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Greetings my trusted minions and welcome to another edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: February 12th, 1996

Location: Tampa, FL

Hello everybody, we're just 24 hours removed from Superbrawl! A 3 hour Pay-Per-View extravaganza that had all the build and emotion of a 3 hour edition of Nitro. We had INTRIGUE! BETRAYAL! ONE MAN DESTROYING A DOZEN WRESTLERS SIMULTANEOUSLY! It was great (or mediocre…I forget). Bischoff introduces Pepe (Mongo's dog) before McMichael himself, which I think is a subtle sign of what WCW actually thought of Mongo at this point…or something. Mongo claims that you must've had a screw loose if you didn't order Superbrawl…well, that or you may be one of those people who actually like to know WHAT THE FREAKING CARD IS before buying. Yeah, this strange breed of humans actually exists, who knew right? Anywho, they comment on the events surrounding last night's double Main Event including Miss Elizabeth's heel turn (HIYO!), The Horsemen making up with the Dungeon of Doom (I for one was ECSTATIC, I mean they are such a cute couple) AND Hulk Hogan supporting the theory that he is indeed the Terminator by destroying the entire Dungeon of Doom single-handedly with the exception of The Giant & their new…errm…blimp? Simply known as Loch Ness. AAAANYWHO, let's get things going for tonight's show!

Hugh Morrus Vs Randy Savage

…yeah, Hugh Morrus is fucked. Macho Man makes his entrance without his hat and jacket looking serious (or at least as serious as one can look while wearing neon green tights). Savage starts off by showing how determined and angry he is as he kicks Morrus' ass for roughly 10 seconds before getting manhandled himself. Bischoff starts to talk about how far back the whole Hogan/Savage Vs Flair/Sullivan feud has gone as it started back at a…and I kid you not…taping of an episode of Baywatch…BAYWATCH! Here's to hoping that David Hasselhoff will make an appearance soon. On a side note, I actually remember seeing that episode when I was younger, it had footage from Bash at the Beach '95 and everything…riveting stuff. Who would've figured that it would spawn a wrestling feud though, I mean seriously what has a show filled with bad actors and big breasted women in common with wrestling!? CLEARLY nothing!

ANYWHO! Hugh Morrus still dominates most of the proceedings with only a few attempts at a comeback from the Macho Man. Morrus however misses the No Laughing Matter and subsequently gets Scoop Slammed and nailed with two consecutive Flying Elbow Drops for the win.

WINNER: Randy Savage

After the match, Savage climbs up top for another Elbow Drop but the referee steps between him and Hugh Morrus allowing the latter to roll out of the ring. Savage says that the referee is right, and that he doesn't want Hugh Morrus but he wants Ric Flair. He then exits the ring and goes up the ramp while Bischoff claims that Savage just went through Morrus like a hot knife through butter…yeah, if the butter kicked the knife's ass for several minutes straight before that (Absurd analogy FTW!). OFF TO COMMERCIALS WE GO! (or in my case, to the bathroom)

We return to the show where "Mean" Gene Okerlund is standing by with Steve Grissom who is the driver for the WCW race car which is competing in…something? WELL! Being the big shot journalist that I am, I've decided to try and figure out just who the hell this guy is!...*ahem*…Steve Grissom has driven in NASCAR (or as it is also known, the OTHER redneck "sport") but apparently he is not very good at it and he was actually released by the WCW team later on in 1996…go figure. They talk about the "awesomely" looking car, and considering that this was the 90s, I guess it could've been a lot worse. Sting will be working the pit crew apparently at the next training session, as I'm beginning to see why the fuck this project failed. On a side note, how much practice do you need to drive around in circles? Not exactly the most interesting way to spend an afternoon is it? Aaaaanywho, now that I've alienated a few more of my readers (dunno how big a segment of the TWF users that ARE rednecks, but someone is bound to be), I get what I deserve apparently as the following match is…

Scotty Riggs w/o Marcus Bagwell Vs Loch Ness

On a quick, completely different side note…awww <3.

 Anyway the announcers discuss whether or not Loch Ness really is English…you know, despite the fact that the Loch Ness is in Scotland. But considering American's geographical prowess- or loch thereof (HIYO!...>_>). I guess it is pretty impressive that they hit so close to the mark. Mongo claims that if ugly could kill, Loch Ness would be world champion…what the hell kind of fucked up contest is that!? Congratulations sir, you have managed to set a new world record in slaughtering people! It would be awkward television that's for sure. Riggs hits a Dropkick AND a Missile Dropkick…and it BARELY FAZES HIM! WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS THIS MAN! Riggs jumps off the top again this time to get…errm…slammed/splashed/landed on top of/owned by Loch Ness. Seriously, in the history of botched moves this would be a top contender. In fact, I think it calls for a SUPER SLO-MO GIF!. Loch Ness hits his Stumbling Elbow Drop twice, which I from now one will call the "Tree-Fiddy" (props to all who actually gets that reference), and gets the win.

WINNER: Loch Ness

"Mean" Gene is standing by on the ramp as Elizabeth and Woman cart a hospital bed out. Gene asks them about last night and Elizabeth says that even though it took them all night, someone did leave St. Petersburg on a gurney just as Flair promised as Ric pops up from underneath the covers. Am I the only one who thinks that getting carted around in a bed would be freaking awesome? Flair for some reason keeps referring to himself as "we" when he rolls down his possessions (Woman, Liz & the title). He says that he is looking forward to defending the title next week against Macho Man before passing the microphone to Elizabeth. She says that she had to follow Randy for 7 years without opening her mouth and well…I can't say I disagree with that decision. I mean she was stunning to look at, but she reaches Randy Orton-esque heights in terms of how monotone a promo she can cut. I mean for Christ's sake, she freezes and ACTUALLY FORGETS WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY! I was sure for a moment that she had blown a circuit sort of like Liz Hurley in Austin Powers 2. She says that she took half his money in the divorce and now also the thing he prized the most, the World Title.

"Dangerous" Devon Storm Vs Konnan

HOLY FUCK! It's fucking CROWBAR!


 I'm just stunned that a single character invented in the Russo Era was actually an improvement! Before the match gets underway we get a commercial for the WCW Power Plant who has THIS fantastic quote to its name, while ABC gave it a…and I quote…"Raaaave review". I still like my tagline better "Power Plant – We educate the brightest feet in the business!". Considering that these were the guys that gave us Luther Reigns, The Renegade, Chuck Palumbo, Mark Jindrak AND Sonny Siaki, I would probably take that statement with a pinch of salt…although to be fair they also gave us Goldberg (shut up I marked for Goldberg >_>), The Cat (who was awesome in his WCW run), Chris Kanyon AND, my all time favourite wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page…plus they turned away Batista with the words "you'll never make it in this business" so they weren't all bad.

ANYWHO! The match. Devon Storm takes advantage of the fact that Konnan is a tool and has his back turned as the bell rings…again, by Dropkicking his sorry ass to the outside. He follows up with a Baseball Slide, a chair assisted Plancha from the ring and a Dropkick from the apron…seriously, ROH spot monkeys have NOTHING on this guy. Devon tries to nail Konnan again, this time by placing him on a chair and jumping from the ring steps but K-Dogg catches him and plants him with a sick Powerbomb on the concrete. Both men apparently decided to throw psychology out the window before the match as they do a sequence of flip floppity things which included a few nice moves, but no build whatsoever. Konnan slows things down and locks Devon Storm in a leg lock…which then bores the producers enough to show today's mega star in attendance. This time, it's George Steinbrenner. Now my incredible lack of knowledge on American sporting legends prevents me from giving a damn, but he looked sort of confused…yet fuzzy…yes, I did in fact use the word fuzzy as he at one point almost looked like he was curling up with a good book next to the fireplace…….okaaay, since we've taken a completely weird, awkward and slightly disturbing direction, let's just jump to the finish shall we as Konnan counters a Top Rope Hurricanrana attempt into another crunching Powerbomb for the 3 count.

WINNER: Konnan

Up next we have the Hogan ego stroke of the night HOWEVER first let's take a look at what brilliant movie TNT offer their viewers after tonight's wrestling show. CHAINED HEAT 2!:

 A sequel to a film apparently about a women's prison and all sorts of sexy/violent shenanigans going on in there…however when you choose to cast FUCKING Brigitte Nielsen in a film supposedly involving hot girl on girl action as your main attraction…I think I'm gonna pass.

Reading a quick review on IMDB (where it scores a fantastic rating of 1.9 by the way) also reveals that it features…and I quote…a Shakespeare quoting transvestite named "Bobo"…riiight, I'm beginning to feel lucky that the worst thing about WCW is Hogan right now…and speak of the devil.

Arn Anderson w/Woman Vs Hulk Hogan

Hogan is still wearing that spiffy eye patch from the heel attack a week ago. It doesn't seem to hinder him in any way though (except making him look, if possible, even sillier) as he starts off by taking the offence to Arn with…well, punches, what did you expect? Flying Headscissors? Planchas? Innovative varied offence? Pfft, you should know better. Hogan rakes the back of Arn (uuuh, he changed it up a little) before Arn rolls to the outside and hits a quick kick to the Hulkster before going for what appears to be a Piledriver on the concrete. Hogan of course counters it by catapulting the Enforcer into the steel post instead. Heenan goes on a rather amusing rant about Hogan which he finishes off with saying "I'm sick of Hogan", and well, you and me both BRUTHER! Hogan is absolutely destroying Arn at this point giving no offence at all as we get another shot at a laughing George Steinbrenner who the turns to the man sitting next to him and asks who that "orange, bald fella" is. Arn finally drops Hogan with an elbow and then decides to take a page out of Ric Flair's playbook…sadly for Arn it was the page containing "how to crawl to the top rope and get caught and thrown off by your opponent", not exactly a bestseller. Ric Flair & Miss Elizabeth make their way out to the ring as Arn hilariously hits a Spinebuster and then motions that it is all over…you know…despite that being pretty much the first move of his being hit all evening. Hogan of course kicks out and Hulks Up and after a little Flair strut he locks him in the Figure-4 Leg Lock. This finally pushes Flair over the edge as he enters the ring and…gets rolled up in a cradle!? What the hell!? Hogan lets go and both men get back to their feet as Woman is filling her hand with white powder. Which Hogan amusingly walks right into, thus of course aggravating his eye injury as he was stupid enough to pull off the patch earlier on in the match. Hogan stumbles across the ring only to get nailed by Arn with Elizabeth's high heeled shoe in the other high. This is officially one of the funniest matches…EVER! Arn covers him and gets the 3 count…!

WINNER: Arn Anderson (!)

Steve McMichael almost blows up in outrage as he talks about how it's apparently much worse to screw over Hogan than Macho Man. Hulk of course won't lose a match lightly as he gets up and kicks both Flair's and Arn's asses before Savage runs out to assist him in beating them up a little more. Savage nails Flair with a chair before the Horsemen retreat to the commentary booth. Flair and Arn both taunts Hogan for awhile before he and Savage runs them off and bullies Heenan for some reason. Hogan challenges Arn for another match…and accepts the challenge himself? Wow, if he can do that why doesn't he just challenge for the World Title all the time? Anywho! That was tonight's show.

WCW – Aaah, Good Times: Arn winning over Hogan was nice although Hulk'll prolly take his win back next week. Loch Ness is funny as hell.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!?: Well the wrestling itself was poor. No one really cared about the two matches in the middle. No new storylines really either so…a decidedly blah show.

Well, until next time, I'm Esben Evans! And you're reading T…W…F, the NEW face of professional wrestling…and what a truly handsome face it is *cough*


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).