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WCW NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hey, and welcome to another edition of the column that is setting new standards on how to hate Hulk Hogan's backstage tomfooleries, it is…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: January 29th, 1996
Location: Canton, OH (wtf!?)

Apparently the home of the American Football Hall of Fame, we are live from Canton, Ohio just 6 days after the Clash of Champions for another edition of Nitro, which Bischoff claims to be perhaps the most exciting Nitro ever as Randy Savage faces The Giant for the World Title in tonight's main event. Wait, they're actually making this the last match of the evening!? Hogan isn't wrestling some random douche from the Dungeon of Doom tonight!? Wait, Hogan is actually wrestling Flair and he's still NOT in the main event!? What is this, the Twilight Zone!? The Road Warriors made their debut at the Clash and apparently had some kind of confrontation with Sting & Luger, and tonight Sherri & Madusa will face each other (gooooooo APATHY!). ANYWHO, let's get on with the first match of the evening!

Ric Flair w/Jimmy Hart Vs Hulk Hogan w/ throng of women including Woman (god that sounds retarded) & Miss Elizabeth

HOGAN IS CURTAIN JERKING!? OH MY FUCKING GOD! Eric Bischoff congratulates the Dallas Cowboys for winning the Super Bowl and then hilariously congratulates the Steelers on losing. Congrats on actually getting on the pitch you guys, WAY TO GO!

Anywho, Hogan is coming out with the same girls that Savage came out with last week. Sharing is caring, BRUTHER! Miss Elizabeth looks hot by the way, I'd definitely hit that…I mean if she hadn't died and all, that Torture Rack sure is LETHAL. Bad taste aside; I have a match to recap. Flair goes for the lock up, but yeah, he's facing Hogan so of course he ends flat on his face via a push. So what do you do in that situation? Well by golly you try again…and again. Flair finally succeeds in something as he fakes another lock up attempt only to deliver a boot to the gut…and then follow it up by making another classic mistake as he chops Hogan in the corner and this of course does nothing more than getting his ass kicked. Hogan pretty much no sells everything until referee Nick Patrick stops his corner attack and draws his attention, which then allows Flair to Chop Block him twice as we go to commercials.

We are back and holy fuck! Hogan is selling Flair's offence! What the hell is up with that guy today!? He makes it hard to hate him as much as I normally would, though I'm sure he'll make something in the end of this one to fully justify me hating his guts again. Flair methodically works over Hulk's leg until he for some reason decides to go to the top rope, and well…yeah…but despite Hogan firing back in control he actually still sells his leg, which is just…wow. Flair fights back and hits a Knee Drop and…there goes the selling as Hogan stands up and absolutely runs Flair over with a Clothesline. Bischoff starts talking about how big an inspiration that Elizabeth is for Hogan, but seriously she does absolutely nothing than just standing there, looking hot. I bet she's good at relieving some stress and pressure though before the match, so…point taken Eric, point taken. Holy shit there is a lot of fans wearing tear away Hogan T-Shirts tonight! I always thought that it would be a pretty sweet thing to do in an argument with someone. Just as they look like they're winning, you just tear off your shirt and they'll be so baffled and/or repulsed by it that you can easily pick up the win…ermm…sorry, the match.

Hart finds the opportunity to choke Hogan with some sort of cloth on the outside and once again the Nature Boy regains control as he and Hart takes turns in distracting the ref and kicking Hulk down. Flair once again works over the leg to try and remind Hogan to fucking continue to sell it this time before he locks in the Figure 4- Leg Lock. After a brief while Hogan reverses it and then immediately afterwards blocks a Suplex attempt to hit one of his own. Mongo shows his stupidity by seriously claiming it to be incredible that Hogan reversed the Figure 4 and asks Bischoff how many guys he has seen do that. Eric tries to save it by saying not many, although in reality it almost happens every damn week. Hogan almost fights back again but is caught short by Flair who hits an elbow to send him to the mat again. Flair hits a Back Suplex and goes for the pin only for Hogan to make his final Hulk Up…you know, the one with the 3 punches, the finger pointing, the big boot and leg drop. This time however Arn comes out and him and Hart distracts the referee and takes one of Elizabeth's shoes and slips it to Ric who nails Hulk and gets the pin…wait, the hell!?

WINNER: Ric Flair (!!)

Savage and Elizabeth both check up on Hogan who is clutching his eye. Here's to hoping that he'll get a patch and adopt a pirate gimmick. SHIVER ME TIMBERS DUDE! YAAAARRGGHH BROTHER!

The Road Warriors…or Legion of Doom…whatever Vs The Faces of Fear

If you want the definition of what a hoss is, you really just have to watch these four wrestlers. Superbrawl VI is going to be held in just a few weeks from this point, and I can happily (?) say that I will indeed recap this pay-per-view as well, just like I did with Starrcade. Let's hope this is better built up, although I sincerely doubt it.

Animal and the Barbarian starts off this match and the Barbarian actually dominates early on until Animal hits a Powerslam and an Elbow Drop prompting Meng to tag in quickly followed by Hawk doing the same. I can actually understand why the LOD seems so angry, I mean I would be pissed as well had my barber fucked up my haircut THAT bad. Especially Animal's, I mean good grief who the hell came up with that shaved head/mullet combo idea!? 
 
 Hawk's hairdo more resembles that of a 10 year old kid whose mom accidentally used the wrong kind of razor, look how sad he even looks!
 I'm actually speaking of bitter experience on that one. Meng opens brightly as he takes the offence to Hawk with hard forearms when all of a sudden Hawk makes even Hogan look good as he no sells a PILEDRIVER by simply jumping back to his feet…I actually think he got to his feet quicker than Meng himself, let's see that again in an ULRA SLO-MO GIF!
 Hawk then follows that up with a Powerslam and a Fist Drop before tagging in Animal who almost immediately gets brought down by some nifty team work as the Barbarian kicks him in his (apparently) weak back. A tag and a Double Headbutt from the Faces of Fear almost gets a 3 count as they keep on working over Animal's back with Backbreakers and hard strikes. Meng tags in and locks in a Camel Clutch before releasing it and kicking Animal in the back again. Did you guys know that Meng is now working as a car salesman? You can't say no to his deals or else he'll lock you in the Tongan Death Grip (similar to the Vulcan Nerve Pinch or whatever that thing Mr. Spock did was called). Where am I going with this story? Nowhere really. Meng pushes Animal to the outside where Barbarian sends him into the barricade. This seems to go on forever until Animal catches Barbarian coming off the top rope with a big Clothesline (actually in the second attempt since they botched it the first time and just sorta collided with each other). The hot tag follows and after clearing the ring, Animal catches Barbarian on the top rope trying to Superplex Hawk and they look to hit the Doomsday Device but Meng pushes Hawk off the turnbuckle to the mat. Barbarian then tries to Powerbomb Animal but Hawk climbs the top rope again and then hits a Flying Clothesline for the 3 count.

WINNERS: The Legion of Doom…or Road Warriors…whatever…

Sort of an awkward finish there, I think they should have just finished it with the Device when they had the chance but whatever. "Mean" Gene is in the ring for an interview with Kevin Sullivan and Hugh Morrus asking what's up this week. I would love it if Sullivan had just said "meh, not much" but of course something is up. Sullivan talks about how pissed he is at Pillman while Hugh Morrus just stands there laughing his ass of (Hugh Morrus = Humorous…get it? Huh?). Pillman and Arn comes out and Arn agrees with Sullivan as he tells Pillman that he needs to behave properly and that he needs to be shown some tough love. Just as he takes off his belt to prove this to Pillman, he gets jumped by Sullivan and Morrus while Pillman escapes out of the ring and hides behind the apron. Sullivan however grabs the belt and follows after Pillman and begins whipping him until Arn, who hits the DDT on Morrus in the ring, makes the save and chases him off. They both re-enter the ring to resume the interview with Okerlund, who seems as disorientated as ever. Arn demands a match with Sullivan and says that if he doesn't get it there'll be a bloodbath in the dressing room (cue to Gangrel waiting patiently in a corner backstage). Pillman says that he got them into this mess and he'll get them out as we cut to commercials.

We cut back to the ring where Okerlund is once again standing by, this time with Sensational Sherri. Now I didn't see the Clash of the Champions but it looks like the wedding went bad (My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father!WTFBBQ!?) as Colonel Parker had boinked Madusa or something like that, I dunno, don't really care either. The interview is interrupted, after we're shown footage of Sherri and Madusa fighting last Tuesday night, by Madusa herself who hits a top rope Crossbody to kick off the match.

Sensational Sherri Vs Madusa

Sherri is wearing a dress to this match which perhaps shows just how capable a wrestler she is. This match is short and thank god for that as I'm just gonna skip to the end where Sherri reverses another Flying Cross Body into a roll-up of sorts for the win.

WINNER: Sensational Sherri

So much for being a former Those Panda Fuckers Women's Champion. Madusa however destroys Sherri with an awesome looking German Suplex after the match and lays her out cold by hammering her head repeatedly into the mat. Very nicely executed angle actually, just a shame I don't really care about either one of them. So before the main event, what is tonight's movie on TNT you ask? Well it is this classic Cobra starring Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen
(you know…the one who Flavor Flav tried to tap in that reality show…and who's actually Danish...I can't tell you all how sorry I am for that) about a cop on the trail of a serial killer and instead of using real detective work…he has an array of guns and a bad temper (probably, it IS Stallone we're talking about here). Aaaaanywho, on to tonight's Main Event.

Randy Savage w/ Same group of girls as Hogan Vs The Giant w/ no one…LONELY, I AM SO LONELY *ahem*, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Randy Savage enters the ring behind the Giant and hits him with the belt. The referee calls for the bell. I sit here a bit confused.

WINNER: The Giant by DQ…I guess

Savage locks in a sleeper hold on the Giant, but Flair comes out and nails Savage with a chair repeatedly before delivering him to the irate Giant who Suplex Macho Man back in the ring. A series of Backbreakers and a Chokeslam later and Savage is out and THEN Hogan decides to help him out as he storms to the ring with a chair and one of the funniest looking bandages of all time. Just look at it!
Anywho, Hogan destroys the entire Dungeon of Doom who tries to come out and…well get destroyed by the looks of it, as they simply comes out and stands perfectly still for Hogan to hit them with that chair. Flair goes up to the announcer's table along with the Giant and Jimmy Hart as they talk about a double cage match at Superbrawl (which I don't really have a clue about) before breaking down completely and just sitting screaming "SUPERBRAWL! SUPERBRAWL! WCW! WOOOOOOOO!" before claiming he'll get the title again as we go off the air watching Savage get helped to the back by Hogan and the referee.

WCW – Aaaah, good times: Surprisingly enough, the opening match. Solid showing from both Hogan and Flair for the bigger part of the match, though I hate all that Hulk Up crap that he does every damn time. The Madusa/Sherri beatdown looked great. Hogan's bandages were awesome as well.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Weird decision by Sullivan to turn on Arn. Crappy women's match. Bullshit bait & switch Main Event, and Hogan going all Superman in the end was bullshit as well.

Not bad, not good, a bit weird. Well until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all folks!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).