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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight's show…Which one time WWF wrestler makes his long awaited return to hunt Hogan? And speaking of Hogan, which World War 2 atrocity is coming back to hunt him down as well? And which disease managed to save my day and keep "Mean" Gene away? Get all the answers to these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week's episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: March 18th, 1996

Location: Chattanooga, TN

YES! I am Esben Evans and I'm your host for another FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC episode of the most frustrating, nonsensical and just plain bad wrestling show ever (HA! Take THAT Nicole), WCW Monday Nitro. This week we are only 6 days away from Uncensored 96. Now I would normally be dreading the thought of recapping an event like that, but seeing that I barely know what matches will feature on the show, I feel more like a deer walking through the woods and about to cross a highway where I will undoubtedly get caught in the metaphorical headlights of a semi-truck. I do however have a few very bad feelings about the matches already announced on this show, but I'll look into that at the end of the show where I will give my thoughts on the so far announced card and I can already tell you're excited, so let's get on with tonight's hard sell for the pay-per-view!...and by hard sell, I actually mean that I have no idea if the event will even get mentioned at all.

WOW! We're already off to a great (?) start as Loch Ness and The Giant are brawling in the aisle before the announcers can even say a word. We are apparently robbed of the opening bout of the evening which should've been Loch Ness Vs Lex Luger (DAMN IT!). Luger has the same thought as he comes out and hilariously poses right next to the fight. He enters the ring and demands that the referee starts the match.

Lex Luger Vs Loch Ness, WCW World Television Title Match

…well, the referee counts Loch Ness out. See, this is how a Lex Luger match ought to get booked all the time, virtually non-existent.

WINNER, and STILL WCW World Television Champion (by count-out): Lex Luger

Luger celebrates his win like he just won the World Cup (the football one, not the crappy Starrcade one) as he jumps around the ring with his title. Jimmy Hart gets in the ring and tries to celebrate with him, but Luger sends him away after only a brief hug. What a tease. Luger joins the announcers and, I must admit, Luger is actually pretty good as he talks about this being one of the shortest title defences in WCW history and how he is totally on a roll now. He ends his promo by going for a high five with Mongo, but he ends up settling for Heenan instead. We're told that they have a standby match ready after the commercials between The Steiner Brothers & Public Enemy…what the fuck is up with the Public Enemy only being able to get a spot on Nitro if the original match gets cancelled? I mean that's also how they got their debut.

After the commercials however, I get greeted with the ominous line "HE'S AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN MAAAAAAAADEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and I have to refrain myself from hurling my body out my open window…and land softly in the flower bed placed only a couple of feet beneath it. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man make their way out for an interview with…Tony Schiavone!? Nice! Apparently it will now be both Hogan AND Savage who will fight in the doomsday cage match, along with a Texas Tornado Match tonight in the Main Event…seriously, why does it seem like every strangely stipulated match comes straight out of Texas?...well actually I guess that these days they come straight out of Nashville, but still...ANYWHO! The reason that they're able to tag it at the pay-per-view is apparently because Hogan signed the contract, "The Mega Powers" instead of his own name…wow, I'm so gonna use that strategy the next time I'm gonna sign something that could eventually blow up in my face, my neighbour will never know what hit him when his house is foreclosed instead of mine. Savage rambles about something before Hogan states that what he likes about the match at Uncensored is that there is no titles on the line…excuse me for a minute, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! He says that he is not afraid of anyone that Kevin Sullivan might recruit to his team, and why should he? Hogan not going over at a pay-per-view happens like once every decade.

Public Enemy Vs The Steiner Brothers

Eric tells the viewers to put down their pencils, and hey who am I to argue?

WINNERS:…just kidding

Scott Steiner and Rocco Rock starts the match by exchanging counters before Steiner sends Rocco out on the table that Public Enemy brought to the ring when they came out. Scott gets out on the apron but before he can send Rocco through the table, he manages to roll off and is instead nailed with a Flying Double Axehandle. Back in the ring, both men tags out and, holy FUCK, Rick Steiner was over back then. We get word that Dennis Rodman just got suspended for headbutting someone, apparently he was told that his ass did indeed look big in that dress. Public Enemy gains the advantage after Johnny Grunge hits Rick with a Bulldog on a plastic chair and Rocco Rock takes it to him with a Moonsault and a DDT before Steiner counters a Top Rope Crossbody attempt into a Powerslam for a two count. We learn that Booker T will be Sting's partner against the Road Warriors at Uncensored…"why?" you ask? Well, WCW needed a token black guy of course. I must say that this is another strong tag team match as both teams are using some very innovative offence including a Top Rope T-Bone Suplex from Scott and a Springboard Moonsault Press by Rocco Rock. WCW must know that they have done something right because almost at the exact moment that I thought "This show is shaping up nicely", they reveal that we'll get The Nasty Boys Vs The Road Warriors later on tonight. Rocco Rock once again places Rick Steiner on the table but Scott manages to pull him away just in time leaving Rocco to Plancha himself through the wood instead. This leaves Johnny Grunge all alone and on the receiving end of that Doomsday Bulldog for the 3 count. Good match.

WINNERS: The Steiner Brothers

And without further ado, we go straight to the next match.

Arn Anderson w/ Woman Vs The Booty Man

Well at least they bumped Ed Leslie from that god forsaken Main Event spot, I think they figured that he was starting to hog the Hulkster's spotlight. Apparently BM will face Diamond Dallas Page at Uncensored, and although this show already seems unappealing as hell, the vision of the Booty Man defeating my beloved DDP surely doesn't help. As far as I understand Kimberly is now the Booty Girl (mmm) and has left Johnny B. Badd, who I bet is feeling pretty annoyed at the thought that he GAVE HER 6 MILLION DOLLARS only a month ago…of course, this is NOTHING compared to how annoyed he is today as another homeless guy cuts in front of him in the soup line at the shelter. Oh, by the way, we get confirmation that The Giant will indeed face Loch Ness at Uncensored as well…this is why I don't believe in god.

The crowd is definitely not behind The Booty Man in this one as they boo the crap out of him every time he tries to rally them up. He does take control however as he smashes Arn's head repeatedly into the turnbuckles and then literally kicks his ass as he somehow ends up lying across the opposite turnbuckle. Arn rolls to the outside and takes control by ramming BM into the apron. He works over the Booty Man's arm before going for something from the top rope only to get punched in the gut on his way down. As Kimberly makes her way down to the ring, she is instantly targeted by Woman and as she begins to stalk her, BM tries to get in between only to get nailed by Arn with a Flying Double Axe Handle from the apron. Arn rolls Leslie back inside but he no sells everything and hits Double A with a Running Knee to the temple for the 3 count…I guess he did learn something from Hogan after all.

WINNER: The Booty Man

…and without further ado, we go straight to the next match…not that many promos tonight, are there?

The Road Warriors Vs The Nasty Boys

The story here is that The Nasty Boys are angry after getting jumped backstage last week and some of the main suspects are The Road Warriors…why the Road Warriors would attack them last week only to happily face them this week is beyond me, but there you go. All four men brawl on the outside of the ring to begin this match with no clue as to who the legal men are, but as we come back from a commercial break Hawk and Jerry Sags is in the ring, so I guess that means that they're starting the actual match. Hawk is quickly double teamed without the referee doing anything to stop them, so who the fuck knows which members are legal at the moment. Brian Knobbs gets caught on the top rope by Animal and punched to the outside as Jerry Sags is sent away by the ref…which must mean that Knobbs and Hawk are the legal men…*sigh*. On the outside Sags and Animal starts using a plastic chair WITHOUT GETTING DISQUALIFIED!? Hawk starts to pummel Knobbs back in the ring as we learn that Okerlund is at home with the flu (awwww) and that he's expected to be back next week (NOOOOOOOOO!), no word on whether he'll be at Uncensored though, appearing at a Pay-Per-View with a cough? EXTREEEEME! Everyone sorta wobbles around the ring and fight each other to complete crowd apathy until the Steiner Brothers for some reason comes out and attacks…the Nasty Boys? Well, I always say that the best way to get back at your enemies is to…ermm…kick their opponents' asses. During the confusion, Animal manages to blast Brian Knobbs with one of his pads like last week and get the pin.

WINNERS: The Road Warriors

After the match, Hawk scuffles a bit with both Steiners before both parts back off and stare each other down. By the way, someone in WCW really loved Black Sabbath's Iron Man because LOD's theme is the second one I've heard which was modelled after it (the first one being Vince Russo's in 2000…which I guess would be the second one, but I heard that one first so…fuck off).

Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage Vs Ric Flair & Kevin Sullivan w/ Woman, Texas Tornado Match

Well despite this going to be a huge clusterfuck, I know that it is NOTHING compared to what they have in store for me at Uncensored (just like last week). Hogan gets Flair on the outside and puts a green foam hat on Flair's head which makes him resemble a very odd wizard of sorts…you know…"the green foam hat, going around in his underwear" kind of wizard .The heels take control by using the guard rails and ring posts, but who am I really kidding, Hogan soon takes control and as does Savage until Flair and Woman double teams on Macho Man to take him down…of course that only results in Hogan having to dominate both Sullivan and Flair with the aid of the plastic chair from before (I have no idea if there's a DQ rule in this match). The heels gets a small thing going for them as they manage to isolate Savage for roughly 60 seconds and Flair puts him in the Figure-4. Hogan however puts Sullivan in a Figure-4 of his own and Savage eventually turns the hold around on Flair himself who escapes and…pushes the referee? Who then pushes Flair to the ground!? This is just a bizarre, messy match and, fuck it, let's jump to the finish shall we. Arn Anderson comes out and stops Hogan from hitting the Leg Drop when Brian Pillman jumps the rail and goes after Savage only to get nailed by Sullivan…then the bell rings…

WINNERS:…seriously, how the hell am I supposed to know!?

The Booty Man comes out as chaos continues to erupt all over the ring area. Arn beckons for someone to come out, and IT'S FUCKING ZEUS! Holy shit! () And…errm…some other fat guy! The faces exits the ring as the heels enter (errm, isn't it usually the other way around?) as Tony Schiavone steps in to interview the Alliance to end Hulkamania. Sullivan says that they upped the ante by bringing in Z-Gangsta, which is Zeus' new and, errm, improved name, as well as Arn, Flair, Sullivan himself and…The Final Solution…errm, that name is a tad awkward, especially considering that he's wearing camouflage pants and has a very German look …at least neither Hogan nor Savage is Jewish. Everyone rambles about destroying Hogan and Savage on Sunday, including Sullivan saying "as the spider said to the fly…welcome to the cage!", which I'm sure makes sense…to someone…somewhere. Fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Well I liked Luger's segment actually (I know!) and The Steiners Vs Public Enemy was pretty good

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The rest of the show. The main event was a clusterfuck as was the match preceding it. I can't figure out why they think that chaos like that is good entertainment, because if anything, the only thing that it has done is made me dread Uncensored…good job, you guys, I DREAD THE FUCKING SHOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME!

Well, as promised, I will do something new as I will give you my thoughts on the Pay-Per-View as promoted and what I think of the storylines and the matches itself, and finally I will give my predictions based solely on what I've seen on Nitro:

WCW Uncensored '96 (the card so far):

Colonel Parker Vs Madusa – Okay, first of all, the match is gonna suck hard, but even worse…WHY!? We have got zero explanations as to why these two are facing each other and I think the result is pretty much a given.

Prediction: Madusa

The Giant Vs Loch Ness – Okay, first of all, the match is gonna suck, but even worse….WHY!? Loch Ness debuted at Superbrawl by aligning himself with the Dungeon of Doom. He destroys a bunch of jobbers…and then turns face? Apparently, he got kicked out of the Dungeon on an episode of WCW Saturday Night, which explains why he's facing the Giant, but why was he kicked out before he got a chance to be pinned by Hogan?

Prediction: The Giant

The Booty Man Vs Diamond Dallas Page – I'm getting a bit tired of saying this, but why the hell do these two guys face each other? I guess it could be argued that it's because of Kimberly…but really, what the hell then happened to Johnny B. Badd? I think he might be going to WWF, but could you at least use 5 minutes on your flagship program to explain why DDP is going after Brother Bruti now? I'll hate this match purely because I think Ed FUCKING Leslie will defeated by beloved Page.

Prediction: The Booty Man

US Title Match: Konnan Vs Eddie Guerrero – Well, at least it'll prolly be a pretty good match. It has barely been mentioned on Nitro…so for the fourth time I have no idea why they are fighting, but yeah…

Prediction: Konnan

Chicago Street Fight: The Road Warriors Vs Sting & Booker T – They never really mentioned why Booker T is helping Sting, but yeah…at least it was at one point promoted on Nitro…that is until Luger bowed out of the match and The Road Warriors began concentrating on the Steiner Brothers instead.

Prediction: The Road Warriors

Doomsday Cage Match: The Mega Powers Vs The Alliance to end Hulkamania – It's definitely gonna be hell to try and follow the "action" in this match, it sounds confusing as hell with 4 cages and way too many wrestlers. But I wonder if not Hogan is going to overcome the odds just like…every single match before. Ironically despite the fact that this is the only match that has been solidly promoted, I still don't really know fully who is actually in it.

Prediction: HOGAN! HOGAN! HOGAN!...oh, and Savage too, I guess…

There you have it, doesn't that card just look…great? Until next time, I'm Esben Evans, and see you at Uncensored where I will try to refrain myself from bashing my head in as Hogan destroys over half of the main event scene.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).