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WCW NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS
BY ESBEN EVANS

Hello and welcome to another edition of the recap solely behind clogging up Sean's e-mail, it is…

WCW Old School Recap of Complete Awesomeness!

Date: January 22nd, 1996
Location: Las Vegas, NV

We're live (what? My feed is just lagging a bit) from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and we're just 24 hours before the big Clash of Champions, which I will NOT recap by the way since I couldn't get a hold of it, and boy am I sorry, I mean I really looked forward to seeing the much anticipated union of Colonel Parker and Sensational Sherri (I'm not even kidding, they actually used that as a hard sell for tuning in). Tonight we have 2 title matches, Ric Flair Vs Savage for the World Title, and Harlem Heat Vs Sting & Luger for the Tag Team Titles (YAY!) and on top of that, we have Hulk Hogan Vs One Man Gang (…yay?). Holy fuck that's KONNAN! He's apparently the Mexican Heavyweight Champion and he's in WCW to defend that at the Clash against Psychosis. Sadly the title is not made out of cardboard or a hubcap which I thought originally. Damn you Konnan for shattering my dreams.
Aaaanywho, let's get on with the action.

Ric Flair © w/Jimmy Hart Vs Randy Savage, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Ooookaaaay? So we're apparently gonna start with the World Title match to probably leave room for Hogan in the Main Event once again, because lord knows a random match with Hogan is more important than the fucking World Title. Randy Savage is going all pimp as a horde of girls escort him to ringside. Well with that outfit I guess it was just a matter of time really. Okerlund is out to get the lowdown before he enters the ring. Savage begins to talk, but the crowd reaction was apparently too great as it beacons Hulk Hogan who waddles out to hog the spotlight. Hogan says Savage can't lose and wishes him luck, only to then call dibs on the first title shot. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, worst…friend…ever! One of the women is Woman by the way…and yeah, I can almost here the collective "Duh!" ringing but someone really thought that would be a good ring name. Woman was of course Nancy Ben-oit who used to manage Flair, INTRIGUE!. Bischoff reveals that the big surprise that Hogan & Savage had for the Clash (apparently they had one, first I've heard about it) is that Miss Elizabeth will join them against Flair & The Giant, and on top of that, Kevin Greene (random former NFL dude) will watch their backs as well.

Before the match gets going, Flair approaches Woman and tries to get a kiss, he of course gets bitchslapped for his troubles (I should really make this a weekly theme). I think this calls for a ULTRA SLO-MO GIF!
 
Anywho, Savage attacks Flair right after to kick off the bout, and despite Flair's attempts to get back, Savage dominates the early goings. The Road Warriors will make their return at the Clash as well, holy shit that show is STACKED with all kinds of goodness that I'll sadly miss >_>. Ah, I kid, the Road Warriors weren't that bad. GOD DAMN IT! They just went for that ridiculous "throw face over the top rope behind the ref's back" spot again. It's probably the most non-sensical thing ever. "Why?" you ask? Because if he just threw him BETWEEN the ropes, there would be no DQ. Of course then they wouldn't generate the TON of heel heat that this dastardly tactic does *cough*. Jimmy Hart kicks Savage in the gut and…wait a minute…what the fuck!? This was EXACLY the same thing that happened in the World Title match LAST week! Should I start to re-use the same jokes as well!!? (Well chances are that I already have, so I guess that's a moot point). ANYWHO, back to the match. Savage and Flair exchanges pleasantries on the floor which ends with Savage missing a Double Axe Handle from the top rope and crashing into the guard rail on the stroke of commercial time.

Back for commercial and almost as if the wrestlers new that, Savage starts to mount his big comeback. I just noticed something completely different though, there's not a single sign in the crowd. Now being used to seeing the most retarded crowd signs week in and week out, this is actually a pretty eerie visual.
 Flair kicks Savage in the nether region after the Ref (yes, it IS retardo ref from the Savage Vs Luger match from last week…Randy Anderson by the way, and don't ask me why I pretty much know the name of every referee in WCW from 95 till they closed) does the whole "break this up" shtick in the corner. Flair capitalizes on this by…ermm…Flair flopping to the mat. Savage hilariously goes for the pin (someone really oughtta defeat him this way some day) but Flair kicks out and after a bit gets the Shinbreaker/Figure 4-Leg Lock combo. After the ref catches Flair using the ropes, he physically pulls him off by the hair. This is one fucked up referee. Savage gets back into things after Flair goes to the top rope, and he nails him with two Top Rope Double Axe Handles. He's about to go for the elbow when Hart distracts the referee, prompting Macho Man to target him instead. Arn Anderson runs down and Flair holds Savage for Arn to hit with the infamous Brass Knuckles only for Savage to duck and Hogan to run down and tackle Arn. Savage hits the Elbow as the bell rings, but for some reason the pin is counted and Savage gets the win. Good match.

WINNER, and NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Randy Savage

Gene comes in to interview Hogan and Savage as Hulk celebrates like he just won the title himself. Macho Man demands the music to be cut and Hogan looks a bit weirded out. Savage calls what I just did and feels offended by Hogan celebrating. Hogan says he helped Macho win the match, which I'll have to disagree with since he basically did nothing but come out and restrain Arn AFTER Flair had got knocked out. Hogan once again asks for the first shot at the title. Savage rambles a bit but basically says that he can't decide anything since he's only the champ, but he wants Hogan tonight. Savage says that if Hogan wins their match (which they continue to claim will happen tonight…I think) Savage will shake his hand, but he demands Hogan to do the same if Savage wins. They come to an agreement and both say "OOOH YEEAH!" (or Macho actually said "DOUBLE OOOH YEEAAAH!" since he didn't wanna be outdone by Hulk).

Dean Malenko Vs Brian Pillman

Holy shit if that isn't the gayest shirt ever, I dunno what is. Looks like he raided an 8 year old kid's closet to grab that.
Pillman hides a cane in the ring apron before the match, so expect that to come in play in the end. Malenko goes for the Texas Cloverleaf early after a bit of chain wrestling but Pillman squirms to the ropes before he can fully apply it. Pillman uses most of the time to taunt Malenko and the crowd. He makes the error of slapping Malenko in the face, which of cause results in the Ice Man to explode and beat down Pillman mercilessly. He gets a Brainbuster and a Neckbreaker for two but Pillman soon takes control again with a Tornado DDT. Pillman however once again spends too much time taunting and almost pays the price as gets hit with a Double Underhook Powerbomb for another two count. Pillman again regains control and again loses it when Malenko blocks another Tornado DDT attempt and then follows it up with a Gutbuster and a leg lock of some sort. The finish is extremely weird as Malenko's leg gets caught in the rope and for some reason goes completely unnoticed by the referee who counts the 3. Good match and he didn't even use the cane.

WINNER: Brian Pillman

Harlem Heat w/o Sensational Sherri © Vs Sting & Lex Luger, WCW World Tag Team Title Match

The big question is whether or not Luger knocked out Sting on purpose last week or not. My opinion on that matter? Nah, I just think Luger is a complete douche…either that or Sting is the most gullible person in the world. I mean Luger could bang Sting's wife in front of him and he would believe Lex when he says it was an accident. On with the match as Luger burns through his energy quicker than he burns through a glass of steroids as he lays it into both Stevie Ray and Booker T before tagging in Sting who Stinger Splash both opponents twice before going for the Scorpion Deathlock on Stevie Ray. Now this is where Luger being a douche kicks in as he enters the ring for no god damn reason and starts to distract the referee, which allows Booker T to hit a sweet Axe Kick on Sting. Man, the announcers are gonna have a field day on this one. This allows Harlem Heat to begin the demolishing as Stevie Ray hits a brutal Clothesline followed up by Booker T's Harlem Side Kick. Sting tries to gain some offence but is cut down with a Top Rope Bulldog of sorts which gets 2. Sting shows his spirit as he explodes in Heat's corner and tries to fight both of them alone but it ends with Booker T (now the illegal man) snapping his neck across the Top Rope. This for like the fourth time prompts Luger to enter the ring and get stopped by the referee thus allowing Harlem Heat to cheat, which I actually think is a nice touch to the storytelling of the match (despite showing how big a retard the man really is) and FINALLY the announcers begin with all that "did Luger did that on purpose!?" shit. Stevie Ray applies a weak looking nerve hold which almost puts Sting out, but he fights back only to get cut down again as Booker T gets tagged in. Harlem Heat hits a Double Front Suplex and Booker T goes for the Harlem Hangover but crashes and burns. Sting finally makes the tag but Stevie Ray distracted the referee so he of course didn't see it. God I miss good tag team wrestling like this. Jimmy Hart comes out and hands Luger something as Booker T and Sting collides in mid air. This enables Sting to get the hot tag, and one Silver dollar loaded punch later (again, the referee being completely oblivious to what goes on as he fails to notice them lying on the mat afterwards) and we have new champions. Holy shit, 3 good matches in a row!

WINNERS, and NEW WCW World Tag Team Champions: Sting & Lex Luger

Sting seems a bit sceptical about how Luger won the match, but in the end celebrates along with his partner. *sigh* only one thing left on the show and that is of course the Hulk Hogan squash of the week. BUT FIRST! What is the film of the week coming after Nitro, well tonight it is all about American Football (shut up, I'm European so I refuse to call it just football) as we have a Super Bowl Special featuring highlights from past Super Bowls and…ermm…some really gleeful dude with a trophy? 
 
 and that is of course followed up by the Burt Reynolds classic (?) "Semi-Tough" which is sort of a weird title, I mean just look at him! If that's not fully tough, I don't know what is, but apparently the studio only thought he was sort of tough. Of course the title "Tough" wouldn't have been any better. But hey, Carl Weathers is in this movie! So it's okay by me. Holy fuck I'm rambling worse than "Mean" Gene at this point which is a sure sign that I've seen way too much WCW without the proper medication.

Hulk Hogan Vs One Man Gang, Non-Title Match

When the fuck did One Man Gang win the US Title!? And perhaps more importantly, why!? I mean who the fuck cares about One Man Gang!? Anywho, this should be a very close and good match…or not, I mean when I think about it, it probably won't. Hogan dominates the early proceedings…wait, who am I kidding, Hogan pretty much dominates the entire match, only giving One Man Gang a small spell of offence so he can make his patented Hulk Up and hit the Big Boot and the Leg Drop. I kid you not, My excitement is at such pandemonium levels, I'm now yelling aloud the name of our Heavenly father! (holy fuck I didn't even think about that abbreviation) only got a Scoop Slam and a Splash before Hulk finished him off. Fucking MENG! Got more offence than the US Champion did!!

WINNER: Hulk Hogan

After the match Zodiac runs out to try some sort of offence (which basically consisted of him running repeatedly into Hogan's fist) and he's followed by various members of both the Dungeon of Doom and The Four Horsemen. Savage comes out and helps Hulk clean house. Zodiac once again holds back The Giant, keeping him from entering the ring. The heels retreat despite Pillman trying to encourage them to fight now and Gene is now in the ring to get a few last words. Hogan says that he's gonna do what it takes to get a shot at the World Title (a match which for some reason they agree must be wrestled in Las Vegas) and they hype up their tag match tomorrow as well claiming that their secret weapons (or since it is hardly a secret…their weapons?) will be the deciding factor. The announcers shill tomorrow and recap what happened tonight as the show fade to black.

WCW – Aaaah, good times: Very good wrestling tonight. 3 great matches and they managed to keep Hogan short and sweet…or at least short.

WCW – WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING!!!: Well for starters, Hogan shouldn't have been in the Main Event. They should've started with the end and ended with the beginning if it had been up to me. Woman's involvement in the World Title match could've been bigger, and finally I DON'T CARE ABOUT ZODIAC AND HIS APPARENT DESIRE TO BE ANNOYING!!!

Well, that's it for me, hopefully the next episode will be just as good, although it's harder to be funny when it is. Until next time, I'm the Great Dane, and that's all I wrote.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).