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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

On tonight's show…which wrestler is compared to Lorenzo Lamas of…errm…something fame? Who is out-rambling the King of Rambling himself, "Mean" Gene Okerlund? Which dastardly heels are getting flipped off by a freaking granny? And why the hell is Ed Leslie in the Main Event? Get all the answers to these (except the last one, I seriously think that is still debated upon today) and MORE WCW tomfoolery in this week's episode of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: February 26th, 1996

Location: Knoxville, TN

Hi, I'm your host, Esben Evans, and this week we have a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC main event as Ric Flair, Arn Anderson & Kevin Sullivan will face the dream team of Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage…and the Booty Man, who is of course the artist formerly known as Zodiac formerly known as The Butcher formerly known as Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake *gasp*, holy FUCK that's a lot of failed gimmicks, especially considering that it was in a span of roughly 2 years. Tonight we also have Harlem Heat and the Road Warriors going up against each other, this comes after the controversial tag title match(es) at Superbrawl…which of course was just over two weeks prior to this event, way to strike while the iron is hot guys!

Big Bubba Vs Sting

Before the match, Eric is so kind to give us a rundown of what we are going to miss on Raw…of course he mumbled so it was almost impossible to hear what he said, but he did say something about Yokozuna and a handicap match, plus Diesel and, I'm quoting here, "Bob Holly…that guy is still around?", ooh Eric, if only you knew that he would outlast your company. Bischoff continues his streak of comedy goodness as he compares Sting & Steve Grissom by calling them both winners, and then immediately congratulating Grissom on finishing 5th in some race over the weekend. Using this logic in all aspects of his life, I'm pretty sure that he was still under the impression that WCW was winning the ratings war when they folded. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BANKRUPT!?

Big Bubba starts off by acting extremely cocky and mockingly extends his hand towards Sting after the initial tie up to which Sting responds with a long forgotten tradition of mine, THE BITCH SLAP OF THE WEEK! 

 

Sting quickly follows up by going on the offence, but Big Bubba catches him with an Inverted Atomic Drop and a European Uppercut for 2. Sting once again tries to fight back but is this time cut short with a huge Spinebuster for another 2 count. The topic of discussion now falls back on Sting & Luger's relationship and Mongo quips that Sting might be willing to give Luger all the rope in the world but sooner or later he's gonna hang himself…well, I don't think it's a problem when you hand a guy some rope…but when you hand a guy a bowflex, the shit is definitely hitting the fan. Speaking of fans, Big Bubba is definitely drawing the ire of a very unlikely fan in the front row. You do NOT mess with the southern crowd OR their grandmothers apparently. Back in the ring, Sting hits a Piledriver of sorts out of nowhere to bring him back in the match. The two slug it out for a bit before Sting finally manages to drop Bubba with a big right hand only to catch nothing but knees off a Vader Bomb attempt. Sting isn't more fazed by it than he can still manage to crotch Bubba on the top rope and deliver a Top Rope Cross Body for the 3 count.

WINNER: Sting

"Mean" Gene Okerlund is standing by to ramble incoherently while trying to pass it off as a wrestling interview, which is sort of like me rambling incoherently while trying to pass it off as a hilarious wrestling column…holy fuck did I just compare myself to "Mean" Gene!? Wow, talk about low self esteem right there. ANYWHO! He is standing by with Lex Luger & Sting, but before they are able to say anything, they are joined by the Road Warriors who are looking angry (you know, compared to their generally surly expression). Animal talks about how they respect Sting but then asks him "Where's your head at?". LOOK IN THE MYSTERY BOX DUMBASS!!.

Animal asks Sting why he's still hanging out with Luger despite everything and Luger says that they are the champions and they will face the Road Warriors in any kind of match at any time. Sting doesn't look too happy at this as he pretty much says that Luger is nothing compared to the LOD. Hawk then begins to ramble (well Gene isn't talking so someone has to) as he compares Luger to a washing machine (they both agitate him *bodom tchii*) and then talks about beating up a gorilla in Atlanta Zoo. He then says that he's sure Luger wants to get in the ring with them in a Chicago Street Fight, and then finishes off with, and I quote again, "but you know something Luger? Ooooh what a rush!"…seriously, WHAT THE FUCK! Anyway, the match is on at Uncensored, but Sting is furious and leaves his partner because he accepted the challenge…wait, remind me which one of them is supposed to be the cowardly heel again?  

Renegade Vs Lex Luger

Dunno if I've mentioned this before, but Renegade was WCW's answer to the Ultimate Warrior…you know, sans the main event status, the fan reaction and the hilarious homophobic outbursts on the internet. He did however have face paint, so I guess he did have something going for him. Renegade surprisingly dominates the early proceedings and knocks Luger down a few times to Lex's obvious frustration. I guess I can see where he comes from, it would be sort of the same if you were like a pretty good boxer and you were dominated by a Mike Tyson look-a-like…you know, sort of…but not really. Anyway, Renegade continues to be in control until he launches himself onto the top rope chest first. Bischoff begins to run down just how extreme Uncensored is by mentioning the abortion of a match that was Dustin Rhodes Vs Blacktop Bully in a King of the Roads match where they fought in the back of a moving truck…filled with hay…in order to see who could blow a horn first…yes it WAS that bad, but somehow Eric sounds proud as he mentions that it was the only time in history that match type happened, of course he might've been proud that he has managed to keep it from ever happening again…yes Eric, well done. Back to the match, where both men seemingly decides at one point to completely stop selling (SURPRISE!). Renegade however steps back in control…again…as he manages to hit a Powerslam, a Handspring Elbow in the corner and a Bulldog for a 2 count. Meanwhile McMichael tries to justify why Sting & Luger both have been dominated in their matches tonight, and it is of course that they are a team now and aren't used to fighting one on one…yeah, apparently you can forget a LOT in the space of a few months. Anyway, Jimmy Hart runs down and shoves Renegade off the top turnbuckle to the floor which enables Luger to roll him back in the ring and apply the Torture Rack for the win.

WINNER: Lex Luger

Aaah yes, if only he would've had a "hilarious" Indian sidekick, a Harley Davidson motorbike and the general coolness of one Lorenzo Lamas, I'm sure he would've picked up the win (now THAT'S an obscure reference if there ever was one). Luger and Hart hugs as they celebrate another…errm…big time win? But Sting comes out and he is NOT a happy camper (not sure why he would go out camping at this point anyway, but whatever). Sting begins to yell at Luger for bringing Hart out, and Luger amusingly tries to wash his hands off the whole thing by raising Renegade's hand in "victory". Sting doesn't buy it however as he marches off angrily, DISSENSION! DUM DUM DUUUUM!.

Harlem Heat Vs Road Warriors

Road Warriors dislike Luger for supposedly screwing them out of the tag titles, while of course Road Warriors did the exact same thing to Harlem Heat at Superbrawl, BUT THEY'RE NOT FACES SO WHO CARES HUH!?

Anyway, Booker T and Hawk kicks off this match and T starts off best until Hawk decides that enough is enough and he refuses to sell…much to the enjoyment of the redneck granny at ringside. Both men tag out and Eric instantly begins to marvel at the upper body of Stevie Ray for some reason (someone likes dark chocolate) as he begins to dominate Animal after a distraction from Booker T. Seriously, I can't stop looking at that damn old woman in the bottom of my screen who is perhaps the most enthusiastic wrestling fan I've ever seen. As Harlem Heat cheat to take down Hawk (who had tagged in meanwhile) she first tries to point it out to the referee, and when that doesn't work…she gives them the finger (sorry for the size, it would've been easier for you to see it as a regular picture…but then you don't get the awesome movement as well). Booker T tags in and almost gets a 2 count from an Axe Kick. They fight some more (seriously it's not exactly high spot heaven this match) as Bischoff reveals that the mysterious "executive committee" has declared that the winner of this match will become the official No.1 Contenders to the Tag Titles…you know…despite the title match between Road Warriors & Sting/Luger was made just a few moments ago. Animal eventually gets the hot tag and clears house. The referee however loses track over who the fuck the legal men are and for some reason exits the ring while Booker T has Hawk covered after a Harlem Hangover. Animal instead kicks T in the head and Hawk can cover him for the 3 count. Bad match, bizarre finish.

WINNERS: Road Warriors   

It is almost time for tonight's Main Event, BUT FIRST what awesome film does TNT have in store for us after Nitro, I hear you ask (…what? I have speakers in my computer, I can totally hear you guys). Well tonight it is American Kickboxer 2: TO THE DEATH!!! (I'm not even kidding, that's the real title).

 This is of course the sequel to American Kickboxer (YAH! REALLY!) which featured a lot of guys I've never heard about before, except for one Gavin Hood who has went on to direct a few rather biggish films and are at the helm of the upcoming "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"…wow, go figure. THIS ONE however has a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC cast consisting of a lot of guys I've never heard of AND Tackleberry from the Police Academy films. Seriously, who here wouldn't wanna watch freaking Tackleberry perform the ancient art of kickboxing?...PUT YOU FUCKING HANDS DOWN, it was a rhetorical question…dumbasses.

Team Bootylicious (Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage & The Booty Man) Vs Team Suburban Dads…well they sorta look like that >_> (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson & Kevin Sullivan w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth)

Bischoff continues to call The Booty Man, "Hulk Hogan's spy in the Dungeon of Doom"…now if that really was the case, one could probably argue that he was indeed the worst spy of all time considering all the times that the Dungeon have managed to spring surprises on Hogan, ESPECIALLY when Jimmy Hart turned on him…but I've probably put too much thought in it.

The babyfaces (seriously, wouldn't it be fucked up to see a baby with a Hogan moustache? ) starts off by beating up the heels, and I can't get over the fact that Brother Bruti looks so out of place it's not even funny. Kimberly for some reason waddles out with a bucket of flowers and looking like she has no idea why the hell she is even out here. Arn Anderson & Booty Man starts off this match as the legal men and Bruti goes on the offence first by…applying a Sleeper Hold? Kevin Sullivan tries to break it up, but The Booty Man wants none of it as he…applies another Sleeper Hold!? WHAT THE FUCK! Anyway, Ric Flair comes in (and is apparently the legal man all of a sudden) and he cautiously tries to approach Bruti but is scared off by the almighty Ed Leslie and I mean who the fuck isn't? Have you seen that giant pair of scissors he used to have!? They could easily chop a fucking head off! Bruti hits a Drop Toe Hold when Flair finally tries to attack and…ruffles his hair? Okay this is easily the most retarded move set I have EVER seen. Flair is still hesitant to approach his opponent, and seriously, I would probably think twice about getting into physical contact with someone named The Booty Man as well. As Randy Savage gets tagged in, the 3 announcers prove their illiteracy as Mongo starts by spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T as something that is on Savage's mind, he asks the two others what that spells and Heenan says "Personal" while Bischoff, not to get outdone, claims that it spells "Miss Elizabeth"…my personal guess would be "Metamorphosis" *bodom tchii*. We hear that the following week's edition of Nitro is hilariously pre-empted by a made for TV film about the Civil War...way to have your priorities in order TNT. Anyway, back to this exciting match where Flair counters Savage coming off the top rope only for him to tag in Hogan, who of course destroys Flair just for fun. Hogan beats on all 3 heels for a while before tagging in Bruti who beats on the 3 heels for a bit. GAAAAARGH! THIS MATCH IS BORING! Savage now tags in and as he runs towards the ropes are held by both Woman and Liz. He grabs the hair of both of them to a HUGE pop, but is quickly cut down by Arn and Sullivan on the apron. This FINALLY allows the heels to get some offence in as they isolate Macho Man in their corner as Bischoff talks about how they stripped him of his dignity…no that was stripped tonight when it was decided that freaking Ed Leslie would be portrayed stronger than him. The beating goes on for several minutes until Sullivan and Savage clash heads in the middle of the ring resulting in the hot tag to The Booty Man (!?), who cleans house before tagging in Hulk Hogan who hits everyone with Big Boots before planting Arn with the Leg Drop to get his win back. TAKE THAT ARN ANDERSON! Back down the card for YOU!

WINNERS: Team Bootylicious (Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage & The Booty Man)

Flair jumps Hogan after the match and Miss Elizabeth handcuffs him to the ring post…or actually he almost did it himself since Liz couldn't quite figure it out. Flair whips him a few times, but that's it as Savage runs them off…seriously, that was tame as hell. FADE TO BLACK!

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: That grandma in the front row was funny as hell…but other than that, it was a rather poor episode through and through

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Ed…fucking…Leslie, what the FUCK was the idea in pushing him!? A rather lame ending to the show as well. I mean, Hogan didn't really get hurt at all, and generally the storylines right now is neither good nor interesting, not even unintentionally funny…just bad.

Well, until next time, I'm Esben Evans, THE best damn thing to come out of Denmark…well…it's not like we had a lot going for us before I arrived, but still…  


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).