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WCW NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS

BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: February 5th, 1996
Location: They never told me…I feel so ripped off!

Well tonight is the hard sell for the Superbrawl Pay-Per-View (which I by the way will cover, YAY ME!), but knowing WCW we probably won't have any clearer picture about who the hell will be on the show and who they'll be facing. I mean the only thing I know about Superbrawl at this point is that it will feature some kind of double cage match, which I think will be focused around the World Title, BUT I have no idea who'll be in it or pretty much what else is on the card so tonight better be one hell of a sell. Tonight we will have Randy Savage Vs Chris Ben0it, which could be very good actually. They talk about Hogan's bad eye and his new piratey look as well as his chances in the double cage match on Sunday (AHA! So Hogan will be in it…don't know why I sound so surprised really). OH MY FUCKING GOD! I know Mongo likes to bring out his dog and dress it up, but this is just ridiculous...
 Ric Flair will face Marcus Bagwell tonight (oh goody?) and the Tag Team Titles are on the line as Sting & Luger will face the Legion of Doom…or the Road Warriors, dunno what they call them here in WCW and the announcers are seemingly in doubt as well so…screw it. You can't really be surprised that WCW went out of business as they could've easily built this match up to be a solid Pay-Per-View draw…but then again, I'm pretty sure no one would know that the match was even on the card. ANYWHO, we have our first match of the evening.

Randy Savage w/ Woman & Miss Elizabeth Vs Chris Benoit, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Apparently the title will be on the line in this one, so…yeah, I think we all know how this match is going to end. The match gets underway with what appears to be a mixture of hugging and waltzing between the two men, which looks sort of awkward, but Ben0it gains the upper hand as the referee does the whole "separate the two men in the corner so the heel can punch and I can act surprised that it actually happened despite me being a complete tool for being the instigating factor in the entire mess"…spot. Crippler throws Savage to the outside (don't worry people, it was THROUGH the ropes) and beats him into the guardrail before rolling him back inside. Back in the ring, Ben0it keeps the momentum going with chops and a Snap Suplex as every attempt Macho Man makes to come back into the match is swatted away. Crippler hits a Scoop Slam and a massive Flying Headbutt but Savage rolls under the ropes before he can make the cover. Ben0it hits a Back Suplex for a 2 count (which by the way was one of the worst counts by a referee I have ever seen, and despite my incredible nerdy knowledge surrounding WCW referees, I have no idea who this dude is) and explains why he wasn't pushed more during his WCW tenure as he hits a Leg Drop (THAT'S MY MOVE BROTHER!), and he doesn't even pin him, that would've been a win right there, I think more people have kicked out of the Pedigree than the freaking Leg Drop (kinda fucked up really, if you think about it). Aaaanywho, Crippler hits a Backbreaker and holds Savage on his knee to stretch out his back some more until Macho rakes his eyes to escape. Savage looks to turn the tide as he out of nowhere manages to throw Crippler to the outside (THROUGH the ropes, dammit!) only to get throw into the turnbuckle post…which he then back in the ring no sells and begins going on the offence with a Clothesline. Woman jumps onto the apron all of a sudden to distract the referee and Ben0it gets the advantage…or whatever, by Back Body Dropping Savage to the outside (OVER the top rope, COME ON REF!). Ben0it then takes a nasty spill as he goes for a Tope to the outside but eating nothing but hard floor as Macho Man gets out of the way. Savage rolls him back in the ring and hits the Flying Elbow but Ric Flair comes out and begins to get in Elizabeth's face which of course results in Savage going after him instead. Flair shields behind Elizabeth as Woman sneaks up behind Savage and (SWERVE!) chokes him with a scarf or something which allows Flair and Arn Anderson to get the sneak attack in.

WINNER: Randy Savage by DQ

After the match, Arn and Flair continues to beat down Savage while Woman does the standard evil laugh of a true villain before Hogan comes out with a chair (but sans the hilarious eye patch) for the save, hitting both Ben0it and Arn in the progress, but not Flair who bolted out of the ring. The heels all back up the ramp laughing as the resident PI, "Mean" Gene Okerlund, makes his way out to talk to Hogan. He asks what is going on but Hulk blows him off by saying that Savage is hurt as EMTs come out and stretchers the champion away. Hulk begins to talk about having to stop Flair when suddenly Ric comes up from behind and despite Elizabeth and Okerlund having a clear view at him for about 5 seconds before he attacks they didn't really do anything other than look hilariously distraught after he's attacked. It's like when you see someone in the distance hit a golf ball and you can see it being right on course to hit your friend in a few seconds but you say nothing because you actually think it would look kinda funny, and then afterwards you may feel a bit guilty, but not really because you were right…it DID look funny…sort of the same here, but not really. ANYWHO! Flair targets the supposedly damaged eye of Hogan as The Giant and Zodiac comes out and just as Hogan begins to fight back, Giant picks up the chair and hits him in the back with it. Just as the Giant is about to hit Hogan again, Zodiac steps in between and begs him not to, but before we can get a decision by the big man, Savage runs out and chases off the heels. Macho Man says that Savage and Flair in a cage can not be shown on TV (good thing for my trusted computer then…hey, where did that tumbleweed come from!?) before accusing Elizabeth of not warning Hogan while Okerlund says she tried to…well, if that's true I can never look at another completely static human being again without the fear of getting blindsided. I forgot to mention that Bischoff established that it is going to be Savage Vs Hogan Vs Flair Vs The Giant in that double cage at Superbrawl, so yeah…FINALLY I know at least ONE match on that damn show (Note to self after having watched the entire show:…no you don't). We go to commercials as they call for some more medics to come out.

Kevin Sullivan & Hugh Morrus w/Jimmy Hart Vs Arn Anderson & Brian Pillman

We see footage from last week where the seeds were planted for this match as Sullivan & Morrus (sounds like a law firm) for some reason jumped Arn & Pillman (sounds like a tow truck company) despite them having a truce. This is where everything becomes a bit complicated. Sullivan & Morrus are affiliated with The Giant & Jimmy Hart, who are both affiliated with Ric Flair, who are affiliated with Arn & Pillman…so basically what I'm trying to say is…what the fuck!? Why the hell would people from one faction help people from the opposite faction when people from both factions are feuding with each other?...Damn it, I'm doing it again! I really should try and stop trying to make sense of WCW. Anywho, to the match!

Pillman and Morrus kicks off the match by laughing their asses off. Pillman fakes a tie up which only makes Morrus laugh harder and he continues to do so as Pillman tries to chop him down but to no avail. Morrus reverses an Irish Whip and Press Slams Brian before Arn comes in and gets Press Slammed as well…or he gets sort of lifted in the air and sort of slammed down again, it looks weak to say the least. The Horsemen go to the outside to regroup and Pillman actually acknowledges the camera man by almost pushing him to the ground…well, I guess as long as it is not a backstage segment, everything is a-okay. Pillman re-enters the fray as Sullivan meanwhile has tagged in, and we get match number TWO for Superbrawl as it is revealed that Pillman will face Sullivan in a "Respect Strap Match"…which is a Strap Match where you have to make your opponent say "I respect you" in order to win…or something, it sounds ridiculously convoluted…and to think Vince Russo wasn't even a part of WCW at this point. Well, back in the ring, tags are made in both corners (Pillman almost running away from Sullivan) and Sullivan makes one of those retarded referee distractions allowing Pillman to distract Hugh Morrus long enough for Arn to hit a Spinebuster. The two Horsemen isolate Morrus in the corner and keep him there with quick tags. Arn locks in a Chinlock straight out of Randy Orton's playbook but is eventually almost reversed only to just tag in Pillman in the nick of time for the save and he brings him back to the Horsemen corner before tagging out again. Sullivan runs in and immediately grabs the attention of the referee allowing Arn to throw Morrus to the outside and Pillman to bash him into the railing before jumping back on the apron in a great Huckleberry Finn-like pose. Bischoff talks about how he hates it when you hit a guy and it wakes him up instead of knocks him down, but of course that's bullshit seeing as he has never been in a fight before…and fuck off with that whole Martial Arts black belt shit, it's fucking Eric Bischoff! Morrus finally fights back and walks over for the hot tag…I repeat, he WALKED over…but then again, it's not like people actually care enough for it to be a hot tag, so…I digress. Pillman and Sullivan both lays it into each other hard with fists left and right before Pillman gets hanged upside down in the Tree of Woe and nailed by a Running Knee Strike…which he jumps up and completely no sells and the two roll around fighting and biting each other until Arn pulls Sullivan off and chases to the back where he appears to go for a Piledriver only for someone behind the curtain to hit him with a broom…yeah, that really looked like it hurt *cough*…I know, I think it's time for a MEGA SLO-MO GIF! (without the slo-mo apparently this week) . Sullivan re-enters the ring with a strap in his hand and…well, that's apparently enough for a DQ!?

WINNERS: Arn Anderson & Brian Pillman by DQ

After the match, Hugh Morrus hits a No Laughing Matter (Moonsault) and Sullivan begins to whip the shit out of Pillman…for at least a few seconds before he escapes, well so much for Morrus restraining him. I never really got why Sullivan felt like he had to paint his face like that by the way, looks like a retarded 7 year old painted him in the face with a piece of charcoal.
 We go to commercials…probably for something like Karate Fighter, the most ridiculous piece of toy ever! I mean picture this, two pieces of plastic twirling…AND THAT'S IT! I work at a fucking Toys 'R' Us and I would have a hard time finding anything remotely reaching that level of stupidity…well maybe with that exception of the piece of plastic that you throw into the ground and then it jumps once, and then you either repeat that or you throw it at your parents for buying that piece of crap in the first place...anywho, after that little rant, I think we're ready for some entertainment…sadly all we get is Marcus Bagwell, go figure.

Marcus Bagwell Vs Ric Flair w/Woman

Aaaah, the 90s! A time where you could look like this and apparently not only NOT be considered gay, but actually be considered as quite the ladies man…then again, Ric Flair wears a feathered rope so it is not like he's THAT much better.
Paul Orndorff (remember him?) comes out to the announcing table and says that the funny thing about payback is that you never know when it comes…and then leaves. Best…promo…ever! Heenan thinks that it was Orndorff who hit Arn with the broom earlier. The announcers then begin to make the lamest broom jokes ever known to man ("sweeping him off his feet", "cleaning house" etc.) before we go to commercials again...and yes chances are that I am just being jealous at the announcers for telling them before I got a chance to.

We're back and we're told that Macho Man has apparently taken Hogan to the hospital. Well I've got to say that when Hulk finally sells, he sells it hard! Bagwell, after starting off slow, takes control of the match early on by throwing Clotheslines left and right, even sending him over the top rope (but not a DQ since…errm…he didn't do it on purpose?) and then Clotheslining him on the floor as well (mixed moveset ftw!). Flair gets a cheap shot in when the referee (SURPRISE!) steps in between the two, but Bagwell retaliates each chop in the corner with a right hand of his own and eventually backs Flair himself into the corner and really lays it on him (NOT LIKE THAT YOU SICK FUCK!). Bagwell hits a hard right hand for a 2 count, a dropkick also for 2 before going missing another Dropkick to lose momentum. Seriously his offence has at this point consisted by Clotheslines, Punches, Dropkicks and a single Back Body Drop…well considering what he must've done to get a job, his gimmick suddenly makes all that much more sense. Anywho, Flair goes for the Figure-4 but is countered into a cradle for 2 before a confusing Irish Whip sequence that contains a bunch of dodges before Bagwell mysteriously sort of flops over the top rope. Woman distracts the ref as Flair goes outside and kicks Bagwell in the head (so THAT'S where Orton got it from) although I can't really see the big point in the ref having to be distracted for that. Back in the ring Flair hits a Knee Drop and they then do the exact same corner spot (chop/punch retaliation) from before and Bagwell once again fights back only to catch a boot in the corner. Flair follows up by…climbing the turnbuckle and getting thrown off for a 2 count. Bagwell then actually hits a nice move as he hits a Floatover Superplex for another 2 count before trying to hit a Slingshot Splash from the apron only to catch nothing but knees. Bischoff says that Bagwell has been taking a pounding (sometimes this shit just writes itself) as Flair locks in the Figure-4 Leg Lock for the tap out victory.

WINNER: Ric Flair

After the match the referee tries to make Flair release the hold but Flair unceremoniously decks him with a right hand instead and keeps the hold locked in until Randy Savage runs out to chase him away.

Well it is that time in my recap where I will look at what non-wrestling goodness that TNT have to offer after the show, and tonight we have the movie "Crash Course" () and according to Bischoff this is an action film about a high school student's first car…riveting stuff indeed, and it is starring a young Alyssa Milano (which means, sadly, that it won't feature her excellent rack) and Harvey Korman (who apparently was in "Blazing Saddles" which automatically gives him my stamp of approval).


Sting & Lex Luger Vs The Road Warriors (or Roadwarriors if we are to trust WCW…but then again, I think not), WCW World Tag Team Title Match

A big "LOD" chant as Sting and Animal opens up the contest with the latter showing his strength advantage by pushing Sting to the ground. Sting however uses his quickness to dodge an Elbow Drop and hit a Top Rope Flying Clothesline for 2. Luger and Hawk tags in and Lex quickly hit a Piledriver which is shot from quite a dumb angle as it reveals that there was no impact between Hawk and the canvas, which makes his "Piledriver no selling" spot that much less impressive, although credit to the announcers for calling that it didn't connect. Hawk takes control and forces Luger to tag in Sting who immediately gets hammered a bit and then squashed by a Corner Clothesline, only for Sting to right after turn the tide with a Stinger Splash. He tries to lock in the Deathlock, but Animal hits him in the back with a Double Axe Handle before tagging himself in. Animal looks to gain control until Luger pulls down the top rope and sends him flying over the top rope which the announcers of course don't condone. That's the kind of announcing that actually pisses me off big time, JBL had a great way of doing things as he called it like it was without hanging too much to whether it was a heel or a face doing things, I mean however you see it, it was a good tag team move by Luger. Lex tags in and begins to work over the back of Animal and hits a trifecta of Elbow Drops for a…ermm…I dunno actually as the screen freezes with the Nitro sign and then cuts back when Luger is squashing Animal in the corner, apparently the entire building lost power which Bischoff and Mongo hilariously tries to play off as a ploy by W.W.F. to sabotage their show…you have Lex Luger in the Main Event, I think you're doing a pretty good job yourself. In the ring, Sting has a Front Face Lock singed in on Animal, who begins to fight back but Luger tags in and hits a Powerslam before signalling for the Rack, but Animal hits a Back Suplex and covers only for Sting to break it up. Hawk attacks Sting and the two begins to fight on the outside as they draw the attention with them. Animal is gaining control but Jimmy Hart makes his way out and drops a big lead plate at ringside which Luger picks up and hits Animal in the back with after Hart distracts him. Luger covers him and the referee hilariously doesn't bother entering the ring again but instead leans under the rope and counts the 3.


WINNERS: Sting & Lex Luger

Sting is for some reason not happy after the match despite the fact that he shouldn't have a clue what just happened, lighten the fuck up dude. "Mean" Gene are standing by with the losers in the ring and they demand another title match against either Sting & Luger or Harlem Heat (a Superbrawl match? Who the fuck knows!). We go back to the announcers and…well, apparently it is Flair Vs Savage, and Giant Vs Hogan and not a 4 way match at Superbrawl…which just shows how much I know about that damn card! Apparently they meant two cage matches and not A double cage match…fuck them. Fade to black.

WCW – Aaah, Good Times: Well decent opener AND Hogan getting his ass kicked

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!: SHILL THE GOD DAMN CARD PROPERLY! I have almost no clue who is wrestling who at the Pay-Per-View, throw a freaking graphic up on the screen, or run down the card verbally, I don't care how!

Well until next time (Superbrawl, bitches!), I'm Esben Evans and that is all folks!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).