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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to my return recap. The world can rejoice once again as I give you all the lowdown of something that happened over a decade ago. I have no other reason for the delay to give other than…well…I'm lazy, oh and I was like 7 at the time…and we didn't have wrestling…or internet. Aaaanywho, here are the quick results from last weeks Nitro:

TV Title Match: Johnny B. Badd w. The Diamond Doll (Kimberly) def. Diamond Dallas Page (this was a rematch from World War 3 where DDP lost Kimberly in a match. Would be kinda cool if it was THAT easy to nick someone else's wife in real life)

4 random Japanese girls in a tag match (it may sound sexy, but as far as I remember, it really wasn't. This was part of an angle where Bobby the Brain had some mysterious connection with Sonny O'Ono)

Hulk Hogan def. Hugh Morrus

Sting & Lex Luger def. Arn Anderson & Brian Pillman

And without further ado, let's get this thing rolling.

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: 4th December 1995
Location: Phoenix, Arizona

And we're apparently jumping straight into things here with the very first match of the evening.

American Males Vs Harlem Heat w. Sensational Sherri – WCW World Tag Team Title Match

I don't know if I've ever mentioned just how awesome the American Males theme song is. It's seriously hysterical, from the repeated calls of "American Males! American Males! American Males!" to a guy sounding suspiciously like South Park's Trey Parker singing the following:

"When you see them coming, better run for cover
Girls you don't need weak and lover mmm American Males
If they want to talk to you, you better not listen
You might wind up in critical condition haha American Males"

It's funny. Looking at both of these guys, never in a million years would I think of them as the straight type, life partners maybe, but not straight. Tonight we will apparently get a World Title match between Randy Savage & Lex Luger, and it is one week removed from Savage getting viciously Chokeslammed on the concrete floor. Steve McMichael wonders why WCW are giving away this title match on free TV and not on Pay-Per-View, believe me Mongo this will not be the only time WCW does that. This was of course a milestone in Nitro history, as this was the very first time that Mongo said something that actually made sense.

Scotty Riggs & Stevie Ray start the match for us and Riggs is immediately backed into a corner and getting pummelled, and not the way he would like to get pummelled at all. Scotty Riggs however manages to go between Stevie Ray's legs (!?) from an Irish Whip and deliver a couple of Dropkicks and a cover for 2. Stevie however quickly regains control with a Side Slam before tagging in Booker T who goes for the Harlem Side Kick but misses and thus allows Riggs to hit a Flying Forearm and tag in Bagwell who slingshots himself into Booker T with a Flying Shoulderblock. Tandem offence (!!!?) from the American Males now as they deliver a Double Elbow Smash and an extremely awkward looking Double Back Body Drop. Colonel Parker is out with a mystery gift to continue a riveting, exciting storyline in which he tries to bag Sensational Sherri. Heenan says that he thinks it is a ring, Mongo of course being the retard that he is asks "What!? To Who!?", though in all fairness to Mongo, who knows whether or not The Colonel failed to remember the sage advice from the American Males theme song when he talked to Marcus Bagwell earlier. The gift apparently turns out to be a ring (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!! SHOCK!) for Sherri (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!! BIGGER SHOCK!), which Bischoff seems beyond horrified about. Riggs (who meanwhile had tagged in) hits another Dropkick, and Bischoff begins talking about how great Riggs is at using Dropkicks all the time, I'm not even kidding. Sherri & The Colonel are macking on the outside of the ring to the disgust of pretty much everyone, while Booker T is pretty much destroying Riggs in the ring. T hits a nice Harlem Side Kick for 2 before tagging out to Stevie. Booker spots Sherri leaving ringside with the Colonel (and the ugliest looking veil you'll ever see) and he makes a feeble attempt at shouting at her before thinking "fuck it" and turning his attention back to the match. Bischoff sounds outraged at Sherri as he questions why she abandoned her team when they are in such a close contest…yeah, besides the fact that Riggs have spent most of this match on his back (ZING!...sorry, I'll stop with the gay jokes now) it is hella close. Booker T hits a nice (though extremely slow) spinning kick to Riggs before shouting at some black guy at ringside who the announcers apparently know who are, I think he's a basketball player or something, but who cares. Due to this distraction, Riggs manages to get a couple of roll-ups in for 2 before Booker tags in Stevie Ray again. Bischoff says that Bagwell at this point is ready to chew over the ropes in order to get in the ring…well that would require quite a bit of jaw strength, wonder where he would get that…DAMN IT! I promised, I know. Riggs finally manages to counter and hot tag Bagwell in and Bischoff manages to mention that Bagwell seems to have gained a lot of upper body muscle. Bischoff thinks it was done by hitting the gym. Eric Bischoff: Watching the world through rose coloured glasses since 1995. Bagwell then proves just how useless he is as he gets countered almost immediately and hit with the Harlem Hangover for the 3 count.

Winners and the NEW WCW World Tag Team Champions: Harlem Heat

After the match, that basketball dude actually has to be restrained from jumping Harlem Heat…damn, didn't take a lot to piss him off. After the break we apparently have Sting Vs Kurasawa (who pretty much looks like a bigger version of Tajiri…then again, all Japanese people look alike >_>).

After the break we return with the most useless interviewer ever, sorry all you (three?) Mean Gene fans out there, but he's so nonsensical that even Warrior has to yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU RETARD!!!". He's going to interview Sting and Lex Luger, oh joy. Mean Gene wants to talk a little turkey, which I guess is a language he must've picked up while dancing with the Gobbledy Gooker. Gene mentions (in plain English, I have no idea what he was talking about before…big surprise there) that Sting, Lex Luger & Ric Flair will face each other in a triangle match at Starrcade for a shot at the World Title later that evening. Sting says that he thinks Luger has a good chance of winning the title in the match tonight, but that if he does, he will potentially face Sting at Starrcade for it. Sting says that despite their friendship, he won't be doing any favours to him if they were to face each other. Lex Luger then says…ditto, or at least he should've since it was basically what he meant. Sting's music hits and he starts to leave before remembering "OH SHIT! I have a match tonight" and turning around.

Sting Vs Kurasawa w/o Colonel Parker

Didn't remember that The Colonel was Kurasawa's manager but apparently he is. Of course at the moment he's probably boinking Sherri somewhere…just sit and let that image fester in your mind for a bit. We find out that Ric Flair, The Giant, and Hulk Hogan all are on probation after attacking officials and what not, which I guess means that they are one step away from getting suspended. Sting explodes off the bat with a Dropkick (apparently, he has the best Dropkick in WCW, that's of course only possible because of Bob Holly being in Those Panda Fuckers) and a Clothesline sending our Japanese friend over the top rope. Kurasawa pulls Sting out of the ring and beats him down before sending back inside. Bischoff claims that Kurasawa nailed Sting with a Back Leg Round Kick, which basically means a pretty standard kick to the gut BY A JAPANESE GUY!! Kurasawa hits a couple of Arm Breakers before tying Sting's arm up in the ropes. This is sort of his gimmick after he broke Road Warrior Hawk's arm legit in his debut. The announcers begins to discuss how much pressure it takes to break a guy's arm, the answer apparently being 13 pounds, and a quick mention of Heenan maybe being paid off by Sonny O'Ono. Kurasawa continues to work over the arm before Sting begins to fire back with chops, and a Stinger Splash. He then locks in the Scorpion Death Lock and that's it.

WINNER: Sting

So Kurasawa spend all that time working over the arm just for Sting to completely no sell it. The announcers talk about how good Sting is at the moment, he even almost made Hogan tap, and we all know how often Hogan taps. We get a commercial for Starrcade which will be a battle between New Japan & WCW, it's live on a freaking Wednesday. Who are they? TNA?

Scott Norton Vs The Giant

Scott Norton made his debut by assaulting the announcers. Scott Norton is a former World Arm Wrestling Champion. Scott Norton was in fucking Over The Top with Sylvester Stallone (or at least that's what I read, and I believe pretty much everything I read)…3 reasons right there as to why Scott Norton is my hero.

The two men starts off the match, and the announcers shill next week's Nitro which will include a tag match between the team of Sting & Hulk Hogan against Ric Flair & Arn Anderson. Could potentially be alright if Hogan would keep his involvement to a bare minimum…but it is Hogan so the odds of that actually happening are less than zero. Giant dominates the early goings by standing there waiting for Norton to run into him…it actually works. He then hits a clubbing blow to the back, a knee to the gut and a huge Scoop Slam, and my hero is in big trouble. The Giant then runs out of moves to hit, and he repeats the process until Scott Norton counters and lands a huuuge Stalling Atomic Drop. Norton then proceeds to smash Giant's head into the turnbuckle repeatedly as I sit amazed at anyone besides Hogan getting offence in on The Giant. Of course just as I thought that, Scott Norton goes up top to hit the flailing helplessly through the air until your opponent hits you with a big move. One Chokeslam later and it's over.

WINNER: The Giant

The Giant yells at the camera and I can't help but be a bit surprised that compared to this stage of his career, he actually spoke clear and eloquently when he became the Big Show. I mean seriously, it was like he was possessed by the Great Khali tonight. Up next, the World Title match.

Back from commercials and out comes Charles Barkley…wait, what!? World Title match be damned as Barkley (who I btw only know from Space Jam >_>) comes out with Ric Flair. Mean Gene is in the ring. OOOOOOOHHH LET'S GET READY TO RAAAAMBLLLLE!. Despite this being the home of Barkley's basketball team, he gets major heat by calling Ric Flair "My Man", which just proves how awesome a heel Flair was. The promo is pretty much pointless as Flair barely mentions Starrcade, and the focus pretty much is entirely on Barkley.

Randy Savage Vs Lex Luger w. Jimmy Hart - WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

After a bit of a standoff before Macho Man begins beating Luger all over the ring. He almost gets disqualified when he chokes Lex in the corner but the referee finally manages to pull him off. Savage continues his offence until Luger manages to reverse an Irish Whip and Clothesline him. Macho Man instantly begins favouring his arm (which was injured a looooong time ago) but Luger doesn't get a chance to capitalise as Savage catches him in the gut when he tries to hit a Double Axe Handle from the apron to the floor. Bischoff claims that they will go long if they have to (this is pretty much bullshit since WCW used the whole what happened after the cameras went off angle a LOT), he also claims that the C in WCW stands for commitment…hmm, World Commitment Wrestling? Sure, why not. Savage shows Luger how the Double Axe Handle is done, this time from the top rope to the ring, and he gets a 2 count. The match pretty much goes back and forth until Luger makes the most stupid looking move ever as he sort of flops into the air and lands on his back. Luger now begins favouring his arm and Savage immediately begins to work it over. We go to a commercial break with one the most hilarious lines tonight as Bischoff says that we will back to the action in no time, and Mongo, being the retard that he is, dully proclaims "what action?". Remind me not to have him shill any of my products…ever!

Back from the break and Savage is still working over Luger's arm. Damn this match has pretty much deteriorated into a match of restholds…and I'm talking Randy Orton'esque proportions. Bischoff says that if Luger wins tonight, Randy Savage will take his place in the triangle match, but whatever happens, Sting WILL face Luger at Starrcade. This is of course bullshit seeing that if Luger wins tonight and either Flair or Savage wins the triangle match, Luger won't face Sting…but hey, I Eric's the booker, I guess he could always make it so. Excuse me for beginning to rant, but seriously, it's not like a whole lot else is happening. Luger finally finds a way back into the match as he dodges yet another Double Axe Handle attempt from the apron, sending Savage crashing into the ring barrier. Back in the ring, and Luger blinds Savage with an Eye Rake causing Macho to take a swing at the referee. Luger proceeds to bash Macho's face into the turnbuckle repeatedly before sending him down with a Clothesline for 2. Luger continues his offence but he can't pin properly because of his bad arm. Both men collide head first in the centre of the ring and Savage gets up first but fails to regain control. Luger sends Savage to the outside and while the referee's attention is drawn in that direction, Jimmy Hart removes the padding from one of the turnbuckles. Back in the ring, Luger tries to use the unprotected turnbuckle to his advantage, but Savage manages to shove him head first into it, causing him to stumble backwards into the referee and push him out of the ring. Randy hits the Big Elbow fro the top, but obviously no one is there to make the cover. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Ric Flair comes out and nails him with a pair of brass knuckles and Hart places Luger on top of the fallen Macho Man. As Flair backs up the ramp after the deed is done, Hulk "biggest party pooper in the world" Hogan comes out and chases the Nature Boy back to the ring. Hogan threatens to punch Flair, but the referee re-enters the ring to make the count, and Hogan decides to push the official away instead causing the DQ.

WINNER: Lex Luger by DQ

After the match, Hogan threatens to hit Luger, but just as he throws the punch, Sting gets in the way and receives the right hand instead. Sting is then like "AW NAW! YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!", and Hogan is all like "DUDE! BROTHER! SORRY! DUDE!" until Sting pushes him, then he's all like "OH IT'S ON NOW BROTHER!". Randy Savage gets in between them and we go to commercials.

After the break, all 3 seem like one happy family celebrating Macho Man's title defence as Mean Gene is ready to interview them. Mean Gene asks Hogan about his probation which is worsened by him laying his hands on another referee. Hogan replies with what seems to be an endless barrage of "DUDE! MAN! & BROTHER!" but what he tries to say is that he's not worried about the probation at all but he instead questions Sting about what the deal with Luger is and which side he is on. Sting hesitates a bit before answering. He says he is on Hogan's side but Luger is his BFF. Sting asks why Hogan has to try and attack Luger every week. Of course the obvious reason would be that Luger stabbed Hogan in the back and all that, but hey I digress. Sting says that maybe Savage & Hogan never gave Luger a real chance. Randy then begins to ask what Sting's point is TWICE…what the hell is up with that guy's hearing, he just freaking said it. Sting and Hogan seems to be on the same page before next week's tag match, but Hogan wants Sting to keep Luger the hell away from him and Sting promises to do his best. We return to the three amigos announcing and I just notice the weirdest thing on the table. It's apparently a bag of chips with a mechanical weasel in it…good job in completely weirding me out guys. Fade to black.

WCW - Aaah, good times: Well to be honest it was a pretty bad show overall. I guess the opening match was decent.

WCW – OH MY GOD WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!!!: As I said nothing was good, nothing was overly bad either however. The main event was a bit boring, and the Flair promo was absolutely useless.

Well until next time (who knows when, probably somewhere next week), I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).