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BELOVED WCW!!!
Brian Knobbs and Rick Steiner kicks off the match but the tags made are too frequent for me to be bothered writing them all. It does seem like the Steiners and the Road Warriors settle to fight each other as they keep the tags between themselves at one point. The two teams are pretty equal until Jerry Sags blind tags himself in and the Nasty Boys begin to double team Scott Steiner. For some reason, Rick Steiner seems to be the only one allowed to enter the ring without tagging himself him as he does this twice without Nick ”I’m fucking Awesome” Patrick does anything about it, my man seems to have an off day, but that can happen to anybody, even the most badass of referees. We get the first bit of info surrounding Slamboree as Heenan mentions something about a Lethal Lottery in which everyone can be teamed with everyone in order to decide…something? The crowd goes absolutely ape shit as all 6 men begin to brawl outside the ring for a minute or so, but Nick Patrick quickly restores order and makes Scott Steiner and Animal the legal men in the ring and the two teams resume fighting exclusively. As the Nasty Boys finally does succeed in blind tagging themselves into the match, Rick Steiner does a THIRD ghost tag in the match but it doesn’t keep him from getting his ass kicked until The Road Warriors for some reason decide to BOTH go after Jerry Sags on the outside leaving the Steiners to double team Knobbs, but this doesn’t result in a pin either. This match is long and clusterfucked, however it’s pretty entertaining as well even though it’s short of actual spots. Jerry Sags for some reason tags out to Animal before the match cascades into men getting dumped over the top rope (IN A LEGAL WAY *cough*) before Public Enemy comes out of nowhere and jumps the Nasty Boys and Johnny Grunge rolls into the ring disguised as Brian Knobbs and allows himself to get pinned. Okay?
WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers
So does this mean it turned out to be Public Enemy who jumped The Nasty Boys? Well, I guess they did face each other at Superbrawl and…errm…maybe they were mad about…something? Who knows! New storyline bonanza so far tonight! Johnny Grunge laughs at Brian Knobbs before stalking off, leaving everyone a little more confused. WELCOME BACK WCW!
Arn Anderson & Kevin Sullivan w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Mega Powers Lite (Hulk Hogan & The Booty Man w/ The Booty Babe)
This match’s main focus point is for once not Hogan…granted, he does get a lot of focus, but the most interesting aspect of the match remains to see if Arn and Sullivan will be able to coexist and win after last week…with Mr. Hogan being in this match, odds are they won’t.
Bobby Heenan, out of nowhere, announces that this is his last night as an announcer and that he’s retiring from wrestling. NOOOOOOOOOO! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE WITH BISCHOFF AND MONGO! DON’T!!!...anyway...Mega Powers Lite start off by dominating, as per usual, and they do so for a while until Sullivan and Arn seems to realise that they’re wrestling FUCKING ED LESLIE, and in turn begins to dominate him pretty good...then in comes Hogan and things begin to go downhill quicker than Sonny Bono at a ski resort. Hogan and Booty Man double teams their opponents for a short while and this enables Booty Man to control the match once again as he nails both Arn and Sullivan with Knee Lifts. Arn tags in and starts to get the upper hand when he suddenly stops and demands Hogan to tag in...Arn...you stupid motherfucker, it’s a damn miracle you won the last 2 times, now you’re just being plain stupid. To be fair, it does start out pretty even, but then Hogan as per usual begins to dominate affairs until he inexplicably tags in Mr. Leslie once again, who after managing to fend off both opponents long enough to hit a Sunset Flip on Arn that is hilariously ignored by the referee, gets his ass handed to him by Arn, Sullivan and even Woman. Sullivan even has the audacity to target his earlobe! (seriously, that’s Bischoff’s story and he’s sticking to it as getting hit on the earlobe can totally knock off your equilibrium...totally...). This ruthless abuse of Booty Man’s earlobe continues until he collides with Taskmaster and manages to tag in Hogan who cleans house. Woman slips a shoe to Taskmaster, but Kimberly slips one to Hogan and he manages to hit Sullivan and get the 3 count.
WINNERS: Mega Powers Lite
Post match, Woman tries to get her hands on Kimberly, but the Booty Man comes to the rescue and gets a kiss for his efforts. The replay of the finish begins to play when Bischoff suddenly yells for the camera to cut back to the ring where Booty Man has been laid out. Apparently he went back to get Kimberly’s shoe when he was jumped. “Mean” Gene gets down to interview the victors. Hogan and Gene make a few puns about the shoe (“they were a shoe in” bodom tchii!), Hogan says that no matter what happens in their matches, Sullivan and Arn always seem to get the last laugh, but Booty Man says that if Hogan wants to tag with him next week again (please say no) then he has something up his sleeve. So yeah...rematch on the next Nitro...hooray...
Ric Flair (c) w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Lex Luger, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match
Luger can of course be a triple champion if he wins this match as he will be adding to his TV Title and his Tag Team Title. Ric Flair stops and looks at Mongo’s wife Debra who’s ringside, but fairly quickly gets down to the ring, INTRIGUE! This match was set up at Uncensored when Luger seemingly turned on Flair in the Doomsday Cage match to give Hogan the win. I would’ve probably booked this match on the next Pay-Per-View, but that’s how things were in WCW.
Luger shows his strength by pushing Flair to the match from a tie up, and then repeatedly Shoulder Blocking him as he tries to charge him. This domination continues for a while with Luger exhibiting his strength with 2 Gorilla Press Slams and...errm...flexing a lot. Flair gains a spell of control as he counters a charge in the corner, but ultimately he pays the price for strutting too much as he, you guessed it, tries to go to the top rope and promptly gets thrown off. Luger absolutely dismantles Flair with Running Forearms to the back and chest of the Nature Boy, but he falls into trouble as he leaves the ring to intimidate Miss Elizabeth and Woman, only to get knocked off the apron and into the guardrail upon trying to re-enter the ring. Flair chokes Luger under the rope and then hits a Chop Block/Figure-4 Leg Lock combo in the middle of the ring. Luger looks to be in trouble and is almost pinned, but a slap in the face from Flair wakes him up and enables him to reverse it. Flair throws him to the outside (THROUGH the ropes, people) and Irish Whips him into the guardrail, but Luger no sells it and hits another Running Forearm...geez...you would think Luger only knew like 5 moves *cough*. Luger gets a 2 count off a Sunset Flip, which the referee enabled by kicking Flair’s arm when he tried to hold on to the ropes (why is that even illegal?) and another 2 as he reverses a Hip Toss attempt into a Backslide. Luger hits a Superplex and a Powerslam and locks in the Torture Rack, only for Woman to throw hot coffee into his eyes after Elizabeth distracts the referee. Flair the simply rolls Luger up and uses the ropes to get a 3 count.
WINNER: Ric Flair
Sting immediately runs out and chases Flair away before tending to his tag partner. Bobby Heenan gets very sombre as we cut to the announcing booth and he shakes the hands of the two others as he says goodbye before saying the obligatory “April fools”...oh Heenan you rascal you...Nitro will apparently return in 2 weeks for some reason. Pre-empted for a dog show maybe?...wait, this isn’t Raw...I DON’T KNOOOOW! (heh, Luger is silly)
WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: The booking was actually pretty sensible tonight...okay granted the opening wasn’t, that was just confusing as hell, but apart from that, good job. Match wise nothing was great, nothing was overtly bad either though.
WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well as mentioned above, the whole Harlem Heat getting paid off thing was pointless, at least for now unless they make an awesome storyline out of it...but come on...it’s WCW.
Overall not a bad show, although the wrestling itself was a bit bland. Until next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like play Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic...except if the other one starts, then count me the fuck in!) and read everything on the site! GO GO GO!!!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).