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LOCKDOWN

(04/23/06)

By Remy

 

Remy here to kick off my very first PPV rant. I’ve become “Mr. TNA” around here it would seem (although not in the way I always dreamed) so I get the honours of doing a big time important PPV rant. To be honest, I’m very excited. But you don’t give a shit whether I am or not, you want to know stuff about stuff that’s probably at least somewhat TNA related. And while I haven’t figured out how to make witty jokes about "armdrag, suplex, high knee, pin attempt and two count," I will certainly try my best. Oh, and just to get me in the mood, Sean has locked me in a STEEL CAGE! Hey, it’s no less ridiculous than an arm wrestling match in a cage, now is it?

 

We’re treated to some serious hypage to get the show rolling, probably trying to nab anyone checking out the preview and hmmming and hawing over whether or not to buy the PPV. And while that may seem a little ridiculous it sure as shit got me excited for the show too. Hello, my name is Remy and I have a problem. I’m addicted to wrestling … and rage-a-hol.  So, let’s get on with the show!

 

Team Japan (Goto, Minoru and Black Tiger) vs. Team USA (Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal and Alex Shelley):

 

This is an X-cup preview, so pay attention, folks. This is what we can look forward to in the future from this X-cup tournament. Lots of solid back and forth action for most of the match. Goto hits a really mean looking belly to back suplex on Lethal. Later in the match Tiger hits his Tiger Suplex, also on Lethal, for the win. This was just a solid match to kick off the show, but there weren’t really any crazy spots and no storylines significantly advanced. Still, a good way to set the mood.

 

Rating: 3 out of 4 sticks of a kit kat bar.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Team 3D is backstage for an interview. Bubba says the war not only continues tonight, but it ENDS. Nothing says “killer promo” like an oxymoron. Basically they just hype their match against team Canada, all the while going the painfully obvious route and making it a USA vs. Team Canada thing. “They took urr juuuuuuuurbs!”

 

Christopher Daniels vs. His Evil Twin:

Well, not really, but that would be cool. You know, if you liked really geeky sci-fi shit … like me. Anyway, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Oh hey, did I ever tell you about the time … kidding! The mystery opponent is: LOW KI. Or, the guy formerly known as. Tonight he’s going by Sushi. Or Senshi. Same difference. One means warrior in Japanese and one means raw fish. But really, close enough.

 

These two can sure as Hell go in the ring. Quite a few nice spots in this match. Pretty even for the most part too, until the end. There’s a stiff kick by Senshi at the beginning, and a nice double stomp that gets a two count. Daniels hits an awesome Blue Thunda Driver off the ropes for a near pin about mid-way through. A little later on Daniels hits a great series of moves, using a Death Valley Driver followed up by a seriously kick ass Moonsault. Unfortunately, Daniels is unable to lock on the Angel’s Wings a couple of different times, and on the last attempt Salmon Maki counters into a roll up, grabbing the ropes for the cheap pin.

 

Great match, but it was disappointing to see Daniels lose again, after dropping the X-title back to Joe. And, of course, it really sucked to see him lose to a roll up after so many sweet spots didn’t get the job done.

 

Rating: Equivilent to Odysseus stringing his bow and killing those motherfuckers that tried to woo his wife.

 

Backstage Segment

 

The James gang vows to take LAX down. I’d make another lame airport joke, but Bacon has made it pretty null and void by making a better joke about laxatives. Sigh. They air a package hyping the LAX vs. James Gang feud.

 

Motherfucking ARM WRESTLING Match in a STEEL CAGE! Geriatric vs. Barbarian (with a lawsuit pending against HHH).

 

Okay, so Konnan talks shit a bit, and the proceeds to get beat by a dude so old …

 

“how old is he?” you ask

 

So old that the Big Bang wonders what the universe was like before Bob.

 

Rating: A hot dog. No condiments.

 

Post-match sees LAX and the James Gang in the ring, and “bidness is about to something something” as JR would say. Basically, it ends with LAX getting the beat down.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Team Jarrett is in the back with JB. Zybsko shows up and Jarrett’s team wins the coin toss. There is some major announcement there is some curiosity about, but Jeffy boy says the Hebner’s need to be asked about it. Then they shoot the shit about how they’re going to kick Sting’s Team’s ass. Steiner plays the “loose cannon” bit really well though.

 

XSCAPE MATCH: Chris Sabin vs. "Primetime" Elix Skipper w/Simon Diamond vs. Petey Williams w/Scott D'Amore vs. Shark Boy vs. Chase Stevens vs. Puma:

 

It works like this: pins and submissions will count until there are only two men left. After that, the only way to win is to escape. Oh, and I lxve bxxbs. See what I did there? I just made boobs XTREME! And it works for matches too! Lita’s bxxbs are 2Xtreme for a bra! Anyway …

 

There are some crazy fucking spots in this match. Shark Boy gets his Shark Bite in there too, just for any of you who think that lame move is actually “cool.” Okay, I won’t lie … I mark out for it too. But it’s like fucking a fat chick: it’s all cool until the roofies wear off. Anyway, Shark Boy also hits an incredible Side Russian Leg Sweep. Yup. FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE! Elix took the brunt of that one. Petey Williams then hits the Canadian Destroyer on Sharky and plants him. Looked brutal. Sharkster is the first one gone.

 

A bit later in the match sees Chase up on top of the cage, and this crazy motherfucker hits a God damn Shooting Star Press onto the guys below. They barely broke his fall though, looked sick. A Kryptonite Krunch from Elix takes out what’s left of Chase, and he is the next one gone.

 

Elix is then pinned by Sabin after a double drop kick. Puma, Williams, and Elix had tried to triple team him, but it backfired.

 

A Cradle Shock lets Sabin get the pin on Puma almost immediately after. Sabin’s on fire.

 

Appropriately enough, Sabin is also the first to escape, winning the match. The win was pretty funny too. D’Amore caught Sabin and stopped him from hitting the ground, but Williams lands on top of him and they all hit the ground, with Sabin landing first.

 

Rating: Pretty close to getting laid. For Joe Merrick … way better than jerking off.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Mitchell and Abyss are in the back now. Mitchell’s great on the stick and all, but this is nothing we haven’t been hearing for the past month. Abyss is a monster, blah blah blah. What cracks me up is when Mitchell admits that Christian is the best wrestler on the planet because he holds the NWA title. And as much as I love TNA, that’s like saying Mr. Down Syndrome is the best 100m runner because he won gold in the Special Olympics.

 

Samoa Joe vs. Sabu: X-title Match:

 

Oh baby, I’ve been waiting for this one! Sabu’s got a taped arm from breaking it down in Mexico. He should tell Lita he was even there, guaranteed lay … or perhaps she’d let him piss on her. Some fetishes I’ll just never understand though. I mean, vaginal sex? When you could pee on her instead? Weird.

 

Sabu takes charge early, but Joe quickly gets the upper hand. Early in the match and it’s back in Sabu’s favour as Joe takes a second chair shot. Kicks and uppercuts by Joe reverses control again. One of those kicks is really stiff and Sabu is busted open hard way! Later on Sabu and Joe climb to the top of the cage where Joe hits the Ace Crusher from the fucking top. This isn’t enough to get the pin, but Joe is quick to hit a Muscle Busta shortly afterwards that gives him the win. Hell of a match.

 

Rating: Like your favourite hockey team winning the Cup. Someday, Vancouver. Someday.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Team Canada is in the back with JB. Standard “we’re going to win our match” promo.

 

They air a hype video for Team Canada vs. 3D. Ever see those Gillette commercials? I remember when the Mach Three was a huge deal, and not they’ve got a razor with six blades. My point is, when will 3D get replaced by a new and improved 4D? Or, you know, when will they improve, period?

 

Anthem/Flag Match: Team 3D vs. Team Canada:

 

No Canadian softwood was disputed in the making of this feud.

- Sean Carless

 

Early in the match we see Bubba hit a Bubba Bomb off the top rope on Roode. Devon also hits a top rope Russin Leg Sweep on A1. They are loving that move tonight. Runt hits the Nestea Plunge on Eric too, and Team 3D is dominating through the first half of this match. Runt hits the double stomp off the top as well. Sheesh, and Devon even hits his Whaaazuuuuuup Head Butt on Eric Young. Late in the match Runt misses an elbow drop and goes through a table, but he does hit the Acid Drop on A1. 3D to Roode and Runt climbs to the top to grab the flag. Pretty dominating show by Team 3D here.

 

Rating: Day old pizza. It’s still good, but not great.

 

In Ring Segment

 

After the flag is raised and the anthem is played we have Tenay and West hype the rest of the PPV.

 

Then, coming down to the ring, it’s … Christy Hemme! Holy shit this is totally shocking and bound to change the face of wrestling forever. Just like when Bischoff turned Goldberg heel. Rumour has it that TNA is going to get Christy to do Hustler and then fire her. Great stuff.

 

Anyway, she has an envelope for Tenay. This is our major announcement from TNA. The gist is, Zybsko is being put on probation, and we can expect some changes in management to come soon. Larry is out now and he’s mad. He wants to know who is responsible. This leads to us finding out that Raven has been reinstated, and in fact, he is HERE. Zybsko runs away and security keeps him safe.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Christian refuses an interview, but takes his jacket off. Watch out Abyss, this crazy bastard has NO JACKET!

 

Christian Cage vs. Abyss for the NWA Heavyweight Title:

This match is a real brawl, you’re not going to find Japanese Guy I Don’t Know vs. Other Japanese Guy I don’t Know in a 3246234 star match, but it will make me happy! This is a pretty long match, and like I said, there is a lot of brawling. No point going through ALL of it play-by-play, but the match itself doesn’t even really begin until after several minutes of fighting outside the cage.

 

Abyss hits a big splash while Christian is caught between the ropes and the cage, and later on Christian hits a nice Tornado DDT on Abyss. Cage hits the Unprettier shortly after but it’s too early in the match and it’s not enough, two count. After this doesn’t work, Cage goes all the way to the top of the … cage, and hits a fucking frog splash from the top. It connects, but it’s only good for another two count. Crazy. Cage goes for the Unprettier one more time, but Abyss reverses it into a Shock Treatment. Now he dumps a bag of tacks on the mat! Abyss then hits a Goozle to Cage, after he slips up top and nearly falls off. Cage then hits a Sunset Flip on Abyss and he lands in the tacks. This match is brutal. Christian goes for the cover but there’s no ref since he took a bump earlier in the match. A ref runs out, but it only gets a two count AGAIN. Abyss then hits a Black Hole Slam on Christian. All the big moves are coming out tonight. Christ, now Mitchell dumps out another bag of tacks! Abyss hits a Goozle on Cage but there’s a reversal and Christian hits the Unprettier on Abyss … on the fucking tacks! This time it’s finally good enough for a three count. Christian retains.

 

Rating: I came.

 

After the Match

 

Christian goes after Mitchell, but Abyss hits a low blow. Abyss with his chains nails Cage in the face. Christian is bleeding as Abyss hangs Cage with the chain. Christian is down as Abyss leaves after holding up the NWA title.

 

Backstage Segment

 

Promo with Sting’s team in the back, sans Sting. Basic hype for the main event, which is next! I think the Cage/Abyss match should have definitely closed out the show though. This is why people hate Jarrett.

 

Lethal Lockdown: Team Sting (Sting, AJ Styles, Ron Killings and Rhino) vs. Team Jarrett (JJ, Scott Steiner and AMW):

 

This is how it works: the first two guys get five minutes, then there are two minute intervals until all eight wrestlers are in the ring. After that, the ceiling will lower, and remember, it’s going to have various weapons hanging down. My man AJ Styles starts it off with Chris Harris of AMW.

 

Harris has solid control of this, with AJ getting in little offence. Harris even hits a Catatonic just before the first five minutes is over. Harris is bleeding, but I don’t know from what. Harris tries for another Catatonic, but this time AJ reverses it and hits the Styles Clash.

 

James Storm is out now, and it’s Styles all alone against AMW. AJ hits the door, going for Storm, but it ends up hitting Gail Kim instead. Hilarious. AJ tries to battle back, despite the handicap. And I don’t mean in the way Eugene has a handicap … with Soma. It’s not enough though, as AMW hit the Hart Attack and beat down on Styles.

 

Two minutes is up now though, as Rhino hits the ring. Rhino dominates as he hits a spine buster on Harris, but then misses a Gore on Storm and runs into the cage. AMW is dominant as time runs out once more.

 

Killings it out this time, hopefully to even things up. The three members of Sting’s team manage to take control, eventually hitting a Super Tower of Doom. Awesome shit. Time is up again.

 

Steiner is out now. Belly to bellies to clean house. Jarrett’s team is in control, but soon enough, time is up again.

 

And it’s OMG STOING (tm lethal). Jarrett is out shortly after and the roof comes down. Stings hits a splash on all four of Team Jarrett. Weapons are out now. Harris and AJ make it to the top of the cage. There is a ladder on top of the cage with more weapons still. There’s also a fucking table up top that AJ sets up. Styles hits the Pele on Storm, great move. AJ climbs up the fucking ladder to the light rigging and does a splash onto the top of the cage, through the table that Storm is laying on. Fucking amazing.

 

In the ring, Harris nails Sting with brass knucks and locks on the Scorpion Deathlock. Sting reverses it though, and Harris taps!

 

Team Sting wins.

 

Rating: A full steak and lobster dinner … while getting a blowjob from a supermodel (gender of your choice).

 

And that’s it for the PPV.

 

Well, what can I say to sum all this up? It was an incredible PPV, and TNA put on one hell of a show. If you’re not watching TNA by now, you’re definitely missing out. This is a huge improvement over the doldrums of the WWE. Check out Impact this Thursday to see the fallout, and I’ll have a recap for that too, so check it out.

 

Don’t forget to stop by the main page, and swing by the forums. TWF always has some great stuff going on all over the site. And send me some feedback, these PPV rants are way harder to do than I ever imagined, and I have a newfound respect for Mr. Carless. Take care, and as always, I remain,

 

Remy

 
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Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).