TNA LOCKDOWN 

2009

Neil Cathan here, signing in with Lockdown 2009 recap. For those not familiar with the concept, the whole show is steel cage matches, featuring a "Lethal Lockdown" match, that's totally not just Wargames. Because apparently TNA isn't just WCW, only somehow even stupider. Could've fooled me. Apparently Jarrett's loyalty is in question. Didn't Angle basically say "Hey, I stalk your family and shit! And I'm breaking your ankle!" Yeah, Jarrett's on that guy's side. Also: didn't we get the "Whose side is Jarrett on?" storyline last time Jarrett was in this match? Still, I'm damn pleased to see Daniels back. I've missed him, and the company really went to pot with him around. I mean Curry Man and Suicide? Who hired them, huh?

We open the show by seeing the competitors for the headlining acts arrive.Team 3D cut an awesome promo about being in Philadelphia. But I'm kind of a mark of them.  Shitty rap hype video, leads into a fun video for Mick vs Sting and the Lethal Lockdown match. Sting claims to be responsible for "ending Mick's career" at Lockdown. Fucking everyone has claimed that.

X Division Title Match: X-Scape match (Dudes get pinned, until there's two dudes, then the dude tries to run run away. Dude.) Black Machismo vs Kiyoshi vs Consequences Creed vs Racist Gimmick McRacist Gimmick vs Suicide

Suicide appears in the middle of the ring after everyone else has made their entrances. Spotty brawl here.  Kiyoshi has shitty face paint that's already fallen off. Kiyoshi sells a manhattan drop like he's actually just been kneed in the balls. Or, since it never gets a DQ, I guess he hit the other guy's knee with his balls. Pretty stupid, if you ask me. TKO into an elbow drop on Kiyoshi takes him out, where he presumably goes and checks on his make-up in the back. West seems to be a heel announcer. Maybe they just thought they'd roll with the fact that everyone hates that man. Bashir hits Creed with a WMDDT. Their pun, not mine. I still have some pride. I think. It's somewhere in the attic. I could dig it out if I wanted to. Killer lariat from Suicide. Suicide Solution on Lethal. Bashir sneaks in to get the pin. Why? What could the point of that possibly be? It's now down to Suicide and Bashir. Supr back suplex on Bashir. Suicide gets to the top, Bashir follows and they trade shots. Suicide takes Bashir down with a headbutt. Kiyoshi runs in, defeating the point of a cage match entirely, and his run in means nothing, as Suicide wins anyway when he planchas onto Kiyoshi on the outside.

Winner and still X-Division Champion: Suicide

As ever, I will be rating in Pandas, in honour of the company responsible for TNA not going the way of a certain other company that were known for their Philly work.

Decent match, but a bit of a clusterfuck.

Man, they couldn't even keep the retarded run in bullshit away from the first match. In a cage show.

Daniels and Styles cut a generic babyface promo.

"Queen of the cage match" Madison Rayne vs Sojo Bolt vs Daffula vs ODB w/Cody Deaner

Obligatory ODB is a man joke. So the show opened with a mess of a multi man match, and we get tremendous variety here, as we now have a mess of a multi woman match. See, it's not just all the same. honest. Philly fans are silent. Either they're failing to live up to reputation, or this show has failed to make them care. So far, I'm kind of joining them in apathy. Nothing actually interesting to report in this match. The main contest is me trying to finish a quick jerk before ODB appears on the scree and kills my stiffy. Finish comes slightly before I do, as ODB sprays one of them with booze, and powerslams them for three.

Winner: ODB

Division feels weak since Kim left.

Jeff Jarrett arrives.

IWGP Jnr. Heavyweight Tag Title Match: No Limit vs L.A.X. vs Motor City Machine Guns

I missed L.A.X. Start off  with a general 6 man brawl, before the highspots start. Shelley hits that dropkick he loves on one of No Limit. He loves it so much he does it twice. Once again, all 6 guys i the ring at once, so once again, multi person mess. Sabin dodges Hernandez's Border Toss, and hits a bunch of kicks in quick succession. Sick spot sees Sabin go for a jumpy move, and Hernandez shoves him in mid air, spiking him into the cage with huge force, as Sabin bounces off it. Tenay calls it a shoulderblock. *sigh* Hernandez suplexes both Guns. Tenay also miss calls this. I hate Tenay and West so very, very much. L.A.X hit the backbreaker/legdrop combo on one of No Limit. They all look the same to me! Either that, or the announcers insist on never telling me their names. Fuckers. Shelley and Homicide trade shots on the ropes. Shelley drops down, and Sabin uses him for poetry in motion, which crushes Homicide against the cage. Tornado DDT on Homicide by Sabin. Half of No Limit is put in a DDT position against the ropes and cage while Homicide legdrops him. Hernandez belly to bellies Sabin into the cage, in the first moment to really pop to crowd. Hernandez Bordertosses Shelley into the cage. Naito (Finally! A name!) stiff powerslams Homicide. Looked really crisp. Yujiro misses the diving headbutt of uncomfortable-to-watch-since-it-apparently-helped-cause-the-head-trauma-to-Benoit. No word on whether he goes home and murders his family and himself. Doomsday Cutter on Yujiro. Awesome. MCMG interrupt with a bunch of kicks. Made in Detroit on Yujiro (or maybe Naito) for three.

Winners and still IWGP Jnr. Heavyweight Tag Champions: Motor City Machine Guns

Fun match, that was slightly hurt by being yet another clusterfuck.

West mentions that the Guns should be in the title picture. Why is heel Don West the only guy who makes any sense?

Abyss is backstage with his girlfriend. Wearing a mask and shaking all the time never gets me the girls. What am I doing wrong? Abyss is going to "Take out all his frustrations" on Matt Morgan. Which thanks to Lauren, no longer includes sexual frustration. Lucky Matt.

 "DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOOOD !!!" Match: Matt Morgan vs Abyss

Could they not have found a more ridiculous name for it? Abyss remains somehow still over, despite the booking team's efforts. Apparently, you can't get the pin until the other dude is bleeding. Was "The match is in a freakin' cage" not enough of a gimmick for Russo? Morgan's knees blatantly don't connect, despite Abyss's best efforts to convince us otherwise. Abyss prays in the corner before using a weapon. Remember when the dude was a monster? Before he was scared of weapons and was getting some from a hot blonde babyface? Morgan shows that he's for real legit serious about hurting Abyss by...dropping the chair out of the ring. Abyss is bleeding for some reason. Really shitty dropkick that Tenay sells as "Picture Perfect". Gets two. Bag of glass on the mat, and we get the exciting spot where Morgan holds Abyss's head over it like you would with a dog that had shit in the house. "We Want Stevie" chant starts off. Me too, man, me too. Morgan gets bumped against each side of the ring, before going for a chokeslam. Can't pin him because he ain't bleeding. Ref bump. Abyss smashes a shard of glass  on Morgan's head, opening him up. Trading punches in the middle, before Abyss scores a Black Hole Slam. Next ref runs down, but not in time for a three count. Abyss opens the door, and grabs a chair. STEVIE RICHARDS! Comes down to the ring and tells Abyss not to use the chair. He was apparently cool with the broken glass shot. "ECW" chant breaks out. Abyss gets a bag out from under the ring, as Richarrds watches on in disgust. Abyss empties the tacks onto the apron. Richards attacks Abyss, trying to stop him from using weapons allowing Morgan to hit a chokebomb on Abyss.

Winner: Matt Morgan

Decent hardcore match, but nothing special.

Double J, Jeff Jarrett promo. JB wonders which team he's on? Um, Team Jarrett? Jarrett wants to know where his teammates were when he needed them? Under the giant pile of dirt you and the other old guys have been pouring over them? Babyface Samoa Joe then threatens his teammate with a knife.

TNA Knockout Title Match: Angelina Love vs Taylor Wilde vs Awesome Kong

During an ad break, I'm told about Roulette by Ruth Francis. I have no idea who Ruth Francis is. A quick wiki asks me if I want to know about Russ Francis, a football player who played "Tight End" position. And people say Wrestling is gay?

After a quick break for a one-on-one hardcore match with a run in, we go back to multi-person-mess, which should really just be a tagline for this event. Or TNA's booking style. Kong throws everyone around, before going up top for a missed Front-slip-senton. Pops a "TNA" Chant. Cheerleader Melissa continues to be utterly wasted as a manager, trying to run Velvet, who is tying Kong's braids to the cage, off. Fans chant "We want Kong!" Kong kicks Taylor, and Angelina takes advantage for a three.

Winner: Angelina Love

YET ANOTHER multi-person mess.

Referee Rudy Charles proceeds to be a lot handsier than he usually is when announcing a winner, putting his hands all over Angelina. Not that I blame the guy. Mostly I'm kinda jealous.

Team 3D with a whole bunch of fans. D-Von cuts a promo, and Bubba Ray quotes my favouritist  band ever: "You're in the jungle baby, you're gonna DIE!" before referencing my favouritist company ever, talking about Hardcore Heaven. Hyped me up.

Speaking of hype, an actually fairly awesome hype video airs for Team 3D vs Beer Money.

IWGP and TNA Tag Title Match: Team 3D vs Beer Money

We are now on the seventh time the IWGP titles have been called the New Japan Titles. Bleh. Big face pop for Team 3D, who enter through the crowd.

This could, and should be a very good brawl. They knock the belts together, before brawling. Beer Money are quickly sent outside. Huge "We Want Tables!" chant. Brawl in the crowd, and the quiet fans earlier are really excited for this battle. Feels like the main event for tonight just on fan reaction. Team 3D dominate the early going, and it's not long before a "E-C-Dub!" chant breaks out.  Bubba drops Roode onto the guardrail balls first, sliding him down it. D-Von bites down on Storm's head. Beer Money make the big comeback, and the fans still want tables, apparently. Cage has Bubba's head smashed into it. Steps set up in front of a table, and Beer Money double suplex D-Von off the steps through the table for a "Holy Shit!" chant. So far, unable to get a pin on 3D, despite the beating. Ray is able to double clothesline Beer Money. Super-Bubba-Bomb on Roode for a huge "E-C-Dub" chant. Awesome spot. Roode kicks out, and Storm is able to Diamond Dust Bubba Ray for two. Dudley Death Drop gets two on Roode. Dudley Death Device for two on Storm. Ever notice how many of their moves are "Dudley Death (Insert Word)"? Dudley Death Waazup on Roode. Bubba shoves D-Von, and the fans chant "D-Von!" Bubba counts off the fans at "1, 2, 3" before the whole arena shouts "Get The Tables!" Fans chant "Tables!" in excitement as D-Von brings the tables out. Beer Money use the time to recover, and jump 3D on their return. Fans let the wrestlers know that "We want fire!". Fans are insane tonight.  All four men in the ring, and the fans are all clearly of the opinion that this is tonight's main event.  Roode tries to whip D-Von into the cage door while Storm shuts it, but D-Von reverses. Roode then stumbles back into a Dudley Death 3D through a table for three.

Winners: Team 3D

Awesome, awesome brawl that the fans absolutely made. Go check this match out for yourselves, to see the hottest crowd in any show this year at the very least.

Kurt Angle promo, about how the MEM will always remain. BECAUSE CHANGE IS BAD.

Lethal Lockdown Match: Main Event Mafia (Angle, Booker, Nash and Steiner) vs TNA Frontline (Jarrett, Joe, Styles and Daniels)

Angle and Daniels start us off. For those not familiar with Wargames, sorry "Lethal Lockdown", two guys start, every 2 minutes (5 minutes at the start) another guy comes out. MEM have the advantage, so will get their guy out first. Pins and submissions can only be counted once all men are out. First pin or submission wins it.

Daniels schools Angle on the mat. Because Preacher>Amateur Wrestling Gold Medalist. Trufax. Daniels uses the turnbuckle to score a double stomp to standing opponent. Fucking sweet. Koji clutch on Angle wears him down, as Angle taps to no avail.. "Can you dig it, Sucka?!" Booker on his way to the ring, where he jumps Daniels. Quick advantage by Booker is turned around by Daniels, who owns Booker before Kurt recovers and steps back in. Double team on Daniels, as both men lay boots and punches to Daniels. AJ Styles is out next, to double team ownage of Kurt and Booker. Styles dominates Booker, while Daniels dominates Kurt. Daniels hits a beautiful gut-wrench on Angle. Steiner out next, and it's now three-on-two. Frankensteiner on Styles.

Joe is talking to someone backstage, and so does not come out immediately when his music plays. However, I cannot hear what he is saying, because Tenay and West are talking over him. Fuckers. Joe demolishes 'em all.  Nash makes his way to the ring without tearing his quad. Well done, man. Joe immediately comes out to attack Nash. After a brief break by Nash, he enters the ring. Joe comes right back at him, beating Nash down. Pele on Steiner. Best Moonsault Ever by Daniels on Nash. Jeff Jarrett is out next, which means that the cage lid with the weapons attached is lowered. Weapons brawl now, with the frontline holding the advantage.

Angle makes it to the roof, and AJ follows him up. Styles and Angle brawl on top, and Angle makes to suplex Styles off the roof. Styles fires back, and nearly shoves Kurt off. Kurt goes low on Styles. Commentators sell that Styles is now "Out of the match" as Angle drops back down. Before they finish saying this, he's on his feet. Styles dives through the roof onto the MEM. "That was Awesome!" chant.  Well deserved, for once. Joe Musclebusters Steiner, Booker Axe Kicks Joe. Jarrett accidentally chair shots Styles. OR DID HE??? Joe threatens Jarrett. Angle hits the slam on Joe, Daniels breaks it up. Daniels hits the Angel Wings on Angle, Steiner breaks up the pin. Jarrett gets the guitar, and teases hitting Styles, before going for Booker. Styles pins for three.

Winners: TNA Frontline.

Good match. Lethal Lockdown is always enjoyable.

Celebration is cut short by a hype video for the TNA debut of Bobby Lashley

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

You have got to be kidding me. These guys will pick up just anyone.

Mostly the fans are apathetic to Lashley.

Sting promo has a bit of music playing over it for about 10 seconds. Botchamania soon. Sting's promo is as shit as ever.  RESPECT. This promo makes no sense. And sucks.

Mick's promo, on the other hand, is a Mick Foley promo. Enough said.

Video for Sting vs Mick Foley (Because nothing says Total Nonstop Action like two guys who were at their peaks at least 10 years ago). Highlights of Mick Foley promos run over it.

TNA World Title Match: Sting vs Mick Foley

Mick Foley dramatic hype video, before he makes his way out to a big pop.

Sting dramatic hype video. Sting also gets a big pop.

JB does the ring announcing. Always adds the big fight feel.

Foley chant starts up at Foley's introduction.

Fans are split between the two. Earl takes Barbie away from Mick. Duelling chants. Mick busts himself open with his fist at the start, freaking Sting out. Foley uses the moment to jump Sting. Sting gets the advantage back, and destroys him against the cage, as Foley screams in pain, before switching to Jack, and seeming to enjoy the pain, doing the "Bang Bang!" fingers. Foley goes up top, where the pair trade shots, before Sting Russian leg sweeps Foley from the top for two. Foley makes a quick comeback, driving Sting to the corner for a series of punches. "Let's go Cactus/Let's Go Sting" duelling chants. Sting starts working Foley's leg over. Foley gets his face grated against the cage. Foley is able to send Stng into the cage, buying Foley some time to recover. Neckbreaker on Sting for two. Foley goes to climb out, but Sting's working of the leg keeps him from climbing. Sting gets back to his feet in time to eat a double-arm DDT, which gets two. Foley putting Sting in the Deathlock gets some initial heel heat from the crowd. Mick shouts at Earl to "Open the damn door!". Foley baseball slides the cameraman through the camera-hole, before trying to crawl through it. Sting slaps the Deathlock on, to an initial pop, then heel heat. The heat for this match is weird, as the fans seem evenly split. Foley crawls to the bat, grabbing it. Foley threatens Sting with Barbie, and misses several times, as Sting ducks and dodges out of the way. Sting tries to climb from the cage, but Foley smashes Barbie twice into Sting's knee. Foley charges Sting, and is DTH'd into the bat. Nice spot. Sting gives Foley two shots with Barbie to drop him, and starts raining the Barbie shots down on Foley's back. Sting rakes Barbie across Foley's face. Mule kick downs Sting, allowing Foley to make use of the bat. Socko wrapped in barbed wire. Running knee spot is assisted by barbed wire bat. Huge Foley chant breaks out. Foley drops down and over to the mat...

Winner and NEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...MICK FOLEY!

I'm a Foley mark, okay? I loves that man.

All in all, a shitty undercard, with a great three main event matches.

Check out all the other cool stuff on the site, of course: Josh Presle is our latest TNA iMPACT correspondent, that show has now claimed another victim...

My name sake deals with ECW on Sci-Fi, Cameron provides the ever excellent Raw rant, James Swift continues to be kinda awesome, and Shane Steel does a damn fine job with Smackdown.

Until next month, I'm Neil Cathan (Well, I guess I'll still be Neil Cathan all of next month), this was TNA Lockdown, and I hope y'all enjoyed the show.