THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS
On tonight’s show…is Madusa Vs Colonel Parker the worst match ever? Or The Giant Vs Loch Ness? Or The Doomsday Cage? (wow, talk about a crap card) and what has Batman got to do with the Main Event? Get all the answers to these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week’s SPECIAL PAY-PER-VIEW episode of…
WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!
Date: March 24th, 1996
Location: Tupelo, MS
ANGUS! Coming soon to a video retailer near YOU! (Well this was in 96, so I’m pretty sure it has already hit the shelves, then had its price dropped to a dollar a week later, and then completely forgotten until now). It’s got James Van Der Beek in it, and if the fucking main character from Dawson’s Creek can’t make you buy it, who the hell can!?...*ahem* HI! I’m Esben Evans and I’ll be your host tonight for Uncensored 1996! A show which contains HOGAN! Just take a look at the above Pay-Per-View poster, and it probably also features some other guys…but seriously, who cares about anyone other than Hulk Hogan? ANYWHO! We open the show with a video containing blurry figures of Hogan’s opponents saying stuff and mentioning the word “doomsday” a lot…well everyone except for Zeus who simply went “RRRROOOOOAAARRR!”. Lex Luger is apparently also in the match for some reason, as if I needed another reason to dread this show. Looks like they’ve moved an entire construction site in for the main event, you know, just in case you didn’t think the entire thing was overkill in the first place. Tonight’s commentary is brought by our usual Pay-Per-View team in Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes and Bobby Heenan, who tonight is wearing leather because…and I quote…”I’m wearing leather because I wanna be able to wash stuff off”, I can only speculate that he’s hitting the town with Okerlund afterwards. YES! With that slightly disturbing visual, we are going to kick off the evening with what could end up being the only decent match of the night…yaaaaaay.
Konan © Vs Eddie Guerrero, WCW United States Heavyweight Title Match
Yeah, apparently Konnan was spelled with one ‘n’ back then. By the way, someone really ought to tell him that wearing a rag on your head does NOT give you more street-cred when the rest of you clothes look like it was stolen from a Mexican rodeo clown. This is the only title match of the evening, because lord knows that title matches are what you have free TV for!
Konan starts the match by taking down Eddie with an Armbar, because nothing riles the crowd more up than applying a rest hold 30 seconds into a match. Speaking of which, the crowd is DEAD for this match, they barely flinch as Eddie hits a Top Rope Armdrag or when he decides to go on the offence with a headstand (no, seriously). Not only is this match horribly boring, but if a non-wrestling fan were to watch this, he would probably think this was one of the gayest things he’d ever see…that or he would think you were watching UFC, because they really don’t do anything else but roll around trying to…ermm…humble the other one. Things began to go (mildly) interesting after they slap each other in the face following a nice little exchange of armdrags and leg sweeps, and they actually manage to make the crowd interested as they direct the crowd to both “Eddie” and “Konan” chants. Eddie almost gets the win after a Dropkick/Top Rope Hurricanrana combo and…then he goes straight back to the submission holds with a Camel Clutch. Konan eventually powers out and we get another exchange of flippity-floppy offence before going, you guessed it, back to rest holds. Things finally heats up after Eddie impressively lands on his feet after going high from a Monkey Flip (instead of the usual drugs and alcohol) and hits a Spinning Head Scissors and a Double Axehandle from the top rope to the outside. He hits his trademark Slingshot Senton, as Tony hilariously claims that the pace of the match is starting to wear them down. Konan hits a German Suplex but as he goes for a second one, Eddie rolls him up and almost gets the three. An exchange of pinfalls follow suit before Konan gains the upper hand by unceremoniously dumping Eddie from the top rope to the floor. Not for long though as Eddie catches Konan back in the ring on the turnbuckle and hits a Superplex and almost gets the win. Eddie goes for a Hurricanrana but Konan drops onto his back and headbutts him in the groin for the 3 count...owned.
WINNER and STILL US Heavyweight Champion: Konnan
Konan tries to apologize to Eddie after the match but despite it looking unintentional, Eddie refuses to accept. Are we watching the seeds getting planted for a heel turn? Does anyone even care? This match was way too slow, but compared to “The Giant Vs Loch Ness” later on, it was like watching Rey Mysterio on speed…which is kinda depressing when you think about it.
We go to the locker room with our first interview of the night by a returning “Mean” Gene (fuck) as he stands by the man who will try to defy the odds and pick up the single biggest win of his career, I’m of course talking about Colonel Parker. He’s accompanied by Dick Slater, who I’m sure has wrestled somewhere, maybe on WCW Saturday Night where 75 % of all storylines seem to happen. Apparently they weren’t talking a few weeks back because of Parker having something to do with injuring Bunkhouse Buck, and just for the record, I am indeed just as lost as you right now. Parker says he’s fighting tonight for Dick Slater, “Mean” Gene, his great uncle, Elvis, “Mean” Gene again and every single man in Mississippi. Parker talk about grinding Madusa’s face in it and Slater says that his friend is gonna whip her tonight, so I guess the name Uncensored wasn’t half bad for tonight’s show.
Lord Steven Regal w/ Jeeves Vs The Belfast Bruiser
Finlay, in his entire mullet glory, bitch slaps Jeeves on his way to the ring (RE-RE-RE-REEEEPLAAAAAY), as if it wasn’t enough that the poor man has to carry around a pillow for no apparent reason...well to be fair he might’ve slept a bit during the opening match, I won’t judge him. The funniest thing about the slap his that there’s barely no reaction on Jeeves’ face before he waddles backstage where he’ll undoubtedly cry in a corner while listening to Tori Amos. Don’t cry, you’re rich now because of you website (www.askjeeves.com).
We’re reminded by David Penzer (the poor man’s Howard Finkel) that this is indeed a special grudge match. I can’t say why this is a special grudge match, but my best guess is that it has something to do with WCW Saturday Night. I really should recap that show instead, everything would make much more sense…wait, who am I kidding? This is WCW, nothing makes sense here, it’s not for nothing (thanks Tazz) that TNA seems to have modelled their entire promotion around this sunken ship…yeah, that’s because TNA are run by monkeys apparently. They may be able to type up Shakespeare by random, but definitely not the complexity that is a wrestling show.
OH! Yeah, we have a match. Finlay shows that he means business by, errm, whacking Regal with his jacket as both men starts to exchange hard shots. Tony claims that this won’t be anything like the, and I quote, “fast pace of the match between Konan and Eddie”. I for one hope he is right and, luckily, this match doesn’t disappoint. Regal stretches Finlay only for the Irishman to deliver a hard knee to the skull of his opponent. Belfast Bruiser follows up by dropping Regal on the guard rail before working over his arm/shoulder area. Regal does reverse an Irish Whip (irony?) into the corner where Finlay manages to make a Flair-esque turn around right into a dropkick, but the Bruiser quickly regains control and continues to work over the arm. Konan is visiting the Spanish announcers (who are much closer to the ring than previously, careful now boys!) and Dusty thinks that they might be able to find out if it was an intentional low blow because they speak “español”…you know, because Konan totally wouldn’t understand the question if asked in English “qué?”. Regal delivers a few hard mounted punches before doing an excellent bit of cheating by placing his shin across Finlay’s throat while arguing with the ref, but as the referee makes him get up, Finlay brings him down and hammers his head into the apron. Heenan makes a reference to the England/Ireland conflict at the time and states this as a reason for these two to hate each other…Tony subsequently calls him stupid since they are not even living in the same country, and Dusty thinks that Ireland is 5 miles from London thus proving that most Americans are indeed ignorant bastards, but my annoyance is quickly changed to glee as Regal punts Finlay in the groin when the referee isn’t looking…nothing like a good kick in the groin to make the world right again. We finally find out why these two are even fighting as the Belfast Bruiser jumped Regal from the crowd on his debut…which of course was on WCW Saturday Night. I’m apparently not the only one who doesn’t watch that show as every single member of the crowd seems not to care about this match although Tony seems to think that it’s because all the action stunned them. Regal gets busted open after a big left hand but ultimately gets the last laugh as Dave Taylor and Robert Eaton comes out to attack the Irishman.
WINNER: The Belfast Bruiser by DQ
Regal slaps the Bruiser after the match (sorry, no slo-mo gif replay since we didn’t get a good angle) which results in Finlay chasing after them to the backstage area.
We go back to the locker room where Okerlund is standing by to interview Jimmy Hart & The Giant. We learn that the winner of the match between The Giant and Loch Ness will get a shot at Ric Flair’s World Title on Nitro…*sigh*…we also learn that The Giant is planning on smoking Loch Ness like bacon on a grill, which I guess would justify the amount of weight he put on a few years later.
Colonel Rob Parker Vs Madusa
…yeeaahh, I doubt this’ll drag the overall show rating up. Madusa left WWF as a champion, to fight against fucking Colonel Rob Parker, which just shows what money can do. I guess you can make more money going “Girl on Guy” instead of “Girl on Girl”…go figure.
Parker comes out in his suit, it’s not very pimp-tastic, but I guess it is good enough for a pimp slap or two. He opens up the match quite well actually as he not only locks up with Madusa, but backs her into a corner. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!...right…anyway, this match is of course lame as hell, and basically consists of Madusa “awing everybody” by Scoop Slamming Parker, and the announcers laughing their asses off…probably because they’re high as fuck. The match is mercifully short and ends with Madusa hitting a Bridging German Suplex only for Dick Slater (who came to ringside fairly quickly) to yank her leg, which causes Parker to land on top of her for the 3 count.
WINNER: Colonel Rob Parker
Wow, I suck in my predictions. Seriously though, this is shaping up to be a truly horrible experience. I sorta feel like that guy who got trapped by a rock and had to saw his arm off with a pocket knife…although of course I can turn it off and escape without a mark at any time I want…but other than that, the experiences are exactly the same…but not at all really…ANYWHO! We go backstage to Lee Marshall and his porn moustache. He’s standing by with the Road Warriors and Animal hilariously interrupts Hawk just as he’s about to start the interview, leaving him to just stand there awkwardly, looking sour. Animal says that tonight, Sting & Booker T, will find out why LOD are being called the Chicago Big Bullies…which they apparently are…Hawk then talks about removing their brain stems (!?) which sounds pretty extreme and actually raises my interest regarding this match a couple of notches. Booker T has apparently aligned himself with Sting in order to get a tag title match in return…which actually sorta makes sense I guess.
Diamond Dallas Page Vs The Booty Man – I Quit Match
DDP definitely traded up in regards to which song his theme was ripped off from…I mean going from fucking Gary Glitter to Nirvana is pretty good. The stipulations to this match is that if DDP wins he’ll get back his money and Kimberly, you know, just like the last 10 billion matches he had against Johnny B. Badd, and if he loses he will be gone forever from wrestling. DDP is portrayed as a man down on his luck and WCW, which of course wasn’t always known for their superb use of subtlety, has decided to show that by giving DDP a makeover…ladies and gentlemen (and I use those terms in the loosest sense possible), I give to you…HOBO PAGE!
DDP uses the first couple of minutes outside of the ring…without getting counted out, but what the hell, it’s not like WCW used the finest referees in the business. The people are pretty behind good ol’ Ed Leslie, which is sorta odd since I can’t really imagine wrestling fans getting behind (HIYO!) a guy named The Booty Man…then again, it worked for Mr. Ass. I however choose to testament it to how awesome DDP is at working the crowd. The match itself starts out slowly with Booty Man dominating most of the proceedings with Shoulderblocks...and…errm, stuff! Schiavone mentions how lucky Hogan & Savage is to have BM as a friend, and yeah, there really is no better friend than a crackhead, leeching onto you because you’re infinitely more popular than himself. DDP gets knocked to the outside, and when he gets back up on the apron he threatens Nick Patrick for some reason, Patrick proceeds to push DDP down to the floor…what the fuck is up with these WCW referees!? Anyway, this prompts the rather fair reaction of DDP getting the fuck out of there only for Booty Man to bring his ass back to the ring. DDP does get 3 seconds of offence before getting his head smashed repeatedly into the turnbuckle pads, which then sends him on a drunken hobo walk, spilling through the middle ropes, into the turnbuckle and over the railing. Kimberly comes out in a ballerina outfit in the colours of the Booty Man, and yeah, she does look hot in a 90s sorta way. DDP starts to gain some momentum, sadly not to a more entertaining effect, but it does prompt Tony to admit that he’s a solid wrestler, or in his own words “you don’t become a WCW World Television champion for nothing, or as he (DDP) likes to call it, World…”…and then he sorta trails off. COME ON SCHIAVONE! At least try to save it with a really bad joke, like World Poopy Champion or something…god! Kimberly loudly proclaims to the camera that Booty Man is so cute…of course this is meanwhile he’s getting his booty (HIYO!) handed to him.
Finish comes when DDP calls Kimberly up to the apron where he then kisses her. She responds with a slap that sends him directly into a High Knee from the Booty Man for the 3 count.
WINNER: The Booty Man
After the match, Kimberly gets her dream guy apparently as Booty Man kisses her, leaving Nick Patrick to hold back an irate Diamond Dallas Page.
Backstage we’re standing LIVE!! (at some point) with “Mean” Gene Okerlund who is interviewing Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger, leaving me to wonder if they’ll make sense this time. Luger plays air guitar on his abs (no, seriously) before Hart says that this is the last night he’ll walk down the aisle with Luger. He then hands him one of his custom made Luger jackets, screams “I LOVE YOU MAN!” and runs off…errm…what the hell just happened there? Luger then rambles about the cage match, the tag match he was supposed to be in…and maybe some other things, but they sort of got lost in translation.
The Giant Vs Loch Ness – No. 1 Contender match for the WCW World Heavyweight Title
Well…that’s just freaking excellent…the good news is of course that after this match, every match following it will seem to be wrestled in the pace of Rey Mysterio and Ultimo Dragon in their prime. Luckily it’s kept EXTREMELY short. Loch Ness actually has The Giant down and hits the “Tree-Fiddy” but misses a second one and The Giant wins it with a kick to the head and Leg Drop.
WINNER: The Giant
Lee Marshall is standing by backstage with Booker T and Sting. Booker T says he’s got something to prove to the Road Warriors and then uses his ghetto slang before asking Sting if he understands what he’s saying…Sting of course promptly responds by yelling “NO, OF COURSE NOT, I’M FROM FREAKING VENICE BEACH!”…or he said yes…either or.
Road Warriors Vs Sting & Booker T – Chicago Street Fight
Apparently the rules are that there are no time limits, no disqualifications and falls count anywhere. The match starts as the Road Warriors jump their opponents while they are walking down the aisle. They fight...seriously, it’s hard to really describe what they do better since most of the action is in split-screen and without any high spots at all until Sting leaves and returns with a chair which he uses to first take down Animal near the entrance area and then help Booker beat down Hawk in the ring. Animal however quickly returns to the ring and picks up the chair that Sting carelessly throws aside just a few seconds prior, before blasting both of his opponents with it. The announcers ponder whether or not the bell rung and Tony actually asks “does it matter?”, the answer to that of course being, YES! YES, YOU FUCKING DOUCHE! Anyway, I thought the chair would bring some momentum to this match, but it didn’t, as absolutely zero worthwhile happens. Booker T almost gets a 3 count from Hawk but he gets a foot on the rope…in a street fight…with falls counting everywhere…fuckheads. Another highlight is Booker T trying to spin-a-roonie back to his feet only to get stuck in Animal for hilarious effect…or at least as hilarious as this match seems to get. The crowd seem restless as well after a short while, no chants, barely any screaming or clapping, a record sale of hot dogs...or something…I don’t even have anything funny to say about this…poop? Sting tries an unorthodox approach to winning the match by LEAVING HIS PARTNER ALONE to look for weapons elsewhere, when he returns, he does so with…2 brooms? 2 FUCKING broom!? Are you kidding me!!? You seem like you scavenged the entire arena for weapons and THAT was the best you could come up with!? FUCK YOU! Of course Sting fucks it up by letting Animal steal them away from him and getting his own ass beat because of it. Booker T finally says “fuck it!” and leaves to the disgust of Tony and Dusty, but really…can you blame him? Brooms!?
Backstage, Animal chases after Booker T and tries to hit him, but instead he accidentally hits Lex Luger who was…well…checking himself out in the mirror…well, that feathery mop of his doesn’t get silky smooth on it’s own. This results in Luger and Stevie Ray beating Animal up and taping him to a post with athletic tape…don’t mess with the do, brother. Booker T comes out and distracts the referee after a missed Harlem Hangover long enough for Stevie Ray to blast Hawk with a chair and get the 3 count. Weak ass match and fucking long as well, but actually a nice ending.
WINNERS: Sting & Booker T
The announcers ask us what can follow tonight’s matches for it to get even better. Well, personally, I think a lobotomy, a hostile alien invasion, 20 nuclear bombs, an Uwe Böll movie, all of that would be better…but of course we get the one thing that might make it all worse…The Doomsday Cage AKA the second biggest clusterfuck of a match type in WCW’s history (come on, no one can beat the 60-man Battle Royal in that department). The rules are that the Mega Powers will start at the top and they have to defeat some opponents in each tier of the cage to be allowed down or something…okay…TNA take notes.
Mega Powers (Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage) Vs The Alliance to End Hulkamania…no, seriously…(Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, The Taskmaster, Lex Luger, Meng, The Barbarian, Z-Gangsta & The Ultimate Solution)
Michael Buffer is of course making the Main Event introduction and without making any notable fuck-ups…he did say many people regarded Meng as one of the most dangerous men on the planet though. Of course, the biggest thing about this match is that Hogan has to withstand the awesome force of Dark Knight AND Batman & Robin tonight. Now, most of you are probably asking yourselves “…errm, say what again? Are you on crack? Where can I get some?” but I finally found out who the fat, bald Ultimate Solution is (heeey, they got rid of the slightly offensive other name…and it wasn’t even to something along the line of Jew Killer…way to go WCW!). Well Zeus was of course in Dark Knight, but Solution is non-other than FUCKING BANE! KIIIILLL! YEAH! WOOOOOOO! *ahem*…onto the match.
Hogan & Savage start off against Flair & Arn…yeah, let’s eliminate the World Champion first, shall we? Anyway, seeing as the floor is chain-link fence, there’s really not that much more to it than 4 people punching and kicking each other. Ric Flair slips something down to Kevin Sullivan while Savage and Hogan blinds both Horsemen and Meng & Barbarian with powder which allows the Mega Powers to climb down to the next tier. Jimmy Hart slips a chain to Sullivan, but Hogan takes it and gains momentum for a little while, but soon finds himself double teamed by Sullivan and Luger, while Savage fights off Meng and Barbarian. Hogan and Savage manages to lock themselves in on par of the cage with only Luger and Sullivan as Flair and Arn drops down…wait, weren’t those “eliminated”…confusion to the max! Hogan and Sullivan goes out to the scaffolding and fights their way to the ground…wait…errm…how the fuck do you win this thing!? Hogan is out! Luger and Savage get out as well, and…they all fight to the ring!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Okay, I’m not really gonna get into details because this is retarded as fuck. Z-Gangsta and BAAAANE (who were not in the cage) comes out to the ring and they bring Hogan and Savage back to the cage as a couple of naughty schoolboys. The big men dominate for a while and things look especially bleak as Arn and Flair comes down to join the fight as well. Things look grave, but you can’t hold greatness down…well…at least not greatness with creative control, and Booty Man runs down to hand, Savage and Hogan, a skillet each. After having pretty much destroyed their 4 opponents in the ring, they are caught off guard by Luger, who beats down Hogan and Savage before putting on a loaded glove. He motions to hit Savage, but SWERVE he knocks out Flair instead. Hogan thanks him by punching his ass out. Savage covers for 3 and the two brave heroes celebrate by…errm…getting the fuck out of dodge…
WINNERS: The Mega Powers
Wow…that was bad…3 hours of intense pain with hardly a redeeming moment…fuck…I’m depressed now =(
WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Non whatsoever…well decent end to the tag match, okay match between Regal & Finlay bar the ending…but nothing above decent
WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: How about this entire Pay-Per-View? Not a single through and through GOOD match, horrible booking especially in the Main Event where no one really knew what the match was about and where the cage was hardly used…crap…
Well until next time…whenever that is…I’ll be seeing y’all to a, thankfully, much lower dose of WCW wrestling with Nitro…oh, and I was 3 to 3 on the predictions I made…yay, me?