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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight's show…Which two wrestlers are making their debut? Which former employee is trying to crash the party? And which three wrestlers are completely and utterly destroyed by…erm…someone big, orange and annoying? Get all the answers to these questions and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week's episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: March 11th, 1996

Location: Winston-Salem, NC

Yes! It is I! Your beloved host, Esben Evans, with another FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC episode of WCW NITRO! The quick observant will of course notice that we have jumped TWO WHOLE WEEKS into the future from the last column I wrote and…well…yeah, we certainly have…of course if you were so fucking observant you would've noticed that I already mentioned that in said previous column so…fuck you! ANYWHO! We have a new TV Champion…wait, what now? They don't mention who said champion is, but he is in action tonight (UUUHH, SUSPENSE!). The Road Warriors will take on The Nasty Boys, AND we will have a "much anticipated" (tm Eric Bischoff) 6 Man Tag, Double Strap Match in the Main Event…wait, shouldn't that be a Triple Strap Match? No? Okay, then. Apparently it involves lumberjacks as well…WITH STRAPS! So basically, the exact same match from two weeks ago, but this time A GUARANTEED CLUSTERFUCK!!! Bischoff calls it a prelude to Uncensored, but they'll talk more about that later. Well, since the Pay-Per-View is less than two weeks away, that would probably be a simply swell idea. They are seemingly doing a similar promotion towards Uncensored as they did with Superbrawl…virtually non-existent or predominantly on WCW Saturday Night…either or.

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan Vs The Giant w/Jimmy Hart

Wow, some things truly never change . Hacksaw really lays it into The Giant from the beginning, but the big man simply no sells it before delivering a couple of hard right hands to the kidney area that sends Duggan to the outside. Here Duggan tries some of that lucha libre stuff that really made him a name down in Mexico as he jumps off the apron, only to get caught and smashed back first into the turnbuckle. Eric Bischoff suddenly spots Brian Pillman (I thought he had already left) at ringside and drops his headset and runs off…okay, what the hell is going on. Pillman tries to climb the fence in the background but is hauled off by security, leaving NO-ONE to care about the match going on. But it IS my job damn it! Duggan fights out of a Bearhug (or what actually looked like a very tender hug) by biting The Giant's nose (which actually looked like them kissing). It doesn't really help at all though as The Giant continues to pummel Duggan afterwards until he accidentally crashes onto the top rope which allows Duggan to hit the Three Point Stance Clothesline which sends the big man over the top rope…and no, I honestly don't know if that warrants a DQ anymore. The Giant, obviously pissed now, steps right back in and…locks Duggan in another Bearhug? Fast paced action FTW! Hacksaw eventually lands on the outside where he rips off a piece of tape from the floor and wraps it around his fist. He then proceeds to hit The Giant three times with his ILLEGALLY TAPED UP HAND RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REFEREE! And if THAT'S not bad enough, Jimmy Hart tries to pull off the tape AND THE REFEREE TRIES TO GET HIM DOWN FROM THE APRON! Phew, all that shouting is tiresome. Anyway, Duggan headbutts Jimmy Hart, but then turns right into a huge Chokeslam for the 3 count.

WINNER: The Giant

"Mean" Gene is standing by with Steve Grissom as I cry "WE DON'T CAAAAAAAAAAARE!" to the heavens…but alas, I did not get struck down by lightning which I think would've been more humane than having to sit through another one of these segments…but yeah, the segment was about him not winning…which is somehow great I think.

The Steiner Brothers (!?) Vs The Road Warriors

Okay, so apparently The Nasty Boys got the shit kicked out of them backstage and The Steiner Brothers comes out on motorcycles to make their comeback and take the Nasty Boys' place in the match…well, that's certainly not a bad thing, although one could argue that this comeback/debut could've been done a hundred times better, it sure was surprising though. By the way, for all you warped fans (all two of you) who have never seen what Scott Steiner used to look like, here is a good picture of him sporting the mullet that we all miss very much, BRING IT BACK SCOTTY!. Scott & Hawk starts the match as the legal men and instantly locks in a Collar-Elbow Tie-up OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! Hawk quickly shows that he is the man by blocking a hiptoss and hit one of his own, but Steiner repays him moments later with a huge Belly-to-Belly Suplex and a Pumphandle Drop. Hawk however gets back in control with a Top Rope Clothesline and a HUGE Big Boot, and I'm really starting to dig this match. Both men tag out and Animal takes control almost instantly with a Powerslam and a Dropkick which Rick Steiner had about a minute to avoid…he didn't though as he just stood completely still in the middle of the ring. Wrestling is so not fake. Rick makes up for this by hitting a German Suplex and a Top Rope Belly-to-Belly Suplex, and I have to wonder if this isn't one of the best matches I've recapped since perhaps Guerrero Vs O'Otani at Starrcade. The Steiners continue to dominate with Scott even applying the Steiner Recliner in all of its pre-finishing move glory. The pace of the match starts to die down as Animal is isolated, and the match rating drops a bit as Animal sells a dropkick from Scott Steiner which clearly missed by a mile . Animal finally gets the hot tag (for some reason they're portrayed as the faces, despite the fans backing The Steiners) and Eric runs down the Uncensored card (FINALLY!). Colonel Parker Vs Madusa…man Vs woman, manager Vs wrestler, any way I try to look at this match it'll suck hard. Eddy Guerrero Vs Konnan for the US Title, now that could be interesting. The Chicago Street Fight between The Road Warriors & Sting WITHOUT Lex Luger as Jimmy Hart apparently pulled him out of the match because of his contract with him…or something, and finally we have the DOOMSDAY MATCH! 4 cages which Hulk the Immortal has to fight his way down from (?) and he'll have to go through Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Kevin Sullivan, Lex Luger, Meng & The Barbarian to win it…wow, and I thought he buried a lot of wrestlers at Superbrawl, but at least most of them WASN'T FREAKING MAIN EVENT WRESTLERS! Anyway, back to the match where the LOD are isolating Rick after dumping Scott on the outside. They nail the Doomsday Device but Scott manages to break it up in the nick of time. The Steiners then dump Animal on the outside and prepares to nail Hawk with a Doomsday Device of their own, but Animal gets up to distract Scott on the turnbuckle and Hawk escapes only for Scott to nail him with a Top Rope Shoulder Block only for Animal to nail Scott with a Top Rope Clothesline…okay, I have no idea who the legal men are anymore. Scott nails Animal with a lovely standing Frankensteiner (now THAT he can't do anymore) but Rick for some reason allows Hawk to break up the following pin. The Steiners nail Hawk with a Doomsday Bulldog but Animal blasts Rick with a piece of his shoulder pads or something and Hawk gets the pin. Pretty good match.

WINNERS: The Road Warriors

The Road Warriors REALLY have to shut the fuck up about Luger cheating now after doing the exact same thing consistently for several weeks, fucking hypocrites. "Mean" Gene is in the ring to interview the Steiners, and Scott is not happy. He talks about hunting the Road Warriors for 4 years…why they didn't just join whatever promotion they were in at the time and demand a match, I don't know. "Mean" Gene says that he was very surprised at the Steiners appearing tonight and that he didn't know anything about it, AND HE HAS THE WCW HOTLINE DAMMIT, SO HE KNOWS ALL! This isn't the end between these two teams apparently, and I must say that I don't complain if they can produce that good a match again.

Lex Luger Vs Alex Wright, WCW Television Title Match

The TV Title. A title being used to elevate lower card guys and give them something to feud over…or as of right now, a title given to a man who doesn't need it and who wasn't really involved with the former champion in any way, shape or form, so he hadn't really any reason why he would want it…except of course that it looks awesome to walk around with 2 titles, he is of course Lex Luger. Before the actual match starts, we get a commercial for the WCW Hotline including this  image…and yes, that is in fact Okerlund…way to keep your dignity old man.

Anyway, the match is underway and Alex Wright is dominating…yes, you read that right, Alex Wright is dominating Lex Luger. Not as amazing as Alex Wright defeating Triple H on Pay-Per-View, but still pretty amazing. Luger does gain control however after pulling Wright into the turnbuckle, as Bischoff says that Heenan is stretching the reality when calling himself a ringside journalistic reporter…I guess it's a stretch that I call myself the Senior WCW Correspondent as well then. Wright tries to fight back but gets another turnbuckle in the face and Luger proceeds to slap him around. As Wright makes his big comeback, Bischoff mentions that Loch Ness has been booted off the Dungeon of Doom…wait, what!? He just joined a month ago!...Russo? Is that you? GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CREATIVE MEETING, YOU AREN'T EVEN HIRED BY US...*cough*…yet. Wright goes to the top rope and Jimmy Hart again comes out to make the interference, and he stalls him long enough for Luger to get back to his feet and catch Wright before dropping him throat first on the top rope for the 3 count.

WINNER: Lex Luger

After the match, Luger seems angry at Jimmy for interfering, but apparently not angry enough to pose for the fans. We go straight to tonight's thrilling Main Event (WHAT!? No Film of the Week!?).

Team Bootylicious (Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage & The Booty Man) Vs Team Suburban Dads (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson & Kevin Sullivan), MEGA HYPER SUPER DOUBLE (TRIPLE?) STRAP W/ LUMBERJACKS WHO ALSO HAVE STRAPS MATCH!!!

Wow, this is awesome! I don't mean the match by the way, I mean the fact that all the lumberjacks are actually wearing a lumberjack shirt! The Giant & Loch Ness are almost instantly brawling with each other up the aisle, and I'm afraid that this might actually lead to the slowest fucking match ever…and knowing WCW it will probably be LIVE! On PAY-PER-VIEW! When I said it was gonna be a clusterfuck, I was definitely right as there is apparently no tags and all the lumberjacks are fighting amongst themselves as well just to confuse the hell out of everyone. To add to the confusion, out comes Kimberly with another bouquet of flowers (not a bucket as I so cunningly tried to convince you in my last column) and yeah…I probably wouldn't do that in that environment. I tried something similar in a biker bar once, but Earl just shunned me because I apparently embarrassed him or something…YOU BROKE MY HEART EARL!

Anyway we have a match (sorta) going on. The three babyfaces are completely destroying the heels here, just like last week, and Flair even tries to escape, but he's hauled back by Animal, what a good Samaritan…or a complete douche, either or. The lumberjacks make a valiant attempt to open up the match a bit by ganging up on Hogan every time he gets out of the ring, but Hogan Vs Seemingly impossible numbers usually only has one winner…here's a hint, it's not the gang…wait, maybe Hogan is the Jor-El to Cena's Kal-El? It would make so much sense, damn it! Sometimes I wish I was any good at Photoshop. Heenan compares this match to a prison riot, and if that had been true, I would wish good luck to Ed Leslie because I can't imagine the kind of torment that a guy named The Booty Man would suffer in the clink. Hogan wraps one of the straps around the wrist of Ric Flair and pulls him around and into his team-mates…sadly that is about as much offence as he has had all night so far. Hogan finishes the slaughter with a Big Boot and a Leg Drop for the win.

WINNERS: Team Bootylicious

Wow, Hunter, take notes of this one right here, now THAT'S how you bury people. Hogan chases Flair backstage as Mongo makes a little Freudian slip by saying that he'll chase him back to the bedroom…well I guess now I know why we didn't get a promo for the upcoming movie, Live Sex Celebration ftw!

Okerlund is standing by in the ring with the losing team. He asks if he is chopped liver, and I guess if anyone would know anything about that, it would be Double A. We get a breakdown of the Uncensored Main Event as Hogan will have to go through four cages from top to bottom. In the 1st cage we have Arn, in the 2nd cage we have Sullivan, Lex Luger and Ric Flair…or something like that, it sounds confusing to say the least. Arn says that what we saw in tonight's Main Event wasn't wrestling…and well I'll agree on that, and apparently neither will the match at Uncensored…*sigh*. Fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times:well…errm…Kimberly looked hot, oh yeah, and of course the very good tag match as well.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The Main Event. Horrible match, horribly executed, horrible ending, horrible way of building towards Uncensored.

That's it for me this week, check out the rest of the site and the forum…but beware of Andarial, she likes to ban people…then again, who doesn't.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).