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WCW NITRO:
THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Date: February 19th, 1996

Location: Salisbury, MD 

Last week the unthinkable happened. Hulk Hogan LOST to Arn Anderson. SURE, it may have taken countless cheap shots and run-ins to do so, but a victory none-the-less. Well, this may have sounded like the impending apocalypse and everything, BUT the good folks at WCW of course know how to appease the gods (or at least their most expensive wrestler) by booking a rematch between the two for tonight. Gee, I wonder who'll win THAT (the announcers reinforce my point by stating that Hogan has never lost twice to the same man…well, at least not in a row). Tonight we also get a title match between Ric Flar & Randy Savage, because lord knows we haven't watched that match-up for a while (2 weeks is "a while" I guess). Jesus Christ, it figures that while I'm praying for something new, they are seemingly set to do a combined re-run of last week's Nitro & Superbrawl. Hey, by the way, remember in my last column when I poked fun at that NASCAR driving douchebag in the WCW car? Suuure you do! Well it turns out he actually won the race a few days afterwards, which of course means we'll hear more from him later and that I will dig deeper into his driving career to find out if he actually won more than once (hey, screw YOU, it's me who needs to find something to do during those segments!). Well it seems like Hogan can't wait any longer getting that damn win back.

Hulk Hogan Vs Arn Anderson w/ Woman

This is gonna be great and not at all just like last week…not even. Hogan doesn't even wait for Arn to get his jacket off before beginning to pummel him. Arn eventually escapes to the outside to finally throw it off only of course for Hogan to pick it up and illegally choke him with it. Hogan continues to dominate back inside the ring with illegal chokeholds and biting and other great typical babyface in-ring tactics as the announcers talk about the upcoming WCW Baywatch episode and how Vader left the company after an infamous altercation with Paul Orndorff…huh, seems like they began all that referencing to real crap backstage stuff looong before Russo got onboard. WCW Uncensored is coming up in a few weeks by the way, and from what I understand that particular Pay-Per-View has the same concept as One Night Stand in that the rules will go out the window…of course this is WCW so who knows whether or not they'll actually enforce this. Speaking of enforcing, Arn Anderson is STILL getting his ass kicked, at this point his total offence has been a kick, a punch, and a shoulder to the midsection…that's pretty much it. Arn mounts the smallest comeback in the history of wrestling before getting punched over the top rope…of course it "wasn't intentional" so no DQ at this point. Bischoff talks about Macho Man not only fighting for the title tonight, but also for his self-respect and dignity…both of which of course got violently thrown out the window of a moving train and crushed by a comically large Monty Python-esque weight when he decided to record a rap album. Back to the match, Arn tries to hit the DDT out of nowhere but Hogan blocks it by using nothing but his amazing strength in the middle of the freaking ring. 3 punches, a big boot and a…Figure 4-Leg Lock later and Savage runs in to save Hogan from being attacked by Kevin Sullivan and, despite not touching either Hogan or Arn, gets Hogan disqualified….wait, what!!?

WINNER: Arn Anderson by DQ

Okay, that was one of the most non-sensical endings in…well…at least this show, lets face it WCW was a bit weird at times. I definitely wasn't happy with the way they portrayed Arn here as he got dominated the entire match without getting any insignificant offence in…then again as he faced Hogan, I'm not really surprised by that.

"Mean" Gene stands by now with the douchiest looking driver in the history of NASCAR, Steve Grissom. Apparently he won a race, good for him I guess, I'm however gonna google his ass (not THAT way you freaking perv) to find out what the hell he's up to now. Well basically he fell off the NASCAR grid in the late nineties…of course with my enormous lack of NASCAR knowledge I have no idea what all these division names and stuff means…I mean, I guess I could look it up, but I really don't give a flying fuck about it so why bother…now was THAT in depth journalism or what?...no? Okay then. Anyway, the two tools talk about cars and stuff and I ignore them (as do most of the fans in the arena).

Alex Wright Vs Loch Ness w/ Jimmy Hart

*sigh* Oh boy, this is gonna be painful. Loch Ness sort of waddles around in slow motion looking extremely disoriented while Alex Wright chooses to implement the very sound strategy of trying to use Hammerlocks and Waistlocks…what a tool. He does however manage to get the beast into a corner by using his simply extraordinary dropkicking abilities and then applying a Sleeper Hold on the top turnbuckle. Heenan of course reveals to the common mark just how ridiculous that image is as the referee does nothing to break it up despite Wright technically being aided by the ropes. Loch Ness eventually comes back with a Snapmare and a Bearhug. Heenan compliments Sullivan on finding this guy by saying that "he's done it again", and that is definitely correct…I mean, personally I didn't think you could find someone slower than the likes of Shark and Kamala but this guy makes freaking Big Daddy V look like Rey Mysterio in his prime. Wright tries to squash Nessie in the corner but eventually gets punted in the stomach (or the groin…either way it looked hilarious) and nailed with the Tree Fiddy for the win.

WINNER: Loch Ness

What an explosive, high paced beginning to this weeks show. Poor suckers who actually bought tickets to this shit.

The Belfast Bruiser Vs Brad Armstrong

…I have a riddle for you. Who wears a Mad Max-esque ring jacket, has a dark haired MULLET and a porn moustache? Why no other than, Finlay in 1996!!! . Brad Armstrong (who is the brother of Road Dogg…BG James…whatever the fuck his name is these days) will be looking to compete in the upcoming WCW Cruiserweight Title tournament which will of course crown the inaugural champion of the title that was one of the things defining WCW to the very end…along with crappy booking, weird storylines and David Arquette. Finlay has barely changed his outfit at all since then, only difference really is that his new ones look a lot less homemade. Big "USA! USA! USA!" chants to support Armstrong in the beginning, they of course quickly subside when their "hero" gets dominated with the almighty Armbar. They cointue to trade holds…in what seems like forever, holy fuck this match is freaking boring. The Bruiser eventually begins to work over the knee and locks in an actually pretty sweet looking Half Crab of sorts before Armstrong breaks loose and hits a Flying Body Cross that results in both men tumbling over the top rope. Back in the ring and Armstrong finally looks like he's gonna get some offence before The Belfast Bruiser hits a Tilt-a-Whirl Slam for the 3 count.

WINNER: The Belfast Bruiser w/o annoying midget

Apparently Finlay wants to fight Regal over something happening at WCW Saturday Night, and they will face each other at Uncensored…well that should be okay me thinks.

Tonight's super duper awesome film to show after Nitro will be….*drumroll*… "Teen Wolf Too" starring the AWESOME Jason Bateman (I'm not even kidding, I fucking love that guy) and Lord of the Rings actor Sean Astin…'s father, John Astin, in a film about how to deal with being a wolf in High School…or something along those lines, either way it's most definitely awesome and not at all lame, especially since it's a sequel…to a film with sort of the exact same storyline it seems. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! After that we have Tom Hanks starring in " The Money Pit" about a couple who repairs a house…no I'm not kidding, that's the plot. ANYWHO! On to the Main Event of the evening.

Ric Flair w/ Elizabeth & Woman Vs Randy Savage, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Flair takes forever to get in the ring but when he finally does he does his strut only for Savage to respond with a big wad of spit to the face. Savage is on fire in the opening minute before Flair drops him with an Inverted Atomic Drop which sends Savage rolling to the outside in agony…wow, that didn't take much. Flair takes control on the outside by using the guardrail and manages to drop Savage with a hard elbow as Macho gets distracted by the women on the outside. The video I'm watching by the way has increasingly lacked in terms of sounds which results in a very confusing situation where I can hear what goes on before it actually happens…dunno what I wanted to say about that really other than, it's annoying…very, very annoying. Flair keeps controlling the match until, you guessed it, he tries to go to the top rope. After Flair gets thrown off, Savage locks in the Figure 4-Leg Lock which gets several near falls before Flair can get to the ropes for the break. Flair regains control after reversing a Sleeper Hold (which Bischoff strangely marked big for…the Sleeper Hold I mean, not the reversal) and eventually hits a Shin Breaker/Figure 4-Leg Lock combo. The crowd really begins to get into this (probably finally waking up after the first three matches) and Savage reverses the hold and gets a Backslide for a close 2 count. The two exchanges punches and chops before Savage once again spits in Flair's face and gains the control. Savage hits a Double Axe Handle from the top rope and Elizabeth jumps up on the apron to distract the referee as Woman throws a shoe into the ring which Savage catches and nails Flair with (worst assist…ever!). Anyway Savage gets a 2 count before pulling off and clutching his eye (huh?) as all hell breaks loose and Kevin Sullivan, Arn Anderson and Hulk Hogan all make their way to the ring. Hogan beats down Sullivan as Arn sneaks in and blasts Savage with a nice DDT which enables Flair to pick up the win.

WINNER: Ric Flair

The heels slowly start to get the upper hand before Ed Leslie (!?) comes out and fights them off. I guess the Zodiac is no more, but what an anti-climactic finish to a rather poor storyline to begin with. Flair comes up to the announcing booth with the rest of the heels to yell unintelligibly into the mic about Arn winning and some other stuff I couldn't quite figure out. Hulk Hogan and his gang chases them away and Hogan challenge Flair, Arn and Sullivan to a 6-man tag match against him, Savage and…I kid you not…The Booty Man…and I thought Brutus Beefcake was bad, but yeah, I guess it turns out that Billy Gunn wasn't the first wrestler to portray an ass aficionado. Seriously though, I don't think it's the best name to use if you want to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

WCW – Aaaah, Good Times: Well…this was bad, and I mean very bad. The Main Event was okay I guess until the clusterfuck finish…oh, and Finlay's mullet was awesome as well.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: The 3 first matches were all slow, awkward and…well…bad, no storylines really progressed that much except for the Booty Man angle and it's not exactly something that seems to be a masterpiece…and PLEASE, get that douche Steve Grissom off my fucking screen, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM OR YOUR STUPID CAR!!!

Until next time, I'm your Senior WCW Correspondent Esben Evans, and remember kids…don't do anything I wouldn't do.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).