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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight’s show…Who has come out with a BRAND NEW (in 1996) CD? Who have finally earned US and Tag Team title shots tonight? (and by earned, I mean who have been drawn out of a hat) and why are the American Males so retarded? Get all the answers to these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: March 25th, 1996

Location: Huntsville, AL

Well, after an abysmal Uncensored, I can only hope that the build towards Slamboree leads to something good…of course since this is WCW, I can pretty much guarantee the opposite, but I like to keep a positive mind…otherwise I would go insane from the ludicrousness that is this promotion. A grand total of THREE title matches tonight, apparently since we’re back on free TV they figured we might as well get something for our hard earned cash spent on this show…oh, wait, THAT WAS LAST NIGHT! Ric Flair will defend his World Title against The Giant, and I’m actually happy about that since the alternative would’ve been him defending against Loch Ness, who I’m very close to branding the worst wrestler EVER. Sting & Lex Luger will defend their Tag Titles against…The American Males!? Wait, so what the hell was that all about Harlem Heat getting a title shot for helping out Sting? And Konan will defend his US Title against Mr. JL…wait, that guy’s still around!? It’s good to see deserving people get title shots around here.

The Belfast Bruiser Vs Randy Savage

Finlay apparently put Regal in the hospital with a European Uppercut last night, which seems legit enough considering Regal’s bloodied nose and all. Bischoff talks about how hard a time Hogan had last night and how much he overcame the odds by beating all these men…despite Luger turning on Flair resulted in Savage getting the pin…BUT HOGAN DID THE WORK DAMMIT! He then follows it up by talking a bit about the card and saying that WCW are committed to bring in the best and the youngest wrestlers around…which one could question the validity of considering that the main event scene pretty much remained unchanged during the entire span of Nitro’s run…but hey, he never said WCW were committed to actually give them a push.

Test of strength and a little give and take between the two wrestlers to start off this match until Savage gains control and sends the Bruiser out with a knee to the back. Prior to that the announcers went crazy over Finlay nailing Savage TWICE with European Uppercuts, THE HUMANITY! Apparently since it sent Regal to the hospital, the European Uppercut is the most dangerous move in the world...nah, just kidding, considering how patriotic wrestling is, they would never claim the most dangerous move in the world to be anything but 100% American. USA! USA! USA! The Bruiser takes control on the outside by smashing Savage into the ring post and the guard rail. He continues this strategy until they re-enter the ring and he gets a 2 count off a Short Arm Clothesline. Savage begins to fight back and side steps the charging Irishman which results in him crashing into the ring post shoulder first. Savage doesn’t waste time and immediately hits the Flying Elbow Drop for the 3…so much for the apparently undefeated Belfast Bruiser.

WINNER: Randy Savage

I don’t know why they didn’t try and build Finlay up to be an actual contender instead of jobbing him out after hardly being hit with anything other than the Elbow Drop…silly.

“Mean” Gene Okerlund is standing ready to interview Ric Flair, who comes out with both Woman and Elizabeth. Flair says that tonight he will slay a real life, walking, talking, FIRE BREATHING giant…wow, this main event just got a little more exciting. Gene asks him what his thought are on Luger knocking him out at Uncensored. Flair says that he had flown so high over the last couple of months that he had forgot to notice Luger wanting the World Title. Gene however, doesn’t hear a word of this because he keeps on staring at Woman’s breasts to the point where Flair tells him to stop. Bang up job, Okerlund. Flair says that Luger’s punishment for his actions last night is that he doesn’t get to ride with Flair anymore…that’s it? His punishment is to get bumped from business class?...wow, he takes it nicely.

Konan Vs Mr. J.L. – WCW United States Heavyweight Title Match

FINALLY! Mr. J.L. has been cheated for months, but FINALLY he gets that elusive title shot. All those high profile wins have finally gotten him somewhere. JL actually defeated Dean Malenko in the Cruiserweight Title Tournament in the pre-show last night…the only reaction that comes to my mind being…why?

JL takes control of the early proceedings with a Head Scissors Takeover that sends Konan to the outside brooding. Konan gets back in the ring and, after both men rolling around on the mat without gaining control, he manages to plant JL with a DDT. Bischoff talks about Randy Savage apparently going ballistic backstage and having to be restrained from going after Ric Flair…of course, they didn’t bother showing anything back then, but I’ve heard it was awesome >_>. Back in the ring, all hell breaks loose in an Armdrag bonanza before JL hits a Spinning Back Elbow leaving both men down. They eventually get back up and JL hits a Missile Dropkick and attempts the pin, but Konan grabs the bottom rope, gets back up and almost gets the 3 from a Gutwrench Powerbomb. We learn that next week, it will be Hogan & Booty Man against Kevin Sullivan & Arn Anderson, and Steve McMichael believes it’s an outrage that Hogan hasn’t gotten a title match already because he deserves it…I HATE that guy! JL hits a devastating DDT from the top rope but he only got a 2 count, and it ends up with Konan instead catching JL on the top rope and almost Alabama Slamming him for the 3 count.

WINNER: Konan

And we’re straight onto the next match

Disco Inferno Vs The Booty Man

YES! Disco Inferno has a new CD out, only 49.95 (BARGAIN!). Disco actually tried to create some interest in this match by yelling that he was the only one allowed to shake booty or something…so this of course is now a blood feud.

BM manhandles Disco Inferno and hits a High Knee for the win…no, seriously, it’s over in like 2 minutes and the only one getting a shot at Booty Man is Kimberly who spanks his ass.

WINNER: The Booty Man

…well, that was pointless, almost as pointless as this random trivia fact, Tony Schiavone’s real first name is Noah according to Bischoff…I know you probably don’t care, but there you go…you’re welcome.

Sting & Lex Luger Vs The American Males, WCW World Tag Team Title Match

Fuck Harlem Heat. Fuck the Road Warriors. Fuck the Steiner Brothers. American Males, now THEY deserve a shot at the Tag Titles. Luger does his best to signal that he’s up to no good by joyously high fiving the fans every time Sting looks and scowling sinisterly every time Sting looks away. SUSPENSE! They story of this match (because, apparently there’s a story) is that Sting helped bring Bagwell into the business (THANKS A LOT STING!) so he’s all buddy buddy with the American Males, but Luger is shady…and stuff! You know…because he actually wants to beat these guys! HOW DARE HE!...this angle is solid gold…or something…

Scotty Riggs starts off by doing what he does best (wait…does he do anything else?) nailing Luger with a few Dropkicks. Luger is having non of that and starts to use his power to dominate him, until he nails Bagwell on the apron who retaliates by pulling him to the outside where they are separated by their respective partners for some reason. HEY! Don’t beat up your opponent man! What the hell are you thinking! Back in the ring, Bagwell tags in and apparently intimidates Luger to the point where he tags out himself, who knew Luger had something against gay people…oh, sorry, they’re ladies men, I forgot. Sting and Bagwell has an exchange of running and dodging and running and dodging until Sting hits that almighty Scoop Slam which prompts Bagwell to say enough and tag back out to Riggs. Sting follows his lead and tags out to Luger who ends up getting double teamed by the Males (horrific thought, I know) and Bagwell, who tags in again, almost gets a 3 count off a Splash. Bagwell misses a Cross Body Block from the top rope and Luger goes absolute apeshit b as he begins to pepper him with kicks, stomps and punches. Heenan at this point also foresees which of the two American Males that actually has a future as a singles wrestler when he claims that “Luger is more incensed when he’s in there with Bagwell instead of…Bagwell’s partner”. Bagwell hits a desperation Flying Forearm and both men tag out. Riggs does get a 2 count off an Inside Cradle, but is quickly hit with a Cross Body Block which surprisingly gets the 3 count despite Bagwell just looking on right next to him.

WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger

…so…Bagwell didn’t break up the count and in turn lost the titles because he was “fair”…wow, what a douche! Luger celebrates outside the ring with the belts, while Sting lifts the arms of both opponents inside the ring…what the hell is this bullshit! Sportsmanship my ass, that’s just retarded…

Ric Flair w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs The Giant w/ Jimmy Hart, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Rule number one in how to successfully run a business: Do NOT throw money away  *ahem*. As Flair makes his way down to the ring, the careless money throwing of *cough* “Randy Savage’s money” to the crowd. Macho Man does appear on the ramp but is immediately restrained by a few jobbers and the least scariest looking head of security in the history of security, Doug Dillinger. Woman takes advantage of the restraint by slapping Savage across the face, sadly not in a very good angle, so I can’t do the “Slo-Mo GIF happy slapping replay of the day” (how’s THAT for a segment title!). Savage gets pulled backstage and we’re back to focussing on the match in hand.

Flair starts off by not appearing very intimidated, and he still looks calm despite getting pushed down easily within the opening few seconds. This calm demeanour of his doesn’t last too long though as the Giant keeps on manhandling him culminating in a Gorilla Press Slam. Flair tries to escape but is literally carried back to the ring by his much bigger opponent. Back in the ring, Flair tries to mount a comeback put Giant pulls a Hogan on him and completely ignores the punches and chops that Flair throws at him, instead he keeps control with a huge Vertical Suplex and a Backbreaker. Of course with the next logical step in his game plan being to hit Flair with a Chokeslam and win the title, he instead opts to go to the Top Rope and crash and burn with a big Splash attempt…well, I never did claim he was a clever bastard. The Giant does remain fairly composed though…you know, until he misses a big Corner Splash and falls over the top rope instead. Flair sees his opportunity to choke him with a piece of piano wire he got from Woman while Elizabeth distracts the referee. The Giant refuses to stay down though until Flair punts him in the groin...THAT sends him to the mat. Woman uses another distraction to choke the Giant herself with that piece of wire and everything seems fine and dandy for Flair…but then of course he decides to climb the top rope and, in doing that, rejuvenating the Giant completely. Giant throws him off the top rope and hits the Chokeslam immediately afterwards. Elizabeth and Woman distract both the Giant and the referee thus allowing Arn Anderson to run in and hit the Giant with a chair. But before the Giant can turn around, Kevin Sullivan arrives to snatch the chair away, just in time for the Giant to spot him and causing him to believe Sullivan hit him. The Giant chokeslams both Sullivan and Anderson before leaving the ring and Jimmy Hart who jumps up and down like a maniac for some reason.

WINNER: No contest

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: I guess it was nice to see some development in the Main Event scene. The whole thing with The Giant & The Horsemen will obviously cause friction between The Horsemen and The Dungeon of Doom…or it will be forgotten next week, nothing surprises me when it comes to WCW…where did Pillman go again?...oh, and no Hogan was awesome…

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: It was a boring show…too many matches and all but one of them had zero suspense in who would win. The Botty Man squash was a waste of time, the way the Belfast Bruiser was jobbed was a waste as well…and the American Males are ridiculous…really…

Next week, Hogan returns….fuck…well, until next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do (like do a belly flop in a tub of acid) and read every other column on the site…NOW!


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).